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    #1

    A few laughs...

    The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were ?70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

    Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.?Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter? , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

    Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.

    19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
    Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."


    :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

    Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
    I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

    This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.
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    #2
    A few laughs...

    My wife left me and took my Bob Marley collection and my satellite dish.









    No woman no sky......


    :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

    Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
    I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

    This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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      #3
      A few laughs...

      I too liked the Bagpipes one and the Stalker

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        #4
        A few laughs...

        LOL the Bagpipes
        If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.
        product app

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          #5
          A few laughs...

          mario ..ace mate
          af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

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            #6
            A few laughs...

            tis payback time ..2 b shore

            What's the difference between God and Bono?
            God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
            --
            Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
            Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
            Billy says, "In the car."
            Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
            --
            Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
            Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"
            --
            A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
            The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
            The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
            The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
            The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
            --
            An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
            He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
            "Just water," says the priest.
            The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
            The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
            --
            Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
            "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
            "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
            --
            Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            The man said, "I do Father."
            The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
            "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
            The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
            af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 12

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              #7
              A few laughs...

              It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

              After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

              Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

              "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

              The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
              waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

              "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for
              all to see.

              "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six
              generations" said Claude.

              He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
              "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

              The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

              The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

              A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

              They were hypnotized.

              And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

              The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

              "Crap” said Claude.

              It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never
              invited there again.
              Liberated 5/11/2013

              Comment

                #8
                A few laughs...

                Mick not too happy about those Irish jokes :gramps:

                Comment

                  #9
                  A few laughs...

                  Lovely laughs on a deary Monday morning!!!:H:H:H
                  “The only courage you will ever need is the courage to live the life you want"

                  Comment

                    #10
                    A police officer is called to the scene of a gas station; the assailant had the clerk tied up, stripped to her underwear and was licking her skin; arms, legs, armpits... After assisting the clerk with untying, getting dressed and extensive interviews, the officer told the clerk there were no charges to press, the upset clerk demanded to know why. The police officer replied "well, the man does have a liquor license".
                    Constant relapsing is soul destroying.
                    I cherish my soul, it is the most important thing to me in the world. I cherish my soul even on th bad days. This is why I do not drink.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      thank you for sharing these jokes! i forgot how to laugh this hard in a long time!
                      “There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.”

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