How do i understand?

[wounded healer]

Hello All, i'm just arrived here...

Reading the other threads, Kim you said this " Understand that your husband is not doing this to hurt you." in your caring support to a member in crisis.

My husband is alcoholic, i didnt know he was when we married, 7 years ago. He does a high powered job, he financially supports my daughter and me, but his hours drinking leave me to believe its my fault. I feel punished.
If only i'd change this, do that, was better at things.. then maybe he wouldnt be out at the bar while i'm writing this. He was there all last evening too, then back again by lunch time today.

Is there only me who wants to die, well at least wants to sleep, so it all goes away? :upset:

[mojomuppet]

How do i understand?

You could end world hunger,end all wars,and cure cancer, honey he is not gonna stop untill he wants to.This is not you fault and has nothing to do with you.He probably loves you and your child dearly.Maybe you should seek some self healing for your pain .Trust me there is not much you can do for him untill he is ready.

[lushy]

How do i understand?

I agree with Mojo. I am really, really sorry for your pain and what you are going through, but until he is ready he will not change. Would perhaps having a trial separation shock some sense into him? This has absolutely not one thing to do with you and that is a fact. He has a serious problem and he needs help, but he has to want the help. Keep us posted as to how things are going. Be strong and do not take this personally.

[Helensback]

How do i understand?

Hi Wounded,

I've been in your shoes too.

The situation was a bit different but I remember it well.

He was out at the bar and I was at home. But I drank too while I was sittin' there.

He left me for the bartender and I just got more depressed and drunker than ever. A life pattern with me. Maybe too, for your husband. You often never know what torture a drinker's own mind can mete out on themselves.

What Lush said about a trial separation is good...if you're not too depressed to move a muscle. It feels to me that you are very down - although you sound like you are not a drinker and that is a good thing.

What you can do for you now, is to seek some help. As you have already by touching base on this site. But you will need to be better prepared to make a lifestyle change. No one should have to up root and be in crisis while they are seriously depressed and grieving.

Fix that, then decide on an action plan.

While you're working on that, your husband might see that you are trying to get a grip. He might notice you are trying to pull yourself out and through - and feel maybe he could look at himself a bit.

First and foremost, it is yourself you need to take care of and love. And the rest, I hope, will go much more smoothly for you.

Take care Wounded,

Helen

[Determinator]

How do i understand?

you're all very right. I drove my wife crazy and she blamed herself for my self abuse for years. she used to say "don't I Love you enough for you to see?" and other things. She fiinally convinced me that I was dragging her down with me and making her feel crazy. it finally sinked in after 8 years of me abusing us with my heavy drinking and excuses. Naturally the timing and circumstances had to be right. Mind you she's a wonderfully strong and loving person that very well could have justifiably left me years ago but was hard-headed enough to keep trying to help me. I've always loved her dearly but didn't see how much I had let go down the tubes until I woke up recently and started to feel like a real husband again.
relationships are complex but the "manhole lid" on the problem has to be lifted by him.
best of luck Wounded

[southernbelle47]

How do i understand?

Dear Wounded,

All of these post are good. It is his problem and you can't "fix" him.
I've just finished a book called "Freedom From Addiction", by Neil T Anderson.. The first half of the book is the story of Mike and Julia Quarles struggle with his drinking. He was , like your hubby a successful business man. It tells his story then she tells what she went through. I think you will idenify with her. This book is unusual in that you get to hear BOTH takes on what is going on and what had to happen for them to be healed.
She did finally tell him he had to leave before he could get to the end of himself and what he could control and change.
God bless you and yours with Peace and protection is this time of need.

Nancy:l

[wounded healer]

How do i understand?

Thankyou so much for your replies, and even for reading. All your words make great sense, but telling myself what i already know is too easy to ignore, it really helps to read it from others who have been here.
I'm not yet ready for a trial seperation, you got it in one.. too depressed to move an inch. I have, on occasions sat here with the wine, or the southern comfort, and made an attempt to dull the pain that way. But feeling so ill next day, or sooner stops that, and i don't drink generally. Must be over a year now.

I would be interested in reading the book Nancy describes, so will search amazon shortly.

And 'Determinator' thanx too for your words, it is comforting to hear that you recognised your wife's pain, and are courageous and caring enough to tell me.

'Dr Jeckle' works away during the week, 'Mr Hyde' returns Thursday.

Thankyou again, all of you.

[InnerStrength]

How do i understand?

Oh dear Wounded healer
I feel the pain in your post.
Though I dont know what you are going through personally and wont pretend to know, i wanted to just offer a note of support. I know I have put my hubby (and my family etc.) through hell before I decided to try to get control of this thing. I am very lucky my husband didnt leave me and sounds like your husband is lucky too. But dont let him break your spirit.
I wish you the very best. Do you think he might be interested in this site? Has he ever expressed any interested in stopping or getting control of his drinking?
All of the best,
Jen

[Guest]

How do i understand?

