the 25 reasons

[Guest]

As a few of you know my daughters husband was going to make her call and read me a list of 25 things he didn't like about me. (didn't they do that in a movie? 10 thing I hate about you) He's not orignial. Anyway, the call never came because Noelle probably begged him not to do it. I really don't know. I appreciate all of your advice. Some of it we have already tried, last Nov. she called and said she was going to have him commited for evaluation after a particular episode, she didn't really did explain. But it scared her a great deal. He promised he would go see a therapist. When I asked if he had she told me yes and was prescribed prozac. I asked if she went with him to discuss the problems, she said no because of the children and no sitter.My question then how do you know he talked about his anger issuses? I belive him was the anwser I got. I don't think prozac helps with violent outbursts, but I'm not a doctor. I don't think he told the doctor anything than I am depressed. She will not go to counseling on her own I have asked. She said she is fine and will be fine. I think she see's going to counseling and getting a 2nd divorce being too much like Mom. Her 1st husband used to tell her she was going to end up just like me? What's so wrong with that? minus the alcohol abuse. I thank God she dosen't drink. never has. Elizabeth you asked about a private detective. We have scoped him out< NOTHING!! > He's like the frickin' unibomber; he lived pretty much alone in Arizona. Until he came back to Va when his father was dying. The only thing we could find were just minor traffic incidents. His own Mother told Noelle " Malcolm has always been high strung and stubborn" putting it mildly. He has a very closed off insulair personality. A very happy thing happened to me last night. When not expecting it I got a call from a fellow MWOuter. Hearing her happy voice. With a caring and sweet nature and very giving heart. I could nothing but giggle and laugh with her as we talked. (I'll never forget that act of kindness) It felt really good to do that after the drama of the day. She as all of you have been wonderful. we will see what this day brings. Malcolm's mother is due there tonight, Noelle can usually talk to her. Maybe she can persuade her to talk to him about getting help or hopefully send him home with her. Just pray with me she can get her hormones together. This constant crying can't be good for the children to see. My husband is ready to go after this guy,so on the homefront it gets a little tense to talk about. So I talk for the most part here and to my Mom. Husband a former Marine. Action; not watching type of guy. So we will pray for the best and plan for the worst today.
Smile for me today guys
love
Mar

[goingsobermum]

the 25 reasons

Heres a big smile for you Well its not a very big one so here is a hug too :huggy

[Niblet]

the 25 reasons

We are all here for you and wish all the best for all of your family, minus the Anal Guy ! ~Niblet~ to you

[Guest]

the 25 reasons

Oh Mar...call if you need me...you know I am here...love ya!!! Boy is ol' Malcolm lucky we have stopped drinking...I get liquid courage for sure...I would back Greg in a second...not that he'd need it, but hey...hope you get to see the grandbabies Sunday too.

[Allie]

the 25 reasons

Simey,
Just wanted to say a few things. First of all, Malcolm sounds just like my first husband (with the exception of looking like the Geico caveman lol), and when you are the victim in an abusive marriage like that, it makes you feel like "you" are the crazy one. They wear you down, blame everything on you, make you do all the work to maintain any sense of balance and peace in the home, and then attack and destroy what little you can create. Its horrible.

Will you please get a particular book for Noelle? I promise you it will help her to realize the magnitude of the abuse she is in and it offers incredible suggestions on how to handle and get out of it. It was because of this book that I was able to break the cycle and stop being the victim... which of course made him so angry that he could no longer control me (because it is all about control), that he finally left me. Yay!! It will bring the counseling to her. Tell her to stash it in between the mattresses when she is not reading it because he will go bolistic if he sees the book lying around. But it will bring the counseling to her since she wont go.

The book is called, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans. She includes many real life examples, and explains why it is one of the hardest traps to get out of if you are the victim.

