PDA

View Full Version : RELATIONSHIPS in SOBRIETY



hippie37
May 20th, 2010, 07:43 AM
All my relationships in the past (bar one) have always come about through a sexual experience that's lead into trying to form, very unsuccessfully might I add, a relationship around. Of course non of them have survived, due to this, and more importantly because I used relationships to make me feel complete and whole in the first place.

Of course, there were many periods of complete abstinence from relationships due my lack of being abstinent from drugs and alcohol. I certainly wasn't the most popular guy you'd want to take home from the pub after a skin full of ale and a shed load of drugs.

I found myself recently though getting honest with a female friend with whom I've had a lot of contact with over the past 16 months of sobriety. I'd invested a lot of myself into the friendship recently though under the illusion that there was a relationship in the making.

This was very unlike any of my previous relationships where a good solid friendship was the foundations on which to grow. I had maintained some sort of independence, as had she, and this was mutually beneficial to us both (especially me!). My thinking was, I guess, that this is the kind of relationship I want to be in; in respect of it being less co-dependent and more interdependent.

Yet a few days ago the illusion was shattered when I was told I was seen more as a brother to her. It kind of knocked me for six to be honest. I've known how I've felt about her for some time now. Yet I wanted to be sure I was not making the same mistakes I'd made in the past. I didn't go out looking for a relationship and I cannot help the way i feel about someone. I felt very connected to her spiritually in a way that I could see the child like innocence in her. I could love all the imperfections about her, most of all her aloofness at times. She was real and true to herself.

Yet rather than tell her how I felt months ago I waited till the illusion I had built up was in jeopardy that I had to reveal my true feelings.

I'm now finding it hard to pull back from this at the moment and I'm in a process of feeling relief, at the fact I finally expressed how I feel, and immense sadness at the reality of it all. I certainly don't want to lose such a close friend but re-investing my feelings differently in this is not going to be easy.

I know I want to try and convince her otherwise and that she's got it all wrong and that we'd make a great couple. After all that's how it's felt these past 6 months. We've done everything couples do apart from be physically intimate with one another. There's all those other attributes that make up a solid relationship that are often missing or have not been completely explored to allow the relationship to breath. I've practiced to the best of my ability the things I have learned through AA. I've been aware of my behaviour at times when I've known it to be self seeking and self serving. I've tried hard to nurture my spiritual connection and in doing so extend that to selflessly nurturing her needs too.

I know I want to put blame on someone or something; anything but me for allowing the illusion to become MY reality. I know I should allow myself the space to really feel the sadness right now, even if that means shedding a tear or two. But my pride and ego won't allow that.

I guess the positive side to this is that maybe when the time is right I will be open to the 'right' woman as my feelings are not going to be invested in someone that, just maybe, wasn't right for me in the first place. I don't want that to sound bitter either as it's not. It's only through having my spiritual beliefs that I know this is not meant to be my path in life right now. There is great strength in knowing that which will enable me to grow.

Many Blessings
Phil
xx

catch22
May 21st, 2010, 06:48 AM
Oh Hippie, You have come a very long way , you have grown up into a very fine decent man indeed. You amaze me you keep on growing all the time.
Maybe you should of told her a few months ago our you really felt about your feeling.
But then reading your last paragraph, makes a lot of sense phil,

Sending you a big :l from me.

Cinders
May 21st, 2010, 07:13 AM
Phil,

Yes. You are growing everyday into someone I admire even more than I did before. And that was a lot to begin with!!

I very much understand the sentiment:


I'm now finding it hard to pull back from this at the moment and I'm in a process of feeling relief, at the fact I finally expressed how I feel, and immense sadness at the reality of it all. I certainly don't want to lose such a close friend but re-investing my feelings differently in this is not going to be easy.
No matter what happens in life, loving someone is a good thing. Even if it is not returned the way you would wish.

