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    Re-posting, just needing some support

    Very anxiously awaiting my brother and sister-in-law's arrival with their 3 kids. This is the perfect family, and we all have a huge, long history, which I won't go into cause I'd be typing until tomorrow. Super successful the whole lot of them, and she's the only one I've ever known that could out drink me (not bragging here-it's just in the genes). This is first time they've been up here in years-we usually go their house, and they are huge entertainers. So you get the picture-perfect hosts, perfect family, perfect perfect perfect. Except SIL can be a very mean, tactless, controlling woman, and that's when she's sober . Now, she's on my turf, and at first I'd made all the plans the way I thought she'd want them. Then I realized I had everyone driving all over tarnation just to make it work (logistics are complicated, but it involves my mom's house, my ex-husband's)...My mom doesn't even stay with them anymore when she goes down there cause there's usually a late-night argument.
    So, I've changed all the plans, and I told my mom that they're on OUR turf now. They're having dinner here, and I've made the house look as presentable as possible and we've laid in a gallon of white and a gallon of red vino. The rest of the weekend will involve wine tasting per their request, but it will be where we want to take them, and a couple of other changes that makes so much more sense to me and my mom. Please pray for me-the serenity prayer comes to mind. This may sound petty to all of you, but there is no one in my life who I let affect me more than her, and have done so for 25 years now. We've all matured a bit, so it is much better, but still, now it's at my house, so it feels very different. She can be so charming, and so much fun, then turn on you like a snake. You don't even hear the rattle.
    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
    Plato

    #2
    Re-posting, just needing some support

    I'm praying, Tumadre! I hope you bought the RIGHT wine!:H Just kidding.

    I hope this little hint helps. People who are really controlling are really very anxious and scared deep down inside, even thought they drive everyone else nuts. So I am praying that somehow, some way, you will find some insight into this woman's soul that will enable you to see that underneath that "perfect" exterior (the one that she desperately NEEDS everyone to see), there is a woman that is likely more vulnerable than you.

    It is good that you are taking some steps to take control of the situation. You are on YOUR TURF. Even if this is disturbing to her, how much impact is this ultimately going to have on your life?

    Good luck, go kick some butt gently, my dear!


    Hugs,

    Kathy:l
    AF as of August 5th, 2012

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      #3
      Re-posting, just needing some support

      Tumadre -
      I started a reply here earlier but then phone started ringing and this website "logs me out" due to inactivity after about 10 minutes, so I lost my whole post!

      In a nutshell -- I've had to do what you are doing right now, and it can be the most difficult thing in the world, or one of the easiest (and FUN I might add) if you can get past caring what she thinks about you? You sound a bit like me -- performance oriented. So she is the perfect hostess, and so the pressure is now on you. STOP. Be yourself. Dont serve more than you are comfortable having in the house. If she makes a comment, just smile and say something to the effect of, "There's a grocery store right down the road if you would like more... but I'm fine...." Then the ball is in her court to have to GO to the store, buy wine obviously for just herself - or for her and whoever else is in her park at the time. If she asks any "why" questions... there are a gazillion health related reasons you are doing this! (Weight, cutting back on sugar, noticed it makes me feel a little "draggy", urinary tract infection... cant drink right now...)

      Best of luck! I have one of those relatives too...(amazingly my sister in law... LOL)
      Allie
      What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

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        #4
        Re-posting, just needing some support

        Allie--great advice....I can be a doormat at the best of times..tumadre...stay strong tonight!!
        We love you!
        sm-mary

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          #5
          Re-posting, just needing some support

          Dear Tumadre,

          Kathy, Allie and sm-mary write wise words. It took me all too many years to accept the fact that most of my siblings and cousins lived in staffed households and have better organizational skills than I possess to boot! Once, I went so far as to buy a new music system that I felt would better please the ears of my sister who was visiting from a long way away. At this point when an "E keeps a messy house" comment finds its way to me, I just ignore it. I can't be ten people and I can't will myself onto an economic stratum that is these days as foreign to me as Mars.

          I don't know whether this is a plus or not, but most of my relatives are light drinkers or nondrinkers. Sometimes, I wish that I could just make them a little more. . . oblivious.

          In any event, good luck to you. Just be you, the you who is so loved here. You'll get through this one.

          Sending love and sense of humor supplements your way,

          E
















          e

          Comment


            #6
            Re-posting, just needing some support

            Allie, sm-mary & E-
            It had to have been your love & prayers! :h We had a great evening! I was relaxed, she was relaxed, we joined forces briefly with a plan so that my mom wouldn't stay home watching TV with the kids all day tomorrow while we're off wine tasting (if we didn't intervene, that's what she'd do while we were out for the day)...Actually, that's how it usually goes: it's a divide and conquer scheme with her: it's her and you against someone OR her and someone against you. Unfortunately, my mom is getting planned against, but the kids will benefit. We still have until mid-Sunday, so please keep me in your good thoughts. And I only had a few glasses of wine:yay: Sorry for the desperation earlier. I must have sounded pathetic. :boohoo:
            Thank you all so much :l
            Tumadre
            Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
            Plato

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              #7
              Re-posting, just needing some support

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                #8
                Re-posting, just needing some support

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