Last Resort

[DarlingNikki]

I have been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year. He used to cancel plans so he could drink. Now he is keeping plans, but taking me home halfway into our 1 night a week together to drink. He has been unemployed for 2 years and cannot even look for a job because he goes through a 12 pack 5 to 6 nights a week. His liver and kidneys are constantly "on fire" and his body always aches because of his drinking. He always goes through this terrible self loathing after his night of drinking. The only time he isn't drinking is when we are together.......hence our 1 night of seeing each other a week. He says that he is ridiculously in love with me, and he doesn't deserve me, and that I deserve so much better than him. I can see what a magnificent person he is underneath his drinking problem, and that is why I hang on. He has been to rehab 4 times without any long term success. His family has given up on him. His brother and only friend contribute to his drinking on a regular basis, but he cannot seem to remove them from his life because that's all he has besides me (i only drink maybe about 2 or 3 times a year). He will not bring me with when he drinks because he "doesn't want to share that side" of him with me. He has borrowed money from his friend, cashed in his pension and 401k to pay for rent, and sells his belongings for alcohol money. His father gives him money behind his mothers back, and he just uses it to buy alcohol. He barely eats anymore. Since he has no money, no job, and no insurance, he cannot afford the treatment he needs. Be talks about going to AA meetings, but never goes. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much. We talk about getting married and having kids, and him quitting drinking. It doesn't seem like he will ever quit though. It's always excuse after excuse, and he blames genetics on his drinking problem instead of himself. I was a hard drug user of meth for 7 years and managed to kick the addiction, and I just kicked a 18 year pot addiction (smoked at the least 5 times a day EVERY DAY). It is frustrating that I have given up smoking pot to help encourage his path to recovery, but he can't extend the same effort to me. We used to smoke pot together, but not for the past 2 months since I've quit. I just don't know how to help him. Nothing I've tried has helped at all.

[Siren136]

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Get him to a doctor and get him on some meds. Apart from that there is not much you can do for him. He has to want to quit. You may want to get some counseling for yourself as well - my friend has had success with al-anon, which is for families of alcoholics.

Best of luck to you!

[DarlingNikki]

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Thank you for your post Siren, but he doesn't have insurance or a job. Getting him meds and to a doctor is difficult to do without a way to pay. He will not apply for government assistance......and I'm going to school full time and work a part time job and have no money to help him. It just feels hopeless most of the time. I can't give up on him, that's what everybody else in his life has done, and it didn't lead to success......just to him drinking alone more often. He has hit bottom. Would love to try the MWO program, but severely lack the funds to do so.

I will take your advice and find a support group for myself. Thank you.

[JackieClaire]

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Hi Nikki,
I was the alcoholic in our family and I was a nightmare to live with, but I came through with an understanding husband (who must have wanted to tear his hair out at times) but I finally broke free.


It may be for a while that you have to think about your own health and well being Al-Anon may be a good place for you to start. I'm sure with contacts they have there they'll be able to help you both.

Having a quick look through the link there's a phone number you can call. Just click on the link.

How to find a Meeting

I wish you the best.

[madmans]

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Hi Nikki you could direct him to this site for a start it's free and trust me lots of people here can relate to him, your boyfriend needs help and also needs to know that unless he stops you wont be around if he doesn't .
You can't make him , it will have to come from him , it's the only way he can beat it when he does it for himself but knowing you won't be there for him if he keeps drinking might help him decide.
Either way you have to take care of yourself and that might mean cutting him loose.

[Doggygirl]

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Hi Nikki. Welcome to My Way Out. Glad you found us. I wish there was a magical answer. Your BF is going to have to want sobriety enough FOR HIMSELF to fight for it.

Maybe you could share the My Way Out web link with him. As madmans said, it's free to read read read the various threads and see if anything rings true for him. I hope he finds his way out, and that you do to. (from a relationship dominated by alcohol, even though you are not the one drinking it)

DG

[DarlingNikki]

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Madmans- he has told me several times to leave him and "get out and run while you can. I'm poison and I am going to destroy you".

I will pass the link to this website on to him. He says he wants help and he wants to stop, but his actions say he doesn't. He only accepts financial support from his alcoholic buddy and his own brother. They use the financial support against him to get him to drink again. He lied about cutting them out of his life.....which I fully expected him to lie about it, he's an alcoholic, and that's what they do. He admits he has hit rock bottom and wants to climb his way back up, but nothing ever changes. He used to go to AA, but can't relate to the newer crowd and laughs at them because he says they really aren't alcoholics. He cant stand most self help books, especially ones that stray from what he has been taught in AA. He will not read a self help book that makes him take accountability for his own actions, he only reads the Big Book at times because he would rather hear that its a disease instead of his own actions coupled with poor decisions. Everything is a trigger for him. He attacked me verbally stating that my 7 year meth addiction, and 18 year pot addiction weren't really addictions, and if I was really an addict that I would have had a relapse happen more frequently. Can I force him into a recovery program (inpatient), create flyers with his face and give them to the liquor stores, or call the hospital on him?

