Sunday 8th October

[Waves 2]

Hi all,

I am feeling really down again today. I have not slept properly in a week. I feel that I really let myself down in the inspection. The school came out okay but I didn't show myself in a good light. I had a satisfactory lesson but made stupid mistakes that I am now beating myself up about and wondering just how bad it is going to look for me when the report comes out. The other teachers are fantastic which makes my "satisfactory" look bad and in a meeting with all the staff I was proven to be the weak link. No-one spoke to me about it which makes it worse because they are feeling sorry for me. (They probably know that I am fighting this battle with drink.) I know that there are more serious things to cry about and now it's finished I can't change anything anyway so why am I reliving everything over and over? The worst part is that our school is going to be taken over by a bigger school soon and of course the new head will be looking at this report as well as all the other staff there. I feel that the past seven years drinking have probably led me to this position. Is the future change in my professional life the only reason I have tried to start changing my drinking habits? Why had I not noticed that my work had changed from "good" ( previous inspection) ? I know as I write that I had noticed but pretended otherwise to myself. How do I hold my head up if it does look as bad on paper as I think it will? The only good thing about this week has been that my muffin has shrunk cos I haven't been able to eat properly either. It didn't stop me comfort drinking last night to help me get 5 hours sleep but since 4am it has been a nightmare again. Hubby isn't happy with me jumping in and out of bed every early morning. Any ideas how to stop the torment ? ( without alcohol as I can't drink tonight and face tomorrow) Sorry.

[trishinnebraska]

Sunday 8th October

Don't be so hard on yourself!

Waves - As I sat here early this morning reading your post my heart ached for you. You are being so very hard on yourself - you are a worthy person! Anyone who chooses teaching as a profession is a very special person in my book! Where would any of us be without those special people who chose to teach us??? Please try to consider not looking back over these past years - but looking forward to what you can accomplish going forward! You are good and worthwhile and nothing can convince me otherwise!! Try and have a good positive day just for today and then see what Monday brings :l :l :l We muffins think you're the greatest!

[mary8305]

Sunday 8th October

Waves,Hope it's not as bad as you think it'll be.You're making some positive changes now,which is so great,it's hard to see what havoc alcohol can wreak on all of our pasts.whether it be jobs, relationship,family lifes.But living in the moment right now you can be proud of what you're doing today and we love you and share your pain.Hang in there,love ,Mare

[dilayne]

Sunday 8th October

Good Morning Glories!
Hi Waves..(Big Hugs)..I know it's really hard not to relive every moment of the last few days, I certainly can do that. Maybe it will be helpful to look at these past few years from a different perspective..the way I try to look at my life (the good and the bad) is with a knowing that it is exactly as it is meant to be...if you're performance in your work (your outer life) has declined because of the drinking, it can always improve by your efforts to take repsonsibility for it..but also that it can be a gift...an opportunity to look at your life from a different perspective..there is always a gift there if you look for it, somehow I know that this journey may take you into a deep and maybe dark place, but I also know that it is a necessary journey for all of us..we can't avoid it, it's necessary for mature living...and usually it's something in our outer world that pushes into our inner world..where we will find the gifts necessary to live the second half of our lives. You are not alone in this either...you have all us (that I believe are undergoing similar journeys)..what you are going through is humbling, but humility is a gracious state to be in..it makes us softer and more pliable to the truth that lies beneath our stubborn egoic minds. Take care today and be gentle with yourself..take a nap if you can and know everything is going to be just fine.....

sorry if I'm rambling on...I tend to do that...

As for me, I digressed last night..I had 2 beers in the afternoon and a bottle of chardonnay last night..I'm feeling it today along with major cramps and have to finish a freelance job today! Other than that, I had a lovely night with my husband and am generally feeling OK..even if I am digressing a bit, I know that once my period is over, I always am stronger and am able to stay on program much more easily..

have a great day muffins.

[InnerStrength]

Sunday 8th October

Hey Waves
I am thinking about you today sweetheart. I think our other beautiful muffins have already put it so well that i doubt I could add much more. I will say this though: I'll bet its not nearly as bad as you think. You sound exactly like me - I tend to think, and think and think about things like this and often-times its not nearly as bad as I was thinking.
Also, I agree wholeheartedly with what Dilayne was saying - as hard as it is, I truly, truly have come to believe over the last few months that everything that happens to us, ( and i hope you believe this too otherwise you can tell to shove it! ), is meant, for SOME reason or another, to happen. I truly believe that in everything that happens, SOMETHING good is meant to come of it - in your case, whether it be this self-reflection, whether its to help you along your journey, I dont know. But I truly believe this.

Anyways Waves, big HUG to you. We are here for you and love you tons.
Everyone else - i love you all. I hope you are having a great weekend,
Love jen.

[Quiescent]

Sunday 8th October

Good Morning,

Waves,

I know when I am not drinking it is especially hard to sleep. I take over the counter sleep aids like unisom or sominex. I don't think it's a good idea to take them and drink too but if you are having trouble sleeping while not drinking I know it helps me.

Also, if that isn't something that you're interested in if you post under holistic healing, CV1 usually has some great ideas on herbal remedies for just about everything!

