help 16 yr old and pot

[looking for peace]

I found a homemade bong in our basement yesterday with some ashes and water in it. I deduced that it was my 16 year old son's. I confronted him, he did a little bit of dancing around and finally admitted he started smoking pot "socially" last year at school. (if it's social, why smoke alone at home?) He claims "everyone does it" and it's no big deal. And, "mom, you drink all the time".. I told him that I am 49 years old and drinking is legal. His dad smoked pot in HS, never at home or someone else's home. He eventually grew out of it like most of his friends and became a successful scientist.

We moved from another state last year and he's been trying to fit in (This is the way he chose to do it). His grades are good but he only participates in extra curricular activities when we bug him about it, then drops them after awhile.

I feel like a hypocrite because other than the age and the legality, I feel I'm doing the same thing. Drinking alone, trying to fit in, trying to escape. I'm just very worried. I didn't drink at all last night, even though that info would send me straight for a drink. It scared me so much, I don't want to tell him one thing and myself do another.

My husband isn't as concerned about the actual smoking, he's more concerned about lying, breaching trust and bringing it into the house. I'm more afraid of the actual smoking....I'm afraid he's just like me. I called a therapist that he was seeing last year and hope to get more advice when he calls me back. Until then I haven't been able to really sleep or eat. Any advice? By the way today is his 16th birthday.

[tawnywitch]

help 16 yr old and pot

LFP.I really sympathise, I have 4 son's, I know my eldest smoked dope, not much and doesn't any more I think ,he's 29 now, I have a15 year old and I worry that he will, I think in a way I agree with your husband that I would be more worried about the lying etc, but like you I would feel he would turn out like you drinking etc, I can't really say much but just keep the communication going at all cost, if he clam's up because he feel's your nagging him, that's when it break's down, difficult with teenage boy's but so important, good luck, I hope someone here can help more, Tawnywitch

[hart]

help 16 yr old and pot

Boy I hope I don't have to relate soon, my son turns 15 this month. I know I would feel like you. When drinking I would have felt like a hypocrit criticizing him. I truly don't think pot is any worse than drinking...BUT I wouldn't want my son drinking at 16 either....

I kind of feel like your hubby, the lying is worse than the actual act. I commend you for calling a therapist and getting their advice AND for not drinking though you were upset.

I have no advice, but I offer my support. :l

[JimBeam911]

help 16 yr old and pot

I'm not a parent, but I can see why it might be natural enough to worry about something like this. If this is any consolation, I smoked pot throughout high school and turned out fine, as did most of my friends. Even the heaviest users began tapering their use by the time they finished college, and at least in my own case, I only smoke a few times a year. So in a nutshell, I would keep an eye on your son but not worry too much about it. It would be more worrying if you were to discover that he was drinking, or especially, if he was hiding drinking. In that case, the alarm bells might be more warranted given that you yourself report abusing alcohol, but I wouldn't worry too much about pot. Just make sure he doesn't eat too much junk food when he gets the munchies!

[Raven.joy]

help 16 yr old and pot

Dont worry about the pot I did it for years and was great. When I stopped alcohol and problems began.

[Guest]

help 16 yr old and pot

I know for a fact my 16 yr old is smoking it and has been for at least a year, tho not in front of me or in the house, just keep those communication lines open so youve a fair idea whats going on in his head, dishing out the shit and telling him he cant do this or that will achieve nothing but a deep divide between the two of you, good luck to you both, us mums of teens must stick together!

[peacenik]

help 16 yr old and pot

hmmmmmm, i smoked ALOT of pot for YEARS...i love an altered state. i found that fter i had my daughter, i began drinking precicely because it was legal and i didn't have to worry about finding pot or having it in my house with a child.
i worry about pot because it is such a demotivator and it affects kids more than adults.
i think that if i were in your shoes (and i might be i a few years) that i would lay down the law. i would probably let him know that if he continues to smoke, he will lose privaledges such as cell phone, car use, evenings out etc...and STICK TO IT. if you find out he has continued, give him the consequences that you told him of ahead of time,and don't yell or make him fel bad, just dole out the consequences as you said you would.

we might feel like hipocrits, but this is our job and responsibility as parents. the kids can deal with it. we will be letting them down in the long run if we don't give them boundaries and rules.

i undertand how you feel, but you are the parent, you make the rules. if he breaks them, he knows what will come next.

good luck and remind me of my advice when i ask for it!!!
:H:l

[Guest]

help 16 yr old and pot

my experience is when you dish the shit the problem escalates, do you seriously think he will stop???He will just go to greater lenghts to hide it and the divide between child and parent will get wider and wider. Hes a teenager , not a two yr old, hes a bit beyond the naughty step stage.............

