A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

[hidden_gem]

I just wanted to share a hard-learned lesson that I've finally come to terms with this week.

Most of us talk about other people from time to time. We are presented with magazines detailing all the bits and pieces of celebrities' lives. The newspapers are full of stories, and we are naturally curious to find out the "inside scoop". In our daily lives, we are often drawn to listen to others when they pass on gossip - and then we pass that on to others, too.

I've been in trouble before by talking about others when I shouldn't; because I've accidentally said something I shouldn't. I've never done this to intentionally hurt or slander someone. But it does happen.

This week, I saw my kinesiologist/therapist. She showed me very clearly that it is really important to maintain integrity and honesty with others. I told her that I feel drawn to gossip very often - and then feel awful about it afterwards - but still do it anyway. I likened it to eating crappy fast food, in that it tastes good at the time but leaves me with an icky feeling.

She gave me a really good piece of advice; that I shouldn't ever say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say if they were right there in the room with me. That doesn't mean that I can't be angry with someone, or disappointed; but I need to imagine what I would say if they were there; and I will automatically modify my language.

I've found this to be really powerful; and it works IMMEDIATELY! The proof is that I bumped into a friend of mine, who started to tell me the update on an ongoing situation between two mutual friends. I actually didn't tell her about my new plan; I just didn't join in. She actually got a bit awkward and embarrassed, and changed the subject. It was really amazing.

I have also decided that it would be quite appropriate for me to say sometimes: "I'm sorry, but I've noticed that when I talk about other people when they're not here, I feel awful afterwards."

The great thing is about this is that I can then always look people straight in the eye. And I will gain a reputation of being someone that others can trust.

I know that people are happy to gossip with me, but then think of me as being untrustworthy afterwards. So the easiest thing is now is for me to just take that whole thing out of the equation.

Obviously there are practical implications here. For example, if I am a manager, and an employee is coming to me to talk about another, I must listen to their concerns. But I can still imagine that the other person is there in the room when I speak.

What I have now noticed is that most of the people around me are gossips - but then, I have to say, that is probably because I've responded positively to them in the past. I've always passed this off as me being "interested in people" - but now I see that this doesn't serve me or others, because it means I am not seeing them as themselves, only what others have told me.

This may be nothing new to most people here. From what I've seen, everyone in this site is very caring of others. This is just my lesson at the moment; and I thought it might be worth mentioning. And I just wanted to affirm that this is my lesson for this week; and I'VE LEARNT IT!!

Much love

Gem x

[Popeye]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Hi Gem,
Thanks for the thoughful post.
I know what you mean.
I used to be guilty of gossiping. I've been on the wrong side of it a few times, which made me realise the damage it can do. I don't have any time for it any more.
I think it's a sign of insecurity; I'm better than him/her.
I have a brother-in-law who used to use me as an excuse. I'm smarter than him, better behaved and generally a nicer person. The only thing he can latch on to, is my drinking habits. (This is a guy who regularly gets thrown out of pubs for 'falling asleep'). He makes stuff up about me being too drunk to do this or that......etc. His wife, (my wife's sister), knows what he's about. I don't challenge these things. I just switch off. I like him. Time will tell, not me.

[Bella]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

You have learnt a very good lesson from your therapist Hidden-gem. You are right, it doesn't pay to talk badly of others behind their back. I have a friend who loves doing it and i always remember and imagine that person to be in the room too. She likes to draw me in and asks for my opinion but i don't, so she has to find someone else to gossip with. It leaves a bad taste in mouth and it really is not fair. I think the best motto is: Treat people how you would like to be treated yourself. End of. Bella xx

[tea]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Hi HGem, that one really brought me up short. I find it hard not joining in goss at work, really try not to, have tried just making noises such as oh, hmmm, etc instead of putting mouth into gear. Going to try to think of person being right behind me (as has happened), hope brain kicks in, also have been behind folks saying stuff about me too (not nice).

Thanks v much for that,

Lorna xx

[southernbelle47]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Good one Gem..
I too have been guilty and felt bad afterward. The tongue is the strongest weapon we have, isn't it? My group did a study on the book of James and our tongue-speech. It was a hard one to get through but much needed.
Great ideas from your coach! I'm going to try that. Thanks for sharing.

Love,
Nancy

[Popeye]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

:h

[PeggySue]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Remember Bambi

As Thumper said to Bambi;" My mom told me if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all".

