Spring Cleaning..
A while back, several members would write of having the drive to do an extensive “spring cleaning” in both their lives, and their homes. After maybe 2 or 3 months of continued sobriety, hope springs, and an urge to discard all things associated with drinking seems to manifest. You know, the drinking accessories such as bar implements, glasses, and what not. Other things as well, maybe clothes, or other personal items that remind us of a particular drinking episode of shame.
Myself, I went through a period about a year ago where I sort of went berserk, and got rid of a lot of stuff. I sold a couple of vehicles that were old and worn out, and bought a newer car that was fuel-efficient. Accumulated junk of years also went by the wayside.
Now, over 15 AF months later, I am going through another phase of this same thing, and this time it is even more thorough. Books, magazines, papers, more clothing, and many things I held onto for “security blanket” reasons are now getting the heave ho as well.
Computer parts, knick-knacks, dishes, and a lot of other things are getting either tossed or sold.
It seems as if I am experiencing a major shift in my self-image, and an intense urge for simplicity and organization is gaining strength. During my drinking days, it was as if I had a strong connection to things of the past, since my future never seemed valid. After all, a hard-core drinker like I used to be, lived in the past for many reasons, and tended to hang onto material things from the past for security. It’s as if at some deep level, I knew my future could only end in disaster.
After all these months of painful and intense psychological self-evaluation, and catharsis, I continue to grow in the hope that sober Neil is here to stay in power. After battle after battle with old drinking Neil, he is relenting, and finding that the past is no place for either of us to live.
Maybe this is all a physical manifestation of a deeper emotional healing. I took my entire library of books collected over 40 years, and took a long hard look at each one. Am I really interested in this anymore? Does this even represent something I need to have anymore? I pulled every one from the shelves, and ended up paring them down, destined for the library donation box. Organizing and rearranging. Every single thing I am looking at I ask the question, “Does this represent or remind me of my drinking days?”
If so, do I need to keep it for any right reason?
I suppose that the AA 12 step process embodies this somewhat with one step about taking a “fearless moral inventory”. Even though I don’t abide by the AA method, I do see that some of the steps are valid for me in this light. A fearless inventory of the psyche has now taken physical form. I am becoming a new person, bit by bit. So many things collected and amassed from over 30 years of boozing are no longer relevant. It’s funny, as if something terribly important to me 5 years ago, now appears as if it belonged to someone else. In a way, it did.
The whole shape of my living space is transforming. Less baggage, and more efficiency and streamlining. More space to think and live. Less garbage to clog and impede my efforts at realizing whom I want to become. A sober, rational, human being. An emotionally stable, calm, and competent man.
I had so many systems devised to support a hard drinking lifestyle. I had some real clever crap I had come up with, just to support my drinking so I could get away with it with minimal trouble. Maybe you have done, or do the same. Those systems, and habits become incredibly ingrained over the space of three decades. Now they are being dismantled, like blowing up the old casino to make room for a new gym. Drinking Neil is taking the back seat. I know he will always be there, and believe me; I have the rear view mirror still focused on him.
You know when traveling with kids, the old adage “Don’t make me come back there. I will stop this car, and whip your butt!” It’s like that with drinking Neil these days. Sober Neil is driving, and every once in a while has to yell, “Don’t make me come back there!”
This is new and strange for me. It’s unexpected for sure. This recovery and healing process takes weird forms sometimes. The best word I can find to describe it is “transcending”. Sober Neil is growing and getting stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. The sober Neil of today, is fundamentally different than the sober Neil of one year ago. It is amazing, and astounding.
This is hope for the future, in a new way I have never known before. It is worth the fire and agony my friends.
Be well.
Neil
A while back, several members would write of having the drive to do an extensive “spring cleaning” in both their lives, and their homes. After maybe 2 or 3 months of continued sobriety, hope springs, and an urge to discard all things associated with drinking seems to manifest. You know, the drinking accessories such as bar implements, glasses, and what not. Other things as well, maybe clothes, or other personal items that remind us of a particular drinking episode of shame.
Myself, I went through a period about a year ago where I sort of went berserk, and got rid of a lot of stuff. I sold a couple of vehicles that were old and worn out, and bought a newer car that was fuel-efficient. Accumulated junk of years also went by the wayside.
Now, over 15 AF months later, I am going through another phase of this same thing, and this time it is even more thorough. Books, magazines, papers, more clothing, and many things I held onto for “security blanket” reasons are now getting the heave ho as well.
Computer parts, knick-knacks, dishes, and a lot of other things are getting either tossed or sold.
It seems as if I am experiencing a major shift in my self-image, and an intense urge for simplicity and organization is gaining strength. During my drinking days, it was as if I had a strong connection to things of the past, since my future never seemed valid. After all, a hard-core drinker like I used to be, lived in the past for many reasons, and tended to hang onto material things from the past for security. It’s as if at some deep level, I knew my future could only end in disaster.
After all these months of painful and intense psychological self-evaluation, and catharsis, I continue to grow in the hope that sober Neil is here to stay in power. After battle after battle with old drinking Neil, he is relenting, and finding that the past is no place for either of us to live.
Maybe this is all a physical manifestation of a deeper emotional healing. I took my entire library of books collected over 40 years, and took a long hard look at each one. Am I really interested in this anymore? Does this even represent something I need to have anymore? I pulled every one from the shelves, and ended up paring them down, destined for the library donation box. Organizing and rearranging. Every single thing I am looking at I ask the question, “Does this represent or remind me of my drinking days?”
If so, do I need to keep it for any right reason?
I suppose that the AA 12 step process embodies this somewhat with one step about taking a “fearless moral inventory”. Even though I don’t abide by the AA method, I do see that some of the steps are valid for me in this light. A fearless inventory of the psyche has now taken physical form. I am becoming a new person, bit by bit. So many things collected and amassed from over 30 years of boozing are no longer relevant. It’s funny, as if something terribly important to me 5 years ago, now appears as if it belonged to someone else. In a way, it did.
The whole shape of my living space is transforming. Less baggage, and more efficiency and streamlining. More space to think and live. Less garbage to clog and impede my efforts at realizing whom I want to become. A sober, rational, human being. An emotionally stable, calm, and competent man.
I had so many systems devised to support a hard drinking lifestyle. I had some real clever crap I had come up with, just to support my drinking so I could get away with it with minimal trouble. Maybe you have done, or do the same. Those systems, and habits become incredibly ingrained over the space of three decades. Now they are being dismantled, like blowing up the old casino to make room for a new gym. Drinking Neil is taking the back seat. I know he will always be there, and believe me; I have the rear view mirror still focused on him.
You know when traveling with kids, the old adage “Don’t make me come back there. I will stop this car, and whip your butt!” It’s like that with drinking Neil these days. Sober Neil is driving, and every once in a while has to yell, “Don’t make me come back there!”
This is new and strange for me. It’s unexpected for sure. This recovery and healing process takes weird forms sometimes. The best word I can find to describe it is “transcending”. Sober Neil is growing and getting stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. The sober Neil of today, is fundamentally different than the sober Neil of one year ago. It is amazing, and astounding.
This is hope for the future, in a new way I have never known before. It is worth the fire and agony my friends.
Be well.
Neil
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