Also... I hope that phone call does not come about the 25 reasons, but IF it does, DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. By listening to it, you are playing the victim role and sitting there like an abused dog while the owner kicks it 25 times. Dont lie there and take it, bite the shit out of the foot that kicks you. He gets orgasms off of abusing Noelle, the children and you too, so if you want to pull your pants down and let him whip you, then sit and listen. He will get angry as all get out when you calmly tell Noelle that you love her, but you refuse to be a dog he can kick, and then hang up, then you take away the power he gets off on. It wont change him, but it will change you.

Just remember that no one can intimidate or control you unless you hand them the keys to do so.

I hope today is better and believe me, I understand!

Hugs,
Allie

[Guest]

the 25 reasons

Mar, how about this...I have 25 reasons that I love ya and I have never met you! Screw him! He's nuts! Some people you just have to accept need help and you can't fix them.

[Guest]

the 25 reasons

Thanks all, Luv your the best. I really enjoy you!! Allie, I'm going on Amazon right now to order the book you suggested. I just spoke with Mom, Noelle has already phoned her twice this morning. With the account of want transpired last night. Not very pretty. Will talk about in later, right now still hurts. She hasn't phoned me today, I guess Malcolm told her not to. Or else....? Thanks for all your kind words.
Mary

[existence]

the 25 reasons

i hope your feeling a bit better Mum...i am looking into something so i can call you too

Malcolm is an ass/psycho (whichever word takes your fancy) and sooner or later Noelle will see that, hopefully not too late either.

you know we are all here Mum
love you,
your little girl x

[hablur]

the 25 reasons

How to handle a controller

Simeybear,

Reading the posts from today and the last couple of days has me really upset for you and your daughter. It is jerks like her husband that give us good sons and fathers bad names and make many women think that most men are like that. We arent. Many of the gals on here have terrific husbands from what I have been reading.

I would like to ask a few questions if it is ok and offer a little advise. First off is there something that you could have possibly done to challenge his manhood? I know that sounds funny but sometimes that is a deep rooted issue that you may not even know has happened. Is his issue with you that you drink? I think you mentioned that your daughter lived with you during the last pregancy... could that have effected his outlook? How does he feel about your husband? Does your daughter use you more as a sounding board and have you offer emotional support instead of him thereby making him feal jealous? Is he simply a jerk and always acted like this? My questions really arent for me to know but for you to think about.

First off don't accept the 25 things I hate about you verbalization/letter. If he starts in on you tell him that he should back the hell up and that that is completely disrespectful. More than that I would have your husband call and tell him that instead of you. I know if my son-in-law was causeing this many troubles for my little girl and wife there would be some serious interferance on my part BTW I dont have a dusghter just a little bitty boy.

It all boils down to him being a control freak and a bully. He is definately a little boy inside. The fact that he has such control over your daughter is quite alarming. At some point the verbal abuse is going to move on to physical abuse regardless of what your daughter thinks. That is a known fact in abusers whether they are male or female. It basically keep ratcheting upward because they learn they can get away with more and more until they finally figure they can hit and nothing will happen.

I would sugest that both you and your husband offer an olive branch and ask him to meet with you both and iron things out because it isnt good for the family as a whole and it is becoming increasingly hard on your daughter and grandchildren to live in this stress with such hatred in the family. If he fails to do that arrange secretly to get your daughter and child away from him because he isnt and doesnt want to change. There are many women's groups that specialize in just that. I would recommend giving them a call and talking to one of thier councilors who have vast experience and can recognize the signs of an abuser. Your daughter may not want to leave, but the councilor may have good ideas to help out.

I hope and pray that you dont mind this post to your situation. I just know a little about this and wanted to share what I new in hopes in some small way it will help.

