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Popeye
November 21st, 2006, 03:19 PM
Most Sunday mornings, usually after a drunken Friday and Saturday, I tell myself in all frankness, That I have had enough; that I don't want to see another bottle of vodka again. Mondays are easy for me. I go to work and go home tired, then go to bed. Tuesdays are not so easy. I sometimes talk myself into going to bed, sometimes I just go to the shop for a bottle. (I'll be OK). Most Wednesdays and Thursdays I can't wait for Friday night when I can relax and drink myself into oblivion until Sunday morning....again.
I very rarely miss a shift at work due to drink, maybe once a year. I need to get out of this cycle for my family and for myself. I am ranting on.

Guest
November 21st, 2006, 04:33 PM
keep ranting

I kept ranting on and have now managed not to drink for nearly seven weeks - don't give up

Popeye
November 22nd, 2006, 02:14 AM
The point that I was making before I went off on a tangent, is how little the promises that I make to myself have been worth. I stopped making promises to other people a lond time ago because I just broke them and let everyone down.
I have been drinking heavily (1-1/12 bottles of vodka a day, sometimes 5 days a week) for at least 15 years. I can't remember how long exactly. I went to AA a few years ago and found the people lovely and supportive, but I couldn't do the face to face thing. The first time I had a drink while I was there, I didn't have the courage to go back and tell them, so I never went back. How weak is that? I don't know if I should stop totally or seriously cut it down. I am not sure if I could stop for ever, but I know I could slow down. I am currently on day 3 of a months abstainance. I have to go to a birthday party on Friday and I know I'll not drink. My wife thinks that I do things back to front; I don't drink when I should - at a party for example - but then I'll go home and get blitzed. I don't know why.
Anyway, I have to go to work now. Thanks for listening. It's good to talk.

Guest
November 22nd, 2006, 04:10 PM
Paul, Don't know if you saw 'raining in my heart on BBC last night but was certainly a wake up call to me. This is a good site to get support and practical advice, keep visiting and pick up on the relevant threads - I'm a fellow Scot and know the culture make stopping even harder 'Disny drink hows that?'

Popeye
November 23rd, 2006, 01:34 AM
Hi there.
I'm still relatively new here but I have to say this site is one of the best things that has happened to me. Reading your stories and receiving such friendly support is a great help. I wish that I could express myself better with the words I write. I can't seem to follow a line of thought for very long when I am writing, before I find myself thinking about something else - perhaps a symptom of the damage I have done to my head.
I have never found it easy to communcate with people but I really want to become a part of this community.My previous posts on this thread haven't really been " my story", more a look at the way things are now, so I shall start from the beginning.
My parents met while serving in the RAF and for the first 7 years of my life we travelled around a lot, though I don't remember much about that. My childhood proper started when they had both left the service, and we settled down in a small house in the middle of nowhere. Dad worked really hard and Mum stayed at home to look after us. ( I am the eldest of four). By the time that I was 12 I was being sent to the local pub, 1 1/2 miles away, during the school holidays, for Cider for my mum. I didn't know what it was at the time. I assumed that it was some sort of soft drink. Anyway shortly after that the trouble started. Mum and Dad separated and we left with mum. After a topsy-turvy few years I was left alone with my mum and a man who was to become very abusive to us both. My brother and sisters went to live with dad. I cannot remember the time-line, but mum drank copious amounts of vodka with her new man and I was left to get on with it, which suited me fine. I left school got a job and got married age 20.-We are still together. Mum and her man continued to drink. They both had several suicide attempts, some of which I was witness to. To cut a long story short, the man drank himself to death and my mother almost did.
Meanwhile my siblings, who I have always loved, were getting educated and doing very well. Iam really proud of them all.
Since I got married 24 years ago, my drinking has increased from "normal", social drinking, to heavy social drinking, to heavy drinking on my own alcoholic sprees and regular trips to oblivion. My wife has been through it all with me and we love each other dearly. My mother cooled down after she found out that she had lung cancer and we got back to a good mother-son relationship before she died 4 years ago. I have always had a good relationship with my dad who I have always seen on a regular basis.
I have never had many friends and I don't really mind that. I am sort of anti-social and I prefer to keep myself to myself and I don't reach out much, but I am delighted to have found this place.
I forgot what it's like to open up Thanks

tawnyfrog
November 23rd, 2006, 02:29 AM
Thanks Paul


paulb wrote:
I have never had many friends and I don't really mind that. I am sort of anti-social and I prefer to keep myself to myself and I don't reach out much, but I am delighted to have found this place.
I forgot what it's like to open up ThanksI don't think I have ever opened up to people in my "real" world as I have here. It's a wonderful, liberating, joyous feeling.

Tawny

Hundi
November 23rd, 2006, 06:41 PM
Oh sweatheart Paul

You did well to find here - very brave to to open up, Glad to know you have supportive wife. I do not post often (I should more so), but I take my cap off to you and wish you all the best! You struck a chord with me I am very private also, But do visit chat - Hundi

lushy
November 23rd, 2006, 07:20 PM
Oh Paul you seem like such a nice man. I appreciate what it took for you to post that story. It sounds like you could be in a much worse mindset from the upbringing you had but I sense a lot of positiveness on your part. You are very much to be admired. I hope that whatever your goals are with drinking you will achieve them. This is a really great place. I have never in my life been part of an internet community; always thought people odd that did that sort of thing, but I have come to see differently since coming here. We are all human beings with our own struggles and we are just trying to find our best way in the world. I wish you your best way.

boycie
November 23rd, 2006, 10:12 PM
Hi Paul I am only new here also and am a very private person. Since finding this site and joining in I have found the people here to be extremely supportive and very non judgemental. I'm an Aussie so our "culture" doesn't help us with drinking issues either. Can totally relate to your story, think yourself very lucky to have somebody by yourside to help along the way, she must be a very special lady. Mine bailed out, mind you I wasn't a very nice person to be around, I would have left me to. Hang in there mate, we are all here to support each others goals.

