I'm female

[sick of being sick]

I hate to intrude in a "Guys" forum. I have not read any of your post. I have a question about men, however. My husband and I are both acoholics. We have been trying to quit together, but he is not as serious about it as I am. We have been married 19 years. I stay fit, look nice and try to always look my best at night. The problem is my husband does not find me desirable. We only have sex about 2 times a year. Does alcohol do this to a guy or is it just me? He makes me feel very undesirable and unloved. I dare not to try to get him to make love to me as I have always been rejected and left with hurt feelings. Should I just put my desires in a closet or is there anything I can do? Thanks for any suggestions or input.

[hippie37]

I'm female

SOBS I can identify with those feelings of feeling undesirable and unloved because my ex partner told me on many occasions that this is how I made her feel too. Of course, when I was with my partner, I didn't take any notice of this because I was more concerned with my drinking than my relationship (I wasn't concerned about much else, to be honest). Only when I put myself in her shoes as a recovering alcoholic did I see the hurt and pain I must of caused her. In effect, to her it probably felt like I was punishing her in some way by withholding sex. It was never a mutual act of love-making because either I felt under duress to perform or I simply controlled our love making, as and when I felt like it. This was rare and I would usually have some sort of excuse not to engage with her that may lead into sex.

Our relationship was one of many insecurities on both sides. We both had control issues (that didn't help) and my ex always saw sex as a way of being intimate with me. I didn't have a problem with that as long as it was on MY terms. So I didn't let that intimacy be free flowing. So I was always the one in control of whether we had sex or not. It started to become that my ex would ask me in the morning if it was OK to have sex that night when I got home. More often than not I would be the one to fake a head-ache and say I've had a hard day in work. Either that or I would go the pub after work and get pissed so I was unable to 'function'. All these rebuffs after me saying "YES!" in the morning times was where the feelings of rejection worsened for her. Not only was everything done according to my plan, but I was now reneging on the promise I'd made earlier that were 'penciled in' (in my eyes). This was no way to have a mutual respecting and loving relationship with a healthy attitude towards sex.

I used to get into relationships as a way of making myself feel complete. the problem with that though was that after the honeymoon period was over I was left feeling incomplete again. Hence why none of my relationships have ever flourished beyond anything further than a false sense of love. It was needy, it was controlling and it wasn't real for me. I'd played the romantic and portrayed myself in an image that I just couldn't live up to. I tried hard to be the man I wanted to be and be that person in the relationship but I just couldn't manage it because of my insecurities and past failures as a man. So these co-dependency issues that I had meant that after a while my needs weren't being met because the false sense of self that I had (and was masking) was slowly crumbling. I couldn't let people get too close to all that built up shame over the years and this didn't allow me to be true to myself. So I had to control everything so people didn't get too close to my 'dirty little secrets'.

"Why aren't MY needs getting met?" The thing about us alcoholics is that we are very self centered and self seeking creatures by habit. We think the world revolves around us and how we're feeling. We very often don't consider what's going on for those people around us; and especially those that we're close to. That expression "Can't see the wood for the trees" was very apt for me!! We can't change other people but we can change ourselves and our own attitudes to life, love, intimacy and sex.

I don't really know where this is leading to be honest SOBS. I just wanted to share with you that I can empathize with how your feeling. I was a shit to my ex partner if the truth be told and I'm glad I made some very large amends to her recently for my behaviour within the relationship. I know it was completely selfish of me to behave in a way that left her feeling like you are feeling now. But if nothing changes, NOTHING changes. It's up to you to make the changes in your life to become a better person.

I don't think I've experienced true intimacy with a partner as yet but I hope that will all change in the future. Right now though the only relationship I'm interested in cultivating is one with my self and my spirit. That's the one that will allow me the freedom to be intimate with another human being. We all have sexual urges and needs. I get them all the time. But I'm not willing to hurt another person again by getting involved just to satisfy those needs. I'm happy going it alone for the time being!

If you get the chance read this book.

The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth Classic Edition: Amazon.co.uk: M.Scott Peck: Books

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[sick of being sick]

I'm female

As usual, your post always have so much insight. Thank you so much for responding. I guess I will learn to ignore my sexual desires and not put any pressure on him. In the past he has tried to perform and couldn't and just called himself a f___ing drunk. Maybe that is why he doesn't even try anymore. I don't want to make him feel inadequate or pressured. All I can do is to encourage him to stay sober this one day and hopefully he will desire me in the future. I'll try not to take it personally. Thanks, hippie!

[hippie37]

I'm female

SOBS. I don't think you should 'ignore' your sexual desires. We all have them. Allow them in, recognise them, feel them and have a healthy outlet for them that is not going to hurt you or others in the process. Just don't, as you say, take things personally so you end up resenting your husband.

This is about empowering YOU to have a more fulfilling life without alcohol and hopefully that will extend to your partner if he sees the changes happening with you.

It's an all to sad and familiar pattern though, that many people find they have not a lot in common when one person recovers and the other doesn't. Partners get left behind in the same mind set that is no longer appealing to the recovering alcoholic. I think I never really knew my ex at all to be honest even though I'd been with her for 5 years by the time I ended our relationship.

