Have loitered a bit quietly after finding the site...then started to add my 5 cents to some threads...now feel like I'm ready to bare the soul.
I am a 36 year old woman who started drinking at 15. From the very first moment I drank, I had to have more and more and more...one is definitely never enough for me. The one period in my life I did manage to quit was for 14 months whilst pregnant and breastfeeding. As soon as this period was over though, I was back on the rotten stuff again. Used to fill my face with the cheapest, most harmful cider and drink until I passed out/couldn't buy any more/got kicked out of whatever home or club I was in because of terribly antisocial, violent or morose behaviour. It was then that I made the decision to drink on my own at home. This was a turning point. Wanting to be by myself all the time meant that I lost friendships, hobbies, interests and relationships as my whole energy went into manipulating situations so that I could sit by myself with 2 or 3 bottles of whatever I had managed to get hold of.
This has carried on through the last twenty years of my life...I have no enthusiasm for anything, or anyone in particular (apart from my daughter...she is the one person who always makes me want to be a healthy woman). I have tried NUMEROUS times to cut down my drinking, but it has been hopeless. I need to be an abstainer...drink is definitely not for me. I have always blamed a rotten childhood (it was a sucky time without a doubt, but plenty of peple have had that without needing to justify then ruining everyone elses life they come into contact with with drunken horrendous, horrendous behaviour), stressful job, lazy/unfaithful/selfish etc etc partner...in fact ANYTHING just to legitimize my inability to stay off the drink. There was always a 'reason'...when people tried to approach me about my drinking and subsequent behaviour, I would react violently, both verbally and physically...guilt fuelling the strange sense of unfairness that I thought I was being treated with...I have shamed myself terribly hundreds of times...real vile horrible stuff that I would rather not go into and had just about given up hope of EVER being a 'normal' person until I found this website.
It is different than anything I've researched and tried before (and believe me i've been through every form of help thought possible). Reading the threads, slowly getting a handle on the guys that are sharing their thoughts and experiences here is amazing...I am now in danger of having another addiction...the bloomin' MWO forums!!! At least I used to still go into work, even with a raging hangover, now I feel like I could stay here and chat all day...something i haven't wanted to do with any friends for a long time!!
I'm excited and scared witless by the thought of no more drink, but it really is one day at a time...sort of sounding like a cliche now, but it's soooo true...DON'T think of the future..it's now and every minute and every day that I DON'T pour that first glass of wine down my neck that counts. I'm really looking forward to feeling better, prouder and looking forward to getting a life back..I'm really interested to see what sort of person I really am. I've been an aggresive, negative, selfish little twit for so long (God help me if that's nothing to do with the booze and is just what I am actually like!!!!!!!).
So, there you go...and here I am...... trying, trying, trying...... and long may it continue
I am a 36 year old woman who started drinking at 15. From the very first moment I drank, I had to have more and more and more...one is definitely never enough for me. The one period in my life I did manage to quit was for 14 months whilst pregnant and breastfeeding. As soon as this period was over though, I was back on the rotten stuff again. Used to fill my face with the cheapest, most harmful cider and drink until I passed out/couldn't buy any more/got kicked out of whatever home or club I was in because of terribly antisocial, violent or morose behaviour. It was then that I made the decision to drink on my own at home. This was a turning point. Wanting to be by myself all the time meant that I lost friendships, hobbies, interests and relationships as my whole energy went into manipulating situations so that I could sit by myself with 2 or 3 bottles of whatever I had managed to get hold of.
This has carried on through the last twenty years of my life...I have no enthusiasm for anything, or anyone in particular (apart from my daughter...she is the one person who always makes me want to be a healthy woman). I have tried NUMEROUS times to cut down my drinking, but it has been hopeless. I need to be an abstainer...drink is definitely not for me. I have always blamed a rotten childhood (it was a sucky time without a doubt, but plenty of peple have had that without needing to justify then ruining everyone elses life they come into contact with with drunken horrendous, horrendous behaviour), stressful job, lazy/unfaithful/selfish etc etc partner...in fact ANYTHING just to legitimize my inability to stay off the drink. There was always a 'reason'...when people tried to approach me about my drinking and subsequent behaviour, I would react violently, both verbally and physically...guilt fuelling the strange sense of unfairness that I thought I was being treated with...I have shamed myself terribly hundreds of times...real vile horrible stuff that I would rather not go into and had just about given up hope of EVER being a 'normal' person until I found this website.
It is different than anything I've researched and tried before (and believe me i've been through every form of help thought possible). Reading the threads, slowly getting a handle on the guys that are sharing their thoughts and experiences here is amazing...I am now in danger of having another addiction...the bloomin' MWO forums!!! At least I used to still go into work, even with a raging hangover, now I feel like I could stay here and chat all day...something i haven't wanted to do with any friends for a long time!!
I'm excited and scared witless by the thought of no more drink, but it really is one day at a time...sort of sounding like a cliche now, but it's soooo true...DON'T think of the future..it's now and every minute and every day that I DON'T pour that first glass of wine down my neck that counts. I'm really looking forward to feeling better, prouder and looking forward to getting a life back..I'm really interested to see what sort of person I really am. I've been an aggresive, negative, selfish little twit for so long (God help me if that's nothing to do with the booze and is just what I am actually like!!!!!!!).
So, there you go...and here I am...... trying, trying, trying...... and long may it continue
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