This morning I awoke in horror after having my second drinking dream in less than a week. I've only had 3 drinking dreams in over two months' sobriety this time around.
I know drinking dreams are common when people quit, and they don't necessarily mean that you want to drink again. I talked to my hypnotherapist about the first one (he's a recovered alcoholic of 31 years) and his take on it was that it was a warning from my subconscious to "tread lightly." Not that I am necessarily in danger, but to be aware of what's going on. Am I under more stress than normal? Am I paying attention to my program? Am I letting any part of my routine slip? Is my safety net secure? Especially now that the holiday season is upon us, I need to be doubly aware of these things. Another thing he pointed out to me is that people tend to relapse (if they are going to) at certain, predictable times: 30, 60, 90 days, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. He didn't know why, but these seem to be times when the monster comes back and starts working overtime and can catch people off guard. I just passed my 60 day mark, and I have to say I've felt a bit squirrely. Not that I've consciously wanted a drink -- just that I've felt a bit off kilter. So I'm trying to relax and take it easy and make sure that I don't forget the basics of my program.
For whatever it's worth, I'll briefly describe my drinking dreams. I know there was a previous discussion out there about them and someone was curious about the nature of others' drinking dreams. Mine are not very detailed... kind of nebulous, but the feelings associated with them are very strong, especially the regret at having drunk alcohol.
Dream #1 -- I was shopping and I passed by the liquor department of the grocery store. I debated whether or not to buy a bottle of scotch. (I have never even liked scotch.) I put the bottle in my cart and got in line to pay. Before I got to the register, I put the bottle back on the shelf.
Dream #2 -- This was just a few days ago. I don't remember actually drinking in the dream; I just remember the fact that I had been drinking. I felt a tremendous sadness at having given in yet again. I was very sad to have to start over again at Day 1 after getting up to 63 days. I debated in my head whether I could just subtract one day from my total, but that kind of math wouldn't work for me. I was just very, very sad.
Dream #3 (this morning) -- The first thing I am aware of is that I was drinking beer, and I had maybe 5 or 6 empty bottles in front of me. Someone said to me, "Don't you think you should switch to something besides beer, Mike?" "Yes," I replied. But I kept drinking beer. Again, I was very very sad at having come so far and found that I had relapsed without knowing how. I felt hopeless.
You know, I've been rolling along here, doing quite well for the last several weeks, feeling very strong. In fact I have felt my physical and emotional strength increasing every day. I feel as if I've tapped into a vast pool of internal strength -- call it my higher power in AA terms, my connection to the divine within me -- and it's been wonderful. I hope to find a way to keep that power flowing. Topamax, diet, supplements, exercise -- yeah it is all wonderful, and the immediate physical cravings for alcohol are gone. But guess what else? The monster is still alive inside me. That's what I get from these dreams. I'm not "cured." I don't think I ever will be. I don't think there is any such thing as a cure. It's like being diabetic -- I can manage this thing and live a normal life but I have to do things to keep it at bay. If I don't do those things, what I experienced in the dreams just might come true -- AGAIN. It has happened dozens, hundreds, of times before.
Not this time, God willing. I want a life that is better than that. I deserve a life that is better than that. And it is not out of my reach. It is right here, right now, in my grasp. I'm not going to let it go.
Thanks for "listening."
Mike
I know drinking dreams are common when people quit, and they don't necessarily mean that you want to drink again. I talked to my hypnotherapist about the first one (he's a recovered alcoholic of 31 years) and his take on it was that it was a warning from my subconscious to "tread lightly." Not that I am necessarily in danger, but to be aware of what's going on. Am I under more stress than normal? Am I paying attention to my program? Am I letting any part of my routine slip? Is my safety net secure? Especially now that the holiday season is upon us, I need to be doubly aware of these things. Another thing he pointed out to me is that people tend to relapse (if they are going to) at certain, predictable times: 30, 60, 90 days, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. He didn't know why, but these seem to be times when the monster comes back and starts working overtime and can catch people off guard. I just passed my 60 day mark, and I have to say I've felt a bit squirrely. Not that I've consciously wanted a drink -- just that I've felt a bit off kilter. So I'm trying to relax and take it easy and make sure that I don't forget the basics of my program.
For whatever it's worth, I'll briefly describe my drinking dreams. I know there was a previous discussion out there about them and someone was curious about the nature of others' drinking dreams. Mine are not very detailed... kind of nebulous, but the feelings associated with them are very strong, especially the regret at having drunk alcohol.
Dream #1 -- I was shopping and I passed by the liquor department of the grocery store. I debated whether or not to buy a bottle of scotch. (I have never even liked scotch.) I put the bottle in my cart and got in line to pay. Before I got to the register, I put the bottle back on the shelf.
Dream #2 -- This was just a few days ago. I don't remember actually drinking in the dream; I just remember the fact that I had been drinking. I felt a tremendous sadness at having given in yet again. I was very sad to have to start over again at Day 1 after getting up to 63 days. I debated in my head whether I could just subtract one day from my total, but that kind of math wouldn't work for me. I was just very, very sad.
Dream #3 (this morning) -- The first thing I am aware of is that I was drinking beer, and I had maybe 5 or 6 empty bottles in front of me. Someone said to me, "Don't you think you should switch to something besides beer, Mike?" "Yes," I replied. But I kept drinking beer. Again, I was very very sad at having come so far and found that I had relapsed without knowing how. I felt hopeless.
You know, I've been rolling along here, doing quite well for the last several weeks, feeling very strong. In fact I have felt my physical and emotional strength increasing every day. I feel as if I've tapped into a vast pool of internal strength -- call it my higher power in AA terms, my connection to the divine within me -- and it's been wonderful. I hope to find a way to keep that power flowing. Topamax, diet, supplements, exercise -- yeah it is all wonderful, and the immediate physical cravings for alcohol are gone. But guess what else? The monster is still alive inside me. That's what I get from these dreams. I'm not "cured." I don't think I ever will be. I don't think there is any such thing as a cure. It's like being diabetic -- I can manage this thing and live a normal life but I have to do things to keep it at bay. If I don't do those things, what I experienced in the dreams just might come true -- AGAIN. It has happened dozens, hundreds, of times before.
Not this time, God willing. I want a life that is better than that. I deserve a life that is better than that. And it is not out of my reach. It is right here, right now, in my grasp. I'm not going to let it go.
Thanks for "listening."
Mike
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