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**blondie** · July 12, 2013, 01:13 AM

af Friday 12 July

Hi TT - you'll be enjoying your movie and dinner by now. Good job on not mentioning food. I think you got away with it Fawlty Towers - Don't Mention the War | Free Video Clips | SPIKE
:H

**Mick** · July 12, 2013, 01:23 AM

af Friday 12 July

MAE all how are you ?just a really quick whistle stop this morning...got to be the other side of Manchester for 8.45 so ..off we go ..yep another Sunday mission!!

so the choice was lots of blurb ...or a good few jokes..and I knew you would rather listen to me!!!!maybe one day I will tell you what I do with all these outings but up till then :no:

Tea and coffee on the go ..as well as iced water.....temps over here going to hit the 30s today.
Made 3rd fence panel yesterday..and decided to get a bigger greenhouse .the one I have got is only 6x6..so increasing it to 10 x 6 that way gives me more room without blocking any view out
Hiya Lav...you up with the kids ?quick get a brew wow that cherry garcia looks ace...bet that sits well in the cholestoral bank!
iya blondie ..yes Irn Bru..as we speak I have 8 litres in the cupboard ..you might be able to take the man out of Scotland ,but you cant take Scotland out of the man!!
As for early morning curries yep remember them and the 3am Greek facecloths(kebab wiped all round your chops after a bellyful of beer)
Hi ppqp ..coffee?have a great day

Pologies folkS gotta go...HAND

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ?Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while??
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ?No, I won?t sleep with you tonight!?
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ?I?m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I?m a graduate student in psychology and I?m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.?
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, ?What do you mean $200??

Tom, dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize ? a whole year?s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. dick was the winner of the second prize ? six month?s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize ? a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
?Great,? said Tom. ?I love spaghetti.?
?So do I,? said Dick. ?And how?s the toilet brush, Harry??
?Not so good,? Harry said, ?I reckon I?ll go back to paper??

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, ?Now cut that out! I warned you!? and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, ?If I told them once I told them 100 times ? NO SINGING IN THE BAR!?

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, ?No thanks. I don?t drink. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
So the bartender said, ?Well, would you like a cigarette??
But the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
The bartender asked him if he?d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn?t be here at all, but I?m waiting for my son.?
The bartender said, ?Your only son, I?m guessing.?

Woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they?re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. ?First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.? So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue??..salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys??..smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks??..this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. ?.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits? ?. At two seconds the Baileys curdles ?. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. ?..At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, ?Jesus, what do you call that drink??
She smiles widely at him and says, ?Blow Job Revenge.

Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain, no real feeling of illness. You?re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink five sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Philly sub and steak fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache, stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You?ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke ? yet you haven?t peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can?t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can?t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm and the first of about five craps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don?t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ?floater? thrown in. The sole purpose of this ?floater? seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now?

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn?t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ?I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I?ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it??
?My wife?s.?
?What happened to her??
The man replied, ?My dog attacked and killed her.? He inquired further, ?But who is in the second hearse?? The man answered, ?My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.? A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
?Can I borrow the dog??
?Get in line.?

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ?I?m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.?
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn?t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, ?No, no, I?m sorry, it?s entirely my fault. Today Is my first day driving a cab? I?ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.?

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, ?Daddy, what?s s*x??
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, s*xual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams?and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he?s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: ?So what did you want to know about s*x for??
?Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs??

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
?Let?s try to make this look natural ?she said. ?Junior, put your arm around your dad?s shoulder.?
The father answered, ?If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket??

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
?Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.? Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:?You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks.?
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
?Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren?t yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don?t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.?

Wouldn?t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you?d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I?d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
?Hey Bitch,? I said. ?You?re so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!?
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: ?In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!?

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company?s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
?Holy cow, Mister,? one of them said after catching his breath, ?You scared us half to death ? we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night??
?Those fools!? the old man grumbled. ?They misspelled my name!?

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, ?Mommy, can little girls have babies??
?No,? said his mom, ?of course not.?
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, ?It?s okay, we can play that game again!?

**bear73** · July 12, 2013, 01:47 AM

af Friday 12 July

hey all whizzing in quickly - doing affirmations like a good girl

Lav - that ice cream sounds AMAZING!

Gotta run been looking at CBT online tools and now need to get in the shower.

Good day all to come - see you all later

**Lavande** · July 12, 2013, 06:58 AM

af Friday 12 July

Good morning Abbers!

Ice cream anyone? :H
That stuff is definitely good but like any treat, use with caution

Coconut milk has zero cholesterol but the saturated fat in it raises serum cholesterol levels.
I actually did buy myself a Cuisinart ice cream maker, specifically to make vegan ice creams. The store bought stuff is quite expensive & has lots of additives that I don't want. I make regular ice cream for the kids too. The whole process takes all of 15-20 minutes.

I am kid free today & thinking about taking a nap this afternoon, no kidding :H
First I must get myself to Curves.

Greetings TT, blondie, Mick, bear & everyone. Have a terrific AF Friday!
Lav

**Cinders** · July 12, 2013, 08:09 AM

af Friday 12 July

MAE Abbers,

Lav, I was researching on different ice creams, lactose free, whey free, etc and ended up reading about my favorite ice cream. Breyer's Ice Cream. I have always loved it and found it superior to many of the high end ice creams on the market. However, I haven't eaten it in the last few years, except the Carb Smart versions due to GB and sugar issues.

I was very saddened to see that Breyer's now uses a new additive: Tara Gum.

While I have nothing to say of the safety of it, I think it is very sad that the ice cream I was passionate about in the past, having only cream, milk and sugar in its list of ingredients, except of course the flavored ones, now has an additive.

