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Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

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    Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

    My Mom and Dad have been married for close to 40 years. Our upbringing was good. My father owned his own business which my mother worked at for some years, my brother works at now on a limited basis, and I as his daughter work there 35 hours per week. My father has always drank but last (last five years) its progressively worse. 2-3 or sometimes 4 martinis every night. In addition, he will have a liquid lunch with someone from the office.

    Lately, there has been talk of closing the business due to the economy which has brought about nightly fights and after a couple of drinks it only gets worse. My parents have put so much of their own monies into the business and they may not recoup it if we close it now. The past two years, the verbal abuse my mother has taken is out of control. Let me add one more thing, I know how bad the verbal abuse can be, because I am a recovering alcoholic (4 1/2 years) and my husband and kids have told me and are still telling me many stories of what I have done. Someday I hope to publish my story if I can help just 1 person!

    Over the past week, my mother has been staying with me, but she feels like her best friend has died. It's breaking my heart. When my dad is actively drinking, he is cruel, demeaning, blaming and my mother has started to believe she's worthless. On the opposite side, my mother can nag, she will not let things go.

    I have made an appointment with a psychologist for my mother and I will go with her. My father said he will go later if my mother likes him, but he will never stop drinking or go to AA. My husband and I have explained that we are not taking sides. All my mother does is cry, shake, physical exhaustion. This may sound ridiculous, is there anyway they can work this out without removing the alcohol? Thanks..Courage:new: :thanks:

    #2
    Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

    Hi Courage and I love your name.

    I am so sorry your parents are dealing with this now and that you are put in the middle, even though you say you are not taking sides.

    From your story it sounds like your mother has taken a lot of abuse and she has decided that she's just not going to do it anymore, good for her. Your father, well he will need to hit "his" rock bottom to decide to change and keep her in his life. No one wants to live with someone who is out of control.

    I wish you the best
    "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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      #3
      Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

      Hi Courage, and welcome,
      I really feel for you my father was an alcoholic,my mum wasn't
      but when he was drinking their relationship was very abusive.
      it seems like your mother has had enough.The one thing an
      alcoholic has to do is to recognise he has a problem,and until
      he does nobody can do anything for him. Like beaches says
      he has to hit his rock bottom,maybe then you can help, but
      until he does there is not a lot you can do. But you must look
      after your self, you have obviously done very well,and care
      a great deal.
      .

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        #4
        Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

        thanks Beaches and Paula for the support!

        Comment


          #5
          Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

          Hi Courage, your story sounds very familiar. In my case, its my mam whos the drinker - shes 78 and dad is 86. They too had their own business for many years and when they retired, it was mam who it hit the hardest. They had always been social drinkers but Dad lost himself in his garden and basically mam lost herself in the bottle. Over the last 10 years I have lost count as to how many times she has been in hospital. Her liver and kidneys are seriously damaged. Two years ago, things became so impossible at home (my 50 year disabled brother lives with them) that my dad had to move out into residential care. Mam blamed dad for her drinking but even after he moved out still mam kept drinking. Now my disabled brother is her carer - she sends him out to get her alcohol daily as she's too unwell to get it herself. My brother is not strong enough to say no to her and if he does, she makes his life murder. At the moment, she's been in hospital 2 weeks and the dementia she often gets after a bad drinking spell, has not gone and she's very confused. I live 300 miles away and cannot get home as often as I would like but have been caught up in this between the three of them over the years. Over the last five years my drinking has steadily increased and was becoming unmanageable, but in April I found this site and realised I had to change or I might as well be looking into the future when I see the state my mam is in. I am now on day 18 AF. I feel that I have lost my real mam and have done my grieving even though she's still with us. On a more positive note, my dad has had a better quality of life since he moved out and although he didn't want to do it, mam just made it impossible for him to stay with all the abuse he was getting. Alcohol truly does tear families apart - my mam has driven everyone away who loves and cares for her except for my brother. She has no interest in anything whatsoever except the drink. I'm not sure whats going to happen as the hospital think she is not well enough to come back home and may end up in a home as my brother is finding it increasingly hard to cope. You mam and dad are still relatively young - your mam needs to be strong but she does need to think about herself and what the future holds. I hope things work out for you and your family. Janice
          AF since 9 May 2012
          Quit trying to control something that is uncontrollable (Bear February 08)

          Comment


            #6
            Help With Seniors Father Mother (Age 65)

            I think some people on this website find it impossible, at least in the beginning, to imagine a life without alcohol. Maybe this is the position your father is in.

            I think you or a psychologist should have a heart to heart with him, accept that at least for now abstinence is out of the question, but ask him if he is happy the way things are, with his wife miserable, feeling demeaned etc. Ask him if he wants to make any changes.

            I think you should focus on harm reduction, getting him to make some small changes and minimize the damage bit by bit. Some cities offer harm reduction programs for alcohol and drugs. But he was to want to change.

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