View Full Version : Am I missing a hint?

March 6th, 2007, 09:05 PM
Hi everyone,
I greatly appreciated everyones replies to my last thread...it really got me thinking. I saw my boyfriend over the weekend...and just like always, he acts like nothing ever happened. It really hurts to know that he can just pretend like everything is ok when I am literally worrying myself sick over what I can do to save us. I know that there is nothing I can do to make things better...that he needs to want it...but I am starting to wonder if he is just waiting for me to give up. He claims that he does want to be with me & my son and eventually live together as a family, but his actions tell differently. It just seems that he keeps telling me what I want to hear to keep me hanging on long enough to hurt me again. I spoke to him earlier this evening for a few seconds and I could tell that he had been drinking. He said that he was busy at the moment, but he always tries to avoid me to try to hide it. It has been the same vicious cycle over and over again. And eventhough he admits to having a problem and says he wants to get a handle on it..he has made no honest attempts...he just tries a lot harder now to keep it a secret. But I am sure I will get a billigerent call from him by 1am....and he will scream at me and say mean and hurtful things...and tomorrow...he will be sorry and promise to get help..same old..same old...
Am I missing a hint? I have tried to help him and have given him so many chances...but still no changes. Maybe this is a sign that he just really doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to be the one to break it off. I don't know what to think....

March 6th, 2007, 09:27 PM
No hint involved

Hi Insomniac,

I grew up with an alcoholic mother who loved me dearly and always said she'd change, But she hid it, lied about it, sneeked and schemed etc etc. It had nothing to do with love, it was the addiction. I would never say she didn't love me, and she still does.

If you truly believe he loves you, you could stick it out. But you also have to think about your child - do you want him/her to grow up with the fear that an alchoholic in the family can bring to any household? (If you like read my post on Children of Alcoholics - show a bit of what can happen to kids).

The decision is a hard one I know. But I think you need to make it on your own terms. I don't think he's trying to get you to end it, or hinting at you. I think it's a decision you have to make based on your own feelings, and your belief in whether or not you are equipped to cope with all that could ensue.

Living with an alcoholic can be horrible, but if you truly love the person it makes it so much harder for you. You need to be incredibly strong, capable of taking the abuse,the loneliness etc etc, and assisting on the long road to recovery, if that's what he really wants.

You know him best - you are the only one who can make the decision for yourself and your child.



March 7th, 2007, 01:59 AM
Have you told him about this site? He needs to want to stop himself. You can only do so much. All the best to you both. B

March 7th, 2007, 09:02 AM
Hi Inso...

Love does blind reality. In love?..then... black can be painted as white and night as day.

Words and actions must match! Think about your child. What example, what environment, what emotional surroundings do you want to be the foundation for you and your son? You hold the power of choice for your future and your sons. What choices do you make?

As hard as it is, step back from your emotional love, that can discolor reality. See yourself and your boyfriend from a disconnected view...see reality...

Do not sell yourself short because you do not want to be alone. (this has caused many of us to ignore reality and do what we would not normally do or accept what we would not normally accept) Determine what is important for you and your son. Stand by those expectations! This will give you self respect and confidence. You are worth it and so is your son.

You can do it, and based on your values and principles, you know what to do.

Best wishes and prayers for you and your son!

March 7th, 2007, 11:55 PM
Thank you all for your support.
In reply to Bella...I have told him about this site and many others. I have suggested a lot of different things that may help him...since he says he does want to change but doesn't know how to do it.
To Cashy...that is my main dilemma at this point. Should I throw in the towel? I want to stick with him..I love him very much...but the fear of his problem never going away is what makes me feel that I need to make a decision soon. If it were just me...I would definately stick it out for a long time, but I don't want my son to grow even more attached to him over time for him just to give up in the end and say he doesn't want to change. Make sense?? I am beginning to confuse myself...don't know whether to listen to my head or my heart..
which brings me to Rocky...
I have been listening to my heart....my head sees the "reality" of the situation....if he really wanted to change...he would have at least made some honest attempts by now. I am not the type of person to give up easily, but I feel like he already has. So...like you said...I have to make a choice. My head knows what I should do...but my heart won't accept it...not yet.

March 8th, 2007, 02:24 PM
Dear Insomniac,
Yes, "words and actions must match". It will not be easy but:

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it justmeans that their part in the story is over. And you've got
to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keeptrying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell yousomething. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, Ibelieve in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'mfaithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belongto you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to......


If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......


If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....

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If someone has angered you .


If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......


If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......


If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents


If you! u have a bad attitude.......


If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......


If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to takeyou to a new level in Him......


If you are struggling with the healing of a brokenrelationship.......


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even tryto help themselves......

mily: Verdana;">
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........


If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourselfand God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......


Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!


Get Right or Get Left.. think about it, and then .


"The Battle is the Lord's!"

During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you aredoing, and take this opportunity.

(Literally it is only ONE minute!)

All you have to do is the following:

You simply say "The Lords Prayer" for the person thatsent you this message:

The Lords Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven,Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom;">Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as weforgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation butdeliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and theGlory, forever.

March 11th, 2007, 05:27 PM
Hi Insomniac, good luck to you in all that you are dealing with. I would say, if your bf was as invested in this relationship as you are, he would bring something to the table insomuch as to say what he wanted for you both. It seems to me from what you are saying that you are the one doing the work and he is making concessions and saying what you want to hear, but actually doing very little to change. This indicates that he is not as invested in the relationship as you are. You would be doing your child a favor by example, show your strength in saying what you need in the relationship, and if he cannot be that for you, then he should go and you can then be free to discover yourself and find someone worthy of your loyalty and devotion. IMHO... much love, Suz

March 13th, 2007, 02:59 PM
((hugs)) I agree with Suzanna..you have to be honest with yourself and ask if this is the life your are choosing for you and your son, and why. It's the hardest thing to do, and you are in the posiition now, before having made a vow, to choose wisely..it will be much harder later on, if he continues to go down the path he is...and he very well may. A man pretty much shows you who he is from the beginning...too many women want to close their eyes to the 'bad' and hope for the best..it is a very irresponsible way to choose a mate. Good luck dear! I pray that your choices are for the highest good for you and your son.

March 14th, 2007, 01:53 PM
Without sounding cruel, do you want him as a role model for your child? I ask this only beacause my daughter is going through something similar and it does affect the children.Painful to watch.

March 15th, 2007, 03:28 AM
Scary part of this post...


For me the scary part of this post is as if you are all speaking to my husband ? if he had to let me go and take my children I have no idea what I would do. I know all the advice is great and good and yes for now Insomniac must do what is best for her child ? but boy did this get to me. Insomniac I can not offer you anything I am the one with the problem in our home ? all I can do is wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.

So Gook Luck and lots of Love.