I am going to have to buy some and see if it has changed its taste.

I think purchasing an ice cream maker may be in my future.

If you aren't watching the little one, why are you up so early?

TT, Stay warm and drive carefully. I have lived where the winters had plenty of ice on the roads and that is a dangerous situation no matter how good a driver.

Mick, When is the surgery again? Too lazy to look back. :-)

Bear, Sounds like you are doing well. Keep it up.

Blondie, Yes, I mentioned food. Hope there are no lashes coming my way. Do you like living in Perth? Is it a congested city?

Det, June, CB, Y@H, Wits end (where are you?), crikey, who am I missing?

Waves to all.

Have a great, sober Friday. Remember it is POETS day!!

Love,
Cindi

**Cinders** · July 12, 2013, 08:13 AM

af Friday 12 July

Aha, Move over Breyers, welcome Blue Bunny!!

INGREDIENTS: Milk, Cream, Skim Milk, Sugar, Egg Yolks, Natural Vanilla Extract and Vanilla Bean Specks.

**porqoui** · July 12, 2013, 08:25 AM

af Friday 12 July

&(*^&&*^%&#$ - Where's my post!!!! - #(*%^@*&$)

Just previewed my post, hit submit and saw Cindi had posted.
Was going to edit mine to say hi and there it was gone.

Friggin Fraggin will try again later....

PPQP

**YoungAtHeart** · July 12, 2013, 08:29 AM

af Friday 12 July

MAE Fabbies!

Just getting back in the swing of things after all the moving, visiting, etc. It's good to be back to normal, although it has taken awhile.

Mick, it's nice to know that we may find out someday about your secret adventures.

Enjoy your child-free day, Lav. A nap sounds just heavenly. Home-made ice cream with coconut milk sounds to die for, and maybe I'll try the store-bought stuff for starters.

TT- you did a pretty good job of not mentioning food. I hope you enjoy your time with your daughter during her break.

I'm glad to see you doing well, bear.

Good to see you as well, blondie!

Waves, Cinders! Thanks for asking after me. I've just been soberly lurking. How are plans for the cleaning business coming along?

Well, Maddie is moving back home for a number of months in two weeks. It is going to be a full house now with my having my office at home, as well. She wants to save money and pay off her student loans for 6-12 months and then move into a nicer place than the one she was living in. I have to clean up all my papers and stuff before she comes in, because I certainly can't expect her to keep the place any cleaner than I do.

Okay, well hugs to all and for all that come, PPQP, SL, etc.

Have a good AF day.

:l
YahYah

**YoungAtHeart** · July 12, 2013, 08:30 AM

af Friday 12 July

Poor PPQP! :upset:

Way to go, Blue Bunny! :H

**paulywogg** · July 12, 2013, 09:54 AM

af Friday 12 July

quick pop in to say hi

mick,that hangover list should be in the toolbox,good reminder,bleck

**Mick** · July 12, 2013, 10:51 AM

af Friday 12 July

good idea pauly....no issues from me if you put it in....I aint clever enough!!

**TheSunFlower** · July 12, 2013, 08:14 PM

af Friday 12 July

I had to do a presentation for my peers today. I can stand in front of clients all day.....peers is just awful. We all had to do it and we all agreed it was us at our worst.

Anatomy....OMG....I swear he is speaking French! I stayed late at work to get my notes in order and pay bills.

I really don't know how I afforded to drink these last few years.

I was wiped out and overwhelmed. I felt myself slipping. I didn't want to drink...but I certainly was wishing for something to slow down my brain and take the edge off. Then I just pouted in my mind about how much I missed a Friday night happy hour. Of course mine was never an hour:H. Still not so much a craving a drink. Just wanting an escape.

Got home and headed to the pool...which is where I am now. The sprinkler system kicked on for all the plants on the outside of the pool. The only place to sit is staring at the bar across the street:upset:

Which got me laughing. Last week I stayed up way too late....and watched everyone stumbling home from the bar. Really not something I care to do ever again.

Also...note to self. Recently I heard people at work talking about joyfully drinking. Then an hour later they were talking badly of a client....who is a drunk. I just found it ironic that this is a drug that one minute they can describe in such in joyful manner....but then talk so poorly about someone using it. Of course I understand the difference....but it's the only drug I know of that can be talked of so openly....and described in two complete opposites. If that makes sense?

**Lavande** · July 12, 2013, 08:51 PM

af Friday 12 July

It make sense to me SF!
It's legal to buy it, legal to drink it & legal to make an ass of yourself, over & over

I still use the distraction technique when I get feeling antsy, angry, aggravated, etc - drinking is not an option

Cindi - you asked why I was up so early with no kids here?
That's easy - it's my built-in hot flash alarm! Wakes me every damn morning between 5-5:30 am. That's been going on for nearly 20 years :H:H
Go to Amazon & get a Cuisinart ice cream maker like this:
Amazon.com: Cuisinart ICE-21 Frozen Yogurt-Ice Cream & Sorbet Maker, White: Kitchen & Dining
It's simple to use & fast too!

Hi YahYah!
My daughter & granddaughter stayed over Tuesday & Wednesday nights. Now I remember how my daughter always left a trail of stuff behind her & I was always after her to pick up :H
I hope you & your daughter can stay out of each other's way with love

Still raining here, yuck.

**Determinator** · July 12, 2013, 11:10 PM

af Friday 12 July

whew! a very tired check-in for Mr D. up since way too early but fighting the good fight.

boy, if I had an icecream maker I'd be in big trouble

be well everyone

zzzzz

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