Can it always be my fault?

[psychmommy]

I am beyond frustrated. . . I have been working on cutting down my alcohol intake and now am able to have several AF days a week (which is a huge improvement to the everyday drinking I was doing, thanks to all of you!). The problem is, my husband is always angry at me about drinking. . . even when I haven?t had anything in days. He seems to have a hard time telling when I?ve been drinking and will accuse me of drinking even when I haven?t had anything. When I explain, he tells me I need to dry out for a long time before he?ll listen. Meanwhile, I watch him. . . He doesn?t spend any more time with our boys than he has to, and they seem to be craving male attention as indicated by their attachment to my dad when he is able to spend time with them. I try to explain this to my husband, but he doesn?t seem to get it as all problems are blamed on me. Has anyone else ran into this problem? Is it too late for us?

[Paddy]

Can it always be my fault?

Hi,

I'm not experienced in that department, but it's a proven fact that males tend to blame everything on everyone else when they feel guilty about something they should be doing (in your hubby's case shouldering his responsibilities in spending time with his boys).

It's a hard one to call, but I guess endless arguments won't lead to anything. You will just have to wait for an opportune time and talk things through when he's in a talkative mood. The worst thing is to hurl things at each other. That's when males or females tend to be least responsive.

Maybe do it the old fashioned way with a dinner or something? Maybe I'm full of sh!t ... :H

[dilayne]

Can it always be my fault?

Paddy has good advice...if you've been drinking daily for a while, there has been some distance between the two of you...I don't believe you can nurse a bottle and a relationship at the same time...he has his part and you have your part and you'll both begin to heal when you can both accept that fact instead of playing ping pong with it. Yes, it's easier for him to blame you, or attack you..he may even be threatened that you are getting better..it means that things will change, and I know many men are very scared of change. Be patient with yourself and be patient with him. Try not to get defensive..let him know that you understand why he might not trust you, but you are confident in your progress. Hang in there. It took a long time to get to the point of needing to quit, so it will take some time for the relationship to heal. Maybe you can focus on something the two of you can do together, with the children that will help move him into deeper relationships with them..you can be very powerful in just being there with him and supportive of it...perhaps an agreement to replace drinking time with family time..which everyone will benefit from. Good Luck!
d

[Breez]

Can it always be my fault?

I don't know how long your alcohol problems existed....but for me-I had told my husband "this time it's for real. I quit for good" over a thousand times. Literally.
So when I did FINALLY decide this past December, there were times my husband questioned me (which infuriated me). I would watch TV & would notice him glance at me & make a comment like "your eyes look tired". He'd question my happy days and bitchy days. But I really couldn't blame him. How many times have I let him down. He never knew the Real SOBER Breez in a long time-only in spurts. I'd have 2 weeks sobriety, 5 days of binges, 3 weeks sobriety etc. When I drank, the family failed to normally exist.

So yes, he did blame certain problems on me because of that. Without sober mom-there was no family.

Did I get mad at all the suspiciousness? HELL YEAH. Tons of fights of how I should be understanding of him being suspicious & me being "raging mad" that he doesn't see how hard I'm trying. It got old-especially when I knew that THIS time it was for good. But what could I do?

Show them. The more AF days I had, the more faith he had in me, the more proud he became of me, the more love & laughs we shared, the better the family dynamics became. I took alcohol out of my family's equation. It doesn't solve all our problems but booze or I can never be blamed again. And the funny thing now is I can joke about dumb mistakes I make to my hubby & say "at least I'm not drinking" and it's funny-and not taboo.

Hang in there. It gets better with time.

[Breez]

Can it always be my fault?

Oh- my husband became more motivated when he saw that I became more dependable & inspired. Gave him hope. Give someone hope & they can climb mountains.

And congrats on achieving more AF days. Onward & Upward.

[psychmommy]

Can it always be my fault?

Thanks!

Thanks everyone, especially Paddy, Dilayne and Fan . . . It is so good to get another perspective. . . Yes, as you may have all guessed, my drinking has been a problem for quite a while. . . So, of course, how would he know anything was different. . . That makes sense Breez. . . And yes, Dilayne and Fan, there is quite some distance between us.

He always says that if I quit drinking, everything will be better between us. I know our problems run deeper than that, but I can't negate the responsisbility I've had. I guess we will have to fight these problems head on. There isn't a short-cut, like if I quite drinking for a few days, we will be okay. . . It will take time. . . How silly it was to think differently.

Thank you for a different perspective. . . There is no one I would trust as much as all of you who have been there before and are there now. . .

[julie001]

Can it always be my fault?

