Hello everyone:
Whew! Talk about another storm.
Something new is arising from within. Something different.
The past couple of months of sobriety have seen me wandering through another period of depressed confusion. I have gone through the storm waves before. They?re ones that happen at intervals. Those of you who have several months under your belt know what I?m talking about. A surge of emotional turbulence, and the drinking monster comes and goads you. Sometimes it is strange sensations, many unpleasant and irritating.
There have been thunderstorms, and light rain showers. There was a hurricane at 9 months. There have been a few short lived tornados. An earthquake or two. These are the best ways I can find to describe what I?ve gone through the last year and a half.
The last couple of months have been a desert sandstorm. It?s one where I could not see my hand in front of my face. I have not posted so much the last couple of months, because this sand storm has put the binders on any clear thinking. I went through at least one surge of drinking desire that lasted a few hours, but nothing that has not been handled before, and conquered. No, this last one has been wandering around in circles, with no reference anywhere. Confusion most of the time. I read that these things are to be expected during the second year of the sober life.
So today, the sand cleared a bit. I had new reference points and a weird new clarity. Hopefully this storm is abating. It?s been a long one, and longer than any one yet since I began this journey. However, the clarity that peeked at me today is new and vivid.
Nothing much new on the program tools route to account for it. I have been letting up on the supplements for days at a time. The exercise program is on hold for now, while an injured ankle heals from a minor sprain.
Another layer of fog seems to be lifting here. I was looking at a book yesterday in a store, which had to do with biochemistry. I was interested in getting an idea of how simple protein and enzyme molecules interact. The very core processes of life. In my head, I was imagining the electromagnetic attractions and interactions between the very smallest particles of living organisms. The body I inhabit is a construction of these molecules.
Ethanol, or ethyl alcohol itself is an organic molecule. A simple hydrocarbon, that interacts with the molecules or our body when we pour it down our gullets. It poisons, and corrupts the cells constructed from billions of those proteins. It spreads it destruction throughout the system. I could go on here, but this train of thought is sort of an intellectual exercise in rationalizing sobriety forever for myself.
The point being, as I thumbed through page after page of incredibly complex chemistry descriptions, a new perception peeked through. The forces that have given rise to this system of atoms, molecules, cells, organs, and so on are capable of being described by mathematics and symbols. I was hunting for a set of mathematical expressions, which might describe the tendency of these molecules to combine, replicate, and regenerate.
I was seeking a way of understanding life, in terms I have been trained to think in. Mathematics, chemistry, and biology are tools to gain insight. I needed something more tangible and detailed than ?it is, because it is?.
Maybe I have lost most of you here, but that is not my intention. The intention is to convey that I am experiencing a new and expanded perception. This is absolutely new for me, and is only possible because I have not poisoned my brain or body for almost a year and a half now. I have exercised, and meditated, and put the right things into my body. I know positively, that if I had continued drinking, I would never have achieved this new insight and awareness ever in my life.
Again, this last storm has been very different in nature than anything I went through during my first year of sobriety. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to wander in the desert for the next several years. A moment came today, and I knew it was starting to clear.
Anybody remember that group ?America?? The song went (1970 or so)
I?ve been through the desert,
on a horse with no name.
It felt good to get out of the rain.
Sort of the way I feel today.
Please hang in there.
Be well.
Neil/span>
Whew! Talk about another storm.
Something new is arising from within. Something different.
The past couple of months of sobriety have seen me wandering through another period of depressed confusion. I have gone through the storm waves before. They?re ones that happen at intervals. Those of you who have several months under your belt know what I?m talking about. A surge of emotional turbulence, and the drinking monster comes and goads you. Sometimes it is strange sensations, many unpleasant and irritating.
There have been thunderstorms, and light rain showers. There was a hurricane at 9 months. There have been a few short lived tornados. An earthquake or two. These are the best ways I can find to describe what I?ve gone through the last year and a half.
The last couple of months have been a desert sandstorm. It?s one where I could not see my hand in front of my face. I have not posted so much the last couple of months, because this sand storm has put the binders on any clear thinking. I went through at least one surge of drinking desire that lasted a few hours, but nothing that has not been handled before, and conquered. No, this last one has been wandering around in circles, with no reference anywhere. Confusion most of the time. I read that these things are to be expected during the second year of the sober life.
So today, the sand cleared a bit. I had new reference points and a weird new clarity. Hopefully this storm is abating. It?s been a long one, and longer than any one yet since I began this journey. However, the clarity that peeked at me today is new and vivid.
Nothing much new on the program tools route to account for it. I have been letting up on the supplements for days at a time. The exercise program is on hold for now, while an injured ankle heals from a minor sprain.
Another layer of fog seems to be lifting here. I was looking at a book yesterday in a store, which had to do with biochemistry. I was interested in getting an idea of how simple protein and enzyme molecules interact. The very core processes of life. In my head, I was imagining the electromagnetic attractions and interactions between the very smallest particles of living organisms. The body I inhabit is a construction of these molecules.
Ethanol, or ethyl alcohol itself is an organic molecule. A simple hydrocarbon, that interacts with the molecules or our body when we pour it down our gullets. It poisons, and corrupts the cells constructed from billions of those proteins. It spreads it destruction throughout the system. I could go on here, but this train of thought is sort of an intellectual exercise in rationalizing sobriety forever for myself.
The point being, as I thumbed through page after page of incredibly complex chemistry descriptions, a new perception peeked through. The forces that have given rise to this system of atoms, molecules, cells, organs, and so on are capable of being described by mathematics and symbols. I was hunting for a set of mathematical expressions, which might describe the tendency of these molecules to combine, replicate, and regenerate.
I was seeking a way of understanding life, in terms I have been trained to think in. Mathematics, chemistry, and biology are tools to gain insight. I needed something more tangible and detailed than ?it is, because it is?.
Maybe I have lost most of you here, but that is not my intention. The intention is to convey that I am experiencing a new and expanded perception. This is absolutely new for me, and is only possible because I have not poisoned my brain or body for almost a year and a half now. I have exercised, and meditated, and put the right things into my body. I know positively, that if I had continued drinking, I would never have achieved this new insight and awareness ever in my life.
Again, this last storm has been very different in nature than anything I went through during my first year of sobriety. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to wander in the desert for the next several years. A moment came today, and I knew it was starting to clear.
Anybody remember that group ?America?? The song went (1970 or so)
I?ve been through the desert,
on a horse with no name.
It felt good to get out of the rain.
Sort of the way I feel today.
Please hang in there.
Be well.
Neil/span>
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