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weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 09:55 PM
Hi.....10 days AF now, and I'm going to whinge...I apologise first to everybody, I know lots of people are having a REALLY tough time, and there have been some especially sad threads recently. There have also been some great celebrations too, and it seems so selfish to put a 'downer' post in....but...I don't know who else I can talk to.......I'm just warning you...please, if things are really grotty for you right now, don't read on..., but if you CAN bear my moaning...I would really appreciate a bit of input. I feel quite ridiculous, nothing terrible is happening for me and yet I'm having such a tough time with this.
I told myself from the beginning that I would use humour to cope with this...I told myself that I would turn the cravings into the 'monster slaying' visualisations. I told myself that I would be glad to feel healthy...There are people writing in who have given up booze, cigs, drugs, and are eating great, going to the gym and just really going for it! There are other people who are AF with no supps, haven't read the book etc, and they are still going for it. All I am doing is struggling desperately to stop drinking, and yet it is CONSUMING every waking moment. I don't know what day it is half the time, My flulike feelings, headaches and nightmares are increasing daily. (although I think I may have reached a bit of a peak). It got REALLY bad on Friday...I had made it through Wed and Thurs very hairily, which is the start of my 'weekend', but Friday was a pig of a day! I NEEDED to plug in here, and then I found out that our laptop had disappeared down to Christchurch with the Man.....I really couldn't cope...I mean I really couldn't cope...I rang him 'where's the computer, I need the computer" (I was practically screaming...incensed with rage...if he had have appeared there and then, I would have done something hideous). I don't drive, I'm miles away from the nearest internet cafe and I freaked...My mother in law is staying and I felt like an idiot...pacing up and down..'how could he, how could he???? I NEED THE COMPUTER..." There was a carton of vino in the cupboard. I took it out and put it back about 6 times...I paced, and then I made myself go to bed...I stayed there all night and sobbed and sobbed...I ripped up a book that I tried to read coz I couldn't see the words...I bit and tore at the duvet like a nutter..screaming into the material so MIL couldn't hear..I jumped up and down on the floor for AGES trying to make myself so tired I went to sleep...I took a few sleeping tablets, (just to sleep) and then scared myself silly, because of the heart racing and the dizziness...so I made myself throw up...I sat for the rest of the night, crying and crying, and making it worse by trying to remember every horrible thing I have ever done after drinking to stop me grabbing that wine...this made me feel MUCH worse...I can't write the stuff down because some of it is just too gross for words.
Look...how can I know how crap the alc. is for me...how can I regret soooo many things I have done, to the point of sometimes (in the past) seriously wanting to take my life just so I never behave this way to people again....and yet still crave exactly what's caused all the crap in the first place...What??????? is the matter with me. These feelings are escalating every night...Does it calm down???
Once again...I'm sorry...I don't want to load you guys up, everyone here is having a tough time, but if you can offer something...I would be grateful...thanks weepsychoticwhinysadmelonhead

blondie
December 16th, 2006, 10:16 PM
Weeyou'llgetthoughitmelonhead

Hi Melon

blondie
December 16th, 2006, 10:30 PM
Weeyou'llgetthoughitmelonhead

Hi Melon
I logged on now to write a similar cry for help as you (but not quite as bad as yours!) From about 9am this mornign I've wanted a drink, I've not been intersted in anything, I've been grumpy and rude and teary and angy and.... I've been reading here and even thinking for once this isn't helping, I need something more than this!! But as I sit here with all those emotions surging through me, I keep hearing a faint voice deep down (struggling to be heard above that boorish old drunk in me!) saying that I've suppressed emotions for so long and it's a natural part of life to experience them all. It's hurting and I can't explain it and my only known response is to drink, but something is stopping me (it's now 1220pm, so at least I've got past that!) It really is a roller coaster and you have been doing amazingly well and been so upbeat and humorous and supportive particularly at the start of your own journey! But even after all your angst you still didn't succumb to a drink, don't you think that's a monumental change?!
I'm sorry I can't offer much more help to get you through, but I know that in my anger, I know I'd be so much more f**d off if I drank today when I'm trying to get to 40 days next week.
And I'm going to drink just why precisely? because there's an emotion I can't deal with? Might as well get my alcohol IV, as there'll be a heck of a lot more of them bombarding me!
So Weehappymelonhead, thanks for your insightful humour on these boards and I hope you get through today! (Permission to insert said laptop in certain Man's orifice on his return!!)
Love
Blondie