KatieSmiles
November 23rd, 2006, 11:42 PM
Hi Paul!
I'm new here as well and not used to spilling my stuff to other people.
This site is amazing and the people here are fantastic.
Good for you for letting it out...tis a hard thing to do.
Take very good care and push on..you are on the right track.
Keep Smiling :)
Katie

AMELIA
November 24th, 2006, 03:52 AM
Dear Paul.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have expressed yourself beautifully: clear, concise and easy to follow contrary to what you may think about your writing.
I am so happy that you have a supportive an loving partner that is aware of what you are dealing with at the moment and it sounds like you are being pretty open with her which is fantastic.
I don't know whether this relates to you or not, but it is something that was discussed with me a long time ago.............
Years ago I went to a therapist who during one part of our sessions explored an idea with me: that children who see their parents in pain feel an enormous amount of guilt and frustration. Young children (although usually unable to) would do anything to take away the pain that they see their beloved parents in. My therapist then went on to venture, that sometimes as adults we repeat some of the actions (and create some of the pain) of our parents for what could be a range of reasons, again out of guilt or perhaps to re-create a scenario to try to change the outcome whilst we are in control (not our parents).
Pretty deep stuff I know! It may mean something to you, or it may not.
Either way, keep posting, definately keep sharing and reading everyone elses posts. One of the most positive things I have found from this site is a feeling that I am not alone or in fact abnormal....sigh.
Amelia

Popeye
November 24th, 2006, 01:23 PM
Hi, thanks for your input. It's good to know there is someone out there to alk to.
Amelia: What you say strikes a chord with me. I cannot blame anyone else for my mistakes and for my own mis-judgements, though everyone is made of the sum of their experiences. Part of my plan is to make the sum of my experiences better. (Being in this place is definately a great experience).
I have a 40th Birthday party to attend tonight and I will be under a bit of pressure to partake. However I have no intention of doing so. I shall sit back and relax - I hope - and enjoy myself.......sober.
Last night was a trial. I wanted a drink the instant I got home from work, but I jumped onto this site and with the help of all you and my wife I got through it. Thanks again

AMELIA
November 24th, 2006, 05:50 PM
Well Paul, as I am writing this you are probably still at the party so hope it is going well for you. Yeah, I am still getting about a half hour time slot of 'danger' time each night, that I have to duck and dive through, so as not to go to the off license.....goes with the course at the moment I suppose.

Good luck
Amelia

Guest
November 25th, 2006, 06:12 AM
Hi Paul - another fellow Scot and a wee nosy biddie as well - how did it go last night? Just interested to see how you are?

Orra best
The Terror

Popeye
November 25th, 2006, 08:21 AM
Hi there.
The party was OK as parties go. I managed quite easily on the drink front, despite the best efforts all there."what's wrong with you"..... "come on, enjoy yourself".... etc. They were all surprised that I was sober. I didn't enlighten them as to why- I like a bit of mischief.
Afterwards , when I was driving people home, I had a thought that I had missed out on something, then, almost immediately realised that I had gained from it.
This is a lovely place . I found a quote yesterday." The qualities we possess should never be a matter of satisfaction, but the qualities we have discarded." Thanks

betty boop
November 25th, 2006, 11:47 AM
Hi Paul, WELL DONE.............

It's strange that you mentioned not getting drunk while you are out, I do exactly the same, I will drive so I can't drink and then come home & knock back a whole bottle of wine in about 10 mins.....

Keep up the good work.

Take care, Paula xx

CC Canadian
November 26th, 2006, 03:27 AM
Hello Paul,

Welcome to this community of support, friendship, information and so much more than I can possibly list.

I'm sure you have been reading the many postings on the boards so I would like to share with you and others my success so far with this program.
I have been on the program for just over a year now and it has completely changed my life. I was in a desperate situation believing there was no hope for a normal life again until I found this place. After spending about 2 full days reading posts I ordered the book , the supplements, the topamax and got started.....I did everything according to the plan. I never touched alcohol for the first 5 months. I was determined to make it work. And it has to date.
I will have a drink in a social setting on occasion. I think the last drink I had was about 2 months ago and that was 4 oz of wine. My goal from the beginning was moderation and I intend to keep it that way.

I was not one to post much from the time I began the program or throughout the process... maybe because I felt I might fail, but I came to the site almost every night and read the new postings and any old postings that gave me hope and the encouragement I needed.

My husband was aware of what I was doing but from past experience had his doubts, so for the most part I felt like I was doing this program on my own. Needless to say, he is pleased with the results. In hindsight, I believe the more interaction on this site the better.

Once again....welcome aboard

Best of luck to all of us.

CC

Popeye
November 26th, 2006, 10:53 AM
Hi CC. Thanks for the post. I haven't got the book yet, but I shall get it and start the program. I am not sure what it involves but I don't want to stop being sober. I'm not sure if I could do moderation, so I think it will have to be total abstainance.
I know what you mean about your husband having doubts. I can't remember how many times I have told her that I was stopping, and meaning it, then disappointing her. It's not nice being a failure and feeling that you have no control of yourself.
Thanks again. Paulb

AMELIA
November 26th, 2006, 11:19 AM
Hey Paul, Congratulations on getting through the party - liked the quote too!! I think you will find the book truly inspirational and once you start the programme the abstinence will be even easier.