I remember when I was a youngster, my brother had a friend who would come to visit. He was a very nice young man. He even spent time with his friend's younger sister. One time he told me "Cindi, love is difficult. There are no guarantees that someone you love will love you in return." He was speaking about the whole package, sexual, emotional, commitment. But, he also told me that "Loving someone is never bad. It might hurt sometimes but it is always good to love."

Life will give you the love of your life one of these days when you are truly ready and so is she. I believe that sincerely.

You are on the right path in your life now. You are thinking of others and understanding that it is not "all about me." This is a huge step for us addicts.

Love you as always,
Cindi

Rusty
May 21st, 2010, 02:58 PM
Hippy,

If I lived in the UK and knew where you lived, I wouldn't let you say "no" to me! :H:H:H

Rusty
Single White Female

Seriously, your thoughts are so honest and admirable, if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, given your intelligence and sobriety, someone else will soon come along....and we will all be rootin' for you! :)

Doggygirl
May 23rd, 2010, 11:28 AM
Aw Hippie. I agree with the others who expressed admiration about your obvious growth as a person in sobriety.

I can see the hurt in your post that your friend does not return your love in exactly the way you had hoped. She sounds like a wonderful human being, and my wish for you is that someday, you might see the way she DOES love you (as a brother) to be a blessing in your life. (I'm sure you see that on some level now....but hopefully that feeling will grow as you move past the hurt)

I do believe there is an amazing relationship in your future. Probably something beyond your wildest imagination of today.

DG

tlrgs
May 23rd, 2010, 12:19 PM
no worries buddy dont go looking.. enjoy what you are right now and just keep going the way you are .. everything in time unfolds... the life you want is nearer then you think .. just stop and dont look for it it will find you ...and hey we all need good bro's and sis's all the same ..

Brave Hearted
May 24th, 2010, 06:03 PM
Hi Hippie I have never dropped into this room before but I did tonight and read your post . Sending you a big hug, love can hurt but as Cinders say the capacity to love is a wonderful thing, enbrace it and I am sure love will find its way too you in time ! And reading all the replies from your friends you seem to have a whole wagon load of love from your virtual friends. And how comes this is susposed to be a guys forum but you have all the girls givng you advice ??? except for tlrgs of course !

Oh and Rusty, I do live in the UK and know where he lives (Liverpool not his street lol) you are welcome to come and stop and track him down !

Keep strong BH

hart
May 26th, 2010, 06:01 PM
((((Phil)))))

I don't want to get your hopes up, but I know of a couple wherein he wanted more she didn't, she said she felt like what your friend said, that he was like a brother to her. Then when he reluctantly started dating others....suddenly she realized she didn't feel like a sister to him. They've been married 10 years and are very happy.

I'm not saying that's what will happen in your case, but no matter what look at the great friendship you do have with her....that is not wasted.

You know with all the various factors involved and how much more picky we get as we get older it's a wonder as many happy couple exist as that do ;)

boycie
June 1st, 2010, 05:45 AM
it is true don't go looking and it finds you...just when you least expect it...hang in there and enjoy what comes your way

Guitarista
June 1st, 2010, 05:57 AM
How are you going there Phil?
Hang in there buddy, you're rockin it.

Greg.

K9Lover
June 1st, 2010, 07:30 PM
I've never had a sober relationship....wow, that's a pretty sad statement, and I'd never really thought about it that way before. :ouch:

TRUCKER123
August 29th, 2010, 08:20 AM
Hey gary321 I take it your refering to my post of a babe driving on the autobahn 8-21-10 A ferrari f360 how they get us exicited,If you and your gf/wife to be think im a perv may i suggest you both seek out help/counseling! Trucker123 btw sounds to me that she still doesn't trust you from your past liaison's how in the hell would this video showing the awsome performace of a car and woman make me a perv..your freaking jerk! Trucker123

dorramide7
October 25th, 2010, 01:26 AM
tlrgs;865587 wrote: no worries buddy dont go looking.. enjoy what you are right now and just keep going the way you are .. everything in time unfolds... the life you want is nearer then you think .. just stop and dont look for it it will find you ...and hey we all need good bro's and sis's all the same ..
Hi Hippie I have never dropped into this room before but I did tonight and read your post . Sending you a big hug, love can hurt but as Cinders say the capacity to love is a wonderful thing, enbrace it and I am sure love will find its way too you in time ! And reading all the replies from your friends you seem to have a whole wagon load of love from your virtual friends. And how comes this is susposed to be a guys forum but you have all the girls givng you advice ??? except for tlrgs of course !

Oh and Rusty, I do live in the UK and know where he lives (Liverpool not his street lol) you are welcome to come and stop and track him down !

Keep strong BH

bwendo
July 30th, 2011, 04:21 AM
It's like you finally get yourself together and are ready to plunge into a relationship and the only thing is she's not ready...

Give it time, she might just need some time to think it through...

I remember this girl, finally slept with her finally after weeks of dating, then she goes and dumps me...

What the? But I played it cool and we've been married six years in Sept.

So it is not over yet, she is just testing your patience.

On.Bac
July 2nd, 2013, 12:23 AM
All my relationships were started with alcohol or drugs, since we're being honest. I have an anxiety disorder that won't allow it any other way, until i found baclofen, which is still cheating in my eyes.

I'm down to 15mg baclofen and have been doing good sober, going to church, wanting to life without any substance and just be myself. I feel hopeless about starting a relationship with someone at this point. There is a girl at church i like, but i can't get the guts up to ask her.

In the past, i've been "friend-zoned" so many times because all i could do was ask a girl to hangout, and waited way too long to express my feelings. One time i worked with a girl and i wasn't on alcohol, she wanted me to get drunk, we smoked pot together all the time. After a year of friendship and a little alcohol we kissed. I wasn't drinking at that time or doing anything other than pot, so i had tons of anxiety. I couldn't tell her how i felt. We dated for 2 months before we had sex. I suck as a human being in general, i won't lie, i'm way too shy.

So, I, of all people know how you can fall in love with a friend and want there to be a relationship and then feel humiliated when they go "eww" i think of you as a brother. If you got her drunk she might change her mind, not suggesting, just saying it did work for me. This is NOT the thing to do. I was just kidding.

I find it odd how men can develop a friendship with a girl that holds all the attributes of a relationship, being their for them, talking about anything, doing things together, yet she goes off and has sex with a guy she doesn't even really "know". I think the friend-zone crap is something I'll never understand. Why can't we get to know someone for a long period of time and be friends and then become more than that. Why do we have to express our feelings within a week, when we don't even know the person. It seems it would work much better the other way around.

I think sex is what motivates this reaction. I think women believe it would be uncomfortable to have sex with someone they have been friends with for a long time. Would some woman please elaborate why there is a friend zone and why relationships can't happen once we get put in it? I don't think men "friend-zone" women and would reject the idea of a relationship with someone they care about. I know a lot of men would love relationships with one of their friends but are too scared to ask. Which btw, i give this guy kudos for and share his sorrow. I'm generally not good at empathy, but i have been there so many times.

I've tried and tried to start relationships by making friends with a girl so i could get to know her. It's always upfront, kiss, sex, boyfriend or nothing and i just don't like that. I haven't had that many sexual partners to begin with, very few to be honest (anxiety) and i need to know how i can get to know a girl and tell her how i feel without jumping in bed the first week or month even. I know I'm weird.

There's a girl out there for both of us man and it'll make post like this seem so silly once we find her. One day these thoughts will be long forgotten. I want a girl thats my best friend, i was in that relationship for 4 years, and it was probably the best one i've had. It also hurt the most, over 5 years total knowing each other and then lost her completely from my life. (i couldn't work due to anxiety and she wasn't supporting a bum) which i understand... i don't mind humility, it's the best form of honesty.