I'm dosing up to 175 mgs of topa today.

Today will be AF day for me

I'm still drinking beyond what I think is healthy so I will continue to dose up with the topa. I am going to look into more of the amino suppliments to add to what I already take and really commit to getting back into an exercise routine. There's a little voice inside that is even considering counseling? Am I in denial still. I don't want to quit drinking all together! But I am having a really hard time moderating still. We went out after work last night. I had more than I inteded again. Same story, over and over again.

I told hubby today if I get to 300 of topa and I am still not able to moderate I will have to take antibuse:upset:

If my memory serves me right someone told me that bounce from abs was on 300 mgs of topa and still drinking too much and is now on antibuse and is two months sober.

I know I am going on and on here........................


Jen.........day 7 now????? no pressure just inquiring:l


It's beautiful here today.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

[InnerStrength]

Sunday 8th October

Hey rachele
Its day 8 for me
By the way, dont be discouraged, sweety. Everyone is different with the topa. Look at the Lancet article. It says they didnt note the self-reported real decrease in drinking or the physical indicators of decreased cravings until people hit the 200mg stage of the topa. Also I have talked to lots of people around here that say that when they went from 150mg to 200mg (in that range) THAT's when the "switch" went off in their brain and they noticed the real change.
For ex - I am now Day 8 and I could never have done that before. I am still amazed. I didnt have any real cravings last week.. I swear it - I didnt suffer hardly at all. And that was when I went from 150mg - 175mg. At 150mg I was still having nasty cravings and was AF 2 days a week, MAYBE 3 if I was lucky.
SO hang in there.
Love ya
Jen

[Waves 2]

Sunday 8th October

Thanks

:thanks: everyone for your support and helpful comments. I will try to look on the positive side again after the inspiration from all of you. I have some Nytol which is a herbal aid to sleep so perhaps I should try that tonight. I feel a bit like a wet lettuce-all limp and washed out. Thanks again. I'll try not to be so miserable tomorrow.:h

Love Waves x

[Quiescent]

Sunday 8th October

Congratulations Jen!

8 days Yippeeeeeeeeeeee!!! You are a lion aren't you?

Thanks for the encouragement! Attached files [img]/converted_files/144978=47-attachment.gif[/img]

[Saint Jude]

Sunday 8th October

Hi Everybody! I'm back! Survived the Anniversary Party for my folks' 50th! We had a great turnout... over 100 people !! Considering the size of this town.. that's quite impressive! Of course we had relatives from all over the state (and outside of it too) that showed up too. Pretty neat.
We managed to turn the Fire Hall into a beautiful & festive room for an evening, complete with fresh flowers, candles, lace, gold embossed napkins, matches, & bubbles, w/ my Mom & Dads names on em...;gold table cloths.... we went full blown!! We had live music ( I even played guitar & sang a song to Mom & Dad...!! very scarey!!) We had a full spread of food w/ gourmet cheeses & shrimp, etc... full open bar...


I only had 2 1/2 glasses of wine the entire evening!! I wanted to drink a gallon of tequila before I played & sang my song! (thank God we didn't have any available!!)
I'm not a public performer... but I was kinda pushed into it!!

I played & sang a Kate Wolfe song, "Give yourself to Love". I think she wrote it for a wedding. I was afraid I would cry.. but I managed to get thru without breaking up!

And of course with this small town and my reputation... I had a couple of nosey ol ladies with nothing better to do... The first one came up and commented on how pretty I looked, and said "you'll HAVE to behave now!"
The same woman who said something to me @ work a few weeks ago at the cafe... regarding me being sober for the party... I don't even know her that well! Just a nosey old woman, with too much time on her hands!

After that, another lady came up & sniffed my glass! The woman who lives across the road from Mom & Dad, who I grew up horsebackriding with. I just smiled & said, "It's OK, I'm 46 years old." (the same women who brought her son's phone into the store to have my husband work on it.. when he opened it, there was a baggie w/ some type of mysterious crystal substance... duh!) Small town FUN!!! Gotta love it!!

So, it was a great evening!! Just a couple of small details that I refused to let bother me. I know I've earned my reputation,... BUT, I also know what I am capable of, and what I'm doing today. I don't have to answer those people that can't or won't move ahead, because I already have!:H


Well I guess I've made up for not posting for a day!!

Thanks for letting me share!! And rant...
Hope everyones doing well.

Waves, Jenneh is right, things are usually not as bad as you think they might be. It'll be ok. We're all works in progress.

[gypsi]

Sunday 8th October

Mornin' all -

Yesterday was probably one of the most horrible days in my recent life. Someone that I had considered a sister (way beyond best friend) said some of the meanest things I've ever had anyone say to me. When I was talking to her about my success with going from drinking seven days to only two or three, I got no congratulations, no pat on the back. Instead, I was told to quit being a whiny bitch and just quit with the drinking already...

Oh yeah, I'm hurting today. This, from someone who I would have done anything for. Then, she goes on to tell me that I needed to stop having the, "it's all about me" attitude, never mind the fact that I just buried my only living parent less than three months ago. It's past time to 'get over it' and move on with life.