Thanks CC Canadian for your utterly motivating story!! It is wonderful to hear and exactly what I aspire to.

Amelia

Popeye
November 27th, 2006, 01:27 AM
I don't know what to say.

I just heard about the Kanga. I don't know what to say. I was going to praise myself for staying sober for a week, but it doesn't seem appropriate any more. I didn't know the man, but I gather a lot of you did. I feel like an intruder today. I'll come back tomorrow.

jenny
November 27th, 2006, 04:37 AM
I'm having the same problems. I'm alright all week and then Friday and Saturday drink until I pass out and its beginning to frighten me. I have a son and twice now I have passed out while he has been up with me and has ended up falling asleep next to me after trying desparately to wake me up. What if anything had happened to him while I was in some stupor. I want and need to stop this vicious cycle that I have got myself into but not sure how

tumadre
November 27th, 2006, 08:55 PM
Jenny-
I'm so glad you are here. You've taken the first step, and there must be something very strong inside you that wants to make a change. How old is your son? It sounds as if you are a single parent? Please know that all of us have struggled with this-drinking, wanting to not drink, knowing that if we're drunk, we're really not "there" for the ones we care for. Please keep reading posts, download the book, read about the supplements, and ask any question you want to. That's why we're here. We all help each other.
Tumadre:welcome:

tumadre
November 27th, 2006, 09:01 PM
Paulb-
Okay to come back. One week sober is something to be proud of! You are not to minimize your accomplishments because of Kanga's death. I'm proud of you!
Actually, I haven't even tried a week AF, I've just been moderating, so :good: for a newbie!

pixie
November 27th, 2006, 09:33 PM
Hi Paul and welcome, from another newbie (been here a couple of weeks).

Congratulations on your week of sobriety - that's no small accomplishment. I've found that the supplements suggested in the book are helping with my cravings, as is reading this site - reminds me what I'm working towards. It's obviously a tough and sad time on these boards right now, but hang in there, I think we found a good place.

pixie

Popeye
November 28th, 2006, 12:44 AM
Thanks

Hi Jenny, It's good to hear from you. I know what you mean about the blackouts. I often wonder if my problem with booze has had any adverse effect on my children. They are both grown up now and seem to be OK but I am sure that my behaviour over the years has damaged them, at least slightly. My daughter recently had a daughter of her own - two weeks ago, and I have promised myself that she will never see me drunk. That happy event coincided with another one - finding this place. Hopefully Jenny, we can watch out for each other at the weekends. I could use the help.
Tumadre and pixie; thanks for the support. I thought that I was getting too old and cynical to find new friends, especially here, in cyberspace......that was the first time that I have used that phrase I think......here in cyberspace...
A week off the drink is a long time for me, I think the longest ever is 10 days, about 10 years ago, so I'm nearly there. Yesterday it just didn't feel right...do you know what I mean?
Anyway thanks again..and Amelia, you too.

Popeye
November 28th, 2006, 02:01 AM
Hi paulaw I usually go home after driving and start on a bottle of vodka whch will keep me up until the next morning, if I'm not working that day. I didn't do that this time. A promising start. Thanks

Popeye
November 28th, 2006, 02:03 AM
Hi paulaw I usually go home after driving and start on a bottle of vodka whch will keep me up until the next morning, if I'm not working that day. I didn't do that this time. A promising start. Thanks to you all. KatieSmiles, boycie, Lush, Hundi and Tawnyfrog.

Popeye
November 30th, 2006, 12:32 AM
Hello All
It's Thursday morning now and for the first time in 10 AF days I'm starting to crack.
The weekend is nearly upon me and I can feel that old pull in my head. I need a strategy or something to take my mind off it. Is this the anxiety that I have heard about??
When I stopped smoking a while back, I learned to accept the craving... to feel it flow and eventually ebb. I am trying that approach now. It's only flow, flow, flow. I want some ebb.
I feel a kind of nervous excitement about the next couple of days.

Popeye
December 2nd, 2006, 04:24 AM
I cracked

Paddy
December 2nd, 2006, 08:48 AM
Me too, Paul. Just now. Give it another try next week ... It's just a temporary relapse, mate. The more you build yourself up before the weekend, the better it is. Keep yourself busy.

Popeye
December 2nd, 2006, 09:27 AM
Paddy
I'm always tryin'
It's good to talk.

Popeye
December 2nd, 2006, 09:40 AM
And it's good to listen. thanks

betty boop
December 2nd, 2006, 01:09 PM
Hi Paul,

You didn't crack, you moderated................. you ARE in more control now than ever before, at least now you know that you CAN go AF which is better than most of us. I'm sorry that I didn't notice your original post asking for help or I would have been there. You can always PM me if you need extra help, as we're in the same time zone your i'm probably about.

PLease take care mate & keep your chin up.

Paula :l

betty boop
December 2nd, 2006, 01:11 PM
By the way, when you said you 'cracked' was it as much as before or was it just a few???

Popeye
December 3rd, 2006, 10:09 AM
ello paulaW
You are right . I moderated. I remember going to bed, which makes a change.
I am going to have a quiet week this week.
I shall take my wife out for a meal on friday night. Something to look forward to.
I hpoe everyone else has a nice time this week.

