ambivalence
One entry found for ambivalence
Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)
b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow
You know, for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t quit drinking in spite of my best efforts. I recognized I had a problem. I was even willing to admit that I was an alcoholic. I could understand, at least on an intellectual level, that alcohol was ruining me. I knew I needed to stop drinking, and I desperately wanted to. Yet a few days into abstinence, I would inevitably change my mind. The cycle repeated itself over and over, ad nauseum.
Now I realize that a good deal of that had to do with my brain’s wiring. It has something to do with dopamine, and with amino acids and deficiencies of magnesium and other important minerals and vitamins. My body was craving alcohol, so of course after a few days, I couldn’t stand it any more and I gave in. So there was a real physical component to the cycle.
I also realize that I had grown accustomed to using alcohol as my way of coping – no, make that NOT coping – with the world, with my emotions, with life itself. It was my way of escaping reality. So there was a real psychological component to the cycle.
But there is another spoke to this wheel here. The truth – and this is not something I like to admit – is that I still wanted to drink. Even though it made me miserable, even though I knew it was killing me, even though it threatened to take away everything in life that I held dear, alcohol was still precious to me. I was of two minds about alcohol. I both loved it and hated it. I was ambivalent.
This is an especially miserable kind of torture, if you ask me. You love something so much that you are unwilling to give it up. Yet you hate it at the same time because it is making your life a living hell. You are aware that this dichotomy exists and it makes you feel positively schizophrenic. You begin to wonder if you have any kind of will or backbone at all. Or are you just plain crazy?
No, you’re not crazy, you’re just ambivalent. You are of two minds about something. That is what makes quitting drinking so hard. When you are able to tip the scales in favor of abstinence, and make that decision firmly – then it becomes much less of a struggle. It’s a relief, really. Like the struggle just washes away.
That’s not to say that there aren’t hard times. That’s not to say that the ambivalence doesn’t creep back in. It most certainly does. I see it as my job to keep stacking bricks on the scales on the side of sobriety, so that my decision can stay firm. My bricks are the same as my tools: supplements, Topamax, hypnotherapy, discussion board, occasional AA meetings, etc. There are natural forces, beyond my control, stacking bricks on the other side of the scale. It’s up to me to keep things working in my favor. Once the scales are tipped on my side, it’s not so hard to keep them there – it’s maintenance. The hardest part is tipping them in the first place. It took me a VERY long time to realize the choice was mine – and that’s all it took, making the choice. Of course the danger is always there that I could choose to go the opposite direction. God, I hope I don’t.
So that’s the topic for the day. Ambivalence. Where is the balance of your scales today? And what can you do to tip them in favor of abstinence?
One entry found for ambivalence
Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)
b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow
You know, for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t quit drinking in spite of my best efforts. I recognized I had a problem. I was even willing to admit that I was an alcoholic. I could understand, at least on an intellectual level, that alcohol was ruining me. I knew I needed to stop drinking, and I desperately wanted to. Yet a few days into abstinence, I would inevitably change my mind. The cycle repeated itself over and over, ad nauseum.
Now I realize that a good deal of that had to do with my brain’s wiring. It has something to do with dopamine, and with amino acids and deficiencies of magnesium and other important minerals and vitamins. My body was craving alcohol, so of course after a few days, I couldn’t stand it any more and I gave in. So there was a real physical component to the cycle.
I also realize that I had grown accustomed to using alcohol as my way of coping – no, make that NOT coping – with the world, with my emotions, with life itself. It was my way of escaping reality. So there was a real psychological component to the cycle.
But there is another spoke to this wheel here. The truth – and this is not something I like to admit – is that I still wanted to drink. Even though it made me miserable, even though I knew it was killing me, even though it threatened to take away everything in life that I held dear, alcohol was still precious to me. I was of two minds about alcohol. I both loved it and hated it. I was ambivalent.
This is an especially miserable kind of torture, if you ask me. You love something so much that you are unwilling to give it up. Yet you hate it at the same time because it is making your life a living hell. You are aware that this dichotomy exists and it makes you feel positively schizophrenic. You begin to wonder if you have any kind of will or backbone at all. Or are you just plain crazy?
No, you’re not crazy, you’re just ambivalent. You are of two minds about something. That is what makes quitting drinking so hard. When you are able to tip the scales in favor of abstinence, and make that decision firmly – then it becomes much less of a struggle. It’s a relief, really. Like the struggle just washes away.
That’s not to say that there aren’t hard times. That’s not to say that the ambivalence doesn’t creep back in. It most certainly does. I see it as my job to keep stacking bricks on the scales on the side of sobriety, so that my decision can stay firm. My bricks are the same as my tools: supplements, Topamax, hypnotherapy, discussion board, occasional AA meetings, etc. There are natural forces, beyond my control, stacking bricks on the other side of the scale. It’s up to me to keep things working in my favor. Once the scales are tipped on my side, it’s not so hard to keep them there – it’s maintenance. The hardest part is tipping them in the first place. It took me a VERY long time to realize the choice was mine – and that’s all it took, making the choice. Of course the danger is always there that I could choose to go the opposite direction. God, I hope I don’t.
So that’s the topic for the day. Ambivalence. Where is the balance of your scales today? And what can you do to tip them in favor of abstinence?
Comment