discovery

[karma7171]

I am discovery and decided to change my name. While I still feel my home is long term astainers....I have been having a rough time of it. I will sum it up short and sweet.

After living the good life without alcohol for several (7-8 months) I was just overtaken in what felt like an ambush. Got drunk called sponsor and all that good stuff...of course after I had been drinking...which really does not good. Get right back on the wagon....then seem to be overtaken again...hide beer in my car...wait for hubby to leave....drink like a pig....call hubby to bring more beer home...end up calling 911...being taken to the hosptial...totally wanting to go to rehab. However, after 5 hours with a splitting headache and they refuse to give me anything...I decide to go home. Also, while there I am basically pushed off into the corner, because they need to deal with the real drunks (2 of them) who have flipped their cars. So go to Chicago 10 year wedding anniversary and hubby gives me the green light to drink....I mean after freaking dinner....and it is 6:30pm what else are we going to do? Jazz bar...all good. Howl at the Moon...pretty good until I decide to make friends with everyone in the bar....husband little pissed, but we leave deciding to stop and have one more in the way to the hotel. Well all those bars are closed, but I am admant....I "need" one more drink. Leave Hubby at hotel and got to Rush street. Talk to very nice girl for 2 hours...drink 3 beers....of course tell one person that I am an alcoholic...and they say..."Well you really don't look like one"....then someone buys shots for everyone at the bar before it closes....I refuse the shot (I gave those up long ago) and then they tell me well a real alcoholic after the bar stops serving would of course have the shot. I am wasted...but like most drunks still seem to have my wits about me. I assure them that I am a real alcoholic and I beg for another beer. Owner kindly says you have had enough....I get in cab go back to hotel at 4am...husband is sooooooo pissed. Which I understand.....but he knows that I ever really stop until it is all gone or the bar physically shuts down. I call Becca crying....she tells me put on my party boots...because I can not f-up the whole day in Chicago for my hubby. I was able to get it together and did not drink that day. But I am freaking drinking now! It is like the light went back on in January.....and I so really enjoyed while it was out.

I know that several of you have spoken about fighting with that voice.....can you give me some detail....because that is where my heart lays....in long term abstainers. My hubby has said that he really misses having a few drinks with me...but of course it never stops at a few.

Also, I have done the AA thing....and while I do believe that it has really great points.....I could not deal with 3/4 of the room basically being psycho. These people are awesome....but I just got tired of the basic same rants and getting advice from some one who clearly did not have what I wanted.......

Kim

[tawnyfrog]

discovery

Kim, Kim, Kim ....

Breathe.

I've known and watched you for a long time and I know you can do this again. I agree with Kate. I hate the phrase "don't beat yourself up". I see it used on a daily basis. I find it gratuitous. If I hadn't metaphorically beaten myself to a pulp, I would never have crawled in here, bleeding and battered, pleading for help.

DO beat yourself up. Thoroughly. Give yourself a good and proper thrashing. Deep down, you know you have a reserve of bandages and salves and unctions and ointments at your disposal. You've used them before. You'll use them again. And you have us.

Hang in there, Kim.

PS - I also sleep better when the light is out.

[karma7171]

discovery

beating me

My hubby came down to give me the same beatting....I deserverved it!!!! Love you for giving me the way it should be......no sugar crap...the way it is....sugar my ass...when someone walksa into a 7-11 and asks for some breast cancer call mee......and we can aboo hoo together....love you alll.....and I really reallly reaLLY DO.....lOVE YOU ALL!

[Guest]

discovery

Karma, I rarely come to this area of MWO, not sure why, just haven't. I came on here in March...very gung-ho. Last week was the week from hell...drink myself stupid, wrecked a car, sprained my ankle...I can't even list it all. I was mentally and physically drained....BUT, started over again yesterday...I didn't start drinking over night and I don't suppose it will go away over night either. Just try again.....daughter was VERY mad at me. she doesn't sugar coat anything...mean ol' kid...LOL (just like her mama...we both are a bit of a 'spitfire"...BUT she has red hair too!!!) I agree, sometimes I have to beat myself up to GET UP again.

[ylfa]

discovery

Dear karma.
I know everything you talk about. It could be me you wrote about apart from that I have never been to the states ( I am working on that
It is always difficult to slip after along sober time. But all sober time are not lost and that means you are much faster on your feet again. Dont be to hard on your self.
The only way now is up.
Take care ,
Ylfa

[xtexan]

discovery

Kim:

One of the things that I spend a lot of time researching, and learning about is that condition called relapse. It seems to be one of those things that has an extremely high incidence amongst those dependent on the booze.