Popeye
December 3rd, 2006, 10:14 AM
Thanks PaulaW
You are right, I moderated.
I remember going to bed last night.
I'm going to have a quiet week this week.
I shall go for a meal with my wife on Friday. That is something to look forward to.
I hope eveyone else has a good week I am taking care and keeping my chin up.
Love Paul

AMELIA
December 3rd, 2006, 02:45 PM
Hey Paul, just been catching up with how your'e doing. I have been working some big bad hours lately so haven't had as much time to sit down and 'stroke the keys' as I would have liked. You sound like you're doing ok though. So you had a tiny hiccup? I reckon we have all had our fair share of those annoying buggers. Moderation is a good thing though, so while you're figuring out where you want to be with it - abs or mods or somewhere else, moderation is FAR better than bottles of Vodders!
I was a wine girl and lots of it. It was at my worst that I turned to the Vodka and I KNEW I was bashing myself with it (I was having it as well as the wine:egad:) and it was about that time that I really started to understand that I was getting in trouble.

So Paul, from what you have posted - its all good. Giving up smoking TOO at the same time, my god, you are a keen bean. Well done.
Keep us posted.
Amelia

Popeye
December 3rd, 2006, 11:59 PM
Hi Amelia,
I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, you know how it is...I let everybody down etc., But you are right, I have been doing well since coming here. It's still early days but I can honestly say that I'm not doing too badly, also that I could do better. Thanks for caring.
By the way, I stopped smoking two years ago. What kind of masochist do you take me for. I can only stay on one wagon at a time. I can't even stay on this one. I am a keen bean though.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Popeye
December 4th, 2006, 12:25 AM
Hello all,
I was thinking......
I have been keeping tabs on my drinking with a diary. I started on October 22nd, About 2 weeks before finding this site, and it makes good reading.
The first week I drank 6 bottles of vodka, the second week 5 bottles. Since coming here I have drank 1 bottle in three weeks.
I feel better now.

AMELIA
December 4th, 2006, 04:29 PM
Crikey, you were keeping Smirnoff in business!!!:wow: ....... Sales are now slacking though - it's good to see Paul!

Seriously though, it sounds like you are doing really well. If that was my drinks diary, I would be proud!

Keep up the good work and take care:)

Amelia

Popeye
December 5th, 2006, 12:52 AM
Thanks again for the words Amelia.
A thought just crossed my mind. I was going to say that I do feel better every day that I'm AF, But I think that I'm happier for my wife than for myself. I really hate letting her down, which is not a bad thing.
Any happiness that I feel for myself seems a long way secondary. Do you think that's OK?
If I had a more up-beat attitude to myself then perhaps I would feel proud.
I'm sorry to sound depressing - I don't feel at all depressed.
Thanks again, You're good people.

AMELIA
December 5th, 2006, 05:43 AM
Let's put it this way Paul,..it's early days. Very early days. Perhaps you are not overwhelmed with happiness because your body (body chemistry) is going through big changes and that can sometimes be uncomfortable and make us feel a range of things -pissed off, edgy, moody, depressed, down, indifferent etc. Perhaps your wifes happy reaction is just more noticable to you than the more 'subtle' positive changes that you have been experiencing.

Ok so Im guessing you don't have severe hangovers any more, your memory loss is not so bad, no blackouts, saving money on booze, keeping more promises etc etc. Now these things in themselves are not going to make us swing from the rafters and sing Hallelullah! are they?
I really do believe it takes time to A. Mend whatever it is we have done to our brains and bodies over the years, and B. Begin to place different, more rewarding activities into what was our 'lost' drinking time.

There is initial euphoria, I have felt it in the first few day when I have managed to stopped drinking and begun my AF times, but long term general happiness takes time to build, especially when we are starting from where most of us are.
What do you reckon?:confused:

Amelia

pixie
December 5th, 2006, 11:01 PM
Hi Paul

I've been away for a few days and am now just catching up; I'm sorry to hear a little late about your weekend. I also did not follow my plan this weekend, but I'm learning to look at the positives. I'm still doing much better than before (I liked vodka too, along with everything else!). I agree with Amelia that your body is going through physical changes and that may be affecting your mood about yourself - maybe that will change soon (standard disclaimer that I am not a doctor, so please consider seeing one if your mood worsens).

My worst time is Friday nights. My husband and I have started going to the local Home Depot (home improvement center) on Fridays because we're working on home projects and are always in need of something. For some reason I find walking around there with coffee in hand comforting -- maybe it's seeing other sober people with real projects on their minds (and dedication to be there on a Friday night). Or maybe it's just the bright lights during this dark part of the year. I know, it's weird, but I've started looking forward to it. Maybe you could also find some place or activity (though likely less weird) that could become a new habit during the tougher hours (could you visit your granddaughter?)

Hope all is well

pixie

Popeye
December 6th, 2006, 12:42 AM
Hello Again,

I have been thinking about what you said Amelia, and of course you're right...it's very early days. I have made a reasonable start, which is good, and I shall improve upon it. I haven't had a severe hangover for what seems like ages, and I don't want one either. Of course it will take time to adjust mentally and physically to what's happening to my body and my brain. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I'm learning.
and Pixie, usually I have some plan for dealing with Friday nights, though the closer a Friday gets the less likely my plan would be to happen. I'm hoping to go for a nice meal this Friday, then come home and start decorating the spare room, ready for my granddaughter is old enough to come and stay, so I 'll probably be in a home improvement store on Friday too.......not weird at all..the most natural thing in the world. I'll think of you while I'm there, checking out the wallpaper and paint.
At the moment, it is all about feelings and emotions. I haven't quite got the hang of the methodology. I have never been ambitious, but I want to succeed in this. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....this is a great place.

