In a conversation with my 19 year old son...the details of which I can barely remember...something about his lack of faith in God...I say something about his best friend who was killed by a drunk driver two years ago. He went upstairs and punched a hole in his door...I followed him to apologize and found him crying on his bed...my beautiful son who never cries and his battling his own addiction...I did this to him. I have done some truly horrible things while drinking...but to hurt my own child like this...I know I have been hurting my family all along with my drinking...but I feel like the most horrible mother/person in the world. I'm starting antabuse today, and finally downloading the MWO book. The thing is if I'm not drinking I don't want to be awake...sleep as much as possible...another way to avoid reality I guess. It hurts to be drinking and it hurts to be sober...but I pray that I am done hurting my family.
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HI Schafer,
I totally understand, I seem to do say things that hurt my family as well when the wine gets the best of me. Don't beat yourself up, every day is a new day. I got all the supplements and started today as well. Have you tried the baclofen or Topa?
hanging -
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It takes a while for some to start feeling better when going sober. You might find that you feel physically better within a week though. When you are sober, you will be able to find out if something else is going on, like anxiety or depression. I wish you all the best in beginning a sober life. It will get better.AF as of August 5th, 2012
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Hi Schaeffer,
Antabuse is a very good idea. Once you take the pill, it makes the decision as to whether to drink or not away. Sleep at first, then get yourself back into the real world. It's the only way to start overcoming the things that make you drink to begin with. We weren't always like this and we have to try to remember that we were once sober and able to function without it. Find something you like to do and spend as much time as you can doing that. Once you get some sober time under your belt, clarity will take the place of intoxication. The rewards of sobriety come quicker then I thought they would.
Kudos to you for taking the Antabuse. Stick with it.AF since 2/4/10
Nicotine free since 3/31/10
FINALLY FREEComment
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I'll leave the others to comment on the AL thing, except to say Baclofen and all the supps work for me.
My best friend was killed in a car cash when we were 18. It totally screwed me up. I think most people go through that "what would happen if my family were killed" etc. etc in those dark times of teenage hormonal depression. But, what I never ever really considered was the possibility of myself or my friends being killed, we were young and invincible. When it does happen it is the biggest reality check imaginable, it totally shook my world (which was pretty shook up already!). Looking back it's not just the death of a dear dear friend, it's and end to childhood and a certain naivety. I suddenly realised that ALL my friends and family and indeed myself were very mortal, it wasn't just in the darkness of a sleepless night that they could be taken away. An event like that at that age is a huge shock, and I had to do a lot of growing up very very quickly. I look back now and I think... well I don't know what to think really.
Eventually I figured something out: I figured out that there's some stuff you just can't get over, some stuff just have to learn to live with, stuff that becomes a part of who you are. It did take me a while to figure that out but it's stood me in good stead ever since.
Looking back I don't think there is much my parents or anyone else could have done, and the pain I went through certainly wasn't their fault (including my AL mother) so don't beat yourself up.
I think at some stage we all have to find solutions to the troubles in our lives within ourselves. At the very difficult stage between childhood and adulthood that is a very difficult and equally important lesson we all need learn; just as parents I think it is probably even more difficult but just as important to watch our children go through that barrier. We just need to be there for them.
p.s. Alcohol is not something I'm prepared to live with, I WILL get over it,
p.p.s. In my case it was brothers head not my fist I put through the wall,
p.p.p.s. Must tell my Mum how much I love her - just for being there, whatever state she was inComment
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I've just read my post, and it looks really pessimistic, it isn't meant to be, it's just part of life's rich tapestry.
Do take care
SComment
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Hi Schaefer.
I hurt my son and so many others badly over the years. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, as I'm sure you didn't, but the wrong word here or there and it seems worlds just fall apart. I have learned to be very careful about expressing myself so I tend not to. As I've been told a million times words are just that and it's actions that matter, but they can cut like a knife.
Being sober has allowed me to think more about what I say and how I say it, though I'm not going to lie to anyone, just to keep the peace (a personality defect of mine). I just keep my own counsel.
I hope you and yours have a happier time soon.Comment
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Hello Schaefer, maybe this is just the trigger you needed.
I dont imagine there is one of us here, that at some stage, hasen't felt regrets and disgust at things we have said and done while very drunk. This is not the real you, you are not a bad mother, this is the AL and he has you in his grip, .
You can choose to take your life back but it takes hard work and commitment, but boy is it so worth it. I dont mean to sound harsh but YOU need to decide to do this. Believe me it is possible, just look at the success stories all around us here. And it does get better. You know you wont lack for support and help here so take the leap and see where it can bring you, you owe it to yourself and your family.
