Need some support...

[Insomniac]

Hi everyone!
I'm new here...came across the site while trying to figure out a way to help my boyfriend. Just reading a few posts made me realize that there is strength in numbers!
We have been together a little over one year...a few months after we first started dating..I began to notice that he was a binge drinker. He didn't reveal this side until we were pretty comfortable in our relationship. Before then, we would both have a few drinks on occasion..nothing major.
His drinking became a problem within our relationship when he would call me drunk and not even know who he was talking to and then proceed to pick fights with me. The drunken conversations always end in very hurtful arguments. On one occasion I actually had to "trap" him in my house to keep him from driving home...after he had arrived at 3am already drunk. He tried to go through my house to look for his keys...ranting & raving...eventhough I reminded him that my son was asleep & didn't need to see him that way. There are many episodes...too many to type tonight!
The next day, he always apologizes and says that he will get it under control. Well, it has been over 5 months now and the same stuff keeps happening. It happens at least twice a month. I don't know how much longer I can keep forgiving him. Part of me feels that if he really wanted to be with me he would stop, but I understand that it is hard to conquer. But it doesn't even seem like he tries. He has developed a very close relationship with my 3 yr old son, so I consider his well being also. I really could care less if he breaks my heart...its been done before. But I don't want my son to be hurt if he decides that he would rather break it off than to try to control his problem. He looks up to him and loves him very much. My son has never witnessed any of these episodes...thank god. He manages to control himself when he is with us. But as soon as he is back on his own...he caves. He claims that he wants to control it but doesn't know how.
Is it wrong for me to feel that he should be able to control it by knowing how bad it hurts us every time? I don't know what to do anymore. I want to believe that he wants to make things better, but I feel like I am the only one trying.
Sorry for the novel....I can't sleep at night thinking about how I can help him. But in the end I know he can only help himself. Any advice on how I can help him get started?

[Accountable for Me]

Need some support...

Welcome Insomniac! Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Unfortunately he is the only one that can help himself. What I mean about that is he has to want the help. It is sweet you are ever so caring and want to help him. If he is wanting help, maybe he should see his doctor. The doctor can prescribe him things for withdrawals and cravings etc...

You definitely have to think about yourself and your son's well being at this point.

Has he tried a detox facility or AA? Has he admitted to you he has a problem...? I am not sure by your post where he stands in regards to his alcohol problems.

Unfortunately alcoholics can be extremely selfish and hurting the people we love is what we do best. We don't intentionally mean to, it's the alcohol. Until one realizes it is destroying the life around them, it won't get better only worse. I wish you all the best.

[Insomniac]

Need some support...

Thanks for replying..
He tells me that he does feel that he has a problem...he has talked to his doctor about it. When he went to the doc, he was told to just get rid of all of the alcohol in his house and set limits when he did decide to drink. Well, he hasn't followed doctors orders...but will still admit to having a problem and says that he will work hard at controlling it because he wants a family with my son and I. But, like I said, he's not even trying. I'm not sure if he just really doesn't want help and is afraid to tell me...or if he is just afraid of taking the first steps and sticking to them. I am starting to feel like I don't mean enough to him to make him want to change. If I was...maybe things would be a lot better by now. I have threatened to leave him...went a few days without speaking to him and literally broke down and got hysterical because of the pain this has been causing. I don't know what to do...I am sending him a link to this site. Hopefully he will take advantage of it.
Thanks for your help!

[Popeye]

Need some support...

Hello Insomniac,
Accountable for Me said it all really. Your boyfriend has to want to change.
Look after yourself and your son.
I wish you well.

[melanie]

Need some support...

Hi there! Our Insomniac ways are different, I am much like your boyfriend, so my boyfriend I am sure can relate to you. I can't sleep cause of my withdrawals. My body and mind has become so accostomed to alcohol. I am now trying, or else I will loose ANOTHER person I love! Sorry for that, just my thought.
You just have to remind your boyfriend how bad alcohol is for his health, Liver, Kidneys, Brain, Emotions, Bodily Functions...
Not just that, as you know Family Life, remind him of that (without making him feel guilty) - try not to guilt trip him - make him realise you mean business - and you must take a break, go see your family, and talk to them!
Talk to your son, assure him that you love him (which is of no doubt) - children are so intellegent, they pick up vibes so easily!
Tell your boyfriend that quality time is required for things to be rectified, and take him to a restuarant where alcohol is not served - cause quality time is not alcohol glutony time, express your emotions to the limits!
Ask him if he wants to be alive to have a family and share yours (in a loving way).
An alcoholic is selfish, but don't know this until they are ready to admit it, he will have to realise by himself that he has a disease, and you can do only so much.
Never stop the loving though, be there for him.
But look after yourself too, and imply what is best for you. Your son would be happy if you are happy! HONEST!
Try find out why and where does his binging arise from?

