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[hardygeranium]

Hi

My husband is the drinker in my life. We are in the process of divorcing but unfortunately, I have to stay in the same house until everything is sorted. He says that it is the divorce that makes him drink (quietly ignoring the fact that he has been drinking since the day we married 8 years ago, and probably before then too). He still hides his booze about the house and claims he is not drinking. He has had a couple of goes at drying out, usually as a result of a threat from me. When I first told him that I had started a divorce, I thought that finally he was doing something about it. He dried out and started to attend AA twice a week. However within two weeks he told me that one of the meetings was cancelled and a couple of weeks after that it became rather obvious that he was no longer going to either meeting. Then the drunken days started to appear again.

It is really hard to deal with his drinking - I have lost most of my friends as a result. He keeps weird hours, often getting up in the middle of the night and sleeping during the day. He has given up washing, sleeps in the same clothes and frankly, he stinks. He eats very little now and continually claims to feel ill. Sometimes, I think he might be and that it could be due to the fact that he is not eating. Other times, it becomes quite obvious that he is either plastered or looking for sympathy. He is quite convinced that I am having an affair too. I have just got completely sick of the whole game.

Anyway, that is my slightly incoherent story.

[lushy]

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Wow Hardy, that is a sad story. I hope your husband gets the help he needs as it sounds like he is in pretty advanced stages of this addiction. I am sorry for the divorce but sounds like it might just be the best path at this time. I wish you the best!!!

[sri]

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I wish you both the support you need. I imagine it is hard for both side of this mess. I am on the drinking side; my husband sees the other side. Both are hell. Take care of yourself. I hope he does the same.

[Accountable for Me]

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Hi Hardy, welcome. I really don't have much to input here as I and my soon to be ex husband were both excessive drinkers. I know this is a very destructive disease and it has to be dealt with by the person who is drinking. Your husband has to really want to get help/quit. He may temporarily get help when he is threatened (like with divorce) but ultimately if he doesn't want to quit drinking he wont. This is something he has to do. Nothing you say will help unless he wants the help. I wish you all the best. I know this is tough. I am going through something a bit simular. I decided to quit drinking, my husband decided to quit drinking, but ultimately I stopped and he didn't. There are other factors involved in my divorce, but it is ultimately the destructive behaviour that drove us apart. :l

[hardygeranium]

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I think the hardest thing is watching him turn into a wreck. He is so incredibly thin and his face is terribly bloated. I think he probably is damaging his body now. The sober man underneath used to be quite fun, but what I live with now does not remotely resemble the sober man. When he is not telling me that I am having it away with half of the village, he is telling me he wants to die because I do not love him anymore. The days of my trying to make him stop drinking are over now. I just wish he didn't still feel the need to keep lying to me. His brother tells me that he has been alcoholic for over thirty years, so I suppose nothing I do is going to make a difference.

I do not drink. I used to like the odd glass of wine or a bit of whisky in my tea but having discovered that any bottle that comes into the house gets emptied in very short order, I have ended up not drinking. In fact, living with my husband has turned me off booze altogether. I go to great lengths now to avoid having to be around drinkers.

I suppose today is one of my miserable days. I get them every so often but I am just recovering from a bout of influenza (during which he was drunk the entire time) so I am probably a bit more low than usual.

[Accountable for Me]

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Hardy, just know it is his disease talking and not him. About the 'having your way with half the village'. I have regretfully said and accused myself on numerous occassions while under the influence.

You have to take care of you. If he isn't willing to get some help then you must help yourself. No one needs to live a life of utmost misery. Sorry to hear about your flu. I know all too well what it is like to have to fend for yourself. I had some problems after I had my daughter, so I had to go in for a D&C. Well, my husband had decided his drink and sleep were more valuable so, I was up with my daughter that night I was released from day surgery, and literally passed out on the living room floor. He still didn't think to put me or the baby first. He just drank and slept away. This is a prime example of what addiction does. It brings out the very selfish in people at times. I am thankful the baby was in her swing at the time. I should of kicked his butt to the curb a good year and a half ago. Instead - I picked up drinking again, to suppress it all.... which ultimately led me down a destructive path.

