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[spun]

Back again after having made big promises to quit on my birthday and failing dismally (kept finding excuses to drink). I did go 4 days AF and was feeling great about it then decided to reward myself by "testing" if I could keep my consumption to one bottle of wine. No can do and two bottles later I was skunked and spent the entire following day vomiting. I actually vomited blood at one point. That scared the utter shit out of me.

I think I've established that my body full-blown rejected the alcohol, I've never had a reaction like that before.

Needless to say I wasn't clever enough to not drink again, and last night opted to give gin a try (if wine doesn't work something else must). Ended up calling my daughter a name over something trivial and having a gigantic argument with her. Resulted in her tipping the gin down the sink which I'm actually thankful for but she doesn't want to talk to me and who can blame her? At 13 she's had enough and it makes me want to hide in shame.

Wallowing away today feeling like the world's biggest f-up.

[Gold]

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Hi spun,

You are certainly not alone in this. I know what it's like to upset a daughter over this, it truly makes me feel the lowest of the low, it makes no sense does it to let something as commonplace as alcohol take precedence over those we love.

I think that is partly what makes you feel so bad, choosing to drink when all the indications are most definitely against it, incomprehensible isn't it.

You've managed four days AF which is great. Perhaps your body reacted as it did because it had experienced some days without alcohol.

You're here now and you can do this, one AF day at a time :l

[spun]

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Thanks Gold - I hope I can do this. Moderation just isn't an option for me so it's time to get my act together and get on the wagon.

My daughter has been in to check on me this morning and gave me a big hug. I thanked her for throwing the booze away and she looked well pleased with herself. I don't know what I did to get so lucky but whatever it was I'm so grateful to have her.

Thanks again for the kind words

[Gold]

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It's not possible for me to moderate either, this last couple of weeks I broke a 77 day AF stretch culminating with an upset with my daughter (17). Like yours this morning she hugged me and told me I shouldn't keep things to myself!

We are certainly blessed.

[spun]

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77 days is brilliant! Well done Gold :happyheart:

[brightlite]

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Spun,

I know all too well how to get into a fight with my dear daughter after I've been drinking. It is horrible. She is the most wonderful person in the world. She just finished college with a nursing degree and moved back home until she saves enough money for an apartment. The funny thing is, she is so level headed I truly enjoy our conversations now, even if it is about my addiction, which she is fully aware of and offers insight occasionally. Anyway, daughters are special, cherish yours.

Gold...wow 77 days! Although you may not feel good about your "slip", keep on going...that's awesome. Oh and 17 yrs old is a hard age....13 years old is hard too. My daughter is 22 now and just a lovely person.

[spedteach]

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Gold,
I'm coming up on 77 days and am feeling a bit nervous. Never let yourself get complacent...that's my advice to myself.
My son is visiting with his fiance, looking for a place to get married in New Mexico. Every time I leave the room, run an errand I can hear him silently pleading with me not to drink.
It will take more than 77 days af to earn back the trust I've trashed with my drinking.
Everybody hang in there. We don't have to do this to ourselves or the people we love ever again!
sped

[TakeHeart]

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Spun ~

Ugh...know how you feel. I've been doing really good with my drinking until last night when I decided to go buy a bottle of wine and drink it before my boyfriend came home (why??????). I insisted on another bottle of wine when I turned into a not very nice person...picking at every little detail. He, like your daughter, loves me so much and is one of the last people on earth that I should treat unfairly.

Like you, I was showed love this morning....however...I think this is like playing with fire. We can't expect our loved ones to keep coming back with unconditional love. They deserve better and we deserve better.

Let's take this as a old fashioned lesson of "if you play with fire you're eventually going to get burnt" and step away from the fire. If we don't drink, we won't get into a situation that is either brought on or escalated by Alcohol.

I myself am trying to take a step back

[spun]

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TakeHeart you're right - it is a matter of time before people we love have well and truly had enough. Best of luck with your boyfriend. It's so hard to get it through our heads sometimes I guess.

Tried a bottle of low alcohol wine tonight (would have equated to 4 glasses all up) as I'm super stressed about work (excuses, excuses) and just felt wrong from the moment I started drinking it. I actually thought soda water or a Pepsi would have been a better choice with the meal we ordered, but continued on anyway. I then drank the end of the bottle at home (why waste it?) and now feel totally anxious and paranoid about the work situation. Don't trust myself to handle some difficult folks I'll need to deal well with in a meeting tomorrow and am now kicking myself for having gone the route of getting booze into my system to "cope".

I don't feel at all drunk, just the horrid anxious, gut-knot that comes when you get on the verge of a panic. My self-doubt and feeling low are really doing a number on me at present. Tonight's experiment with the wine didn't help at all - didn't even warrant the effort as it tasted completely crap and didn't even raise the slightest buzz. Why bother?

I'm really doing a number on myself at the moment - all sorts of morbid, messed up thoughts. It's just no good. I'm well and truly over myself and this problem of mine.

[spun]

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fuck it ... handling it is the best so I'll do it.

Ta for the help.

[mountaingirl]

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SPUN??? Where are you? What are you doing?

[KateH1]

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Spun....I am sure that you already know this....but, drinking DOES NOT Help us to cope!! In fact, it makes everything far worse, both in our minds and in reality! Also, alcohol is the cause of panic attacks, expecially the day after a binge.

4 Days alcohol free was a good start, but it takes months to really begin to feel like one has a firm footing into an alcohol free life. There is no instant, nor easy cure here.....but there is a lot of good advice and support.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to seriously and honestly ask yourself how you want to live your life. Do you want your 13 year old daughter to have to deal with you drunk, taking on the adult role of dumping YOUR booze down the drain? How will you guide her through making good personal choices?

As long as one continues to drink.....there is no happy ending. But, the minute that we decide to quit the madness and go AF...we begin to truly LIVE!

Best Wishes!
Kate

[rubywillow]

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Spun, listen to your body, honey, it's begging you to live and not poison yourself and your life. Talk to us, OK?

[spun]

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Hi All,

I'm OK. I don't want to cause undue drama and chaos. It seems there is more than enough of that going around at present.

I've been delving into other systems and programs to see how they work, and some I sure don't want to be a part of. Some I do (here ...)

Thanks for throwing out the cyber cares. It feels good to know there's some folks other than my nearest and dearest that would know I'm MIA.

Here's what I've been reading up on in my spare time.

Much love.

xoxo

[Angelcakes]

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Hey Spun, thanks for checking in.
Remember, as long as your still in the fight you haven't failed.
Don't give up mate.

xo