Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

[retteacher]

Everyone:

I just read the last few entries to last week's thread. I didn't identify as an alcoholic for many, many meetings...probably because I was still drinking. Finally, when I took the first step & admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I could finally say: I'm Mary & I am an alcoholic. I now actually love saying it & hearing that hearty response...Hi Mary. It makes me part of the fellowship.

Yes, I drank to avoid my feelings...mainly the "negative" ones...anger, fear, resentments, etc. I absolutely know that was my reason for drinking. Now, I'm having to feel feelings that I'm not always comfortable with. Today, for instance, I felt a little out of sorts. I just put one foot in front of the other, spoke w/someone I trust, & went to a meeting. It's lifting.

Lucky: I didn't enjoy meetings at first, & certainly there is a lot going on at meetings that is somewhat bizarre...such as drunks showing up, power struggles going on, etc. However, I'm learning to take each meeting as a learning experience. I don't love them all equally, but I usually get something from each one.

Mary

[4theboyz]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

Hi Mary and thanks for kicking off this weeks thread. There is a LOT about AA to get acquainted with, God, powerless and the why of this insane out-of-control drinking. Each one of these elements at least to me represents a diametrically opposed hurdle to get past. I never felt out of control, I don't believe in God and I was too stubborn to admit my problem was not something I could fix or pay someone to fix it for me. Digging deep inside oneself to see and admit our faults is one of the hardest things to humanly do, but I do not see how you can conquer your addiction unless you do. Thankfully programs like AA exist that are caring and patient enough to support you as you do come to terms with these crucial dynamics of life that got so twisted by our addiction to alcohol. Today I will not drink.

[Unwasted]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

I wonder if going to AA when we don't really "see" ourselves there at least in the beginning is the ultimate commitment. It's like proving to ourselves just how serious we are. For a long time, I just couldn't bring myself to say I was flawed and had a problem. But when I now go to these meetings, I'm proving something very profound to myself! My alkie brain knows I mean business if I'm willing to put it all out there and go admit to a room full of strangers that, like them, I have a problem with alcohol. I know there's controversy about AA and nothing is perfect, but I'm thankful to have it as an option and I think it's helping!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

4tb: I find that AA is so expansive that it can include everyone's beliefs or non-beliefs. I don't feel like I have to believe in a certain type of HP. I can believe in anything that feels right for me. The fellowship is what keeps me sober. I just wouldn't want to go against all the people who have helped me & for whom I have so much love & respect. If that's my HP, so be it.

I can see now so clearly that I avoided struggling w/problems. I wanted everything smooth & trouble-free. When life wasn't like that, I drank. The problem went away only temporarily. Once I sobered up, it was in my face again. Right now, I'm struggling w/a persistent problem. It's the type of thing that doesn't go away overnight. So, I have to be patient & keep working on it. That is something new I am learning in sobriety.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

UW: I felt so different when I first got into AA...a senior citizen, a grandma. I've since found out that I'm not unique. A person doesn't have to be a certain "type." The 3rd tradition states that all we need for membership is "a desire to stop drinking." I sure had that desire...for many years in fact. Yes, it was a challenge to keep going to meetings in the beginning when mostly what I saw were young dudes. I've since made friends w/them & find that they're not so different than me. M

[Unwasted]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

I wonder if going to AA when we don't really "see" ourselves there at least in the beginning is the ultimate commitment. It's like proving to ourselves just how serious we are. For a long time, I just couldn't bring myself to say I was flawed and had a problem. But when I now go to these meetings, I'm proving something very profound to myself! My alkie brain knows I mean business if I'm willing to put it all out there and go admit to a room full of strangers that, like them, I have a problem with alcohol. I know there's controversy about AA and nothing is perfect, but I'm thankful to have it as an option and I think it's helping!

Mary, X Post:

I too am having to learn how to deal with life on its own terms - something I just covered up before. I feel good about myself now that I don't need the crutch of alcohol to cope.

It's strange for me too in some way to see the young guys there - I'm an older woman too......but I'm getting used to it!

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

Hi all! I love these thought provoking posts. Lots to consider already in this weeks thread!

I too drank when life wasn't perfect. I am still now only scratching the surface of my own personal issues with perfectionism, and how that affects my life. Expecting perfection from myself. Feeling like I am not loveable if I am not perfect. Blaming others for things that go wrong in my book so it's THEM that are imperfect - not me. I am learning and growing from this experience, but I'm still digging deeper inside myself all the time to understand these things, and to work on them. This is deep stuff and I couldn't see any of it from the haze of AL in my life. I'm so grateful that AA is helping me gain insight into these things. My life is getting so much more comfortable as I sort through these deep inner issues.

I had a big problem at first with the term "character defects." That flew right in the face of my perfectionism. Defects???? ME????? NO!!!! Admitting them out loud????? YOU MUST BE KIDDING!! I can't even tell you how vulnerable that one made me feel (and still does to some degree - but I'm aware now and working on it!) Once again, I am not perfect. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I can identify my weak areas and work to improve them with the help of HP.

When I spoke at the treatment center Friday night, a couple of the women asked about higher power and what that is for me. What I explained to them - my vision of it for me - is certainly not what I heard in church growing up. It works for me.

Well - I better run. Love this thread and Mary - thanks for always keeping it going for us!

