All my relationships in the past (bar one) have always come about through a sexual experience that's lead into trying to form, very unsuccessfully might I add, a relationship around. Of course non of them have survived, due to this, and more importantly because I used relationships to make me feel complete and whole in the first place.
Of course, there were many periods of complete abstinence from relationships due my lack of being abstinent from drugs and alcohol. I certainly wasn't the most popular guy you'd want to take home from the pub after a skin full of ale and a shed load of drugs.
I found myself recently though getting honest with a female friend with whom I've had a lot of contact with over the past 16 months of sobriety. I'd invested a lot of myself into the friendship recently though under the illusion that there was a relationship in the making.
This was very unlike any of my previous relationships where a good solid friendship was the foundations on which to grow. I had maintained some sort of independence, as had she, and this was mutually beneficial to us both (especially me!). My thinking was, I guess, that this is the kind of relationship I want to be in; in respect of it being less co-dependent and more interdependent.
Yet a few days ago the illusion was shattered when I was told I was seen more as a brother to her. It kind of knocked me for six to be honest. I've known how I've felt about her for some time now. Yet I wanted to be sure I was not making the same mistakes I'd made in the past. I didn't go out looking for a relationship and I cannot help the way i feel about someone. I felt very connected to her spiritually in a way that I could see the child like innocence in her. I could love all the imperfections about her, most of all her aloofness at times. She was real and true to herself.
Yet rather than tell her how I felt months ago I waited till the illusion I had built up was in jeopardy that I had to reveal my true feelings.
I'm now finding it hard to pull back from this at the moment and I'm in a process of feeling relief, at the fact I finally expressed how I feel, and immense sadness at the reality of it all. I certainly don't want to lose such a close friend but re-investing my feelings differently in this is not going to be easy.
I know I want to try and convince her otherwise and that she's got it all wrong and that we'd make a great couple. After all that's how it's felt these past 6 months. We've done everything couples do apart from be physically intimate with one another. There's all those other attributes that make up a solid relationship that are often missing or have not been completely explored to allow the relationship to breath. I've practiced to the best of my ability the things I have learned through AA. I've been aware of my behaviour at times when I've known it to be self seeking and self serving. I've tried hard to nurture my spiritual connection and in doing so extend that to selflessly nurturing her needs too.
I know I want to put blame on someone or something; anything but me for allowing the illusion to become MY reality. I know I should allow myself the space to really feel the sadness right now, even if that means shedding a tear or two. But my pride and ego won't allow that.
I guess the positive side to this is that maybe when the time is right I will be open to the 'right' woman as my feelings are not going to be invested in someone that, just maybe, wasn't right for me in the first place. I don't want that to sound bitter either as it's not. It's only through having my spiritual beliefs that I know this is not meant to be my path in life right now. There is great strength in knowing that which will enable me to grow.
Many Blessings
Phil
xx
Of course, there were many periods of complete abstinence from relationships due my lack of being abstinent from drugs and alcohol. I certainly wasn't the most popular guy you'd want to take home from the pub after a skin full of ale and a shed load of drugs.
I found myself recently though getting honest with a female friend with whom I've had a lot of contact with over the past 16 months of sobriety. I'd invested a lot of myself into the friendship recently though under the illusion that there was a relationship in the making.
This was very unlike any of my previous relationships where a good solid friendship was the foundations on which to grow. I had maintained some sort of independence, as had she, and this was mutually beneficial to us both (especially me!). My thinking was, I guess, that this is the kind of relationship I want to be in; in respect of it being less co-dependent and more interdependent.
Yet a few days ago the illusion was shattered when I was told I was seen more as a brother to her. It kind of knocked me for six to be honest. I've known how I've felt about her for some time now. Yet I wanted to be sure I was not making the same mistakes I'd made in the past. I didn't go out looking for a relationship and I cannot help the way i feel about someone. I felt very connected to her spiritually in a way that I could see the child like innocence in her. I could love all the imperfections about her, most of all her aloofness at times. She was real and true to herself.
Yet rather than tell her how I felt months ago I waited till the illusion I had built up was in jeopardy that I had to reveal my true feelings.
I'm now finding it hard to pull back from this at the moment and I'm in a process of feeling relief, at the fact I finally expressed how I feel, and immense sadness at the reality of it all. I certainly don't want to lose such a close friend but re-investing my feelings differently in this is not going to be easy.
I know I want to try and convince her otherwise and that she's got it all wrong and that we'd make a great couple. After all that's how it's felt these past 6 months. We've done everything couples do apart from be physically intimate with one another. There's all those other attributes that make up a solid relationship that are often missing or have not been completely explored to allow the relationship to breath. I've practiced to the best of my ability the things I have learned through AA. I've been aware of my behaviour at times when I've known it to be self seeking and self serving. I've tried hard to nurture my spiritual connection and in doing so extend that to selflessly nurturing her needs too.
I know I want to put blame on someone or something; anything but me for allowing the illusion to become MY reality. I know I should allow myself the space to really feel the sadness right now, even if that means shedding a tear or two. But my pride and ego won't allow that.
I guess the positive side to this is that maybe when the time is right I will be open to the 'right' woman as my feelings are not going to be invested in someone that, just maybe, wasn't right for me in the first place. I don't want that to sound bitter either as it's not. It's only through having my spiritual beliefs that I know this is not meant to be my path in life right now. There is great strength in knowing that which will enable me to grow.
Many Blessings
Phil
xx
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