Boredom.
I know that is one of the biggest reasons that I drank.
On the micro level, if I had nothing to do on a particular evening, I could count on a bottle of vodka to entertain me. I might start out bored, but by the second cocktail I?d have plenty to do. It usually involved making hours-long long-distance phone calls to family and friends who were drinking too. Sometimes I?d listen to CDs and look at old photo albums. A song or a photo might prompt a late-night call to a friend (or an ex) that I hadn?t talked to in a long time. By this point in the evening I might be slurring my words, so best case scenario would be leaving a message on someone?s answering machine. Then I?d usually go back to my music and surfing the ?Net until 3 or 4 AM, or whenever the booze ran out. Yep ? that?s entertainment.
On the macro level, I can see how I used booze and my ongoing struggle with alcohol to provide myself with something to do with my life in general. Yeah, I have a job. I have family. I have friends. But I don?t have a partner or a boyfriend. (As if that would have kept me from drinking.) And I don?t have anything really exciting going on in my life. I don?t have any sense of doing anything important. There?s no feeling of going anywhere, you know?? So, there?s booze. You have to admit, booze provides drama. Even if no one knows about it, it gives you something to suffer over. You have your own little soap opera going on. It?s like Britney Spears, or Robert Downey Jr. or Sir Elton John. Wow ? I?m like the tortured, wounded, misunderstood artist/celebrity. I?m trying to beat this thing, I really am. I keep picking myself up and dusting myself off but look at how hard it is. Poor me! I?m sorry but Bull Sh*t. All the ?attempts? and ?failures? to moderate and quit were part of my ongoing drama. I wallowed in that state of self-pity and impotence for a decade mostly ? not completely but mostly ? because I chose to. It gave me something to do and the truth is I got something out of it. It reinforced my low self-esteem and kept me in that dark place, which for some reason is where I felt I belonged.
Last night, driving home from work, I felt for a moment the urge to get drunk. Not, mind you, the urge to ?have a drink.? I wanted to get drunk. Plastered. Falling-down, word-slurring, passing-out drunk. I wondered for a moment if ?a drink or two? would satisfy the urge I was having. Nope. I knew it wouldn?t. So what was behind this insanity?
I was bored, plain and simple. I had worked all day, it was a nice evening, and I was feeling fine. I had nothing to do. So ? I?ve identified a trigger. I knew about this one, but this just brought it home for me. I didn?t drink, but if I had been on less solid ground I might have. So for me boredom is dangerous. It?s important for me to know I have options when I feel bored. Pick up the phone, call a friend, invite someone to go out. Go shopping. Go for a bike ride. (When it?s not 20 below.) Go skiing (ok, when it is 20 below, just dress appropriately). Rearrange the living room. You get the idea.
As for the macro level: this is where the idea of recovery comes in. I can?t just sit back, abstain from drinking, take my Topamax, and not make any other changes. If I do that, I?m just biding my time until my next drink, whether it?s 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years. No, I have to change myself, the way I think, the way I behave and react to the world. I can?t just stand still. I have to move forward. Shift gears, as Neil would say. Life?s full of things to do. There?s no reason to be bored.
No excuses this time.
Mike
I know that is one of the biggest reasons that I drank.
On the micro level, if I had nothing to do on a particular evening, I could count on a bottle of vodka to entertain me. I might start out bored, but by the second cocktail I?d have plenty to do. It usually involved making hours-long long-distance phone calls to family and friends who were drinking too. Sometimes I?d listen to CDs and look at old photo albums. A song or a photo might prompt a late-night call to a friend (or an ex) that I hadn?t talked to in a long time. By this point in the evening I might be slurring my words, so best case scenario would be leaving a message on someone?s answering machine. Then I?d usually go back to my music and surfing the ?Net until 3 or 4 AM, or whenever the booze ran out. Yep ? that?s entertainment.
On the macro level, I can see how I used booze and my ongoing struggle with alcohol to provide myself with something to do with my life in general. Yeah, I have a job. I have family. I have friends. But I don?t have a partner or a boyfriend. (As if that would have kept me from drinking.) And I don?t have anything really exciting going on in my life. I don?t have any sense of doing anything important. There?s no feeling of going anywhere, you know?? So, there?s booze. You have to admit, booze provides drama. Even if no one knows about it, it gives you something to suffer over. You have your own little soap opera going on. It?s like Britney Spears, or Robert Downey Jr. or Sir Elton John. Wow ? I?m like the tortured, wounded, misunderstood artist/celebrity. I?m trying to beat this thing, I really am. I keep picking myself up and dusting myself off but look at how hard it is. Poor me! I?m sorry but Bull Sh*t. All the ?attempts? and ?failures? to moderate and quit were part of my ongoing drama. I wallowed in that state of self-pity and impotence for a decade mostly ? not completely but mostly ? because I chose to. It gave me something to do and the truth is I got something out of it. It reinforced my low self-esteem and kept me in that dark place, which for some reason is where I felt I belonged.
Last night, driving home from work, I felt for a moment the urge to get drunk. Not, mind you, the urge to ?have a drink.? I wanted to get drunk. Plastered. Falling-down, word-slurring, passing-out drunk. I wondered for a moment if ?a drink or two? would satisfy the urge I was having. Nope. I knew it wouldn?t. So what was behind this insanity?
I was bored, plain and simple. I had worked all day, it was a nice evening, and I was feeling fine. I had nothing to do. So ? I?ve identified a trigger. I knew about this one, but this just brought it home for me. I didn?t drink, but if I had been on less solid ground I might have. So for me boredom is dangerous. It?s important for me to know I have options when I feel bored. Pick up the phone, call a friend, invite someone to go out. Go shopping. Go for a bike ride. (When it?s not 20 below.) Go skiing (ok, when it is 20 below, just dress appropriately). Rearrange the living room. You get the idea.
As for the macro level: this is where the idea of recovery comes in. I can?t just sit back, abstain from drinking, take my Topamax, and not make any other changes. If I do that, I?m just biding my time until my next drink, whether it?s 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years. No, I have to change myself, the way I think, the way I behave and react to the world. I can?t just stand still. I have to move forward. Shift gears, as Neil would say. Life?s full of things to do. There?s no reason to be bored.
No excuses this time.
Mike
Control the Mind
Hey Helen, I didn't see your post there - I hope you're OK sister. Please let me know. :l
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