DG

[Unwasted]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

DG, just wondering - how are you working on your issues? With a counselor of some kind, or just on your own and with the help of AA? And, Mary/DG if you care/have time to elaborate on how you see your HP, I would love to hear that. This is something I'm having to learn.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

UW: I still have trouble putting a real image on my HP. It isn't a loving father/mother. It's more like a spirit within me & the people around me. I certainly can feel it at meetings. I've heard 2 things about GOD:
-Group of Drunks
-Good Orderly Direction.

I'll give it more thought, but it's very fluid & hard to define. I must admit to some envy of people who have a clear image & feeling about their HP.

Also, regarding issues:

I've done a 4th & 5th step which really uncovers a lot. Certainly counseling is an option. Be patient, listen, & your issues will come up for you.

M

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

UW: I try to let daily life w/all its vicissitudes, along w/my reaction help me see my issues & what to do about them. M

[MtnMomma]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

I did most of my HP searching last night and realized it isn't one person. It's what's inside you. I also realized that being strong isn't enough to quit AL. You do have to reach inside yourself and have to want it. I've been to lots of AA meetings and even spent some time in an outpatient recovery as well as a 24 hour detox and nothing worked. I did it because I had to. You have to sincerely want it. I sure wish I could take back the past 12+ years but I can't. It's not even about me anymore. It's about giving my daughters the life they deserve. I can only move forward.

[Unwasted]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

Thanks all. These are HP concepts I can relate to and feel also. And, Mary, your way of dealing with issues is also how I choose to do it. It's worked for me so far.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

MM: Good luck. Keep going. Sobriety is a one day at a time endeavor. Your sobriety date is very close to mine. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

For me, HP is more a feeling than a vision as well. I feel the energy among people and within our world sometimes - often very powerfully so. Especially when I am with others who have survived addiction and we are doing together what we could not do alone. The energy doesn't really have a name for me other than "HP." I feel it in nature a lot too. "Doing the next right thing" is my positive way of tapping into that energy. When I ask for help, it is generally for the wisdom to know what is the next right thing. I strive for my personal energy to be peaceful and positive rather than negative and tumultuous like it was when I was drinking.

An elderly white man with a beard down to his knees wearing a robe and sandals really is not something I relate to. That is the "picture" I was shown as a child. I guess if I had to describe a visual for my version of HP, it would be more like the cartoon of a certain "wafting" that wove in and out between people and things when a certain skunk walked around.

MM, I had to really want it (sobriety - both the physical and emotional kind) deep down inside too.

UW - I am mostly working on my own. Being open to thought provoking ideas. Being open to recognizing areas where I would benefit from personal growth. Being willing to listen to feedback from my sponsor, etc. I am thinking about seeing a therapist but haven't really taken action with that yet.

DG

[ThreeDogNight]

Weekly AA Thread - Mar. 19 - Mar. 25

Good evening, all.
I should learn to post daily or every couple of days, because when i come here, I have so much to talk about!
Anyway, last week I found out that one of my former students had had his license revoked. (Was in the local newpaper, where I was looking to see if my name was there for court case.) Anyway, we'd met for lunch almost a year ago, after I found out that he'd had some serious alcohol problems. I had been very close to him when he was in my classes, and never, ever would have thought back then that he'd become an alcoholic. And he was shocked when I told him my story. Of course, at that time I had not had my first DUI and cannot remember him telling me he'd had one. Well, he got a second one in June and I got my first in May. Anyway, I called him last Friday, and we had such a good talk!! His DUI in June came 1 year and 11 months after his first, which is a big thing in this state, as you are in a different category if it is within 2 years. He had to serve 30 days in jail and then do a seven day in patient program run by the state. May not get his license back for several years! He teaches at a university which is an hour away, but also has his own company. Has had to take a semester off, and I am not sure what he'll do after that. Goes to AA several times a week, and one of the meetings is a huge one, with speakers from all over the state. This Saturday is an anniversary for that group, and I am going with my sponsor and another woman to help with dinner prep. And will get to see my student! We are both excited about it!
Saturday I saw one of my home group members, and he'd been drinking. I felt so bad. He's struggled so much, and just got his four month coin a couple of weeks ago. I saw him a little later ouside a local market and he had alcoholic beverages in his cart. He was with another guy from the group who's relapsed several times, but I don't think he was drinking, as he had his little daughter in the truck. Anyway, this guy was not at the meeting yesterday or today.
Well, Tuesday here is speaker/discussion meeting, and I was asked to chair and tell my story. I wasn't nervous, and had to stop myself after 25 minutes! We didn't have a big group today, and most of the people know me, but not my story, so it was good to share with them and get such positive feedback. And a woman i hadn't seen in a long time came--was not planning to, but saw the van that belonged to a fellow who'd passed away in the fall, and turned around and came back. Another guy was driving the van--not sure why. But anyway, this woman heard so much in my story that she could relate to, and she also remarked that she was so happy I had finally gotten it. Used to feel bad when I would show up when i wasn't working the program. I had not known that. And I was able to speak with a young woman after the meeting. She has been strggling a lot with drugs and alcohol, and had done a 6 week rehab last year. I gave her my phone number and told her to call me any time. This is what AA is all about to me. I do believe that God is my higher power, but I also consider the fellowship a higher power, too.
Well, enough for now! So grateful for all of you and for everyone in AA!
Pam