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[openheart]

So I know I am struggling with drinking too much wine--I am a high functioning person who could easily have a bottle of wine a night, but have been making positive changes since August (since I joined MWO). I was not raised in a loving environment--lots of rejection issues from my stepdad (bio dad died).
Current issue is really struggling with my husband---I know I have an issue w/ drinking too much--and my husband has recognized it--we have had innumerable conversations and/or fights about this. The problem is that I know me, and when he judges me and rejects me because I am drinking some, I get extremely rebellious to his criticisms.

The problem for me is that then I make the issue about him and what his expectations of me are (and then I rebel--flashbacks to childhood)--when I know so clearly this issue is about me and my choices. I know I want to change. I have verbalized to him that I want to change. I have asked very specifically that he not judge me or create an opportunity for me to rebel--to not make it all *about him*--which is what I do. I know it's about me and my poor choices, but when he makes it about his expectations *for me* I rebel and it sets me back.

Can I do this with him? Or do I have to do this w/o him? Other than my drinking it is a very good marriage. I am just so damn rebellious, and I've asked him to not make it about him, but he can't seem to help it.

Anyone that has thoughts to share would be appreciated. We've been married 22 years.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

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Hmmmm, I drink a bottle of wine a night and my husband NEVER complains about my drinking....we have other issues, LOL! I would look into marriage therapy and personal one one therapy for yourself, this has helped me. Luvya, Myheart

[UrbanFool]

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openheart;771062 wrote: The problem is that I know me, and when he judges me and rejects me because I am drinking some, I get extremely rebellious to his criticisms.

Oh boy can I relate to this! My husband is the first one to recognize when I'm doing good and says something about it though. (Right now he's hugging me too much though.)

You can rebel all you want, but the person it hurts most is you. I just decided I was going to have to get over it!

We've been married 10 years, and I'm just glad I never crossed the line you can't cross back over.

[Tulipe]

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You can rebel all you want, but the person it hurts most is you. I just decided I was going to have to get over it!

- wise words, UF. I discovered during this journey that I drank to hurt my parents back for all the pain they caused me. It was my way of getting back at them. I also drank to avoid this feeling that I had lost myself, and that Mr. T controls my life. In the first example, drinking to hurt my parents is ludicrous. There's no logic in that. At this point they have enough troubles in their lives without me chiming in. On the second example, I know I'm just being a whiny baby, and I need to think about all the wonderful things in my life and start damn well appreciating them. So what if he's a little controlling, in many ways I have a lot from freedom than many wives.

So, Open, my humble advice to you is to think about what you want, what is important to you, who you are, and put yourself first. When you stop abusing AL to try to hurt someone else, you realize how much you are inflicting self-damage, dragging others down yes, but really hurting yourself the worst.

[Trixiebelle]

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I really get the rebellious bit.

I also drink to get back at my mother - which as you say Tulipe is ludicrous.

My mother told me when I was a drunk teenager that "woman who drink are disgusting" I heard those words with each drink I took, and it made me drink more, until I was addicted.

It still urks me, but I realise it was her way of trying to get me to stop, trouble is, due my rebellious nature - it just made me worse. I have never discussed it with her and she has never tried to even ask me, if Im ok and if she can help. She just looks at me with disgust and Im sure she thinks that I am weak.

Heavy shit to deal with. But Im gonna make it.

[Wally22]

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Open, my husband of 24 years used to occasionally point out that my drinking was getting out of hand. I resented it VERY much!
I knew in my heart of hearts that my drinking was in fact out of hand. But who was he to keep rubbing it in. How unsupportive could this man be!!
I left him. But the drinking still continued. Wait, maybe he was right!!!! Maybe I do have a problem and , oh my god, it's escalating because I no longer have a governor on my behaviour!!!
So here I am 10 years later. Alone and lonely, and still fighting a drinking problem. I understand that my husband was trying to help, and I wish with all my heart I had listened and addressed my problem, while I was still married. I still struggle with my drinking and I regret the end of my marriage. The worst part is, it was my decision to leave!!!
Be honest with your husband. He loves you. He doesn't understand your problem, but he knows you have one. Think about the kind of support you need and share that with him. Don't place the entire burden on him. He's not trained and doesn't have the tools. Look for support, here and in other places, such as AA and possibly individual counselling.
Each Sunday at church we celebrate significant anniversaries. I will never have one of those. I am too old to have a 25th anniversary and that knowledge makes me sad beyond belief.
Sorry, this sounds preachy, but I don't want you to make the same mistake I did. Best of luck to you.

