female - need male perspective

[Lost Soul]

Hi all,
Hope your doing well,

I haven't been here in a while,
have been al free 11 months have a 10 week baby

Have been dealing with partner with a porn addiction, bear in mind im an alkie too so am not just throwing around the word 'addiction'. This all only came to light about 4 months ago (7 1/2 months pregnant)

I couldn't take anymore and he moved out a week ago. I'm just not strong enough to deal with this and am so lost and sad.

[Supercrew]

female - need male perspective

Do you have a question about porn or about what you should do?

[CS04]

female - need male perspective

Lost Soul.
I am female so cannot answer your "male perspective" question. But I think what you did was absolutely right, with a new baby in the house, and you trying to keep yourself AF. Congrats on the 11 months, btw! I have a 5 year old son and have been grappling, openly here on MWO, for some time. I know what it is like to have these struggles while being a new mom. Porn boyfriend is a whole 'nother story. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your child. Tell that to yourself every waking minute.

[Supercrew]

female - need male perspective

Sorry for answering, but I thought this was a guy's forum asking for a male perspective. I guess I will stick to the alcohol forum.

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

Thanks
I don't really know what I want advice wise

I'm not really wanting to debate the pros/cons of porn
It could be gambling, alcohol or heroine, but for an addict - the outcome is the same...

I know the behaiviours surrounding AL addiction, the maddness in your head, the compulsion - these behaviours are not well hidden and at stressful times are not well hidden are more obvious - as you turn to your 'drug of choice' for comfort and escapism.
And my partner has them.
I know in my heart he is not ready to accept he has a problem, and I guess my heart aches because of the relationship that has been sacrafised because of it.

And although I know exactly where he is at the moment it doesn't make any difference. :upset:

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

Hi Lost soul.

Congratulations on your young one, AND, your sensational 11 months AF. Keep it going won't you!

For some men and women, sex and/or pornography is a recognised addiction and problem. I know there are groups around, just like AA, called sex addicts anonomous or similar, so maybe start with your doctor, in getting info. Of course, your partner has to acknowledge any problem and want to do something about it. There are also groups around for partner's/families of addicts such as 'al-anon' for alcoholics. There may well be similar support groups for yourself nearby, or most likely on the internet. Google it and see.

Best wishes on your journey.

G-bloke.

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Lost Soul--I too congratulate you on becoming a Mom, your new life AND maintaining your sobriety throughout your trials with a PA. I've debated whether to post this and well, my decision is obvious. It could be a part of my "story" really. My drinking began escalating during/following this relationship. Funny I went from a "partner" who is a AP right into a PA. Still trying to figure out why I chose these people on a subconscious level. One thing is for sure, had I listened to my intuition and sought help sooner it would have been less painful in the end and I would not have lost so much of myself. There are forums out there for SO's of PA's. I'll warn you the prognosis is not good. I installed the program Convenant Eyes while I was still hopeful that dude would recover through counseling. I had some counseling sessions as well. Oh, he dropped the case and I believe he is still actively engaged in his addiction to this day.

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

Many thanks The longer I stay AF the easier it is getting, although I will try to never lose sight of what it has cost me. I never want to forget because I never want to go back!

Thankyou for that last post, it was really insightful. it is shocking to see what awful effects addiction can have on our lives,Hopefully these experiences will make us stronger.

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

...sorry...posted too soon!

Dude seemed like a really manipulative person, you have been through hell and back with your experience with him,how are you doing with AL now?

Can I ask if what happened has had an affect on you still, with trust?

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

LS--alot of addicts learn to lie and PA is pretty addictive. Right up there with cocaine. I couldn't take the lies and his own self hate being projected on me. Unpredictable, moody, irresponsible blah blah

Good for you not wanting to go "back there". 11 months is fantastic and a new baby to love.:h

Trust is a good question. I've always pretty much trusted the universe but the universe has knocked me around a bit the last 10 years. I'm not under but I don't think look out world anymore either. Kinda sad this age thing sometimes.

That didn't answer your question and I don't think I can atm. He'd have to be something special. A jenkie haha
take care

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

RingingCedars;1199080 wrote: LS--alot of addicts learn to lie and PA is pretty addictive. Right up there with cocaine. I couldn't take the lies and his own self hate being projected on me. Unpredictable, moody, irresponsible blah blah

Good for you not wanting to go "back there". 11 months is fantastic and a new baby to love.:h

Trust is a good question. I've always pretty much trusted the universe but the universe has knocked me around a bit the last 10 years. I'm not under but I don't think look out world anymore either. Kinda sad this age thing sometimes.

That didn't answer your question and I don't think I can atm. He'd have to be something special. A jenkie haha
take care

RC.

I'm going to stick my fat 'lump of clay' style nose into your business here.

