AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone:

I just read the end of last week's AA thread. It was pretty incredible!

I think what struck me were all the near-misses I had while I was drinking. I did a lot of things drunk, including driving a car. But, I never got stopped. That said: I had plenty of mishaps as a result of drinking.

Saturday night's discussion meeting was about the wreckage of our past. I had to admit that my wreckage was more internal than external. I completely lost my integrity & moral compass. Alcoholism is a disease of mind, body, & spirit. And, while I was sick in mind & body, my spirit suffered the most damage. I lied every day of the week by hiding my drinking from the people closest to me. What a relief to be leading an honest life. If I do something wrong, all I have to do is admit it & make amends.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Mary, I like the topic of living a more honest life. I never thought of myself as "dishonest" while I was drinking. But I was sure fooling myself. All the sneaking and hiding and lying about the drinking. Ugh. Life really is a lot simpler these days, and I sure feel so much better inside now that I am becoming a more honest individual. Sometimes it is hard for me to put the truth forward. (and making amends as needed, right away) But it's something I'm really working on, and reaping the rewards of improved relationships as a result.

One of my sponsees is going to be telling her story for the first time at an NA meeting Friday night. I can't wait to go support her and hear her! She is truly fortunate to be alive. What a gift to be a small part of her recovery and to watch her blossom and grow. It has been especially heart warming to see her connecting with her children.

DG

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Living an honest life is absolutely my biggest gift of the program. m

[4theboyz]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

I am still very new at this AA stuff and the one thing that stands out for me is I have known for 5 years at least that I am an alcoholic. It was admitting I was an alcoholic that was the biggest step forward I made. I did that 4 years ago now. BUT the single biggest and hardest step so far was understanding I am an alcoholic and what that really meant. And over 3 weeks into it knowing I am an alcoholic and having a basic understanding of what that means is really liberating in that I now know that even though I may be powerless over my ability to ever drink alcohol that doesn't mean I am powerless over what I do when I am sober. I have the choice to drink or to live a sober life. Of course we in AA choose to live a sober and very grateful alcoholic life. And oddly that makes me acutely aware of the ugly awful things I have said and done while under the influence. Being liquored up is certainly no excuse for bad behavior but it certainly serves as a painful reminder of what even a sip of alcohol can do to fuck up our lives.

I choose to live one more day sober and I hope you do too!

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

4: I too knew a long time ago that I didn't drink normally, & yes, I admitted to being an alcoholic right here at MWO before I set foot at an AA meeting. I knew that:
-hiding bottles around the house
-sneakily disposing of empties
-refilling bottles I had emptied
-lieing about how much I drank
-refilling when nobody was looking
-etc.
was not normal & in fact was alcohlic behavior.

I didn't know I needed more...AA to be specific...in order to stop. I just couldn't stop on my own, much as I wanted to.

I hear about relapse every single week at AA meetings & know I'm as vulnerable as the next person. Yesterday, I had a pretty stressful day. While I was dealing w/life on life's terms, the thought of a drink popped into my mind. That's alcoholism. My husband who isn't an alcoholic also had a stressful day as well. He never thought about cracking open a bottle of wine or having a shot of Jameson. Only me, because that's how alcoholics think.

If I didn't have meetings I would be drinking. No doubt about it.

You don't have to get every concept of AA. You have plenty of time to understand the steps. Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing fine. Don't let denial cloud your vision.

Mary

[4theboyz]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Mary,

The part that scares me the most is seeing just how fragile this sobriety that all AA members hang on to really is. Last night a lady who is 10+ years sober was rattled to the core on her recent urges to drink. I am at day 17 and really seem to have corralled my urge to drink as I am keeping myself very active to avoid the sitting in a comfy chair dreaming of a martini on the table next to me. The less I revisit old routines and shift into new more healthier choice routines the less I think about it.

Still I cannot fully escape all challenges of my everyday life that Vodka was so effective at erasing away the stressors that came with what I do everyday. sigh....

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

4: You are so right! Urges & relapses can happen to any one of us. A guy that came into AA w/me 3 years ago recently relapsed & came back again. Another guy went out & drank after 10+ years in the program. Another guy went out & stayed out for a while after 17 years. He just came back a year ago.

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

4: There is a phenomenon known as the "pink cloud" when everything about sobriety looks very wonderful & rosy. Sometimes it never wears off. For me, I'm still very grateful to be sober & don't think about drinking very much at all. I like the sober life & can be around mod drinking wo/feeling cheated. However, there are certain types of stressors that can trigger an urge to drink. Alcoholics' brains work differently than other peoples'. When something triggers us, our sypases say: "A drink will help." That's why I don't let my more disgusting drinking memories go out of my mind. I need a reality check when I feel like "just one" won't hurt.

I haven't awakened in the morning w/a hangover for 3 years.
I haven't thrown up in 3 years.
I haven't slurred my words or passed out in 3 years.
I haven't pretended to be sober when I'm not in 3 years.
I haven't had a black-out in 3 years.