[nancy]

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a tough problem

I am wondering how old your boyfriend is.
I think if he wanted to change, I would be more inclined to say stick with him and help. But he sounds very rigid in that he'll only see things one way and seems closed off from help. And you said he says other people in AA aren't real alcoholics? So maybe he has a more serious problem, a really serious problem?
His unemployment is a big problem, doesn't even seem to be explained by the amount of alcohol he is drinking.
I am not usually a person to say this kind of thing but I think you need to walk away. Maybe he'll grow up and change later?
As Doggy Girl suggested, send a link to this website. Very serious alcoholics are doing well with baclofen (check the medication section of this site). He needs to work to get money for the meds of course but maybe someone could help. Direct him to some resources and then distance yourself in a romantic way (you could still be friends if that is something you would want), find something more positive in a relationship, as it sounds like you've had plenty of your own issues with addiction.
Don't put his face on a flyer. He needs to get work. And I doubt you could force him into inpatient care.

Good luck,

[DarlingNikki]

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Nancy: he is 36 and has been an alcoholic for 15 years. He has already lost 2 LT relationships due to his drinking problem. In addition to his drinking, he has horrible self esteem issues........almost crippling. It's not because of looks or anything (he used to model) but because he feels worthless.......which I'm sure is due to all the drinking. I will take your advice to romantically distance myself, but to remain friends. His past relationships had ended with the words "when you get sober, call me" , but he let alcohol conquer love in the end. Maybe he needs a sober friendship to show that somebody cares enough to stick around......and then maybe that will help him on the road to recovery, knowing that love is at the end waiting for him.

THANK YOU.

[Rusty]

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he has told me several times to leave him and "get out and run while you can. I'm poison and I am going to destroy you".

If I were you, Nikki, I would follow his advice. You think if he had a sober partner, that it would change him. He has to WANT to change. Drinking hasn't hurt him enough to stop. As you've said, he says he wants to change but then he comes up with reasons why he doesn't have to. He's unemployed....he's destroyed two previous LT relationships, he's broke....he's exhausted his 401K. What does he have to offer you? What do YOU get out of the relationship....other than to dream that you might be the saviour, the one to rescue him?

Nancy's advice was the best....distance yourself.....make yourself less available so then you will not enable his behavior. Take care of yourself first and don't be pulled into his drama. Keep posting....we're a wonderful group here.

[madmans]

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Hi Nikki you can point him in the right direction but if he doesn't really want to get sober he won't , everything you have said about him is all caused by drink and that's not going to change, as has been said before get out while you can . i would really move on if he doesn't make any changes also how well do you know him sober? has he been drinking all the time you have been with him ?

he is 36 and has been an alcoholic for 15 years. He has already lost 2 LT relationships due to his drinking problem

This was me at 36 i'm 41 now.
There is hope for him but he has to make the change, show him this thread and tell him your gone if things don't change.

[DarlingNikki]

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Madmans: I only know him sober. He has detoxed in my company, but has never drank. We had a discussion about his drinking 2 nights ago, and he had said that he has been thinking about our future together and that he's already started planning great things for us. But last night he was about a little more than halfway through a fifth of rum. He started crying and shaking because he was out of control and wanted to stop so badly
but couldn't stop himself. He asked for help, and I've never heard such raw emotion in his voice before. He sounded like somebody begging for his life that was about to be the victim of a murder.......so desperate, so intense, just overrun with emotion.....I guess he sounded like a victim (begging for mercy and his life). I gave him the link to MWO and a few other sites, but I doubt he looked at them. Idk if looking at support sites is a trigger for him, or what the deal is. He likes to believe that he is stronger than he is, and can obtain sobriety on his own. I've tried to help SO MUCH, but he is incredibly stubborn and wants to do it himself.

Thank you for your continued advice and support.

[satz123]

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Nikki you need to leave him. Why do you feel you need to 'fix' him ?

Let's look at it :

• You see him one night a week
• He sends you home when he wants to to drink that one night ?
• He has no jobHe promises to stop drinking WHILE he is drinking - but doesn't even try.He has lost 2 LT relationships rather than try

Why are you with him? Really why? You are wasting your life on his man. If you walked away would he change to get you back ?

Try it and see !
Sorry Nikki but it's not worth ruining your life.

[DarlingNikki]

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Satz123: I have had a horrible life filled with abuse (drug, and physical) and have basically withdrawn from everything. Slowly getting better, but am frightened to meet new people and go out in public. I detest going out because nothing positive happens, and the people I have always met end up hurting me. My best and only friend moved away 4 months ago to England because she was getting married (her husband lives in England). My boyfriend has been there for me and has been supportive. He is the only guy I've been in a relationship that has been a gentleman. He is the sweetest most respectful guy I've ever been with. He makes me feel loved, and special. Our relationship is picture perfect aside from the drinking. He has never hit me, yelled at me, or verbally abused me. My parents absolutely love him......that's how amazing he is. My parents don't like anybody I've brought home. My life has been crazy (i am a professional makeup artist that tours with several famous bands). He is just about the only person I trust. Yes, he dropped me off once so he could go drink......but that's the ONLY hurtful thing he has ever done (besides drinking himself into oblivion). We only see each other once a week because I live in the city (Chicago) and he lives in the burbs (i don't have a car, you don't need one in the city).

[satz123]

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Ah Nikki :l:l
I really don't know what else to say. You were strong enough to turn your own life around perhaps you will be able to change him. .....
How many years are you prepared to spend doing this ?
5 ?
10?
The rest of your life ?

Just saying ....... tell him to quit or you are gone. See what reaction you get.