[maco]

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Open, i feel like i can completely relate to your situation. I get it - I knwo it and when he says it (or some of the nasty crap he does say) it hurts me ..hurts me because I know he is right - but like with everything else in my life..I rebel. I do what I want after all right? well in this case I knwo what is right, and it means me getting help and getting this under control. Gotta turn this ship around.

Wally, I dont see your post as being preachy. Thanks for opening up and sharing. Its hard to do, and you are right as annoying and hurtful as his commnents maybe ..i love him and my family way to much to let this crap ruin it....


stay strong!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

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Great post Wally, it obviously came from the heart.

[greeneyes]

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Ditto. Excellent post wally.

[Doggygirl]

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Hi Open heart. I can relate to the troubles that alcohol is causing in your marriage. For me to take a step towards sobriety, I had to start getting honest with myself about why I drank. I used to blame other people and circumstances for my drinking. i.e.:

* I drink becuase you criticize me too much.
* I drink because my boss pissed me off.
* I drink because my parents did XYZ when I was a kid.

The bottom line for me is that is was NOT my husband's fault or my bosses fault or my parent's fault or anyone's fault that I drank too much. I didn't drink too much due to "rebellion" even though that was often my excuse / explanation. I drank too much because I am an alcoholic, and when I take one drink, I can't stop. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are - the result is always the same. I think this is what Wally is saying too - she thought it was the husband, but the drinking continued even after the husband. It was really, really hard for me to finally get honest with myself. It's not easy, but it's sure worth it.


All the best to you,

DG

[openheart]

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Thank you all for your responses--they were so compassionate while also encouraging me to be accountable for myself. Everything you all wrote is so true. I had written the original post when I was under the influence and in an argument w/ hubby over my drinking--I have been cringing since I wrote it and haven't had the courage to come back to read the follow ups til now. I did come across as whiney and self-righteous as I felt--I appreciate the gentle yet firm responses to my pity party. Am 8 days AF and hanging in there. It is feeling progressively better and stronger the more days away from alc. Thinking of you all at the cusp of the new year.

[YoungAtHeart]

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Just a postscript, openheart. Hopefully it won't be necessary, because you won't be arguing with your husband about drinking.

I have a hard time with people who seem critical, too, even if they mean well. I don't think the problem is purely rebelliousness; I think people feel rebellious to cover up deep feelings of hurt. If you find yourself feeling rebellious, maybe take a look deeper inside. We all want to feel loved and supported, and when we don't feel that (whether warranted or not), we often react with anger, instead of expressing our hurt.

I'm glad that you were able to come back here and read the responses. We drinkers can be an ornery lot; often that is because we are already angry at ourselves, and it is very easy to feel criticized.

All the best to you, and happy new year!

[Doggygirl]

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openheart;782914 wrote: Thank you all for your responses--they were so compassionate while also encouraging me to be accountable for myself. Everything you all wrote is so true. I had written the original post when I was under the influence and in an argument w/ hubby over my drinking--I have been cringing since I wrote it and haven't had the courage to come back to read the follow ups til now. I did come across as whiney and self-righteous as I felt--I appreciate the gentle yet firm responses to my pity party. Am 8 days AF and hanging in there. It is feeling progressively better and stronger the more days away from alc. Thinking of you all at the cusp of the new year.

Congratulations openheart! This is a challenging journey, that is for sure. But sobriety is well worth the price of admission - at least it has been life changing (for the better!) for me. The self honesty can be so difficult, and yet for me it has been a huge part of the key to my freedom.

Happy New Year to you!

DG

[openheart]

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Thank you, YAH--got a little teary reading your post. You are very wise. And kind.
Open.

[YogaHeart25]

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Rebel

I so get the rebel part. And when people put pressure on us...we put more pressur on ourselves. And our insides just rebel.

We (I) have to learn to be more kind to ourselves. I remember someone telling me....its not your fault you have this thing...but it your responsiblity to fix it. I am still a work in progress...and see some hard days ahead of me.

Much love to you and thank you for your post.....I reminds me that I am not alone. I need to come here....instead of stopping at the store.