[cassy]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Hi all


Its a test to try when out with friends..say no conversation about "other people"..eveyone looks lost . Its amazing how much time we spend talking about other people ...its habit forming.


Cassy

[weemelonhead]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Gem....you ARE a gem.....I needed to read your post today...it makes great sense..
I try not to gossip, but there is a woman at work who I find particularly repellant, as do many others, and I find I waste a lot of energy getting cross about things she does or doesn't do, and then jabbering away about it to everyone afterwards...like you...I feel a right bitch when i do it...but seem to relish it at the time...HORRIBLE....

I shall remember your advice about imagining she is there with me when I speak...I really need to get my head round this....I want a healthy guilt free mind as well as a booze free body..

Thank you Gem...great post missus:h:
weeshamefulmelon xxx

[hidden_gem]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Thanks everyone for your great responses... like I said I felt this was primarily MY big lesson, but I just wanted to share in case it helped someone avert the kind of stuff I've been up against lately!

The update is that since I've been practising this new philosophy, some people don't find me so interesting anymore... but I feel better!

Kind of like the people that thought I was more interesting drunk find me less interesting when sober!

Funny, huh?

Gem x

[Rags]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

My dear Gem,
If there's enough interest in my Buddhist threads, in a couple of weeks I'll be writing about the "noble eightfold path" which includes.... right speech! It includes a lot of what you mentioned... idle or malicious gossip, the time it wastes, the hurt it does to ourselves and others and a lot more. Wow, from sage advice from 2,700 years ago, it now has expanded to include the world wide web too............ we can now gossip and spread rumours world wide in an instant! Or choose not to.
Rags

[Eliziby]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Hi Gem, that's really a good lesson for all us. I think that's how God expects us to react to gossip. Thanks for sharing.

[SKendall]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Gem, this is such an important post on many levels. I have indulged in the practice especially when I have felt low - to help me feel better? I don't know, but once I have indulged I have felt tainted somehow and felt less about myself when I was in fact trying to feel better than someone.

Hollywood gossip is fun, but I got very uncomfortable about Britney Spears - I mean it's a sad story of mental issues.

Thanks Gem.

[hidden_gem]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Thanks Rag, Eliziby, and Skendall (and again all those who have posted on this before - thank so much, it reaffirms my journey!)

As I said before, I have only been practising this for a week, but the benefits have been HUGE.

How wonderful it has been to look people in the eye. How wonderful it has been to feel that purity. Not from any sense that someone may have passed on my words (but of course that has always been my fear before), but more that I can look them clearly in the eye and feel no guilt.

And as often happens when you learn an important lesson, there is yet another lesson behind it.

Part of my lessons learned before have involved the importance of letting another be themselves. I have taken that on board, and learned to listen to others.

Now that I have learned integrity, it also means that I have to speak up where I hear injustice. Not in a judgmental way; not in a way that belittles others; but simply a clear message that I will not be a party to this.

This has brought up my "stuff" in a myriad of ways. Now, not only do I have to imagine the person speaking about being present; I also have to voice that I do not appreciate negative views being expressed in my presence.

This has been really hard for me so far; because all my learning has been about how to accept others for who they are. So it is a very fine line between accepting others for who they are; and stating that I do not like how they are speaking.

But it comes back to this. What would I want others to do, if I heard someone talk about my ethnic group, my religion, my sex, my social group, my belief group, in a negative way?

I would not want that person to judge, be abusive, or berate others, or shame them. But I would want them simply to ask that that be ceased. To underline that we are all equal. But I would not want them to stay silent, because that would indicate that the prejudice was acceptable.

It's a tough and very emotional subject. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Gem x

[DidItForMe]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Gem:
This is a great thread. No, this is nothing new to any of us (i hope!) that we should not be talking about or gossiping about other people. I think that is common sense. However, it is certainly a good reminder because many of us, including myself, fall prey to it time and time again. Like you, I have tried to think about having the person about whom I'm speaking actually being in the room and that helps a lot.
I believe it is much more dificult to get others to do the same like you just said in your last post. I can be responsible for me, and I should say something if others are being hurtful or destructive. But is there a limit? I mean, freedom of speech is one thing and I can't control everything, we all know that, I also know that if someone is on a rampage I am not going to put myself in harms way. Those are the extremes. But where in the middle is it my responsibilty to stop someone and when is it OK to be quiet? I tend to be on the quiet side and am more comfortable not speaking up. Any suggestions on how to nicely say "that is inappropriate" or "gee, I hope you don't say things like that about me when I'm not in the room!"