What's Been Going On Here

[wellseasoned]

Good morning Absville!

I felt like it would be only fair to post and let you all know what has been going on in my life. I have not been posting regularly as I would like and could really use some support right now. I so don't want it to be about my and my life right now, but I guess it is and there is not much I can do about it.
My daughter, who just moved out and turned 20 last week is struggling in so many ways. I am at wits end at how to help her. She has add and ocd and, while she functions pretty well on most days, struggles quite a bit on others. She has had her issues with alcohol, which I have shared here and has received one alcohol related driving ticket and one alcohol related non driving ticket. She now is on probation and calls in every AM to a recording to find out if she must report for a breath test that day - 90 days. She also works full time abd attends college full time. Her step dad and I took her out for dinner last evening for her birthday and then brought her home for cake and a few gifts - she left at about 9 and we got a call at midnight from her cell that she had been pulled over and ticketed for an illegal turn (a left turn in a posted no left turn lane). She had not been drinking or anything, but she will have more point on her driving record. We found out last week that her dad (my ex) has cancer again (he had a bone marrow transplant for leukemia when we were still married) and while we are hopeful that the cancer will not be life threatening, it is still difficult for us all - his cancer was hard on our family and we lost many to cancer both before, during and after his treatment.
When my daughter's Dad and I were still married, I sought treatment for her and she was seeing a therapist and taking medication successfully. My husband (now my ex) is extremely distrustful of the mental health community and during the divorce threatened her therapist with lawsuits that ended my daughter's therapy and treatment against my wishes and the doctor's advice.
I am struggling to keep myself healthy during all of this with my daughter and also struggling with issues I have with my Dad since returning from a family wedding in late July. I am returning to my Dad's later this month for a short birthday visit and it will probably be the last time I will see him for awhile as I don't think I can get well and be with him. I realized when I was with him this summer that he will never stop drinking and that being with him is not healthy for me right now. It weighs heavy on my heart as I spent the first half of m life without him and with an abusive and alcoholic step father and I want so very much to spend time with him. I am grieving, I suppose.
My ex also has drinking issues and my son (15) is exposed to them every other week when he spends time with his dad (we share custody). I am deeply saddened and concerned. My kids have so much love for their dad, so much concern for him because of his health issues and then are so confused by his attitude toward alcohol (binge drinking is ok - only drink to get wasted). My ex will not acknowledge his drinking issues and points the finger at me and my family when it comes to any problems with alcohol. I am carrying that cross pretty much by myself for my kids. I have a strong faith, but right now I am feeling so very tired and also just worn out. More than anything, I want to be able to keep myself well enough to be a good example for my kids.
I am sorry for ramlbing and really don't want to be going on and on about my stuff, but it does feel good to open up a bit about some of what has been going on.
Thanks for listening.
Love
Jenn

[mojomuppet]

What's Been Going On Here

what a heavy burden.i will be thinking of you today. take a bath w/bubbles, listen to some music, go to lou's salon (i will be there all day). this is what i found helped me when my grandma was ill.take some time just for you,i promise it helps. i know that is is hard when you are a giver but if you dont do this it becomes almost impossible to function at all and the you are worthless to every one. an hour at the mall just looking get a pretzel and a soda. go to the book store buy a book about something you know nothing about. become a sunday driver,go to a yard sale,flea market,whatever it doesnt realy matter.just take some time for you.refresh your brain then go back to your family and get them through all these things.my best wishes to you and yours.

[aerogirl]

What's Been Going On Here

Hi Jenn,
I din't think you need to apolpgise at all, I think this is the perfect forum in which to vent, everyone here is so supportive, we are all here to lend an ear Well I know I am at least!

I have 2 teenage stepdaughters I fear I will be going through the same things with them...
Please don;t ever feel that we don't want to share with you because I do. I wish I wasn't so tired, soI could be more helpfull...

[YoungAtHeart]

What's Been Going On Here

Hi Jen

Hey, I'm so glad you wrote and shared with us! Boy do you have a lot going on that is taking its toll mentally and emotionally!! My heart is with you, I'm sure you know that I can relate to some of what you're talking about here, Jen!!

Your daughter sounds like she is growing up and becoming more responsible in many ways like moving out and holding a job and going to school full-time, and yet, like many 20-year-olds (espec with add and ocd) can just pull a pin-headed stunt like an illegal left hand turn! I think she's getting part of her education from the College of Hard Knocks! I've taken quite a few courses there, myself! I'm grateful that she wasn't drinking, Jenn.

I'm sorry about your own interal struggles about your feelings about your own Dad. Those can really be hard. I hope that you can come to some peace about them, Jenn.