Husband

Dear Woundedhealer,
I joined a thread here: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f3...html#post62995

I am a husband, the abuer.
I feel like I have totally let my wife down, and totally beleive she was right to leave me, if she hadn't I'd be suffering an allmighty hangover from Friday night and poss last night this morning.
As it is, she left me last Wednesday.
Like a lost soul I have totally analysed what the hell I am doing to us, and I am really greatful for this website. I was still kidding myself until I read other peoples thoughts similar to mine and read the other halfs stories of woe.

On Tuesday this week 17th Oct 2006, I virtually killed out relationship.
I didn't remember - I woke up next to her and said I'd had the worst dream. Then she told me. This was worse than a nightmare. I had abused her in a violent verbal manner, in the pub, infront of her friends and colleagues, refused a lift home from her, and walked the 3 miles home blaming her. I got home to find her there and verbally abused her some more, so bad she made a recording on her mobile - which really hit home when she played it back the next day. Then I proceeded to trash the garden. I am very ashamed about that night and the past 2 years, which is when my drinking has been at my worst in my entire life.

What I am driving at is that if she had stayed, I would not have taken such a brutal look at myself. I am determined to win her back

What I am saying is that this is from the heart - he will not change or even recognise his problem unless you take a drastic measure. Maybe mover to a hotel for a few nights first? Mayne go to family anf friends, they will not judge you. They WILL judge him, and however you cut that particular cake, HE has done it, not you.

You just need to decide whether he is worth it or not. Do you cut and run (potentially in his hour of need) or do you stick it out and move away for a little while? Whatever you do, if you move out, DONT tell him it is temporary, but DO tell him you might come back if he sorts himself out. Remember he needs a moticator - if Vicki had told me she was gone for good, I would have hit the bottle way way harder, as there would have been no reason not to.

We all get married for what we see as the right reason - love. I still love my wife, and she still loves me. I won't go into detail but a dear friend of mine died about 2 years ago suddenly and painfully of cancer. This is when I started developing a twisted view of life, and started hating.

I am proud of my wife and I'd like to share our wedding with you if I may: one2one photography

I hope this makes sense.
Good luck.
Andy

[Guest]

How do i understand?

I need advice

My husband is an alcoholic, i feel alone i get no attention, i feel like i might aswell not be there, only for my children. Its them that keep me going.He gave up drinking 7 months ago but he has had a few slips. he wants to be praised for giving up, i am so glad he did give up however i thought things would change. Now hes feeling sorry for himself and is being selfish. He never has any time for me and the children, if its not one thing for himself its another thing for himself. I miss the person i met all them years ago,i feel empty,lonely, upset, full of tears, i feel like i am suffering for his mistake, it should'nt be that way. Me and my children have done nothing wrong. I love him more than anything in the world, but i'm frightened of how he makes me feel towards him.

thanks for listening

Love Heartbroken xxx

[Guest]

How do i understand?

Selfish hubby

Dear Heartbroken,
I am sorry for you and your family.
It sounds like he gave up, because it was what you wanted?
If he did that it would explain his behaviour towards you all now.

I came home too early from a split with my wife earlier this year - we had issues unresolved and it has now escalated.

I am the drinker (now ex) and it was I making all the mistakes and making her life hell.

After our recent blowup - you can see by clicking this link: (https://www.mywayout.org/community/f3...html#post62995)

I have come to realise that it is mostly me that needs to stop and think about what I am doing.
My wife is entirely blameless for my actions but not entirely blameless for the motivation behind it-she was starting to lead a single life partly because I worked away a lot, partly because I wasn't interested int eh same things as her, and partly because she has never really wanted to let go entirely of her single life in our home town.
That said, I am ready to change, and change is what I am doing, as an intelligent adult of 37 years I decided it's time to get a grip.
It's going to be a long and hard road to win back my wife, and I am determined to succeed, both with winning her back and making us stronger.
Now, the point I am badly trying to make is that he will not change unless he sees that he needs to, or it is in his best interest to - two very powerful motivators.
You need to make him see what he is doing to you all, and if he wont see, then remove yourself - or him - from the family home for a while, until things look ok again.
My wife has left me - and along with a few other things this has really kicked me into touch. Perhaps recording him bleating on about how well he is doing, and then recording him when he is drunk, and playing them back to him after, will work - it did the trick for me!
Vicki played a recording of me verbally abusing her when I was drunk, and I was immediately ashamed of what I had become.

I wish you well

Andy

[Guest]

How do i understand?

Thank You

Thank you Andyuk, I do appreciate you advice, Hope things work out for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, thanks for taking the time out to reply to me. Anyone with good advice ? I would love to hear it. Take good care of yourselves. Thanks again Andyuk.


Love Heartbroken x

[Fed up!!]

How do i understand?

Hi all I have got no personal experience of this situation. I am not married or even in a steady relationship at the present time. The only thing I can say is that nobody else is to blame for my drinking and it is the same for everyone. We all make our own choices and u should not feel that it is yr fault for his problem, it is his own issues. I am sure he loves u greatly. Andy so sorry to hear about your situation but sounds as though it was the wake up call that u needed so therefore is a good thing. We all need that "moment" to finally wake up and admit to our problems. Good luck with winning her back. Have not checked out the wedding yet but will do!