Talking to the partners !

[Mrs Macks]

Having a bit of a tough time tonight........I just want to know how other partners cope with their spouse, being an alcoholic..............
Are your partners open with you ?
Do they talk to you about it ?
Are they seeking help ?
Do you feel alone ?
Macks is having a drink tonight, and i get so scared when he does...we do talk about it...But i can't help thinking something bad will happen to him (medically)........:upset: I try my best to support him, but sometimes it all too much to deal with......At the moment i am stressed out and very upset....just wanted to know how do other partners try and get through this and help at the same time ?

Lots of :l :l 's Lisa xx

[betty boop]

Talking to the partners !

Lisa, as you know I'm the drinker in our house, but since i've found this site i've never drank alone ....

What are you scared of???

What are you scared of happening to Macks ???

PM me if its easier than posting...

Love you Lisa, Paula xxx

[rebekah]

Talking to the partners !

Hi Mrs Macks,

my boyfriend doesn't really like to talk about it much at all and I tend to feel like I'm walking on egg shells if i do try to bring it up. I've seen how he reacts when his folks talk to him, he gets really defensive and wishes they would just mind their own business. I have a lot of trouble getting out what I want to say as I don't want him to throw his wall up and not really hear what I am trying to say. I must say I'm really scared of how it is going to be once he gets out of hospital, it's supposed to be today. He has said that he can't drink anymore and he knows that and that is just how it's going to be, but he is still resisting getting any help or talking to anyone. He wants to do this on his own, I really hope he can do it, I believe he can do it but I'm not sure he is really getting how hard its going to be once he gets home and the drugs wear off. Plus I've had his folks in my ear about it all and I think they may try to force him into therapy which I think would not be good, you can't force someone to do something they don't want. I'm for giving him a chance to prove himself before we doubt him, I don't know maybe they have lost all faith in him but I've only been around for a while so I still believe in him. I'm so terrified that once he gets home his folks are gonna be on his back and send him over the edge again. Sorry I seem to have rambled off my own issues here raher than given you anything. I feel the same as you, I am so scared for his health but also scared to have him shut me out as I know that at this point he feels I'm the only one not making him totally crazy. I am lucky in that I do have friends I can talk to about it and they are very understanding. They love my boyfriend as well so thankfully I don't get the "leave him" spiel.
I hate the feeling of total helplessness I have at times, I just wish I could fix him but I know I can't. I often feel like I'm on a rollercoster of emotions, never know how I'm going to feel one day from the next.
I guess I haven't really given any good advice here, you're no doubt dealing with this better than I am. All I do is take each day as it comes, some days are great some are crap but hey life for me was like that before I was with him it just seems that these times are a little more intense than before. I do believe though that there will be an end to all this one day and life will be all the more sweeter for it

Bek

[Mrs Macks]

Talking to the partners !

Hey Bek,
I am the same, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells too...when i read your posts, you reminded me of me.....i've been where you are now, Macks parents do the same if they want to know how he is doing...they always ask me......they never ask him, And if they do they say all the wrong things....more his mum than his dad, one day when hes ready he will ask for help........thats what happened with macks. You do right sticking by him, everybody deserves a chance
Thank you for replying and you did'nt ramble on.........Thats why we're here, same here as well take each day as it comes..

Keep your chin up And thanks again

Lots of :l Lisa xx

[Hundi]

Talking to the partners !

Hi Lisa

I just read the thread. Seems the common theme is to open and honest and not expect perfection. I clam up too. Best thing to do is to support - not condone necesssarily- but he would know that. Criticism leads you the other way and sets up more power indiffernce. I am just so impressed with the number have high regard for their partners despite the problem. I guess it is more of an issue if there is violence or verbal abuse. I just feel so ashamed and unworthy that is why I clam up - or that when I open up the information might get used against me at a later date - or to be monitored and scrutinised like a child. In my experience on this site and another one, most with problems are actually very deep thinkers (perhaps too deep) and feel misunderstood. Maybe I should post this. My father has always ben a very heavy drinker so I can see it from both sides and fully understand what you are going through. I hate the term alcoholic, makes people who feel shit about what they do even worse and perhaps even validates the behaviour, like telling someone they are ugly, they come to believe it and live it out. Alcohol dependence is not an illness but it does affect the brain wiring, however that can be reversed. Anything repetitious is mapped by the brain and so becomes more automatic or uncontrollable. Anyway enough ranting. I will see If I can post this.

Thanks x

[AAthlete]

Talking to the partners !

I was the type that always tried to hide it from my spouse. I found out in the end that only makes things worse and destroys the confidence and trust that is so critical for a marriage to work.