I've been thinking about your ex- too. I have a slightly different perspective than you. If the kids are ALREADY CONFUSED by things their dad is saying, I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to talk to them and tell them that you think that maybe their dad has a problem too. You can use the opportunity to educate them about the different kinds of drinking problems there can be. The most important thing would be to do so in a matter of fact way, without anger or rancor. If that isn't comfortable, you might be able to provide them with some reading material and leave it at that. They can make the choice about whether to learn more or not.

I think that you have shown a great deal of fortitude and faith, Jenn, and I hope that our support can help. You sound like a great Mom! Take care!:h

Hugs,
Kathy:l

PS: Sometimes just dumping my heart out here is like having a therapy session. I have done it more lately, and it really helps. I worry too, though, about being self-centered or making it all about me.

[Newyear]

What's Been Going On Here

Hi Jenn- sounds like you are carrying the entire burden yourself - I can understand why you are exhausted!

My one and only sister has some ocd and add issues also - never actually diagnosed I don't think although she has been in therapy on and off for years...but has classis traits. It can be very frustrating. She has done ok though. She has two beautiful boys - 5 and 8 yrs old- and she is a terrific mom.
Although she is older I have worried about her like I'm the mom.
She is very smart but it is hard to see her struggle - esp with work-or lack of work. Luckily she does not have an issue with alcohol- I get to have that one.
I really felt for you in your post because I could feel how much you wanted to be able to fix everything.
I always want to fix things too. It is hard to accept that you cannot fix everything - you just can't.
You can give advice, you can bail them out of jams, and you can talk and talk and talk. And while that all can help- your family members will still make choices for themselves - good and bad.
I think Mojo is right. When it gets to be too much- take some time for yourself. Get a manicure or go to a movie you want to see and get just as much butter on you popcorn as you want! Be really good to yourself. It isn't selfish - it is necessary.
I truly wish you well - and hope you have a good day for you today.
Lisa

[vinophile]

What's Been Going On Here

Oh Jenn, you really have it coming at you from all sides!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!
Please take care of yourself. It may almost seem selfish at a time when you are trying to take care of everyone around you.But in order to handle everything that it seems life is throwing your way right now you need to take care of Jenn(you) first and foremost.
Please know that we are here for you.It was great that you wrote this thread. Now we know exactly what's going on in your life when we chat on the daily abs thread.
Please take care(of yourself,especially)
Janet

[wellseasoned]

What's Been Going On Here

Thanks, you guys.
I am tearing up.
I have my son home tonight and have spent the day with my daughter. They are both struggling with their dad's cancer.
You guys are the very best and I am so very grateful for you. Thank you for an open ear to the never ending drama called my life.
Blessings and love
Jenn

[sujul]

What's Been Going On Here

Lost my post AGAIN! Grrrhhh..

Dear Jenn--
I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now...no wonder you're feeling so tired and drained--you are! I don't really have any brilliant words of wisdom but I DO want to echo those who encouraged you to take the time to take care of yourself....

Treat yourself gently, but treat yourself! Remember you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself...it's the reason that airline attendants tell parents and other caregivers to put the oxygen masks on themselves FIRST and THEN put them on their children and others...it's really not at all selfish to take care of ourselves because then we are able to be there for others in a healthy, loving way.

It might not seem like you have time, but really everything can wait for an hour while you do something nice for yourself... take a hot bath with special salts, a long shower, get a new haircut...take up yoga, long walks, find a place to read and/or meditate...buy new music, go out for a candlelight dinner--it doesn't matter what it is as long as it helps you to feel renewed and refreshed. Do something for yourself everyday -- you deserve it!
Thinking of you--
:l :l :l
susan

[Quiescent]

What's Been Going On Here

Jenn,

Thinking of you today and hoping you are well:l

[Mackeral]

What's Been Going On Here

Hiya Jenn,
You need a holiday....As Saint Jude would say " Right Arm "
I agree with the general consensus....You gotta get you right first....Sounds like your the whole backbone of your family...They need you to be 100%....Love Macks:l

[Guest]

What's Been Going On Here

Jenn,
Hang in there.
Brigid

[nomorewine]

What's Been Going On Here

Jenn --

I certainly cannot add anything to the wisdom that has already been shared -- so I echo the thoughts and advice. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wholeheartedly believe in getting things right for you first. Its too hard to help others when you are at loose ends with yourself...of this I am certain. Please take care of yourself.:h

Kate

[YoungAtHeart]

What's Been Going On Here

It's actually been awhile since Jenn originally posted this, so I'm wondering how she is doing.... How are you, Jenn?? Please let us know!

Hugs,
Kathy