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    #1

    Family members, back off!

    Hi all,

    Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just want to vent right now.

    I cut back about 6 weeks ago, was AF for about a month and have been moderating since. Tonight: 3 drinks in 3 hours, and no desire for more.

    At the start, I had my mom (with whom I have a rocky relationship) staying with me, as I suffered real alcohol withdrawal. I really needed someone there at the time, but now I feel she's taken advantage of the situation to tie strings to me. She calls all the time, and if I don't call back right away - say, if I forgot my phone like I did today - she freaks out and calls the cops.

    I'm actually doing really well. Most days are AF because I like how I feel right now. I don't want to feel trapped by AL, and I don't want to feel trapped by its repercussions. I need to feel that I am trusted to take care of myself. Yes, I screwed up and overdid it for a while, but I have things under control.

    I need to make my own decisions on this journey, for better or for worse. I guess that's what I was trying to say, and I know there is support on this forum for that.

    Thanks, A.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Family members, back off!

    BondGirl,
    I'm glad you feel comfortable to vent to us. We do it often here, especially family woes.

    One thing I would like to share is that families are affected by the alcoholic's behavior too and sometimes trust is lost. An example would be a divorced dad who is supposed to pick Johnny up on Saturday morning and doesn't show up because he was drinking the night before and is sleeping it off. If he keeps having behavior like this, Johnny learns that he can't really trust his father. Soon his disappointment turns to anger along with not being able to trust or depend on his dad. So say dad goes into recovery and doesn't drink anymore. Does Johnny automatically trust him? No, the trust has to be earned back and that takes time.

    Without knowing all of your facts Bondgirl, I am going to guess that your alcoholism was causing problems in your life that your family was aware of. Your withdrawal symptoms were scary for your mom to watch and she is now just overly concerned about you. Perhaps a way to try to remedy the situation would be to sit down with her at a time when you are feeling really good, probably AF for a couple of days and share that you understand that she is concerned but you are a big girl on the road to recovery. Ask her what you can do to give her a better comfort level. Perhaps a phone call or text more often would help her not worry so much.

    Funny story but my uncle hired a young woman to be an assistant for his business. He flew her over to our city in his private plane and we all went out to dinner. When we got home we had about 6 messages on our phone with the final one being a threat that this young woman's mother was going to call the police because the daughter hadn't answered the previous 5 calls. Well, duh, she had been busy flying to our city, meeting us, going out to dinner, etc. But the mother's concern was the fact that she was flying in a private plane with an older man that she hardly knew. The young woman's response was, "Well, my mother behaves like this all of the time." My thought was, "Well, if you know she is like that, why wouldn't you make a quick call when you first got here to put her mind at peace?" Your situation may be somewhat similar and maybe you have to go out of your way a bit just to give your mom some peace of mind until the trust is reinstated.

    Hope that helps. You can always pm me if you want a more private chat that you don't want the world to see.

    :l
    Eve11
    "Control your destiny or somebody else will"

    ~Jack Welsh~:h

    God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, :thumbs:

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      #3
      Family members, back off!

      Hi Bond Girl:


      Ditto Eve's great insight.

      Also perhaps you could have her pop over her to MWO and see what's going on here. There is a section for Family member though I don't think it's used too much which is a real shame. I sometimes feel now like we all have each other and they don't really have anyone to talk to. They must feel alot of the same confusion, guilt, shame, anger that we do. Just through a different scope with different targets perhaps.

      Stay CLose,

      :l

      PS: I had a friend once call and leave a ton of messages becasue she had forgotten I was on holiday for 2 weeks...The last message was 'I guess we aren't friends anymore. You won't call me back!'
      I felt really bad but in a way honored that someone cared and loved me so much. :h
      On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
      *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

      Comment

        #4
        Family members, back off!

        Thanks everyone for your good points. Trying to figure out how to explain to my mom that she cannot just send the cops to my house because I haven't returned a call for a couple hours. Your stories gave me a little perspective on that...

        Mostly I'm trying to get the support I need, not the support others think I need. It's very frustrating.

        Comment

          #5
          Family members, back off!