Hi,

I'm in the beginning stages of rebuilding trust with my husband so I can totally relate. I catch him glancing around looking for a glass of wine that I don't have. He hasn't accused me of drinking when I'm not, but I know he's on edge wondering if I'm going to drink when were in separate rooms. I can't blame him for having doubt because I certainly did a lot of that these past few years. It's going to take time for him to realize that I am committed to making huge changes in regards to my drinking (especially at home alone). I've showed him this sight, and he knows that I spend hours here in the evening when I'm done being mom. I would like him to acknowledge the positive changes I'm made. Like you, I'm having more AF days than I have in a long time. But I kinda think he believes any drinking is too much drinking. He's probably afraid that I'll slip back into the routine of that bottle of wine five or more times a week (mostly by myself).BUT I AM NOT GOING TO! I am aiming for moderation. I like to socialize with friends and enjoy drinks a couple a times a month. I believe in time he will see that I am getting a handle on my problem with alcohol, and he will see that the damage it did to our relationship can be repaired.

BE PROUD of your AF days and in time your hubby will realize that you have made huge improvements. It will become so obvious because the more AF days you have then the more energy you will have and the happier you will feel. I don't know how you feel about self-help books, but if your interested, my counselor recommended a book entitled The Five Languages of Love by Dr. Gary Chapman. I just ordered one for myself and another for my husband. His is considered the man's version. Of course he doesn't know yet that we are going to have a husband/wife book club starting soon! I'm hoping we'll pick up some tips on how to communicate better with each other. Had we been communicating better, I might not have constantly turned to the Chardonnay to relieve my hurt feelings, my anger, my boredom, my guilty conscience, the stress of work, etc...

You are making terrific changes just by having more AF days than before. Give your husband time and keep those lines of communication open. Good luck!!!!

Julie

[hablur]

Can it always be my fault?

Marriage is about trust. Whether it is male or female the same holds true about responsibilities and how a partner can feel resentment and even become frozen by mistrust of the other partner.

I have made countless promises, been arrogant saying it wasnt that bad, said I am quitting I don't know how many times and even now my wife doesnt fully believe me that I am on a new road. I have never been this committed before. She believes that I still want to drink and that I am only attempting this for her and my son. That isnt true at all... this is strictly for me.

I say all that because we need to really take a few steps back and realize that not only have we lost the trust of our loved ones but also we have hurt them deeply. We have constantly put them in situations that are not of thier making and have in general been complete idiots in regard to how a healthy family should operate.

In my case I fooled myself into saying that it was ok because my son was asleep and so that made it ok. It never entered my mind that I was actually telling my wife by my actions that she wasnt important enough and I could just drink and ignore her needs now that the kid was in bed. Makes lots of sense to a drunk but in reality it is very hurtfull to your spouse.

******** RACEY NEXT SECTION *********
Have you and your spouse ever had sex while only one of you is drunk? Can you imagine how they feel about that? (I dont want to hear that most guys would love that either) It is really disrespectful to your spouse. Having some big (ape) in my case do the deed half wasted.
******** END RACEY SECTION **********

I kinda of look it like this. We are having an affair and our respective partners nkow about it. It is still going on to some degree and we are telling them that you dont really love the other person and you will quite seeing them soon (the bottle) and all should be ok. Until they see us completely free from the affair there is no reason they should trust us. Even after we are completely AF we are still going to have to earn thier trust again.

Along that road they will begin thier own healing process and begin being part of the family.

I sincerely hope that my post made sense and is helpful. The affair analogy is really the best way to explain it that I could think of. In my case the affair started about 4 nights a week from 8 pm on, with her having to watch.

[ScoobyDoo]

Can it always be my fault?

Hab... wow! That is a really good analogy. It sounds like you're making progress with this thing.

Doo x

[hablur]

Can it always be my fault?

LOL - Scooby Doo I am not sure about the progress so far but over the last several weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Being here at this site has led me to re-evaluate many of my previous thoughts and actions. Reading what people write and really trying to offer worthwhile comments has caused me to really examine in depth what is occurring with me. I think that is a very good thing.

I have come to believe that there is a deep emotional need that alcohol somehow fills and it is really a patch to cover something else, which is beyond just the physical addiction. In order for this site to work for me I have to take everything here seriously and put 110% into it.

While I am still drinking I would have to say my mind set has completely changed. I am really starting to feel sick everytime I drink and I think it is because I know in my heart of hearts how it not only effects me but my family. I can hardly wait for the Topamax this Friday.

Thanks for recognizing my steps Scooby Doo. My wife at this stage can't see them but that is what this board is for anyway... to affirm to ourselves and others that we can all fight this and make it.

[psychmommy]

Can it always be my fault?

Hi. . . Thanks for the input everyone. . .

Hablur. . . Your analogy using an affair as being on par with drinking has really made me think. You're right, this is very difficult for the spouses to deal with on a constant basis.

I think I have difficulty sometimes seperating what difficulties I am responsible for and what difficulties my husband is responsible for. My drinking was really set off due to some problems in our marriage several years ago, where he really stopped being nice to me. At the time these problems began, I was pregnant and therefore completely AF. I started drinking steadily after I gave birth and haven't stopped yet obviously. So, it's good to get a different perspective and all of your thoughts you've expressed are making me think of things a little differently and make me accept more responsibility in making this work.

Thanks!