[peacenik]

help 16 yr old and pot

i think it depends on the relationship as well. if the relationship hasn't functioned like this in the past, it might backfire, but it also might work. maybe he doesn't know that he wants boundaries. maybe he needs an out, or an excuse to use with friends. i think teenagers need boundries just like small children. they need to know where the line is and that you will stick with your rules. this is coming from a woman who's parents were total lasse faire, no rules or boundaries hippies. i believe that if they had given me some rules and consequences, i might not have gotten as deeply involved in the drug scene.
it's worth a try.
i didn't say belittle the kid or make him feel bad about himself...continue loving him unconditionally, but hold true to the rules you set as the parent.

[Guest]

help 16 yr old and pot

and Peace this is not aimed at you in particular but I will NEVER take advice on how to deal with my teenagers from a parent of much younger kids...they havent a freakin clue what its like or whats in store for them!I almost feel sorry for them.

[peacenik]

help 16 yr old and pot

no worries! my kid is 12 and she acts like a 15 year old sometimes. i continue to lay down the law in a loving fair way, and she responds to it fairly well. of course she yells and slams doors, but we always talk about it after and i make sure to emphasize that i love her unconditionally, but i will not tolerate the behavior.

we'll see how it turns out!!!
:H

[Guest]

help 16 yr old and pot

ah sure were doing our best , thats all we can do.Ive a 12 yr old girl as well, she hasnt started on me yet...lets hope it stays that way!

[crown86]

help 16 yr old and pot

I remember when I was your son's age my mother caught me with a nickle bag..LOL I am 42 now..nickle bag for those who remember 1 finger across a baggy for $5.00 of columbian gold..LOL

My mother had a friend who was a policeman unknown to me. Boy did that visit scare the crap out of me. He came over the house and was telling me he was going to have my bag tested and I was going to jail etc..never took me anywhere or anything just threatened and lectured me. I can honestly say I didn't smoke pot again till after college.

Even smoking pot after college it was very rare...it's fun and all but if I smoke more than 3 times a year..thats a lot.

Good Luck

[Guest]

help 16 yr old and pot

crown86;794355 wrote: I remember when I was your son's age my mother caught me with a nickle bag..LOL I am 42 now..nickle bag for those who remember 1 finger across a baggy for $5.00 of columbian gold..LOL

My mother had a friend who was a policeman unknown to me. Boy did that visit scare the crap out of me. He came over the house and was telling me he was going to have my bag tested and I was going to jail etc..never took me anywhere or anything just threatened and lectured me. I can honestly say I didn't smoke pot again till after college.

Even smoking pot after college it was very rare...it's fun and all but if I smoke more than 3 times a year..thats a lot.

Good Luck

:H:H:Hsend that copper over our way , will you!

[akgirl]

help 16 yr old and pot

I agree with Peace that they need boundaries but other than that, Limers is right. You have to parent a teen sooooo much different. I had a hard time in the beginning because I still thought of him as my little boy. It truly backfires if you over parent a teen. They need you, your support and boundaries but they need space and trust. They are going to have to learn things the hard way just like we did. As parents we can't save them from everything, only coach and guide them.

When me and my son first starting having trouble with the whole pre-teen thing I panicked. But then got smart, and read some great books about parenting teens. I also got a program called Total Transformation. Very, very eye opening. It made me realize that a lot of our problems was because of how I was parenting him. One of the books called "An Uncommon Sense Guide to Parenting Teens" had a lot in it from the teens point of view, and how they hear what we say and how it makes them feel.

By educating myself about teens I changed our relationship. We have new respect for each other.

So, I don't really have any advice specifically regarding the pot smoking, but I would definately reccomend learning about teens. Most parents dread the teen years....I don't anymore.

Good Luck
:l