So, I came clean with what was going on, and now involve her in every aspect of my recovery. Just by doing that I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Not only was I beating myself up because I couldn't control my drinking, I was also lying/deceiving my wife, which made me feel even worse.

Hope that everything turns out okay for the both of you.

[Mrs Macks]

Talking to the partners !

On the way back from shopping today, this song was playing on the radio in the car......It struck a chord.....Have a listen..
[ame=

]YouTube - patience take that[/ame]

[lushy]

Talking to the partners !

Beautiful Lisa!!! Thanks for sharing........

[Mrs Macks]

Talking to the partners !

AAthlete, I think your right honesty is the policy........X

Lush......I think its so true.....and it is a beautiful song X

[Going Strong]

Talking to the partners !

Mrs Macks

I have the upmost respect for you and what you are doing! I have been the child of an alcoholic, then spouse of a gambler (same addiction!) & alcoholic and now one myself! I know the fear and that knot in your stomach about what may and could happen. I remember that as a child as well and I am not telling you this to feel guilty but just to be aware that kids know what is happening! Maybe Mack should read this cos matter how hard you try to hide it your children do know!
I know Mack is trying and so are you. Well done for being such a support for him! YOU ARE AN ANGEL (I just wish I looked like that).
Darlin,
All I can say is that Macks is trying but you have alot more at stake here, mainly your kids! So stay strong and YOU be the boss and give him Ultimatums. Sorry had to cut and paste cos I can't spell If this was just a rant to get things of your chest my apologises but I just wanted you to feel that YOU are in the drivers seat!
You stay strong Mrs Macks cos you can win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much love.....
P.S. Macks I don't want you to think that I don't support you but I remember the other side as well........Much Love to you as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mrs Macks]

Talking to the partners !

Hi Sharyn44,
Thank you so much for that:upset: ......And i think my our eldest daughter who is 13 years old is aware.......because sometimes she drops suttle hints, and kids listen to everything even if they act like their not....I try my god damn hardest to be strong and supportive...but sometimes i just don't think thats enough, Your post means alot Sharyn:h Thank you xx

Much love right back at ya

Lots of :l :l 's Lisa xx

[southernbelle47]

Talking to the partners !

The drinking issue can be like the big pink elephant in our house! We ALL know he is here.....its better to just acknowledge it and talk about it. My hubby tries not to drink in front of me but I always know when he has.....and I think I can drink and he not know it.........duh!!!!!! Oh and the kids............they know also.......and will follow in our footsteps..:upset:

Sorry if this is a downer...

[Mrs Macks]

Talking to the partners !

Thanks Nancy i think it is impossible to hide.......and your right about the kids.........because at the end of the day it all comes out in the end......

[Accountable for Me]

Talking to the partners !

I completely agree with Nancy. My parents are drinkers - functional alcoholics. I grew up with this, and thought ALL adults drank daily! Scary thought eh? It was totally the norm! I definitely don't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps.

Lisa, I think you are doing a wonderful job being supportive of Macks. I think he honestly wants to kick this thing in the arse. Not many people have your patience. You are a great wife and a great friend to him!!!

[dilayne]

Talking to the partners !

Hi Mrs. Macks,
My husband stopped drinking with me after a really good session with our therapist/cool priest guy (John D)! We were enjoying drinking together after never drinking together for 15 years..we started when our last child went off to college. The truth is that he enjoyed it as much as me, but he never admitted having a problem with it, even thought I thought he was drinking irresponsibly..so, I was the designated problem drinker. Anyway, when I started trying to moderate, he wasn't helping at all..he liked us to drink. When we finally had a good heart to heart with John D. a couple of things became very clear..one was that we )needed to agree as a couple in advance how we were going to handle the drinking..how much was going to be OK, when it would be OK or not, and hold each other accountable in some way..ultimately, after my husband realized that it was something that was just to hard for me to manage, we decided that we would both quit..this came with the agreement that if I were to bring alcohol in the house, that he would have every right to throw it out...I needed to know that he would be strong for me when I wasn't strong..but I had to agree to that. Perhaps you and Macks can come to some mutual guidelines so that you don't have to carry the stress..if he is going to moderate, maybe he can give you a heads up on those times he is going to drink and let you know how much he is going to have..he needs to give you permission to draw a line (for yourself) if you need to...does that make sense. If you both set the rules in advance, ultimately you will move together in the direction that you both desire in your relationship and with the alcohol. I don't know if this is at all helpful, or if it makes sense. I certainly wouldn't want my husband to spend a minute on pins and needles or walking on egg shells, and I'm sure Macks doesn't want you to either..just to get a buzz..
((hugs))) Dianne