All I am really saying is you must do what you need to do. Is there possibly anyway of having him check into a detox facility?

[hardygeranium]

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No, they don't do the detox thing here, unless you pay privately. Apparently all I can do is leave him to it until he either looks for help or makes himself so ill that he has to be admitted to hospital.

[Mrs Macks]

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Hi Hardygeranium,
I went through the same thing with Macks, I begged him to get help for months and months.......Then i left him to it, and out of the blue he asked me to make a doctors appointment for him...I'm sorry to say this but the only person who can help your husband is himself......Have a read of mine and Macks story hope this helps you....I know exactly how you feel, Helpless springs to mind.....I agree with Lush and Accountable, there's only so much you can do...thinking of you at this tough time if you need a friend there are lots here for you...
lots of :h and :l 's Lisa xx

[angieUK]

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Hi Hardy, please keep coming to the site and dont feel alone, we are fighting the same battle in the end x I wish your husband was the one to register x

[Ripley]

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Hi Hardy, oh sweetheart what a horrible mess. I can only echo the advice given above. The advice given on board airplanes in the event of emergency is to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. Take this advice : get yourself sane, happy and fit. If, and only if, you want to help your husband, do it then, K x

PS: My husband suffers from depression and has serious "anger management" issues,plus drinks too much (so do I sweetie, hands up!) so I empathise.x

[anemone]

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The day I was due to have my first child, my first husband got drunk. Had I had my son that day, I would have had to drive myself. You would think I would never have ended up here. Actually, I didn't really drink for many years, and as I have said before, I wish I was back in that space in time. Sometimes I wonder if I had some deep down knowledge that it would be a problem for me so I avoided it. But I would not let my son grow up in that environment. Of course there were other issues as well. It's good to hear the other side.
Anemone

[ItsaNewDay]

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Hi Hardy,

Sounds like you are a bit further along the road than I. My hubby is currently abstaining after being given an ultimatum by me, but I have serious concerns regarding his ability to maintain the abstinence (because for instance I am here and he is not, I've read the My Way Out book - he has not... so I suspect this may be the lull before the storm). He says he wants to change... but many times there' s been talk and little to no action.

So, unfortunately I must say it seems you are doing the best thing possible in your circumstances. I wish for you the release from your burdens and a happy future, sometimes it gets to the point that you MUST save yourself.

[MDBiker]

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When a person is alcoholic and says they quit because someone else demanded so, they haven't quit. It either it will only be temporary abstention or lies. It isn’t that he doesn't mean it when he says it. But until he comes to terms with his problem, he will continue to relapse. Also, I hate to say it, but drunks are liars. Plain and simple. We hide bottles, simulate not drinking too much (second bottle, water in bottle to level, throw bottles away in hiding, etc.) and in general are not to be trusted. The mind of a drunk is not wired right. What he wants to do he cannot do; and what he does not want to do, he does anyway. Sound familiar? It is the truth, and if he lives long enough, he will realize it. I believe you need to do what you feel is best. Whatever you think, do something. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Bless you, I will pray for you and your husband.
I know this is hard and I wish you the best.

Bear

[lolly]

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Hi Hardy,
Stay strong, i'm not married to but involved with someone very similar, he just drinks and sleeps until in the end he is so drunk he cant go out and get any more to drink and then goes into firghtening withdrawals, last week he drove down a motorway and eventually pulled off and rang me to go get him as he was aware he was a danger! and yes when i threaten its off he tries to abstain and hides drink and tries to feign being sober but i know him too well, yesterday we went to the docs, after chatting the doc said he would have to come in every couple days for meds for withdrawal, my b/f said but im not drinking! the doc said u r i can smell it! with that he said he was not prepared to adminster such drugs and is referring him to the community drink and drugs team! today he is on hi s way again to another binge, so the hopes of the D and A team being able to help is prob zilch! So like you i am going to have to be strong and not go round there under the pretences from him he is "sorting it" and just say no more finished