dove
December 16th, 2006, 10:48 PM
I think when you stop any drug your brain is so used to having that influence that it goes 'crazy". Have you seen that commercial on tv about quitting smoking where your brain makes so many receptors for nicotine that when you try to quit they SCREAM 'GIVE ME NICOTINE!'? It is probably the same for alcohol just that those receptors don't REALLY scream until you are under stress or celebrating or whatever our trigger for drinking is. We need to realize our triggers and have ways to cope. I know this but am not at the point to do it yet. Maybe we can figure it out together.
dove

weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 10:54 PM
Permission granted!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondie...thank you sooo much for replying when you're obviously going through a terrible day of your own, y'see, this is the thing that stops me writing posts like this. Everyone has got a deal on, and I feel terribly guilty about sucking their last little bit of energy out...I know it's not all about me, and I REALLY don't want this to fail (yet abloodygain).....I do try and be upbeat, but it's got harder and harder each day, humour is the only side to my personality that could even remotely be described as positive after 20 years of character changing drinking, so I'm determined to flog it to death!!!! 40 days next week.......Missus..if you can feel like I do and get to 40 days, I think I may have to include you in the MWO superhero catalogue I am mentally creating every time I log on
And you're right...I'm not used to dealing with emotion...Well I am, but I always use that glorious little antidote called booze...That's a new thought, other people have ups and downs, and they get on with it without feeling the need to skull 3 bottles of wine...???????? I'm keeping going, but crikey, it's hard, I'm finding it hard......Oh WHY is it so hard???

Thanks Blondie...you're a doll (and my next door neighbour I think....G'day...and I hope the rest of it really is a Good Day for you)
Ta VERY muchly ...big hugs Weegoingtobedearlyafteruppingthebaclofenandclawing attheduvetIdon't wanttodrinkandit'sallrighttocrymelonhead xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:04 PM
HEY - one of the reasons you are here is because everyone here wants to help. Regardless of what you have seen posted in the past, people here DON"T MIND using all their energy helping others. I've only been here a short while and have determined that when that is a concern it is because of a long past that us newbies are not privey. I don't think you should ever feel bad about calling out for help here. I DON'T!
dove

weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 11:08 PM
Thanks Dove..I think you're right...I agree that my brain really is a lot mental a ce moment...I'm so confused, I have found myself talking to people as though I HAVE been drinking..slurring words, forgeting very basic words, forgetting in the middle of a sentence what i am going on about. I have also been switching from insanely nice and smiley tolerant person to terribly irritable unreasonable sobbing loon in a matter of seconds. I just want to move to a little house way away from anyone and EVERY damn liquor store or bar and stay there for about 5 years until I think I've kicked it...I also keep seeing things..is this normal, I keep thinking I see people hiding round corners, fuzzy sort of images out of the corner of my eye that disapear if i look directly, I also caught my self swatting at flies that aren't there, a bit like those sort of floater things you get on your eyeball sometimes...........All these things haven't really had a trigger, they seem to have been building steadily from day one anyway, Thanks Dove...ALL advice is good advice as it makes me think about something else, and also keeps my fingers posting replies instead of getting a glass out of the cupboard. Thanks for replying....I do so appreciate it...truly

weenuthead (I actually think that designing new names for myself may also keep me occupied!)

weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 11:12 PM
Ta Dove...I think we're posting at the same time, so I will always seem to have ignored your previous post!!! Either that or this is another symptom of my AF lunacy.....thanks for the hint...I don't want to drain people...I've done so much of that my entire drinking life...this is where I want it to stop, but I promise never to gagg on unless I really, really, need it Weeneedyhead

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:22 PM
Okay, so you describe how I felt before starting on an antidepressant med about a month and a half ago. The rediculus(SP?) different moods within minutes! My thing is getting so aggrivated and irritated that I was mean to anyone around me. More level with the meds. I was the same way many years ago in high school and forced to take the meds which I hated... but now I chose to take them and am so much better. Do you have a doc you can go to? Lots say you can't drink on them but you will be okay if you do. If you don't want to go to your regular doctor try a local collage or cheap clinic - they would be glad to see you I'm sure... a break from the norm in the respect that you ACTUALLY want to get help, not just some easy drugs! I go to my local collage nurse practitioner and she is more helpful than most regular doctors I know. It seems some family doctors get stuck in a rut of what they see, what they prescribe, la, la, la, and someone that deals with lots of progressive problems and meds on a regular basis is more helpful.
Do you have someplace like this nearby? I go to the health center on the local campus.
Dove

Helensback
December 16th, 2006, 11:23 PM
Weemelonhead

Hey Wee,

Thinking about ya up here in Canada land.
Have you seen a doctor about some of these symptoms? ie. images and flies and whatnot?
Could be something he or she could advise - even if to ease your mind a bit.
Hang in. God, I am impressed you haven't reached for the bottle with what you are going through.
Seems to me that you are going to beat this bloody thing.