          Hi bondgirl, I can just imagine how frustrating it might be to feel like you're being monitored all the time. I think eve is right that it's time to sit down with her and let her know you really appreciate her support but that you need some space to do things for yourself and maybe let her know it's stressing you out when she does things like that.

          Comment

            #6
            Family members, back off!

            Your mom is and will always be your mom. You need to have a conversation with her about the boundries you want with her, clearly calling the police every time your out of touch for a few hours crosses what you feel is a boundry. But you might remind yourself that her concern comes from a place of love, so your conversation should recognize her concern. I know if it were me, I'd have to exhibit extreme control not to rip her as I would be royally pissed off!

            Good luck.
            D
            Well the 1st are the hardest days don't you worry anymore.
            When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.

            Comment

              #7
              Family members, back off!

              Red Chestnut

              Red Chestnut
              You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? Rumi

              :lilangel:

              Comment

                #8
                Family members, back off!

                Hi BondGirl,

                Sorry your mom freaked out on you. I would have been SO embarrassed/ furious.

                I like the Red Chestnut suggestion from FF...plus, I like the suggestions and remarks the others have posted as well.

                Speaking as a Mom, I must admit that there ARE/have been times when I have overreacted, due to my frantic fear for what, at the time, seemed like the life of my child...not quite to the extent of calling the police, but certainly to the point of going slightly nuts, and trying to drag my husband along with me.

                So, I concur with the others, reassure your mom as best you can, and little by little as she sees how calm and healthy you are, she'll calm down, too. Also, eventually most of us get bored with thinking about our kids all the time! LOL. ff
                . "It is only with the heart that one can see clearly; that which is essential, is invisible to the eye.". Antoine de Saint-Exupery

                Comment

                  #9
                  Family members, back off!

                  FreeFly;1392873 wrote: Red Chestnut

                  Red Chestnut
                  THIS is so why I love this place ! :h I would have never found such a link on my own in a zillion years and what a blessing for Bond girl.

                  Thanks FreeFly. Just had to comment...

                  :thanks:

                  especially since I'm a bit like this myself...
                  On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                  *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Family members, back off!

                    Red Chestnut

                    FreeFly;1392873 wrote:

                    Red Chestnut
                    Thanks for this site Freefly. I had a BIL who stayed alive for 10 years (after contracting AIDS) through the use of good herbs and bach remedies. I didn't research the site but I know there would be an anti-anxiety medication (probably some type of lavendar concoction) that would probably help ease anxiety in your mom. One question is, has she always been overly anxious and concerned about your well being (she could have an anxiety disorder) and it may not be as much about you as it is about her.

                    I love this board too for all of the good info we can give to each other.
                    :l
                    Eve11
                    "Control your destiny or somebody else will"

                    ~Jack Welsh~:h

                    God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, :thumbs:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Family members, back off!

                      Hi Eve, sorry to hear of your BIL but yes, how amazing natural health support can be.

                      Just wanted to mention the Red Chestnut would be for Bond Girl's mother - it's for fear or over concern for others. The positive potential is the ability to care for others with compassion but without anxiety.
                      You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? Rumi

                      :lilangel:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Family members, back off!

                        Hi FreeFly,

                        Yes, I knew it was meant for the mother. Proof again how we can post unclearly sometimes. Actually we have a friend's wife who has such anxiety as the post was describing, absolutely overly worried and concerned about her children's safety, etc. I will direct my friend to this website.

                        BTW, thanks about the BIL. He was a very spiritual new age guy. Taught me a lot. He was diagnosed with HIV 10 years before AIDS really hit the immune system. I swear he gave himself another 10 years with Bach remedies and herbs and new age medicine. Of course he eventually got on some of the traditional medicine as well. Opposing ideas that can work together~~

                        :l
                        Eve11
                        "Control your destiny or somebody else will"

                        ~Jack Welsh~:h

                        God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, :thumbs:

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Family members, back off!

                          Hi Eve,

                          Yes, doesn't that prove how things can be misconstrued on a forum - I completely misinterpreted your response.

                          Right with you on how there is a place for both 'traditional medicine' and natural healthcare. Just got to keep our minds open and find what's right for each of us
                          You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? Rumi

                          :lilangel:

                          Comment

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