Just concentrate on getting well right now SOBS and putting into action your chosen plan for recovery. The rest will follow as and when it will. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[JimBeam911]

I'm female

SOBS,

This is one of those scenarios that is different for different people. It is common for heavy alcohol use to affect one's libido. This has never happened to me, but I'm only 30, so I suspect I still have nature on my side! However, your situation doesn't sound like something shocking, given that you describe your husband as a heavy drinker. The only way to tell for sure is to see if things improve after he stops drinking, which of course would involve convincing him to give it up, which might be a challenge. Other than that, talk to him about it. If he's off in his own drunken world, he very well might be oblivious to many things, not out of spite, but out of alcohol-fueled solipsism.

[IAD]

I'm female

Sick.....it's the booze.....After awhile your just too burned out to do anything.....! I can remember one night I invited a young lady to meet me at a party....when she showed I pooped out...I really liked this girl......blew that possible liason.....IAD. Drinking really made me out to be an ass ! Not proud of it ......IAD.

[Gearhead]

I'm female

Booze does mess with libido for guys. Scientifically proven and it certainly had a noticeable impact in my marriage. At best I sucked and thought I was great! It messed up a long anticipated experience with my first girlfriend post divorce as well. On the other hand (totally innappriopriate so I apologize), I loved it when she (ex) was plowed. Easy to please and uninhibited, which was a turn-on for me. NOT encouraging drinking by either party, I am an advocate of sobriety.

[Boss.man]

I'm female

Sobs I disagree with the guys. Are you sure that you are less desirable? Or may the real issue that HE is less capable? Guys are quite famous for not admitting what is really going on. The real test is whether he is still there. Less desirable means he's got wandering eyes and feet. Less capable means he's still there, but distant and distracted, unable to talk about what's going on.

For both cases, I'd say keep pushing the buttons, and keep working on opportunities. I'll be 50 this year, and over the last four years have had huge problems with libido and self image. Things that used to be easy, and times that used to be good, just don't work for me now. And I'm the last one to admit or deal with it.

For me, a huge factor has been economic. Not in a monthly sense since my job has been secure. But it's the "guys job" to deliver financial security. When the stock market was doing it's worst last year it caused my 20 years of retirement planning and entire image of financial security to crash as well. When my ironclad ship hit the iceberg, more went down than just my ego and my bank account.

Relationships need to shift as they mature. The best way I've found is to make open spaces of opportunity, and encourage any action in that direction, and not get too discouraged if it takes a while. With luck it's just a re-tooling and re-engagement that's needed. We're not spring chickens any more, but if he's staying around, there's likely to be a reason for hope and success.

[IAD]

I'm female

Sick of being..........I'm sure your quite attractive.....but when your in a cloud of Alcohol the only thing that attracts you is booze. That's your mistress or sugar daddy.......IAD

[hart]

I'm female

Boss, I respectfully disagree. It is not the guys job to provide financial security. Get with the times hon. A lot of women make more money that their spouse, I didn't with my first hubby, and yet, due to his actions in other areas I lost all respect for him. My hubby now has always made less money than me and I highly respect him. It is not his responsibility to provide financial security. Love honor cherish in sickness and in health.....don't see anything about money in those vows......

[IAD]

I'm female

Harty....I like your thinking ! ha! Know that I'm retired my income has decressed.....My wife is making more that me! Her education has always been more than mine ( Has A BA in Buiness Admin). though I always made more than her through my Govt. job ( Go Fiquire !?! Ha! )

[sick of being sick]

I'm female

Well, this post has embarrassed me every time it came up. I do want to thank you though for the insight into a man's world. You were all right. Alcohol is poison to anyone's sex life! Being sober makes a man totally different! I am 24 days sober and my husband is 9 days sober!:jumpwow: Life is good, so be good to your other and be the BEST that you can be! And by the way, I'm damn good looking!:no: And I'm not gonna let my drunk self tell me no different no more! Love you all! Thanks!

[Bustedchalk]

I'm female

Agreed, I honestly believe that booze and drugs have killed my apatite for sex. I am only 23 and find my self less and less concerned about sex.. i'm to lazy to put in the effort plus find that woman do not desire me because i'm wasted all the time and just being a goof.

[catfish]

I'm female

Yes-alcohol will reduce the sex drive of some men. It also causes limited periods of sleep, usually causing tiredness, and a general lack of interest in most other pursuits. I too, drink pretty hard, but I still enjoy sex--it just affects different people, different ways. I'd say you have at least these 3 options--change spouses(or get a boyfriend)-get some toys and satisfy yourself or as you said, just put it out of your mind. My last wife quit sex after about 10 years of marriage--so after a year, I told her if she wasn't up for the task, I was going elsewhere--and that's what I did--we divorced about 5 years later, but I fixed the going without

[catfish]

I'm female

By the way SOBS, if he is blaming it on the alcohol, and doesn't have heart or blood pressure issue's, you can order the Viagra or Cialias(my fav), online, discreetly and I think I could have sex for 2 days, if I were passed out--just an idea--it may raise his level of passion as well as other appendages