You are beautiful, you are special, and you are ripping yourself off big time with the dwelling on past events. How do we move on and stop abusing ourselves? I have no simple answer to that, or a magic wand, but i do know that ANYTHING is possible, and we can be healthy again. BUT....... The first step towards that will be uncomfortable, and that step is the removal of alcohol from our lives. This is where we start the journey into healing. Enough dwelling and being stuck in the past. We only have the now. Easy for me to say? Yes and no. I have my own story. We all do, with all being valid and precious.
A magical word comes to mind right now. ACTION.

You may have to help (push) yourself along towards this step. Are you ready? No? Good. No worries. Do it anyway. Do what you have to do to end the misery, the dwelling, the pain, the broken record, the madness. Enough with the emotional damage already. Banish it, step by step. Our bodies when drinking tell us we need booze to feel normal. This is understandable, a known fact, and a chemical reaction inside us. But when we remove the alcohol, our body will then re-wire itself and re-learn that NO booze in our system is actually NORMAL.

What have you got to lose? What? Peace of mind? Tranquility? Happiness? Self respect? What? If you can answer 'what you have got to lose', then i am a bigger idiot than i thought, and i will go home.

Easy? NO!

Possible and do-able? YES!

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Lost Soul?Mr. G?s post made me realize I did not answer your question about how I?m doing with AL now. I was not trying to avoid it. It just went out of mind while contemplating the trust issue.

These days I am still modifying my moderation goal. The goal is allowing myself to drink when I want and how much I want. The real modification work for me is in determining the why of the want. Do I want to drink just to get blotto and forget my life? NO. Did I? YES for a couple of years(give or take). Do I now? It is getting to be a rare occasion.

At this point in time I?ve been ?allowing? myself a bottle of wine a couple times a week unless I?m giving myself another small af period. I do drink that bottle(750ml) in one night. I really wish it was a 600ml bottle, truthfully. Yes, I still have a control issue when that bottle is sitting open on the counter. I?ve had to put measures in place at home so that I don?t drink more than that bottle. So be it.

I?ve also been able to move myself out of victim mode and find the support group I needed to deal with parental alienation, which still has me alienated with my two children while I?m now in contact with my oldest. I don?t get to pick up where the alienation started though and be the loving, engaged mother of the 11 year old child who was brainwashed. This is still an extremely difficult part of my life.

I can go out with friends/family and just have a drink and it does not ignite a want to go running off alone and get hammered. There are times when I think why bother at all but, as someone on the boards astutely pointed out we all have our addictions. If mine is a couple of bottles of wine a week, then I can live with that. I sometimes post silly stuff when I?ve been drinking and that is a concern to me. While I get my humour, I know that many don?t and think I?m right off the wall. Probably some do anyways. Lol

Hope that answers your question and I don?t mind sharing my journey with you.

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Here?s a lump of clay Mr. G. I think I cracked yer nose. Jk I appreciate your passion and desire to motivate me.

I think I should clarify that I?m not stuck in the past. It is what it is. My final dealing with the porn addict was in August of this year when he dropped his ridiculous claim against me. That is definitely done and dusted. It does not mean that I will not be much more discerning in future relationships(if there is to be one).

I am still stuck in mourning for my children to some degree. This is my present. I?d have to be pretty cold hearted not to be imo. Judging by all the truly alienated parents (at the hands of an angry, vindictive ex)I speak with, it is a huge hurdle to move on healthy, happy and successful. This is where support of peers is invaluable and I think I literally owe my life to this group.

I had stopped drinking for a 4 year period prior to my separation. Not that I was experiencing any real issues with al. I was zealously studying the bible and nutrition at the time and felt compelled to be a better me. I was raising 3 children, running a business and home, completing my correspondence studies, teaching Sunday School, sitting on parent council and played baseball and bowled. I had been a stay at home mother, isolated in an unfamiliar town until this point and my controlling ex did NOT like the growth in me. As the marriage broke down I began to make my own friends and drink socially again. Several years later I did start to self medicate more and more with al as the alienation continued and my new relationship was becoming a nightmare, which brought me here(MWO) at my lowest point in my life.

While the point is still pretty low in my life I have managed to swing the al pendulum the other way. I am very proud of myself for that. I believe I am changing the chemistry in my brain and my want to self medicate is becoming less and less.

Why bother at all? What good does it serve me? It is nice to enjoy a social drink with friends/family. It is nice to come home some nights and relax with a bottle of wine. Will I let it control my life? I doubt it.

This brings me to your question what have I got to lose. I think I would lose some self respect(this is me only, I?m not judging anyone else) if I let al be my master and forced me to give up the pleasurable aspects of al. tbc I am my master and have been relearning how to be that with support from friends, MWO, my PAS group and a lot of self reflection.

Addictions come in many shapes and forms my friend. Neither of us should go home.

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

Hiya RC,

Can i ask, and tell me to mind my own business, but are you able see your kids at all? That must be so bloody difficult.

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

RingingCedars;1199443 wrote:


Addictions come in many shapes and forms my friend. Neither of us should go home.

I don't agree. Addiction is addiction. It is ruthless, the same story/theme for everyone, and difficult to control once we have crossed that line to 'problem drinker/substance abuser'. But our way out of addiction can take many shapes and forms.