I can't write anymore. Can't see the screen through the tears...

[Quiescent]

Sunday 8th October

Gypsi,

I'm so sorry to hear someone so close to you has betrayed your trust. You trusted her to be careful with you and she was careless and thoughtless.

I wish I could give you a hug right now:l When someone betrays us like this it hurts to the core.:l


:l I am thinking of you today:l

[soccermom]

Sunday 8th October

Gypsi---Waves--seems like some of us are so hurt today...I first want to thank you all so much for your honesty..I for one, am not the best at opening up to people and communicating my feelings..I too have considered counseling for a long time..I have really appreciated your thoughtfulness on your posts about your husbands, your insightfulness on codependency, as it all makes sense..I walked for about 2 hours today just trying to make sense of it...we are such complicated beings..and Dilayne..you're right..that this journey brings us into some dark territory..scary. I know that I am having to recognize that a great deal of my 15years of marriage, every event, has involved alocohol, and now that I am trying to change that, change me and what, dynamics are shifting. Mkr--I do love that you said how sad it would be to be at the end of our lives and not have taken the risks to change...how did you get to be so wise? Jen--also, making up for the percieved failures--as my husband has "rescued" me from many situations where I have drank too much---awoke the next morning....and he never even mentioned the fact that he got me home and in bed... therefore, I spend the next 2 days making it up to him...however, now I'm going on 3 and 1/2 months without an "episode" (okay 1) and I haven't had to do that....Such wise ladies you are...all your input....thank you...lots for me to think about....by the way, I haven't even TOLD my husband about any of this...I don't even know if he's noticed how much less I've been drinking...fears: comments??? control? not that he's like that in any way. I find I want him to drink less...to change...I'm so Fearful of telling him about any of this.....now I'm sorry to rant...
Waves--I teach...first I hope you do hold your head up!! Any lesson that is observed by an administrator and than evaluated and that is all the teacher is judged on is a flawed evaluation...teaching is much more than that one eval!! And if those other teachers are judging you because they feel you have had a problem with alcohol, it is really not their place to judge...You probably did much better than you think...Please know that I believe in you!
Gypsi-I'm sorry about the loss of your parent...I'm sorry about the insensitiveness of your friend. Who knows why people react the way they do to others successes?? Here you are with something positive to share with her and she can't share that with you. I wish I could hug you..I am feeling so emotionally raw today with so many things...I am so sorry to hear so many of us feelig so sad...
you know I love you so very, very much my dear friends.
sm-mary

[dilayne]

Sunday 8th October

Hi SM-Mary and Gypsi..
Mary,you ar doing great...I've been seeing a psychotherapist for about a year now..it has been the most important thing I've ever done for myself...I recommend it to EVERYONE...one of things I had to learn to do is to just give myself permission to focus on myself...Gypsi..I want to say that to you as well...your friend is being very insensitive..she hasn't got a clue about what you are going through..but often the people reflect back to us how we are really feeling inside...when you give yourself permission to be self indulgent for a while (it's not a bad thing..especially when you are making big changes) I think we feel guilty about it..and other people will reflect that back...sometimes it takes the outside world a while to catch up..tell her 'OUCH'..(my therapist told me once that we really need to just say 'OUCH' when someone has hurt us so that we can move on) Also, Gypsi..she may be just like a spouse would be...afraid of the changes in you..it may bring up issues for her that she doesn't want to deal with so she projected it back onto you with negativity...she may herself have a hard time dealing with grief or any other emotion that is deeper and it makes her uncomfortable to be around other people that are doing it...she wants to stop it so that she doesn't have to feel anything...it is a lonely journey..period..we are so lucky to have this forum to share it with...because chances are no one else in your personal circle will know..but that is OK! (hugs)

[gypsi]

Sunday 8th October

Thank you...


:l Went and had myself a good cry, feeling a bit stedier now, I think. It just so hurts that this person (who in fact was the one that told me about this program) would turn out to be so unsupportive and insensitive. This entire year has been one loss after another for me, in many different ways, but the loss of her friendship will be one of the hardest. She was the only friend that I had that I didn't find in a bar. I found her while going to college, and I guess I really thought that since our relationship was not defined by drinking, it would be a 'best friends forever' kind of thing. Sadly, I was wrong, and now I have to move on from there, because staying in such a hurtful place will do nothing positive for me; it could (if I allow it to) send me back to where I was two months ago -
Drinking 7 days a week.
I do not want that, nor will I allow alcohol to control my life like that ever again.

So, in the spirit of moving on, here's Chicken Soup for today -

Going through my trunk one day, I stopped to read and memories of my life appeared, blessing me again.
I lingered on some photos of those no longer here. I thanked God for the time with many held so dear. I found my granddad's Bible, its pages old and torn. My name is written in that book on the day that I was born.
I closed the trunk remembering our lives are short at best. Fill your trunk with goodness and God will do the rest.
-Joan Clayton

And -

Good memories are precious photos upon our herats.
-Joan Clayton

This speaks volumes to me, for obvious reasons. I will treasure the friendship that she and I had, and find a way to unremember (?) the ugliness that ended it last night. :flower: :l :h