Helen

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:30 PM
Like I said, NO ONEs here to drain people, just to vent and get help.

weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 11:34 PM
Dove...I don't think I can take Anti Ds with the baclofen, but it is worth finding out about...have tried them many times when I have previously tried to kick the bucket...sorry, I mean habit, and was up to the top dose that doc could prescribe and it didn't do much good...will probably be much better though without the added involvement of the might Red W...I do NOT want to go to my family doc as he is helping with our residency app. at the moment....I don't know wether immigration would be too chuffed to find out that one of their applicants has been drunken sot for most of their life!!!
Hi Helen, and thank you sweetie...you've got it going on at the moment too, so you are a cherub to send a post (b.t.w...did you get my pm...I sometimes muck that up, I know I tried to send one to Andy and had to re-send as I did something wrong or the pooter went a bit bonkers...hope you did..if not, I'll trot it out again..I felt for you sooo much after one of your recent posts).
Again, not sure I want to reveal to the doc that I am having funny sort of hallucinationy type thingy's, ....I don't want a red stamp on my passport...My entire drinking life, and subsequent trouble is back in Blighty...I really need this new start...in every way....Thanks gals for your time....Much love Melonmania

weemelonhead
December 16th, 2006, 11:36 PM
Thanks Dove...sorry, I am listening to you, just very conscious that I don't want to abuse ANYONE in my new shared house xxxWMH

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:37 PM
What's baclofen?

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:41 PM
Are you sure the hallucinations aren't drink induced worries?

dove
December 16th, 2006, 11:45 PM
My dogs are snoring!!!

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 12:00 AM
Dove

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 12:00 AM
Your posts are

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 12:00 AM
Making me more dizzy

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 12:03 AM
Baclofen is an anti spasticity medication. I have read a load of stuff though on the internet, namely one very interesting study by a french (I think) surgeon who was a chronic alcoholic, who used baclofen to stop drinking completely...it is also mentioned on this site, or links or something. It's definately helping, but you increase the dose very gradually over a number of days...I'm hoping that when I'm on top whack, it will make things more manageable. Definitely doing something though.....

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 12:07 AM
Don't know about the hallucination thing...all I know is, my partner looks at me very strangely when I'm batting away at nothing......I will moniter them though...if they get very much worse, or at least don't seem to be subsiding, I'll go to someone...HATE going to someone though...really don't like describing what I am to people....I'll put up with the 'lurkers' and the 'flies' for a bit longer...It's early days, and I've been drinking for a LONG time...there's bound to be some sort of werirdness...isn't there.....that's what I want to know...has any one else had this????

xtexan
December 17th, 2006, 12:24 AM
Hi Weemelonhead:

Yep. I've seen all sorts of weird shit at times. The ones I hated the worst were shadows moving around along the walls, like somebody was walking around, casting a shadow on the wall. Sometimes I thought my dogs had gotten into the house, and were running around super fast, and hiding from me. I would have to check the backyard to see if they were still out there where they belong. Very scary.

I have a theory about this, and I can tell what helped me. Those type of hallucinations I believe are related to serotonin chemistry in the brain being disrupted. The booze messes up so many chemicals in our brains, and when we stop drinking, the brain goes sort of berserk.

I take a supplement called 5-HTP. It has done wonders for my sleep, and depression, and overall outlook. It is converted to serotonin in your brain, and may help with hallucinations and sleeping problems. I still take it, because it lets me sleep so deeply and peacefully even today. It make jar you awake at night if you take too much, because the dreams will be in dolby surround technicolor.

Of course, if it gets really bad, please see a doctor. I just offer this as something that worked for me.

Neil

dove
December 17th, 2006, 12:54 AM
What Neil describes is what some new antidepressants do. Just go talk to some doctor that does't have any personal take to you. You can always tell if you like a doctor or not. If you don't like him/her go talk to someone else. My take on a doctor is one that doesn't judge me. They are like, oh yeah, I have other patients that take this med ( a sign other drinkers STILL see this doctor) and have seen results. Believe me, I am the queen of ditching a doc if I don't like them. I can tell in the first meeting.
dove

dove
December 17th, 2006, 12:56 AM
sorry about making you dizzy. I was just bored.