Peace to you.
Take it easy.
Relax.

Mel

[Insomniac]

Need some support...

Thanks everyone for your support. I keep reminding myself that I can't make him change. But he keeps tellng me that he really does and just doesn't know how. So, I feel like I need to do something...anything...to help. But I hope I am not coming off as being too pushy.
I had problems with alcohol myself in the past...before my son. I bartended during the day and after my shift I would retire to the "other side" for the night. I drank pretty much 7 days a week....my excuse was that I had nothing better to do. There were days that I would wake up in my house completely clothed and not remember how I got there. My family expressed their feelings and their fears about my problem. It was hard..but just the thought of hurting my family and friends made me want to change...and I did it on my own. I considered my problem binge drinking also...I didn't feel the need for it...but I did it anyways and always too much. Even if I would only plan to have "just one". I still have a drink on occasion but I have been able to set limits and stick to them because I don't want to go back to being "that person"...I can't...I have a son now who needs me.
I try to explain to my boyfriend that I know it is hard and I understand that it isn't going to happen over night. Also..I don't want him to feel that I think he should quit all together...just that he needs to learn to set limits and stick to them. I have told him numerous times to call me if he feels that he might go overboard...but he never does. He calls after he is already beyond drunk and yells at me about it and is very hurtful.
I wanted to change...and I did because I knew the consequences if I didn't. Maybe he just really doesn't want to change....maybe the fact that I just keep forgiving him and "letting it go" does more harm than good because he feels that I will stick around no matter what as long as he tells me what I want to hear in the meantime. I don't know.. I don't want to give up on him...I love him...and so does my son...but I can't continue to be put through hell a couple of times a month. And I can't risk having my son seeing him like that and being hurt by it too. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle...or one that doesn't want to be won.

[Bella]

Need some support...

Hello Insomniac.I am reading what you say and trying to see this on both sides. My husband was really like you, putting up with me drinking and me causing rows-- because he loved me. He has done this for years. I kept saying i wanted to stop but couldn't. I knew i could do whatever i wanted because he was always there saying he loved me. It was killing him watching me kill myself and i did try on few occassions. Then last year i took an overdose and was taken to hospital and he still helped me. But something snapped in him a month ago and he said if i didn't sort this out he was going to leave and take our son with him. I knew he meant it. So i have stopped drinking because i don't want to lose him and it was what i needed to hear. Tough love i suppose. What i'm saying to you is maybe you need to do this? I don't know but you could also get him to join this site. You are completely anonomous and there are people who will listen. You need alot of support too. It must be awful for the loved ones of drinkers. Alcoholics can be so self-absorbed like me and just don't think what they are putting their family through. All the best to you and your boyfriend and KEEP POSTING! B xx

[Insomniac]

Need some support...

Thanks Bella..
I've tried the tough love strategy...maybe I didn't stick to my guns long enough...but I went a fews days without talking to him hoping that he would wake up, but when I gave in and finally called him, it seemed like nothing ever happened. He just went on telling me about how he thinks he is getting strep throat and about how terrible he was feeling because of it. I just wanted to scream!!! I have been sick over his behavior for months and have tried to talk to him about how his problem is affecting my health...but it seems like he doesn't even care. I keep telling myself that maybe this is his way of trying to ignore his problem, but each time there is an episode, once we start talking again, he acts like nothing ever happened. And if I try to talk about it, he gets upset and asks why I have to remind him of all of his mistakes.
I have mentioned getiing anonymous help...I sent him a link to this site...but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. It hurts to think that maybe he really doesn't care enough about me or my son to even try. Maybe I am the one suffereing from denial....

[lushy]

Need some support...

