As many of you know, I have set my goals and things are going great for me. But the other day when I was having cocktails with my Dad, I drank one more than I had alotted myself (though I met my goal for the day). I was really angry at myself because one of my goals is not to have a brain-altering experience (high) while I am drinking. I began to analyze my relationship with my father and why I would break my rule when I am with him. I have also noticed that when I am with certain people I want a drink and with others I want to stay away from drinking. Why? I believe it is because in some form or another, those around us are co-dependents to developed drinking habits. Some may be willingly pro-active participants, some may be stagnant, doing their best to ignore us, and some may antagonize us, playing an unwilling partner, hoping that their actions will discourage, but actuality makie us want to drink more. And then, of course, there are those that we recognize are innocent by-standers whom we hurt by our drinking -- and they unknowingly make us feel guilty and low in self-esteem by just loving us no matter what (such as children).
I believe that in order for me to maintain my goals long-term, it is important for me to analyze each co-dependent and what I need to do in my interaction with them so that I do not lose sight of my goals and do not afford them the opportunity to strip my of my success. It is ultimately my responsibility to look into the abyss and like what I see looking back. It is not they who must change, but me, I must change to prompt different responses from them.
One of the most influential persons that prompts me to drink is my father. He is probably the most dangerous risk for me in my attempts to control my drinking. My father has been drinking all of my life. But when he retired in 1994, his drinking increased. I am very close to my father, but in 1994, I almost walked away from him and never spoke to him again. He had a heart attack. They put a stint in him and told him if kept smoking and drinking, it would kill him. And with no pretense at all, he refused. I was so upset with him, I cannot express my anger in words. My father was physically abusive when I was growing up, but back then, they called it being strict. Later, during a law school internship when I prosecuted sex crimes in children (mostly from families), I realized I had it pretty good! Over the years, my father and I became extremely close. And I couldn't believe that he would so selfishly be a willing participant in cutting his life short. I sort of understood it in my mind, but my heart was aching. I had some exposure to the problem. I belong to a flying club with a bunch of guys (I'm the only girl) where we do aerobatic flying of antique aircraft. One of the guys there was having serious problems because of smoking. They told him if he didn't quit, he would lose his leg -- and you know what, he lost his leg. So we all had to take him as a passenger. They told him if he didn't stop, he would lose the other leg -- he lost the other leg. Some of the guys revamped one of the plans so that he could fly without legs, but eventually he lost his life. So, I was dealing with him and my father, and I was really angry (I drank at that time, but only a shared bottle at dinner and a little at parties). I had made up my mind, I was never going to see him again. I was not going to watch him kill himself piece by piece. But he called me crying and asked me not to step out of his life. My father never cried, and despite how strict he was when I was a child, he always made it clear that he loved us. I couldn't do it, I couldn't walk away. Later, when my business collapsed, my father and mother was right there by my side. My father used to be a union rep and had a lot of contract knowledge. We would sit and drink together, while he would listen to me read and edit my papers. He had great input. I actually write better pleadings when I'm drunk, so I would drink a five liter box every other day with him. Well, I recovered and my drinking slowed. Now, as you know, I'm staying sober. It is really hard to be sober around my father -- he is actually hard to take when your sober and he isn't. But, he has been a loving father and a close personal friend for so long. And its not like he pushes me to drink. He doesn't There is no way I'm going to walk out on him because I'm too weak to get a grip. My father is falling apart. He drinks 13 beers a day, 3 packs of cigarettes. He has had two heart attacks, two strokes, and continually gets bladder cancer removal surgery because it keeps coming back from the smoking. He has emphazema so bad, he passes out from coughing. They don't think he will last another year. I want to spend that year with him. But I need to figure out a way to do that without drinking excessively when I'm with him.
The other day I tried by meeting him at a restaurant for cocktails. I don't go in their house anymore because I am allergic to cigarettes. But, I sit on their porch or they sit on mine. Before I started this program, I would meet with him and drink a bottle or two. So, I thought meeting him at a restaurant would be a good idea so I wouldn't drink so much. But I drank three instead of two. I had a great time with him, but I was angry with myself that I had that extra one. Later in the evening I recouped and actually had less than I had alloted myself for the day. But I now know I'm going to have to really be on my guard when I meet with my Dad.