Popeye
December 17th, 2006, 04:44 AM
Hi Melon
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time but that's the nature of the beast that we are dealing with.
Don't ever feel bad about posting. That is what this place is for, venting your feelings and getting stuff off your chest. Humour is a great way of dealing with a problem, but nobody can feel like that all the time. Just as you won't feel as bad as you do now all the time. You are doing great.
:h

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 06:16 AM
Neil....thank you Mr Birthday! ... (your achievement gave me a much needed lift on Saturday) Yes...I do the 5htp too...started taking it about 5 years ago when the anti's were clearly not working, and I read about it on the internet...would much rather take naturals than meds anyway, but even this is not having the desired effect. Wary of taking a higher dose though as I have read that long term use is not good for the liver, and after all that my poor old little lump has been through, I am scared to test it any further. Thanks for sharing your shadow men...this is what mine are like, only they don't really move a lot, I just 'see' people out of the corner of my eyes, for some reason, usually behind corners, first one I saw was when I took my hell hound for a walk about 8 days ago...I take him through a very dark area of bush (kiwi nature reserve type place) at 5:00am before work and thought someone was following me, when I looked, he slid behind a tree...I stopped going there, but then realised my 'stalker' was everywhere, and was in some way connected to the AF....can you remember roughly how long it took before this went away...it's very un-nerving?
Dove...I was teasing, (I will use humour, I will use humour......said through very unhumerous gritted teeth) thank you for the posts!!!
Pauly boy (have you washed those underpants yet?) thanks...you are right, it is the nature, but as Blondie so rightly said, I am not used to dealing with a prob without the booze....John Lennon once said that he cursed Sir walter Raleigh, he was such a bloody git (in ref to tobacco I think) Well I send the same sentiment to whoever first thought it would be a good idea to make a distillary!!! (although the phrase bad workmen etc does spring to mind....I definitely blame my tool)
Thank you guys....I did lock myself in the bedromm for a few hours, but have now felt it safe to come out, your posts were good to come back to.....day 10 AF and counting xxx Weenotsoincontrolbutstickingwithitanywaymelonhead. (Definitely noticing the melonhead shrinking though...)

weemelonhead
December 17th, 2006, 09:32 AM
Hey dove...how do you keep going to see a new doctor...don't you have to enrol and stuff...and pass over med records...perhaps this is easier in other countries than in NZ...are there any Kiwis out there who have experience in this...or can recommend someone understanding that I could try?????

dove
December 17th, 2006, 12:06 PM
I've moved around so much I just don't bother transfering any type of medical records. I usally do homeopathic stuff if I am not feeling well so only am at a doctor when something is REALLY wrong. I would just tell them you have no records and start from new if you are worried about the family doc knowing. Just be sure to be fully honest about your health history and current state cause that decides what meds - or lack of meds - can be helpful. If you know what type of doctor you prefer call around and ask some questions too. You know, male/female (I don't do well baring everything to a man), young/old, likes to talk about stuff or not. You could also ask over the phone, as to be anonymous, if he/she has or is currently treating patients for the same type of stuff and if people keep coming back.
Dove

mac
December 18th, 2006, 12:04 PM
Probably not the most insightful entry but have you tried having some nice (and filling) things available to eat in the fridge and some 'safe ' drinks. I sometimes find if I have somthing to eat the 'notion ' goes. Cold meets , bread , cheese etc - not much prep and they provide thet full feeling quick. I appreciate some extra cals but the alternative.....
mac

weemelonhead
December 19th, 2006, 11:32 AM
Yeah...thanks Mac...I do this, but usually with very spicy or sweet foods...I find it hard to drink more wine after a packet of cookies or an eye watering curry....it was a bad night that night though...you know the sort?? NOTHING seems to fill the urge more than the thought of a drink....it was all consuming, and unfortunately, I am an over emotional old trout at the best of times...
Dove, Thanks for the doc tips...I am having a good day now...after a day or two of gardening, and section clearing...I sort of think it's not worth it then, when it's going well, but I know the next time I get these feelings, I will wish I had...I am taking the phone book down to the call box (can't ring from home as MIL is ALWAYS there) and will make enquiries....thank you for your advice....

As I said, I do feel better today, and yeah Blondie soooooo much better than I would have done if I had had a drink that night...13th day of AF, and physically, feeling much better, I am up to 'getting physical' now, have taken two weeks off work, and have a good sized list of really tough jobs in the garden to do...started these on Monday and have made great headway....feel amazing when I look at the results of my efforts in the morning..really spurs me on to do more and more.....It's the first time I have seen the earth of one corner of the garden for 3 years!!!!!! Thanks guys for your input......I'm still with it.....

Much love......mighty(er)melon xxx