Thank you for talking and listening.

Guest
December 6th, 2006, 06:19 AM
New Beginning

This is my first time on this site and I think I have found my saviour...
I drink to the excess about 5 out of 7 nights a week. I recently got married and realised that I don;t want to live like this any longer, my mother is alcoholc and has been nost of my life, Too scared to go to AA as too shy

k

Popeye
December 6th, 2006, 01:32 PM
Hi crank

Hi there,

You have come to the right place.

The few lines that you posted sound remarkably familiar.

Read as many other posts as you can. The people here are very friendly and supportive.

:welcome:

Denise
December 8th, 2006, 09:21 AM
Hi PaulB,

Hey! Keep ranting. Keep talking. This is a safe and supportive place to open up. I too am a very private person, but I'm beginning to talk here and I find it very therapeutic.

Best wishes,

D

Popeye
December 8th, 2006, 11:26 AM
Hello Denise
It's good to have your company. I really didn't know what to expect when I came here. I have never been on a forum before, and I've yet to try the Chatroom, but I'm finding it very helpful. I never thought that I could relate, if you know what I mean. I'm getting a lot from this experience and hopefully I can give something too.

Well it's effing Friday again. I should be in the throes of another arguement with ' the devil within ' about now, but for some reason, he is keeping himself quiet. I've usually let him talk me into having a good drink about this time of the week but today is different. I actually don't want a drink tonight.
Something good is happening to me. I don't know what or why but I know the help and good wishes that are oozing from my monitor must have something to do with it.
I just hope that Saturday comes and goes without incident and that I make it to Sunday sober and that everyone gets what they want from this weekend.
Once again, thanks for the help.
This is a remarkable community and I'm glad to be part of it.

Paul

betty boop
December 8th, 2006, 04:10 PM
Hi Paul

Well Done, let's hope that the devil within doesn't win this weekend.

BE STRONG

Take care mate, Love Paula xx

Popeye
December 9th, 2006, 01:43 AM
Hello everyone,
Paula
Thank you for your support
I feel good this morning....not great, but good enough. How are you?
My head is so full of different thoughts this morning. I can't seem to be able to concentrate on one for any length of time so I'll just jot them down as they pop up.
I had a nice meal with my wife last night and I didn't feel I was missing out by not drinking. Often, when we arrange something like that, I feel a resentment that my drinking time is being taken away from me. That didn't happen. I actually enjoyed myself.
I don't want to come across in my posts as smug or complacent. I know that I have only taken a step on this scary journey and I can never let my guard down.
I don't want to offend anyone here by not following the correct etiquette. I think I'm doing the posts properly but then what do I know?
I haven't worked out a long term plan yet. I haven't got the book...I can't find it anywhere in this country. I have been using some supps...minerals, vitamins etc.
I come into this place regularly and it is as real as any other place to me now. Is this normal?
I want to put my picture under my avatar but I don't know how.
There are so many kind and thoughtful people here.
I sometimes feel a bit 'unworthy' to be here. I am not fishing for compliments or attention....I don't like that.
It's Saturday and I have to go to work.....I detest working on the weekend but at least it will keep me busy and sober until at least five o'clock tonight....not that I have any intention of drinking today.
That'll do for now. I still have a hundred unsaid thoughts swirling around my head. My brain must be fixing itself I reckon.
Sorry for ranting.

"I am a'whirl"

Preciouspinot
December 9th, 2006, 10:27 AM
There is no book of etiqutte here...there is no wrong way to post (although insults are a no-no/but, you

would never do that) you can download the book from your computer or order it online through

Amazon.com...your long term plan will come...this is a real place and you are perfectly normal...I too can't

post my picture either..the picture is too big and I can't figure out how to shrink it...everyone is worthy...

as time passes you will become stronger and realize this for yourself...yes, working on Saturday

sucks..can't help you with that one sorry

Popeye
December 9th, 2006, 12:27 PM
Hi Precious,
I'm back from work now and I've settled down . Thanks for posts. I am usually quite calm, just this morning I felt ...I don't know. My mind was racing....perhaps it was some sort of anxiety episode. As I say, I don't know. I wanted to say everything in one go, if you know what I mean. Or some mental trick to get me through the weekend. It seems to be working.
Thanks again for listening.
Paul

PS I've never ordered anything online before, but I've just ordered the book. It was easy.

lushy
December 9th, 2006, 01:24 PM
Hi Paul, it is funny the connection you can feel to the people on this site, isn't it? This is a first time for me as well venturing onto the internet for support and it seems funny sometimes that I care so much about people I have never met nor will I probably ever meet. I am glad you found us from your side of the world. And you do not sound smug or complacement, you sound like a man who is trying to change his life for the better, and for that I applaud you. Keep coming around.

weemelonhead
December 9th, 2006, 03:16 PM
Pauly Paul.....What a guy....I haven't read any of the 'my story' bits yet, too busy reading the other thread things and getting a feel for stuff, but decided to after plonking my own tale in there.