Keep safe
KTABEthanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?Comment
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Schaefer
Yep we have all done our fair share of damage to those personal relationships while drunk. Said and did things we would never do sober. Oh Boy and then the GUILT. The guilt becomes as bad as the words and actions in a different way, like a form of self punishment. I still have a ways to go in my journey but I am finding the futher I get from DRUNK I don't say and do things to hurt my loved ones and have no guilt.
All the best to you in your fightComment
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Hi Schaefer,
I took my son for a "joy ride" as he says a couple of months ago completely wasted. I was so plowed I have very little recollection of where we drove. Miraculously, we ended up at home unscathed.
I harbor an immense amount of guilt over what I did and the danger I put my child in. Unfortunately, it cannot be undone, ever. I think about it every day. I could have killed my child. I could have completely ruined my life if I'd gotten a DUI, in my area, the consequences would have most likely been enough jailtime to lose my house, job, and children (its a FELONY here if your child is in the car and I'm sure I would have qualified for one of the EXTREME BAC levels).
I use my guilt to fuel a better tomorrow, that's all we can do in the present. What is done cannot be undone; but the cycle must end.Comment
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Thank you everyone...so much...this support means everything. Hangingon...I haven't tried the Baclofen or Topa as yet, but I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday and plan to ask about trying something...best of luck to you on your journey. YoungAtHeart...you're right...I have a history of depression and anxiety....I know alcohol just makes it worse...but I'm scared of who I am without it...but more scared of who I am with it controlling my life. Shirazgirl...I'm so glad you said that about the antabuse...and I have to keep reminding myself that it is a good idea...today I was talking on the phone with my sister about Christmas dinner and things, and I was thinking...what have I done...I shouldn't have taken that...how will I ever make it through the holidays...ugh! Spectra...thanks so much for sharing your story, and I'm glad the Baclofen and supplements are working for you...gives me hope!Popeye...that's the thing...I would never intentionally hurt anyone...most especially my own family...growing up I watched my dad drink...he wasn't a mean drunk...but he said hurtful things that have stuck with me. KTAB...I so hope you right...I want and need this to be the trigger to put me on a better path. Crown86...the guilt has become my constant companion...I hope I can distance myself from it as well. Gearhead...I am so glad you and your son are ok...and that have learned from it, as you say that is all we can do. I hate all these thoughts in my head...that it is stupid to try to quit the week before Christmas...that maybe I should just avoid everyone over the holidays because my whole family drinks. But I also tell myself that it will be so much better for everyone if I don't drink again.Comment
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Schaefer, I don't know you, but I understand your pain. We have all done stupid things. It seems like your son may have already been upset about his friend, so don't blame yourself for causing his angst. I have an 18 year old and a 3 year old, and a husband (who also drinks) so I understand what it is like to suffer wondering what we might be doing to our families.
I hope these posts and talks with MWO members, as well as any other resources you might choose, help you out. The holidays are an especially hard time to be dealing with these issues -- in fact, it was right around New Year's when I first came to MWO (more years ago than should be).
Please take care, and don't beat yourself up.
xoox
CSComment
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Thanks CS...I'm really struggling with not drinking through the holidays. But I don't even know how many years it's been that I've said I'll quit after Christmas...quit after New Year's...never happened.Comment
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And again...
Today was going to be day three AF...could not drag myself out of bed until 1 PM. Was feeling really down...my husband I went grocery shopping and such...I secretly bought vodka and put it in my purse...when he went into a store I poured some into my 7-Up and drank on the way home and all through the evening. Felt so much "better" unti my 16 year old daughter started complaining...as she does every year...that she will be the only one of her friends not going away for March Break. Sometimes I get tired of her never appreciating the things we do give her. And to be honest there is also always the guilt that we could do/have more but I spend ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol each week. So I say to her~ "you don't have any friends"...mother of the year
And it really hurt her because she has been feeling alone. If I was in therapy right now...which obviously I should be...I would also say that all along I have been scared that she will turn out like me..a loser with no friends at all. I told her I was joking...but she is mad and hurt. And I hate myself...more and more each day. I know all about scars that don't heal...and here I am inflicting them upon my own children...again...
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Hi Schaefer,
It's good that you were able to do two days AF. That's a start and tomorrow is another day to begin again.
Although you feel terrible about what you said to your daughter today, you cannot undo that. And likely, if you continue to drink, it will happen again...and perhaps worse. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, because I don't mean it that way. Just concerned for you. If you need additional help to get off the booze, there is no shame in that. If you are going to give it another go with the support here, how can we help? Do you have a detailed plan to stop? For example, what could be done differently when you feel like buying vodka?
Hope you come back tomorrow!Comment
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