None of the above would be possible if I were still drinking. I have to remember that when drinking seems like it might be an option.

M

[Doggygirl]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Today I feel like I am on the "pink cloud." I am grateful for every day I feel like that!

I was thinking as I was driving around this morning about saying out loud "I'm an alcoholic" at every meeting I attend. Some people take exception to the word "alcoholic" and view it as a very negative label. I used to think that exact same thing. I am not out to change anyone else's mind about their view of this important word. I can only say that my own view of it has changed as it related to me and my own alcoholism.

The pathways in my brain are well worn to think of DRINKING as the solution to every problem. I lived that way for over 30 years. The chemistry in my brain does not change over night. Those pathways are still there. Every time I say out loud that I am alcoholic, I do not feel bad about it. I don't feel I'm degrading myself with an ugly label. I simply feel I am reminding myself of a truth that I am well served not to forget.

If I forget what happens when I drink, (before long, it will be drinking alcohohlically) then I am much more likely to *listen* to the inevitable thoughts that will occur. The inevitable chemical pathways in my brain that will think of drinking as a solution to some problem, because that's the way I did it for so long. Reminding myself of the TRUTH of my situation as it pertains to alcohol helps me stay in the center of the sober road.

I am not a "label." I am a person who is wise enough to remind myself what happens when I drink. And like you said 4tbz, that truth has set me free.

I too stayed very busy in early sobriety. Keeping my mind and body active helped me a lot. Too much idle time got me doing stinkin' thinkin'. Now I am very busy because I have a full and vibrant life. (sometimes TOO full LOL!) I hope your journey is as fulfilling as mine has been, and so many AAs before us have been!

Good to read your posts! Mary, you always have such a wonderful way of summarizing things and getting right to the heart of the matter. I love that about you!

DG

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

DG: Thanks for kudos! After many, many years of rephrasing the world's conundrums for students, I guess I got pretty good at it.

I too don't mind saying: "Hi I'm Mary, & I'm an alcoholic." I LOVE hearing the response at meetings: "Hi Mary!" In fact, when I'm out in the regular world & introduce myself to someone, I have to hold back w/just saying my name & not adding "I'm an alcoholic."

We have a friend who doesn't feel bad about saying that he is diabetic. I go w/the disease theory. I'm alcoholic...it's not a question of will power. I cannot drink, because I'm alcoholic & will drink alcoholically every single time.

I have will power to spare in other areas of my life. Just ask my family. I get it done, regardless of what it is. But, I couldn't will myself to stop drinking. Plain & simple.

[Doggygirl]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

retteacher;1280410 wrote: I have will power to spare in other areas of my life. Just ask my family. I get it done, regardless of what it is. But, I couldn't will myself to stop drinking. Plain & simple.

AMEN!

[ThreeDogNight]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Good morning, Mary, DG and 4TBz.

Quick stop here, as I have to get ready for when my sponsor comes over later this a.m. We are starting to work on the Women's Awy Through the Twelve Steps. I have read most of the book before, but had to complete the accompanying workbook pages for Step One. So amazing how I would have answered the questions four months ago, and how I answer them now!! I have a whole binder of info, work sheets, etc. from rehab, and things sure were different then!
I will report later. We will go to the noon meeting after our work here.
I can sure identify with every one of this week's posts! 4TBz, I admitted I was an alcoholic quite a while ago, but it was only while in rehab that I understood the difference between admitting and accepting it.
TDN

[retteacher]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

tdn: You are an inspiration! Keep going! M

[Doggygirl]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

TDN, I LOVE The Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps book and workbook. I bet that was a really interesting perspective to look back on your early writing about Step One.

DG

[Unwasted]

AA Weekly: Mar. 12 - 18

Hi Everyone,

I have to train myself to come find this thread. I'm automatically subscribed to other threads and since they don't change weekly, I don't have to "go find them." I clicked under Abstinence and here were all these posts LOL!

I said for the first time ever in a meeting last Saturday 'I'm an alcoholic.' I've never said those words aloud. I've really always thought of myself as someone whose drinking got out of control, but to say that I'm an alcoholic.....somehow that bothered me. BUT, I did it. And, you know what? I think I'm okay with it for the very reason that DG described. I'm retraining my brain and reminding myself why I can't drink. I don't want to get hung up on the word......if it helps, I'll say it.

I read a post here recently -- don't remember who/where it was. But they said that they were tired of announcing themselves this way at meetings and that a lot of people now are saying "I'm clean and sober today" instead. I think the traditional way is more powerful.

I go to another meeting tomorrow and am looking forward to it! I think I told you all I went to two last week. I would do that again this Saturday but can't make the afternoon one because I am having company this weekend. But I can make the morning one.

Best to you all. Thanks for all your insightful posts!!