As I haven't been with your story from the beginning, I get to see your last few weeks unfold all in one go. Have you read back over all the messages yourself? If you had, you would be able to see what I can...A guy who is putting major effort into keeping himself, not just above water, but swimming (with a stylish crawl I might add....nice muscles) to the shore....I hope you get there...keep swimming, the beach is in sight!!!
Rambling?? This is what most of our brains seem to work like...At first it seems a mad panic now we've decided to go with this, to get EVERYTHING out...talking about the million different issues that ramble around the convoluted avenues of the old grey matter on a daily basis. The thing is, usually (maybe not the same for you as your partner sounds beautifully supportive) we cannot talk to anyone about all this stuff, but now, finding a site where it is easy to be honest....well, the dam just bursts doesn't it? Which problem do I talk about first...which question do I need an answer to immediately??? Oh my God..it's all of them...

I don't know what any one else thinks, but I feel it's COMPLETELY natural...I do the same myself...your thoughts and concerns are completely coherent, relevant and necessary. And DO NOT in any way shape or form go with the worry about smug/attention seeking stuff. This is a site about a group of people who all talk in the same way...we understand the feelings because we can truly empathize with your situation.

If you went for careers advice say, at the employment centre, looking for a new direction...wouldn't you give them EVERY bit of info about yourself? Wouldn't this be the best way to ensure that they really knew you and could help in the best way possible?

Carry on Bud...It's people like you that make me want to stick like glue to this site...it really is the only way to go for me, and this feeling gets strengthened every day when I read posts like yours...Be healthy, stay calm....and stopping smoking!......curse you!!! The green eyed monster is rapping on my lungs as I tap away........'see weemelonhead....it is possible' Paul did it.........
That is definately my next goal after quitting the vino tinto, like you though, one step at a time!!! Thank you Paul, thank you....keep sharing....it's keeping me going in the right direction x

Popeye
December 9th, 2006, 04:01 PM
Hi again,
Lush
I know what you mean about the connections you can make with people here. It's almost like the connection you can get with fictional characters in a book...they can make you happy, sad, scared even. But the common aims that brought us here make the connection real. Thanks for your help.
weemelonhead
I like you already. Everything you said about rambling makes perfect sense to me. It is a complicated issue we are dealing with here and it seems sometimes that I have to work everthing out NOW. Reading other posts, it is abundantly clear that there will be ups and downs for most of us; that my situation will change and my way of dealing with those changes will have to adapt if I am to progress.
I didn't know any of this a month ago. It's with insight from people like you that, hopefully I can progress, and for that I am grateful.


Paul

weemelonhead
December 9th, 2006, 10:59 PM
Go, go, go my wee free man (makes sense if you read Terry Pratchett, say it in a Scotish accent of course!!) Nac Mac Feegle...and to infinity and beyond (hang on...that's not Pratchett??????) speak soon....keep going......The melon

mic
December 11th, 2006, 05:07 PM
Paul , thanks have really enjoyed reading your honest account and insights - keep going mate.
MIC

Popeye
December 16th, 2006, 04:13 AM
Hello All,

Bloody weekends!!!!!!
I had a drink last night.
Not too much, but more than I wanted. I don't want any.
Well, it's Saturday morning and I can remember Friday night, which, I suppose is OK, moderate, not bad, etc....
That bas##rd in my head got his own way again. Today is a new day and will not involve any booze.........( I was going to write 'hopefully', but I shall say 'definately'.)
I feel as if I have let you all down...... :upset: ......silly, isn't it?

betty boop
December 16th, 2006, 05:36 AM
Morning Paul

Don't beat yourself up....

It' amazing that we can all tell each other that it's OK but we never tell ourselves that.

You really are winning when you compare last night to a few weeks ago.

Take care, Love Paula xx :l

Popeye
December 16th, 2006, 06:09 AM
Thanks Paula.:l

pixie
December 16th, 2006, 09:23 AM
Hi Paul

If having company helps any, I drank last night too against my plans. It was really eating at me, I got very anxious and then gave in. Like you I didn't overindulge, but I didn't really enjoy it either, which made me feel stupid when I woke up, because what as the point? I wish I could understand better the thought pattern that gets me to that point - most of the time I can distract myself before it gets that bad, but when I fail that, I can't seem to talk myself out of the panic feeling. Does that make any sense?

I know I'm doing better than I was, just like you, so we should feel good about that. But I hate losing the battle with my mind.

Wow, wasn't that a great pick-me-up response - sorry.

I definitely won't drink tonight - I'll think of you doing the same.

pixie

Popeye
December 16th, 2006, 09:40 AM
Hi pixie
That makes perfect sense.
I'm feeling better now. Normally on a Saturday, I'd be straight up to the shop and back in the land of oblivion by now. I don't even want a drink and I know I won't be drinking tonight either. My wife has her work's night out toonight, so it would be a good oppertunity for me to sit in on my own and get plastered, but I don't want to. That's a good feeling isn't it?

pixie
December 16th, 2006, 09:54 AM
it would be a good oppertunity for me to sit in on my own and get plastered, but I don't want to. That's a good feeling isn't it?


