This post is spurred by Neil's post and the Orange Papers thread. Both got me thinking about a lot of things--and why this time getting sober feels so different than the first time I did it for 9 months and relapsed. Most of you know that I am getting sober using AA. I tried just about everything else in between those 2 times. So whats different this time? Why do I feel different this time--why is it so much easier this time? This is not meant to "convert" anyone. Its just me typing out my thoughts--mostly for myself. What makes this time different is that even though I read the BB before--this time I really read what it actually said. The first time around I would read things that weren't there, meaning that I let a lot of the misconceptions about the actual program slip in--when they weren't even written there. And even some of the old timers in AA think that they are actually in there, but imagine my surprise in this go around to be searching the BB and those things are not in there. Just some examples:
AA is the only way. It does not say that. It says "this is how we did it"--it never says that this is the only way--its the only thing they found that worked for them.
Its an allergy. It actually says "its like an allergy"--which means to me I should stay the hell away from it--which I agree.
It is like diabetes. What it actually means is that people who have diabetes need to do certain things everyday to keep themselves well. I need to do certain things every day to stay well. When I don't I don't feel well--even if it is all mental.
Its a disease. They do say this--but who am I to argue with the Amercian Medical Association--I would guess that the board that decided that has many more qualification than I do to determine that. I also looked "disease" up in the dictionary. It says that a disease can be recognized by signs and symptoms--I had all the signs and symptoms.
It does not say that I am powerless over everything. It says that I am powerless over alcohol. To me that now means that if I started out with a drink--once it got inside of me--there were many nights it took me to places I never intended to go--even if I never left the kitchen.
AA gives me a set of tools and people to rely on so that I don't need a drink. My last craving--which was all mental was over 60 days ago. In that time I have not seen alcohol as a tool to use regardless of the situation--that is a miracle.
The religous aspect. I have found that most of the successes of AA fell into one of the 3 following categories:
1) Did not believe in a Higher Power
2) Did not like a Higher Power
3) Did not think a Higher Power would do crap for them
I fell into category 3. My position has since changed because of the evidence I see in those rooms--and in myself.
I used to always feel like my glass was half full--and it had small hole in the bottom and the little bit of esteem or respect I had was slowly draining out. Now, 90% of the time I feel like my glass is over flowing--thank God its not with booze.
One day I whined to someone on this board that I did not want to go because of the high failure rate of AA. I mean what are the odds that I might end up in the 3% that succeed. She told me that she was told that it actually has a 90% success rate if you work the steps. So thanks to her--I went back--I'm working the steps and my life--the one that lives inside of me--has changed and blossomed.
AA, My Way Out, MM, SOS--all have high failure rates with those who dabble. If I walk into AA I have a 3% chance of making it--here because its new I would relate walking into an AA room the same as registering on the site--I would say the failure rate is about the same. With both programs I think to have a fair shot you have to put yourself into doing 90% of the program. The difference for me with AA and My Way Out comes down to the fact that I decided not to take topamax. The side effects RJ talked about--I knew that I would not stay the course on the medication. And I knew I would not take "Smart" pills to counteract the side effects.
Those were the right decisions for me. Now I feel happy and free. With all that being said--it is time for me to exit the boards. I wish everyone the best here--and truly hope everyone gets to place with their drinking that they are happy. For me--I am so much happier without a drink than I ever was with one.
Kim
AA is the only way. It does not say that. It says "this is how we did it"--it never says that this is the only way--its the only thing they found that worked for them.
Its an allergy. It actually says "its like an allergy"--which means to me I should stay the hell away from it--which I agree.
It is like diabetes. What it actually means is that people who have diabetes need to do certain things everyday to keep themselves well. I need to do certain things every day to stay well. When I don't I don't feel well--even if it is all mental.
Its a disease. They do say this--but who am I to argue with the Amercian Medical Association--I would guess that the board that decided that has many more qualification than I do to determine that. I also looked "disease" up in the dictionary. It says that a disease can be recognized by signs and symptoms--I had all the signs and symptoms.
It does not say that I am powerless over everything. It says that I am powerless over alcohol. To me that now means that if I started out with a drink--once it got inside of me--there were many nights it took me to places I never intended to go--even if I never left the kitchen.
AA gives me a set of tools and people to rely on so that I don't need a drink. My last craving--which was all mental was over 60 days ago. In that time I have not seen alcohol as a tool to use regardless of the situation--that is a miracle.
The religous aspect. I have found that most of the successes of AA fell into one of the 3 following categories:
1) Did not believe in a Higher Power
2) Did not like a Higher Power
3) Did not think a Higher Power would do crap for them
I fell into category 3. My position has since changed because of the evidence I see in those rooms--and in myself.
I used to always feel like my glass was half full--and it had small hole in the bottom and the little bit of esteem or respect I had was slowly draining out. Now, 90% of the time I feel like my glass is over flowing--thank God its not with booze.
One day I whined to someone on this board that I did not want to go because of the high failure rate of AA. I mean what are the odds that I might end up in the 3% that succeed. She told me that she was told that it actually has a 90% success rate if you work the steps. So thanks to her--I went back--I'm working the steps and my life--the one that lives inside of me--has changed and blossomed.
AA, My Way Out, MM, SOS--all have high failure rates with those who dabble. If I walk into AA I have a 3% chance of making it--here because its new I would relate walking into an AA room the same as registering on the site--I would say the failure rate is about the same. With both programs I think to have a fair shot you have to put yourself into doing 90% of the program. The difference for me with AA and My Way Out comes down to the fact that I decided not to take topamax. The side effects RJ talked about--I knew that I would not stay the course on the medication. And I knew I would not take "Smart" pills to counteract the side effects.
Those were the right decisions for me. Now I feel happy and free. With all that being said--it is time for me to exit the boards. I wish everyone the best here--and truly hope everyone gets to place with their drinking that they are happy. For me--I am so much happier without a drink than I ever was with one.
Kim
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