Hello all,
As I've mentioned before, this is not my first attempt at sobriety. That is probably true of most of us here. Most of us have tried time and again to get sober before finding MWO... I mean, it wouldn't be your first instinct to go find a support website to quit drinking unless you had already tried and failed, right?
Anyway I have had several attempts in the past, on my own, with AA and also with MWO. I've achieved varying lengths of time from 1 day (ha!) to 9 months. And obviously all of those attempts ended with "one more drink."
So I keep asking myself, "What is different this time?" Something definitely feels different to me. I feel more at peace with my decision, more committed, more sure -- and at the same time I know I am just as vulnerable as in all those previous attempts. One can't get cocky because that's when bad things happen. What I'm saying is that the quality of my sobriety seems different to me this time around. I'm not sitting around moping about not being able to drink. I'm not craving alcohol. I'm counting days but they just keep ticking by on the calendar. So what is it that I'm doing differently?
* Acceptance. This is such a simple thing -- and it's the first step in AA -- but it can be very hard to do. I have finally accepted at the core of my being that I am an alcoholic. I cannot ever drink again. It will most likely kill me. And you know, it's not like I've just resigned myself to some awful truth, either. I actually am at peace with this truth. I think I can even love this aspect of myself -- it's part of who I am, it's part of my journey in this life, and I am learning some amazing things. Yes it has been painful. But I am who I am. The past is the past and it's time to move forward.
* Commitment. I have finally made a firm commitment in my mind that I will not drink. No ifs, ands or buts -- it just isn't an option. That takes away a huge amount of pressure from me. I don't have to sit around from 5:00 to 9:00 PM every night trying to make up my mind, "Will I or won't I have a drink?" because I already know the answer. I just have to do whatever it takes to make the right answer come to pass. In the past, I think I always "reserved the right" in the back of my mind to have a drink if X, Y or Z happened. That left the door open -- and boy oh boy I had to deal with LOTS of nights fighting the MONSTER. Eventually, I lost.
* Visualization. This time around, I've been successful in changing the way I think about alcohol. I always used to visualize it in a positive, alluring light. It was always "a nice, cold beer" or "a fine wine" or "cocktail hour." See how those phrases just make your mouth water? Well I don't even think that way any more. I think in terms of "poisonous, addictive drug -- like crystal meth or heroin" (much less enticing) or "rotted fruit" or "diesel fuel." Honestly the smell of alcohol almost makes me sick because of these associations in my mind. Who wants to smell rotted fruit or diesel fuel while they are eating dinner??
* Topamax. My God, I think this has been a lifesaver for me. Early on I couldn't manage to string together more than 5 or 6 days before the obsession would get the better of me and I'd give in. This happened time and time again. Finally, when I got my dosage of topa up to 200 mg, it was like a light switch went off in my head, and I became indifferent to alcohol. Not that I didn't want it any more psychologically -- but it was a mere intellectual proposal, and easy to dismiss. The deep longing for it was absolutely gone. And it hasn't come back. Now I really hope to get off this drug someday, but for the moment it's helping me tremendously -- and it's keeping the monster at bay while I build up my own defenses.
* Honesty. I am finally being completely open and honest with myself and with others (here on the board and with others in my life) about my drinking and recovery. I'm reaching out and talking to people when I have a hard time, rather than bottling it up. I am paying attention to what I feel and opening up to others about that and getting feedback. In the past, there were big parts of my life I just kept secret. And as they say, we are as sick as our secrets.
Of course there are other things I'm doing that contribute to my sense of well-being: supplements, exercise (finally!), eating right (finally!), hypnotherapy, some meditation, etc. These are maintenance as well as growth steps for me. But I think the ones listed above are the "biggies" that I can point to as to why I feel different this time.
So why am I posting all this? Hmmm.... well for one thing, I've come to use this forum as my online journal, I suppose, and it helps me to formulate my thoughts.
For another, maybe there are others out there like me who are trying again and again to get it right and are wondering what works. Now -- what works for me may not be the same as what works for you. But this has been my experience so far. And God willing, I'll keep forging ahead.