Yes, that IS a good feeling. Glad you're feeling better.

pixie

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 10:22 AM
Hello everyone,

I have had a pretty hectic time over the last couple of days.
Wednesday was a day of contrasts.
Scene 1: I was at work at a site in Glasgow city centre. I was feeling good and working hard and thinking about us, here. At lunch time, I was talking to my friend, who is also my boss, about stuff in general. He knows a bit about me, but not how strongly I feel about sorting myself out. I decided to tell him a little about what I am doing. We were stopped at a road crossing and I started to tell him about this place, MWO, and what a great help it is to me. All of a sudden, his eyes glazed over and his attention seemed to drift to another place. It was as if I was talking to myself.....only for two or three seconds. He knows that I have a drink problem and he knows also that I would like to address it, but he was looking at me as if I were a lunatic. He quickly changed the subject and we carried on with the rest of our day, but I couldn't help but wonder......I know that I am doing the right thing, but in the eyes of my peers, I must appear to be odd, maybe even slightly mad. I don't care about that, but that experience has deterred me from opening up. I knew that there was a reason that I don't like socialising and talking to other people, but I thought I'd give it another try. This is the only place I can say what I feel and not feel foolish. The rest of the time I seem to be keeping up a front.....does that make sense?
Scene 2: My wife and I went to a concert. It was wonderful. There was a choir and an orchestra and guest singers from London's West End theatre. It was a mix of classic and contemporary Christmas music and singing. The hairs on my neck stood up on a few occasions. A great night! I remember thinking how grateful I was for the changes in our life....not just mine.
All this goodness has happened in only five weeks. I have been moderating for a month but I have decided to stop all together.
I was at my work's night out last night. I had a nice meal then I made my excuses and came home.
I'm a new man.
:thanks:

lushy
December 22nd, 2006, 10:35 AM
Paul, you sound so strong in your decision, it is wonderful to hear.

I know what you mean about not wanting to tell the "real" people in your life. I made the mistake of opening up to a non drinking friend (although she is overweight because her addiction is food so I figured she would understand) and now she will not let it go, almost as if she is my gatekeeper. It really has caused a wedge in our friendship because I did not tell her in order for her to be my keeper. I told her as nice as I could the other day that I am dealing with it on my own and she needs to back off before I come over and start weighing out and portioning her food. I am sorry your coworker was not more supportive. No offense, but some men are real uncomfortable with that kind of closeness and sharing. Maybe that was his problem.

You sound like you are on a great path. I wish you a peaceful, sober holiday.

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 11:25 AM
Hi Lush
....It's part of the culture in the circles that I find myself in.....construction worker, machismo, drinking, cursing, fighting etc. I have always found a lot of the attitudes quite uncomfortable. I even tried to 'join in' for a while, but it really isn't me.
I really wasn't looking for my friends support as such. I think I was addressing an honesty issue within myself, if that makes sense???

I just got a phone call. My wife is going to the pub with her friends and my daughter's partner is also going out so my daughter is bringing her daughter to spend the evening with me. My grand-daughter is six weeks old and it will be the first time that she has been in our house for any length of time......fantastic!


'she needs to back off before I come over and start weighing out and portioning her food.':H
Love,

Accountable for Me
December 22nd, 2006, 12:35 PM
Keep Strong Paul!

Hello all! Well Paul, funny you mentioned that your boss kind of felt uncomfortable with the conversation of your MWO experience. (not funny - haha, just ironic).

I had my Nana here for 5 days over the last week due to our horrible storms and power outages, and I too, started to tell her with all of this 'excitement' about MWO and how I have found the strength etc here.

She looked at me as if I was more mental than I was when I was gulping back the drinks! (I am sitting here laughing - remembering the look on her face). Anyway, it works for me and that is all that matters as far as I am concerned!

On another note, I decided to send out an email to all of my family and friends telling them, that I appreciate their concern about my problem, and asked them politely to butt out. I don't know about some of you, but, it seems everytime I am with one of them, the first thing they say is "HI, so how is that drinking going?" Not "Hi, how are you doing?" That question has been the first one anyone in my family has asked me for the last 3 years. It is so insane, I think one of the reasons why I kept drinking was because it was expected of me. Everyone thinks I am a drunk, so why not be one?

It is amazing what the last month of sobriety has brought me EMOTIONALLY, and physically. I really felt a surge of anger towards my relatives. I am soooo tired of being treated like I have the plague, and being treated with no respect what-so-ever! I know this is all part of the healing process.

In my email, I had asked them to politely not bring up my past anymore. I have already paid the price oVER AND OVER, and am tired of apologizing for things that happened 3 1/2 years ago. (The peek of my problem days). I told them from now on, my past is not up for discussion because of the constant guilt, shame and just reliving that nightmare; day after day was literally driving me to the bottle. (Something I just came to realize). I know I am an alcoholic, but.... I think it wouldn't of been so bad if it wasn't thrown in my face all of the time....

sigh.... need some Christmas Music to try to pep me up. Thanks for letting me rant. I totally appreciate it. The holidays bring forth a lot of emotions I have difficulty dealing with drunk, let alone sober.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! :thanks:

lushy
December 22nd, 2006, 12:51 PM
Accountable, that was so awesome of you to send out that e-mail. Funny how people that do not drink do not get that we are wired completely differently. It is not that we are bad people and have chosen the wiring we were given. I only have one person from my past that asks the "hows the drinking going" question to me and it makes me want to slap her. You would never ask an overweight person, "so how is that shoveling food in your mouth all day long going?"

Okay, now I am sounding angry and really I am not! :)

Paul, have a wonderful time with the six week old granddaughter. You are sweet to do that. How special.

Accountable for Me
December 22nd, 2006, 01:04 PM
Ahh... That is the sad part...

Every single person in my family are alcoholics. I guess because I made a ghastly display of my problem 3 years ago, I get singled out. But, hey that is OK. I am learning a lot about this disease, the inter-relational aspects of it, and especially about myself.

I keep telling myself while going through all of this emotional stuff that I have so darn much to be happy about and sober for. I guess I came to the decision that I need to focus on me for now and not what others think.