Please note that I say dependent, and not "alcoholic". Like many others here, I hate that word because it has so much stigma attached to. It has a lot of unjustified social judgement attached to it, that I find to be counter-productive to our goals.

That said, I believe that the biggest part of my drinking binges, were due to an emotional dependence on alcohol intoxication. The physical urge to get wasted in my case, was due to emotional turmoil and agitation. Both depression and anxiety, and I self medicated to the extreme to deal with it.

So, it is my intention, to get a handle on just what triggers me into even a mere thought of having a drink, much less a physical craving. I hear stories all the time of those who have gone months, even years without a drink of booze, and then one day, WHAM!

My closest call to relapse since I went AF over 15 months ago, was at the nine month mark. It was what prompted me to find, and join this forum. In retrospect, I was under a lot of stress at the time, and most of it seems to have been internally generated by my own mind. Since then, I have been under much higher levels of external stress, but have not even come close to where I was at during that nine month mark.

So, I have written about my great fear of another wave hitting, or of something occurring that will disrupt my current mindset to such a degree, that the idea of intoxication becomes "attractive" again. That's the word I'm looking for. Attractive. Every time I ever took a drink, was because the next gulp was attractive. I believed in my mind, that there was some thing in those ethanol molecules that would take me away from the misery, and carry me towards being happy. In the short term, maybe it does. In the long term, well..... that's why we are all here on this forum I think. The long term consequences are just too damn high a price to pay for the short hours of the numbness. The destruction it exacts, is just not worth it.

So, you ask about the details of the "voice". How to fight it. In my case, I had to compartmentalize it. You may have read about how I refer to "drinking Neil" and "sober Neil". This is a psychological model that has worked for me. As I went further, I realized some research on how the inner child was a true psychological model for me as well. Hence, "child Neil" become an important concept in my journey towards being non-dependent on the booze.

There is "alcohol dependent", and "alcohol non-dependent" in my view. In my case, it was one or the other. The first one was going to kill me. The second is what I strive for every day now. Not there yet. This is going to take a long time, and I still do the work and my program.

I guess, to get down to brass tacks, you need an emergency system, only used for those certain times when the relapse gets dangerously close. My Dad always called it "having another shotgun in the hall closet". That means when your first lines of defense no longer work, then you need to have developed a second line, and even a third line of defense. In my case, it is supplements, routines, books, audios, or anything else that I do not use on a daily, or even weekly basis. As I wean myself slowly off other supplements, I still keep them around. For example, I have not taken kudzu in over a year. But I still keep a bottle around, and in fact I got a new one courtesy of R.J. just the other day.

Read my post on xtexans program. There is a lot of excellent stuff in the research section that was posted by a member called CV1. She spent a lot of time putting a lot of hard information in that section, and I hope it is not lost on anyone looking for quick fixes. These things take a lot of time and hard work. Very hard work.

I work things day to day even now. Just because I have gone so many months AF, in no way means I'm even close to being out of the woods. I drank for 35 years, and stuggled for the majority of that time to free myself from the dependence. I have longer, and longer periods of good feelings that I can live the rest of my life AF. Some days, it is just a major battle with old "drinking Neil". I can't kill him. I have to live with him.

So, after all that discourse, I may not have answered your question, but maybe I've managed to give you a bit of insight on fighting battles. This is WAR for me. No mercy on the enemy. The enemy means to kill me, and I still look for new weapons every day.

In fact, I am now experimenting with a new mineral supplement, almost unknown. Been on it for a few days now, and I am majorly impressed with some new results. It is a controversial compound, and as such, I will give it several more days before I post anything on it.

Keep on fightin'

Neil

[nancy]

discovery

I am a bit shocked at your husband's behavior. I know ultimately it is your decision to drink, but he is encouraging you? that is really not good. then he gets mad when you can't just have a few? when you are struggling with this kind of problem it's bad to get encouragement to drink, makes it all the more tempting to fold. i think he needs to be more supportive. good luck!

[karma7171]

discovery

Thanks

I know that several of you have watched my ups and downs. I am going to start looking into relapse prevention....looking back now I can see the signs that led up to my relapse. It is easier to get right back up again....especially when you know how much better life is without drinking at all. I guess there will always be those moments where I just want nothing else but to be wasted....but that does not mean I have to act on it. And we all know that those few hours are never worth the price that gets paid.

Anyways...thanks to everyone. And sorry for the ridiculous drunk out of my mind post, but it seems that we can no longer edit our posts.

Kim