So that is one of my co-dependents. I am going to stop here because you are all probably asleep or wisely skipped over to the next reading. Sorry to take up so much space. This is probably not something you needed to hear, but it is definitely something I needed to say. It really helped me a lot to express it. I think I can now move on to the next level on this matter. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME DO SO.:thanks: :happy:
MM
I believe that in order for me to maintain my goals long-term, it is important for me to analyze each co-dependent and what I need to do in my interaction with them so that I do not lose sight of my goals and do not afford them the opportunity to strip my of my success. It is ultimately my responsibility to look into the abyss and like what I see looking back. It is not they who must change, but me, I must change to prompt different responses from them.
One of the most influential persons that prompts me to drink is my father. He is probably the most dangerous risk for me in my attempts to control my drinking. My father has been drinking all of my life. But when he retired in 1994, his drinking increased. I am very close to my father, but in 1994, I almost walked away from him and never spoke to him again. He had a heart attack. They put a stint in him and told him if kept smoking and drinking, it would kill him. And with no pretense at all, he refused. I was so upset with him, I cannot express my anger in words. My father was physically abusive when I was growing up, but back then, they called it being strict. Later, during a law school internship when I prosecuted sex crimes in children (mostly from families), I realized I had it pretty good! Over the years, my father and I became extremely close. And I couldn't believe that he would so selfishly be a willing participant in cutting his life short. I sort of understood it in my mind, but my heart was aching. I had some exposure to the problem. I belong to a flying club with a bunch of guys (I'm the only girl) where we do aerobatic flying of antique aircraft. One of the guys there was having serious problems because of smoking. They told him if he didn't quit, he would lose his leg -- and you know what, he lost his leg. So we all had to take him as a passenger. They told him if he didn't stop, he would lose the other leg -- he lost the other leg. Some of the guys revamped one of the plans so that he could fly without legs, but eventually he lost his life. So, I was dealing with him and my father, and I was really angry (I drank at that time, but only a shared bottle at dinner and a little at parties). I had made up my mind, I was never going to see him again. I was not going to watch him kill himself piece by piece. But he called me crying and asked me not to step out of his life. My father never cried, and despite how strict he was when I was a child, he always made it clear that he loved us. I couldn't do it, I couldn't walk away. Later, when my business collapsed, my father and mother was right there by my side. My father used to be a union rep and had a lot of contract knowledge. We would sit and drink together, while he would listen to me read and edit my papers. He had great input. I actually write better pleadings when I'm drunk, so I would drink a five liter box every other day with him. Well, I recovered and my drinking slowed. Now, as you know, I'm staying sober. It is really hard to be sober around my father -- he is actually hard to take when your sober and he isn't. But, he has been a loving father and a close personal friend for so long. And its not like he pushes me to drink. He doesn't There is no way I'm going to walk out on him because I'm too weak to get a grip. My father is falling apart. He drinks 13 beers a day, 3 packs of cigarettes. He has had two heart attacks, two strokes, and continually gets bladder cancer removal surgery because it keeps coming back from the smoking. He has emphazema so bad, he passes out from coughing. They don't think he will last another year. I want to spend that year with him. But I need to figure out a way to do that without drinking excessively when I'm with him.
The other day I tried by meeting him at a restaurant for cocktails. I don't go in their house anymore because I am allergic to cigarettes. But, I sit on their porch or they sit on mine. Before I started this program, I would meet with him and drink a bottle or two. So, I thought meeting him at a restaurant would be a good idea so I wouldn't drink so much. But I drank three instead of two. I had a great time with him, but I was angry with myself that I had that extra one. Later in the evening I recouped and actually had less than I had alloted myself for the day. But I now know I'm going to have to really be on my guard when I meet with my Dad.
So that is one of my co-dependents. I am going to stop here because you are all probably asleep or wisely skipped over to the next reading. Sorry to take up so much space. This is probably not something you needed to hear, but it is definitely something I needed to say. It really helped me a lot to express it. I think I can now move on to the next level on this matter. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME DO SO.:thanks: :happy:
MM
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