My story is long. Starts over thirty years ago, at age eight, when I found my mother the morning after she committed suicide because her doctor told her that if she didn?t quit drinking, she would die. Back in those days, there was no such thing as the MWO program. As excited as I am to have found it, part of me grieves for her, that she never had anything but guilt and recriminations for her choices, with no way out other than suicide ?
Seeing my mother that day, laying on the floor, covered in piss and shit and vomit, dead, made me make a vow to myself that I would never, ever allow myself to be like her. Strange how genetics work, isn?t it? For all my good intentions and promises made, I still ended up traveling the same road she did.
Of course, it didn?t start off that way. Just started off as a teenager looking for a good time. Tried the marijuana, but was allergic. Tried beer, and wow! What a rush that was! Started off just partying on the weekends, sober during the week. Then my daughter was born (I was 19), and within the first three days of her life, died five times. Husband at the time was more concerned with working instead of supporting his wife, so I was left to cope with two children under the age of two, one of which was on a heart monitor. Drinking moved from the weekends only to a large bottle of cheap wine every night (good ole Carlo Rossi), sometimes two.
When daughter was a year and a half old, spouse and I split up. His mommy bought him a fancy attorney, and he got sole custody of my kids. I moved from Vermont to California in an effort to start over. Of course, the drinking habit followed right along with me ?
As it did every time I moved to another part of the US. No matter how hard I tried to outrun it, there it was whenever I turned around. Lived in Maine, went to basic training in Florida (really learned how to drink there), and finally landed in Alaska. Beautiful place, so much room, so many bars to choose from! I did ok for a while, and then I got ?the letter.? This letter started years of pain for me, as it contained information on my daughter?s whereabouts. She was in state?s custody because, as I later found out, her father had been molesting her and her brother since about six months after I left them!! I spent the next 13 years trying to get them both back, but the state decided that I was the bad parent, and they were raised in the system.
So, how do you combat the pain of all of that? You got it ? drink, every night until you can?t feel, can?t think anymore.
Interestingly enough, throughout this time, I held jobs, got married again, all the ?normal? things that people do. And the entire time, I drank, every night, to the point of pass-out.
Then came this year, 2006 ?
Graduated from college with an associate?s in computers. Couldn?t get a job, because I ran right smack into the age and gender discrimination wall. Strike one.
Spent more time in the hospital than I care to remember, watching my dad slowly die from cancer, inch by agonizing inch. Strike two.
In July, Dad finally gave it up and passed away. Siblings that I hadn?t seen since they were babies flew up for his funeral. Drinking still, every night, except much, much more than I ever had before. Strike three (but still not out yet!)
Funeral?s over, siblings are gone, and I?m left with the pieces of my life. Very depressed, so what do ya do? Why, go drinking of course!
Except that just wasn?t working like it used to. No matter how much I drank, I couldn?t make the pain of his passing go away. So, one day, I was looking through my bookmarks, and stumbled across the MWO program, again. I?d lurked in here before, but I guess I just wasn?t ready then. I started lurking, and it wasn?t too long before I realized that it was time. Time to either stand up for myself and make the changes that needed to be made, or ?check out? like my mother did. To be honest, it wasn?t an easy decision. It took me over a month to decide that suicide wouldn?t be my option, at least not yet. I figured I?d try the program, see what happens. And I?m really, really glad I did.
Even though I?ve not yet been able to get more than two days sober at a time, that?s still way more than what I?ve accomplished in all my years of heavy drinking. Coming here, reading other?s stories gives me hope and helps me to realize that I can do this thing, no matter how many times I fall down.
So, that?s my story. Sad, yes, but I think we all have sad stories to tell. And if it helps another ?lurker? out there decide to get off the wall, and make the same commitment to themselves, then I have accomplished my purpose, as well as giving myself some much-needed healing. :heart:
Seeing my mother that day, laying on the floor, covered in piss and shit and vomit, dead, made me make a vow to myself that I would never, ever allow myself to be like her. Strange how genetics work, isn?t it? For all my good intentions and promises made, I still ended up traveling the same road she did.
Of course, it didn?t start off that way. Just started off as a teenager looking for a good time. Tried the marijuana, but was allergic. Tried beer, and wow! What a rush that was! Started off just partying on the weekends, sober during the week. Then my daughter was born (I was 19), and within the first three days of her life, died five times. Husband at the time was more concerned with working instead of supporting his wife, so I was left to cope with two children under the age of two, one of which was on a heart monitor. Drinking moved from the weekends only to a large bottle of cheap wine every night (good ole Carlo Rossi), sometimes two.
When daughter was a year and a half old, spouse and I split up. His mommy bought him a fancy attorney, and he got sole custody of my kids. I moved from Vermont to California in an effort to start over. Of course, the drinking habit followed right along with me ?
As it did every time I moved to another part of the US. No matter how hard I tried to outrun it, there it was whenever I turned around. Lived in Maine, went to basic training in Florida (really learned how to drink there), and finally landed in Alaska. Beautiful place, so much room, so many bars to choose from! I did ok for a while, and then I got ?the letter.? This letter started years of pain for me, as it contained information on my daughter?s whereabouts. She was in state?s custody because, as I later found out, her father had been molesting her and her brother since about six months after I left them!! I spent the next 13 years trying to get them both back, but the state decided that I was the bad parent, and they were raised in the system.
So, how do you combat the pain of all of that? You got it ? drink, every night until you can?t feel, can?t think anymore.
Interestingly enough, throughout this time, I held jobs, got married again, all the ?normal? things that people do. And the entire time, I drank, every night, to the point of pass-out.
Then came this year, 2006 ?
Graduated from college with an associate?s in computers. Couldn?t get a job, because I ran right smack into the age and gender discrimination wall. Strike one.
Spent more time in the hospital than I care to remember, watching my dad slowly die from cancer, inch by agonizing inch. Strike two.
In July, Dad finally gave it up and passed away. Siblings that I hadn?t seen since they were babies flew up for his funeral. Drinking still, every night, except much, much more than I ever had before. Strike three (but still not out yet!)
Funeral?s over, siblings are gone, and I?m left with the pieces of my life. Very depressed, so what do ya do? Why, go drinking of course!
Except that just wasn?t working like it used to. No matter how much I drank, I couldn?t make the pain of his passing go away. So, one day, I was looking through my bookmarks, and stumbled across the MWO program, again. I?d lurked in here before, but I guess I just wasn?t ready then. I started lurking, and it wasn?t too long before I realized that it was time. Time to either stand up for myself and make the changes that needed to be made, or ?check out? like my mother did. To be honest, it wasn?t an easy decision. It took me over a month to decide that suicide wouldn?t be my option, at least not yet. I figured I?d try the program, see what happens. And I?m really, really glad I did.
Even though I?ve not yet been able to get more than two days sober at a time, that?s still way more than what I?ve accomplished in all my years of heavy drinking. Coming here, reading other?s stories gives me hope and helps me to realize that I can do this thing, no matter how many times I fall down.
So, that?s my story. Sad, yes, but I think we all have sad stories to tell. And if it helps another ?lurker? out there decide to get off the wall, and make the same commitment to themselves, then I have accomplished my purpose, as well as giving myself some much-needed healing. :heart:
There are those times....
... But have hope & faith... it never hurts...:h 
zwink:
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