Maybe I am finally growing up... ha ha ha ha ha ha:H

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 01:40 PM
Accountable,
I guess I came to the decision that I need to focus on me for now and not what others think.
I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment. I am doing a good thing here. I am improving myself. I am improving the life of those around me. If a person dosen't understand my motives or considers it wierd that I should actively not want a drink, then I don't think that I should be made feel odd. I am not odd. Odd is sitting alone in the house poisoning myself with bottles of vodka. Odd is staggering along from day to day, not remembering what happened last night and not caring what's going to happen tonight. Well, I've had enough of that. The new me is happy to let other people think what they like. My wife is glad and I'm glad....and I do feel like I'm growing up.

Thanks Fan

Accountable for Me
December 22nd, 2006, 02:02 PM
Touche!

Me too! Who cares about what others think anyway! My poison was Vodka as well, and man - I am feeling fantabulous these days!

I was just putting my little one to bed for a nap and started to laugh out loud thinking about all of this and she looked right into my face and started to laugh along with me.... (I hope she wasn't laughing at me - no, just kidding, she wasn't)

Now, this is the very reason why I don't give a rats bum what others are thinking about me anymore. My focus is being sober and enjoying these precious moments!!!!!!

Enjoy your precious little grand daughter. It feels like yesterday mine was so little... Now she is a walking and talking 19 month old Mighty Machine!!!

Suzanna
December 22nd, 2006, 02:07 PM
Accountable and Paul, you both are evolving and those around you don't know how to handle it, but you are right, it is THEIR problem. The holidays bring us all together and each family member is supposed to assume the identity, whatever their role is in the family and if people change it is met with resistance. Lush I love the food analogy! lol would serve her right~!

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 02:08 PM
Yup! We're doing OK aren't we.

betty boop
December 22nd, 2006, 03:32 PM
Hi All,

Paul I really understand what you mean, My 2nd job is as a Slimming Consultant, and every christmas we have a 'fuddle' I Usually take wine but didn't this year. One of my ladies bought sherry trifle, and the 1st comment was 'not enough sherry' I would normally have agreed but I immediately said 'but we're driving' I really didn't want it............. It's strange.

God Bless You Paul, you have been my inspiration.

Love to you and your family this Christmas :l :h :l

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 03:51 PM
Thanks Paula,
You are an angel
:l :h :l

betty boop
December 22nd, 2006, 04:14 PM
Thanks Paul,

The last person that called me angel was Mitch96, & he's disappeared, hope that he's OK.

Please don't do the same.

Love & hugs to you and your family.

It's a pleasure to have 'met' you.

Paula :l :h :l

Popeye
December 22nd, 2006, 05:44 PM
I'm not going anywhere. I love it here.
:happyheart:

Popeye
December 23rd, 2006, 01:50 AM
Good Morning everyone.
It's Saturday and I'm as fresh as a daisy. I could get used to this.I had a lovely night with my daughter and grand-daughter. She has just started to look around and notice things. When I picked her up and said 'hello', she broke into the most beautiful smile.....I was soooo pleased. As Accountable said....what better reason to stay sober. The buzz that that smile gave me is immeasurably better than anything out of a bottle.

Becca and Allie and anyone else who's having a bad time.....I'm thinking of you and wishing that I could help. I have come to regard you all as my close, personal friends. Thank you for helping me to get my life back.
Love

ScoobyDoo
March 3rd, 2007, 12:06 AM
Wow... Popeye, I have just read your journey and have quickly come to know you as a regular on the other pages, when you supported me in my first post a few days ago.

What a lovely sweet and sensitive soul you are - Your wife is one very lucky woman!

I look forward to getting to know you and some of the other regulars. You're a real inspiration to this newby :)

DooDoo aka Bernadette/Bernie

Beaches
March 3rd, 2007, 10:59 AM
Paul,
Thanks for opening up and coming here. You truly are a good friend to many here and have lots of them who respect and admire you. You've come along way and it's so great your wife has supported you. I know that I always enjoy your posts.

Popeye
March 3rd, 2007, 11:54 AM
:l

nancy
March 3rd, 2007, 09:37 PM
hi!

Hi popeye

are you depressed? have you considered anti-depressants?
it gets dark and rainy in the uk and people there are more resistant to meds...

nancy
March 3rd, 2007, 09:57 PM
oops!

i read your earlier threads about a bottle and half vodka a day and wrote a message before i scrolled down.

sounds like you are doing well! Congrats!

tea
March 4th, 2007, 06:57 PM
Big hugs to you and yours Popeye, you are an inspiration. From one Scot to another..... of course I am from the Glorious Highlands, are you central belt or ' far ye fae'?

Lorna - Inversneckian!!!

Popeye
March 5th, 2007, 12:04 AM
Hi Lorna,
I'm from the Glasgow area, but I get up to the Highlands quite a lot.

melanie
March 5th, 2007, 01:43 AM
Popeye,

Hang in there. I am so glad to be a apart of this site as well. Although I feel disappointed about my slip ups (especially on the week-end) - I know I can cut down - it is possible. I have thought about it, I have been so hard on myself, and when I drink I feel guilty. Now I feel only time can heal, and I am still trying to find moderation in my binge drinking.
I am sure we can do it~with all our friends here.
Take it easy.

betty boop
March 9th, 2007, 05:32 PM
Popeye ....

I'm glad that this has been bumped up.....

How far have you come since then ....

You are one amazing man .....

Love you for all that you have done for the rest of us here ...