Mike
As I've mentioned before, this is not my first attempt at sobriety. That is probably true of most of us here. Most of us have tried time and again to get sober before finding MWO... I mean, it wouldn't be your first instinct to go find a support website to quit drinking unless you had already tried and failed, right?
Anyway I have had several attempts in the past, on my own, with AA and also with MWO. I've achieved varying lengths of time from 1 day (ha!) to 9 months. And obviously all of those attempts ended with "one more drink."
So I keep asking myself, "What is different this time?" Something definitely feels different to me. I feel more at peace with my decision, more committed, more sure -- and at the same time I know I am just as vulnerable as in all those previous attempts. One can't get cocky because that's when bad things happen. What I'm saying is that the quality of my sobriety seems different to me this time around. I'm not sitting around moping about not being able to drink. I'm not craving alcohol. I'm counting days but they just keep ticking by on the calendar. So what is it that I'm doing differently?
* Acceptance. This is such a simple thing -- and it's the first step in AA -- but it can be very hard to do. I have finally accepted at the core of my being that I am an alcoholic. I cannot ever drink again. It will most likely kill me. And you know, it's not like I've just resigned myself to some awful truth, either. I actually am at peace with this truth. I think I can even love this aspect of myself -- it's part of who I am, it's part of my journey in this life, and I am learning some amazing things. Yes it has been painful. But I am who I am. The past is the past and it's time to move forward.
* Commitment. I have finally made a firm commitment in my mind that I will not drink. No ifs, ands or buts -- it just isn't an option. That takes away a huge amount of pressure from me. I don't have to sit around from 5:00 to 9:00 PM every night trying to make up my mind, "Will I or won't I have a drink?" because I already know the answer. I just have to do whatever it takes to make the right answer come to pass. In the past, I think I always "reserved the right" in the back of my mind to have a drink if X, Y or Z happened. That left the door open -- and boy oh boy I had to deal with LOTS of nights fighting the MONSTER. Eventually, I lost.
* Visualization. This time around, I've been successful in changing the way I think about alcohol. I always used to visualize it in a positive, alluring light. It was always "a nice, cold beer" or "a fine wine" or "cocktail hour." See how those phrases just make your mouth water? Well I don't even think that way any more. I think in terms of "poisonous, addictive drug -- like crystal meth or heroin" (much less enticing) or "rotted fruit" or "diesel fuel." Honestly the smell of alcohol almost makes me sick because of these associations in my mind. Who wants to smell rotted fruit or diesel fuel while they are eating dinner??
* Topamax. My God, I think this has been a lifesaver for me. Early on I couldn't manage to string together more than 5 or 6 days before the obsession would get the better of me and I'd give in. This happened time and time again. Finally, when I got my dosage of topa up to 200 mg, it was like a light switch went off in my head, and I became indifferent to alcohol. Not that I didn't want it any more psychologically -- but it was a mere intellectual proposal, and easy to dismiss. The deep longing for it was absolutely gone. And it hasn't come back. Now I really hope to get off this drug someday, but for the moment it's helping me tremendously -- and it's keeping the monster at bay while I build up my own defenses.
* Honesty. I am finally being completely open and honest with myself and with others (here on the board and with others in my life) about my drinking and recovery. I'm reaching out and talking to people when I have a hard time, rather than bottling it up. I am paying attention to what I feel and opening up to others about that and getting feedback. In the past, there were big parts of my life I just kept secret. And as they say, we are as sick as our secrets.
Of course there are other things I'm doing that contribute to my sense of well-being: supplements, exercise (finally!), eating right (finally!), hypnotherapy, some meditation, etc. These are maintenance as well as growth steps for me. But I think the ones listed above are the "biggies" that I can point to as to why I feel different this time.
So why am I posting all this? Hmmm.... well for one thing, I've come to use this forum as my online journal, I suppose, and it helps me to formulate my thoughts.
For another, maybe there are others out there like me who are trying again and again to get it right and are wondering what works. Now -- what works for me may not be the same as what works for you. But this has been my experience so far. And God willing, I'll keep forging ahead.Mike
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