Chris

[InnerStrength]

the 25 reasons

Oh what a jerk. I am so sorry to hear this. You dont deserve this - you sound like such a loving and caring person. Allie is right - dont listen to the 25 things - that is pure abuse. Hang in there, you know we are here and fighting in your corner!
Jen

[Guest]

the 25 reasons

Hab,this guy is a total schizophrenic. Has never grown up. The beging of it all was when I made one simple request. Malcolm will you please leave the house before 1-2 am. my reason being Noelle was divorcing her husband and still child custody issues at hand, at it didn't look good for her boyfriend to be leaving our home at 6am. then, he moved her out into his Mothers place along with her son shortly after. During that time he kicked her out 3 times. She would call saying "Mom anyroom at the inn?" Always. When she became pregnant he told her to abort it. She came home we took care of her and helped with her 1st child. She told him she miscarried and planned to take care of it alone. He showed up at her work one night when she was in her 7th month. All hearts and flowers then. They married, because in her divorce decree it states she cannot live with a male who is not a relative or spouse.In Va it's still a good ol' boy network. It has been turbulent ever since. He hates me because I won't back down , You hurt my only child, hell has no fury like a mother's scorn!! He has hit her, while holding the baby so she does nothing. I have told him to be very careful because his is coming and he won't know where or when. Last Aug. we made an attempt to mend the relationship. They were moving and needed money for moving expenses at the time. So thinking everything was cool. We gave them 1600.
Just to find out my daughter got 5000 sign on bonus and reimbursed for moving expenses. I felt ripped off. I was all just a ploy to get 1600 bucks?? I could go on foever shes use me for a sounding board and then I think she tells him my response. Why she does that I don't know. He is afraid of my husband. He only wants to pick on women and children. I think some of it is a superiority complex. His father was in foreign service and servants where the norm. He thinks he is supeior to everyone. Once again I could go on .. I'm trying to get Noelle out of that situation. My biggest concern is for my Grandson who is not his,and seems to be his target ofchoice when trying to hurt me or my daughter. So I wonder if my fight here will bring more damage upon my Grandson or do I keep fighting until I see the end of this mess. It's so complicated. I know that her hit her in the back of the head last night and told her she had a big mouth. I guess for calling me. Then told her I hope you loose this pregnancy. HELLO?? he was the one who wanted another baby!! BANG BANG BANG!! that is me hitting my head on the wall. She told what happend last night to my Mom where I have to call to get the scoop. But my 73 year old Mom dosen't need the stress.
Sorry to go long ....again
Mar

[Arial]

the 25 reasons

Dear Simey,

I've read your posts relating to this issue with real sadness and concern, but have never found the words of support that I feel could make any difference. I have no advice to offer, too far away to be a shoulder, but believe me if long-distance hugs are worth anything, they're certainly on their way! :l :l

Please take care of yourself and I pray that sooner rather than later a good solution can be reached for you and your family. Keep strong!

Warmest wishes,

[Pebbles]

the 25 reasons

Mar,
I'm the same, this is way too complicated a situation for a few platitudes over the net, but hey we try anyway!!

You do what you can, you be there for your daughter and grandson when you can be, that's all you can do. If you could pick her her up and remove her from his clutches you would, but she'd go back...why? who knows, why does anyone ever go back? It's like any addiction and boy we know about that here.

Just keep talking to us, and we'll be here for you. can you come and get us too ???

[Guest]

the 25 reasons

Peebles, my husband says I have a "save the world" complex so when do you want me come to fetch you? Sooner or later the pendulm has to swing back; Right? Also don't worry husband and I aren't going to do anything rash to him. We are both to "Pretty" for prison..Gotta just laugh sometimes.. Arial, you sweet thing! as always a heart of gold, long distance hugs are good!!
Luv
Mar

[Elizabeth]

the 25 reasons

Ask her to imagine this as THE REST OF HER LIFE!

Simey, sounds like you've already got all the history matter to take this issue to a higher, official level. Unfortunately, I'd have thought that your daughter needs to be the main complainant though. Ask her to imagine this situation being THE REST OF HER LIFE - TOTAL, and tell her that in a nut shell thats what she is looking at if she does'nt take action! Sometimes people are so scared they need a jolt! I know.

I got a cracked skull, broken nose and 2 black eyes (25 years back) from my other half and I moved like a bolt of lighting.... AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. I was'nt lucky with time enough to heed warning signs but your daughter has.

Anyway just my thoughts, which I hope help. Thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes.:l