Insomniac, this has NOTHING to do with how much he cares about you and your son. Nothing. This is an addiction that for some is so strong they cannot see their way out of it. If you have not been down that path, it is impossible for you to understand and really get it. My husband is a non drinker and cannot grasp why it is so hard for me to just not have a glass of wine. I have become what I consider to be a moderate drinker ( for me)thanks to this board and the program but the key was that I desperately needed and wanted a change. Desperately. I could not go on as I was. Your boyfriend may know he needs to make a change but is not quite ready. Introduce him to this program, but more importantly worry about yourself and your child first and foremost. You cannot change him. You just can't. I wish you and him the best.

[Insomniac]

Need some support...

Thanks for your input Lush.
I have been down that path before...I had mentioned it in an earlier post. I know it is hard and you have to really want it to be truly successful...well that is how I feel based on my experience. The thought of losing people close to me was enough to want to change. It didn't happen over night and it definately wasn't easy...and on many occasions I failed...but I wanted it bad enough to control it in the end. I am, like you said, a moderate drinker now. Since my son, I only have drinks when he is with is father on the weekends. But lately I don't drink at all because of my boyfriends struggle and I don't want to make things harder for him. But he said he never wants to when he is with me...its just when he is alone. I don't expect him to quit...he doesn't drink every day or feel that he can't be without it...its just when he does....he can't stop and he becomes mean and hateful and talks about driving off a cliff and gets down on himself...no matter how I try to help him realize that I love him and just want to help.
Thanks again for your support and advice...this is all helping me more than you know.

[Accountable for Me]

Need some support...

Insomniac I think it is great you managed to get control of your drinking. With your knowing what it is like to go down the road of despair you are aware of what he is going through.

It is hard to be in love with someone who has an addiction. I am in the process of getting a divorce because I needed to quit and he simply didn't want to. I didn't want to see my marriage disolve, because I love him too. But his behaviours were pretty extreme and his love for alcohol is too great at this point for him to really be a loving part of my and our young daugther's life. (she is almost 2). I had to do this.... because for my own sanity, the welfare of my child and simply because he wasn't ready to change. I didn't want this in my life anymore. Especially around our daughter.

I really feel for you. I can so relate. Would he decline attending an AA meeting? Has he asked his doctor about Topamax, or other prescriptions he can acquire to help him with this. This is not at all a loss.... Read the section where they talk about Prescriptions, and Supplements.... Maybe you can present him with some information and then the both of you can take it from there?

[Insomniac]

Need some support...

Thanks Accountable....for understanding.
He says that he really doesn't need any type of outside help. We have talked about AA and he has talked to his doctor about it. But if he wasn't 100% honest with the doc about the extent of his problem, that may be why he didn't suggest prescriptions or support groups. He keeps saying that he can handle it himself, but I honestly haven't seen any real attempts. He blamed past episodes on the people he was with. He had a room mate who always wanted him to drink with him..and his father also would coax him into it...eventhough he had told them that he was trying to control it. They feel that he doesn't have a problem..and that his problem is me..I guess. They feel that I am trying to control him when that is definately NOT the case. This last episode occurred after he had moved into his own place. i had helped him move all weekend...I looked at it as a new start. But Monday..he went out and bought a bottle and got wasted....by himself. No one was there to talk him into it and he knew exactly what he was doing. I love him and hate to see such a good person give into alcohol and I am scared of the health problems that he may face if he continues. But...like you...I can't risk my and my son's well being until he decides that he is ready to face his problem....if he ever does. I don't know whether to listen to my heart...or my head!!

[Accountable for Me]

Need some support...

Hang in there. It is so hard.

On another note: A lot of the doctors aren't aware of things such as Topamax or Campral. Addiction specialists do but a lot of the reg. docs. don't know. I really would suggest reading up on it. Presenting the info to your boyfriend and then if he is serious - he will see his doctor again. I really wish you the best. Keep posting and reading here. Education is essential for recovery.

[sammys]

Need some support...

Hi, and I to wish you well. This is probably one of the hardest things you will face in your life. There is no answer I can give to you on what to do. I am the person in my relationship who gets drunk, although he gets plenty stoned on pot everyday. I hope you can express to your boyfriend that is is causing problems with the drinking and he will slow it down or take steps to quit.


Wish you the best,
Sammys