Hi.....10 days AF now, and I'm going to whinge...I apologise first to everybody, I know lots of people are having a REALLY tough time, and there have been some especially sad threads recently. There have also been some great celebrations too, and it seems so selfish to put a 'downer' post in....but...I don't know who else I can talk to.......I'm just warning you...please, if things are really grotty for you right now, don't read on..., but if you CAN bear my moaning...I would really appreciate a bit of input. I feel quite ridiculous, nothing terrible is happening for me and yet I'm having such a tough time with this.
I told myself from the beginning that I would use humour to cope with this...I told myself that I would turn the cravings into the 'monster slaying' visualisations. I told myself that I would be glad to feel healthy...There are people writing in who have given up booze, cigs, drugs, and are eating great, going to the gym and just really going for it! There are other people who are AF with no supps, haven't read the book etc, and they are still going for it. All I am doing is struggling desperately to stop drinking, and yet it is CONSUMING every waking moment. I don't know what day it is half the time, My flulike feelings, headaches and nightmares are increasing daily. (although I think I may have reached a bit of a peak). It got REALLY bad on Friday...I had made it through Wed and Thurs very hairily, which is the start of my 'weekend', but Friday was a pig of a day! I NEEDED to plug in here, and then I found out that our laptop had disappeared down to Christchurch with the Man.....I really couldn't cope...I mean I really couldn't cope...I rang him 'where's the computer, I need the computer" (I was practically screaming...incensed with rage...if he had have appeared there and then, I would have done something hideous). I don't drive, I'm miles away from the nearest internet cafe and I freaked...My mother in law is staying and I felt like an idiot...pacing up and down..'how could he, how could he???? I NEED THE COMPUTER..." There was a carton of vino in the cupboard. I took it out and put it back about 6 times...I paced, and then I made myself go to bed...I stayed there all night and sobbed and sobbed...I ripped up a book that I tried to read coz I couldn't see the words...I bit and tore at the duvet like a nutter..screaming into the material so MIL couldn't hear..I jumped up and down on the floor for AGES trying to make myself so tired I went to sleep...I took a few sleeping tablets, (just to sleep) and then scared myself silly, because of the heart racing and the dizziness...so I made myself throw up...I sat for the rest of the night, crying and crying, and making it worse by trying to remember every horrible thing I have ever done after drinking to stop me grabbing that wine...this made me feel MUCH worse...I can't write the stuff down because some of it is just too gross for words.
Look...how can I know how crap the alc. is for me...how can I regret soooo many things I have done, to the point of sometimes (in the past) seriously wanting to take my life just so I never behave this way to people again....and yet still crave exactly what's caused all the crap in the first place...What??????? is the matter with me. These feelings are escalating every night...Does it calm down???
Once again...I'm sorry...I don't want to load you guys up, everyone here is having a tough time, but if you can offer something...I would be grateful...thanks weepsychoticwhinysadmelonhead
I told myself from the beginning that I would use humour to cope with this...I told myself that I would turn the cravings into the 'monster slaying' visualisations. I told myself that I would be glad to feel healthy...There are people writing in who have given up booze, cigs, drugs, and are eating great, going to the gym and just really going for it! There are other people who are AF with no supps, haven't read the book etc, and they are still going for it. All I am doing is struggling desperately to stop drinking, and yet it is CONSUMING every waking moment. I don't know what day it is half the time, My flulike feelings, headaches and nightmares are increasing daily. (although I think I may have reached a bit of a peak). It got REALLY bad on Friday...I had made it through Wed and Thurs very hairily, which is the start of my 'weekend', but Friday was a pig of a day! I NEEDED to plug in here, and then I found out that our laptop had disappeared down to Christchurch with the Man.....I really couldn't cope...I mean I really couldn't cope...I rang him 'where's the computer, I need the computer" (I was practically screaming...incensed with rage...if he had have appeared there and then, I would have done something hideous). I don't drive, I'm miles away from the nearest internet cafe and I freaked...My mother in law is staying and I felt like an idiot...pacing up and down..'how could he, how could he???? I NEED THE COMPUTER..." There was a carton of vino in the cupboard. I took it out and put it back about 6 times...I paced, and then I made myself go to bed...I stayed there all night and sobbed and sobbed...I ripped up a book that I tried to read coz I couldn't see the words...I bit and tore at the duvet like a nutter..screaming into the material so MIL couldn't hear..I jumped up and down on the floor for AGES trying to make myself so tired I went to sleep...I took a few sleeping tablets, (just to sleep) and then scared myself silly, because of the heart racing and the dizziness...so I made myself throw up...I sat for the rest of the night, crying and crying, and making it worse by trying to remember every horrible thing I have ever done after drinking to stop me grabbing that wine...this made me feel MUCH worse...I can't write the stuff down because some of it is just too gross for words.
Look...how can I know how crap the alc. is for me...how can I regret soooo many things I have done, to the point of sometimes (in the past) seriously wanting to take my life just so I never behave this way to people again....and yet still crave exactly what's caused all the crap in the first place...What??????? is the matter with me. These feelings are escalating every night...Does it calm down???
Once again...I'm sorry...I don't want to load you guys up, everyone here is having a tough time, but if you can offer something...I would be grateful...thanks weepsychoticwhinysadmelonhead
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