sincerely sorry

[Guest]

I am very sorry for my bad behavior last week. My comments seemed to land on the wrong person--but yet should not have been posted at all.

I would have posted sooner, but I was out of town for a funeral. The mother of a good friend of mine passed away suddenly (in her sleep at 57).

I have realized a few things--one I can be like a tornado when I drink. Stirring things up as I go and you never know where I will touch down and how much destruction I will cause. Quite frankly, I am just plain scared out of my wits right now. What scares me the most is that I no longer crave alcohol and I no longer really think about it that much. But it will seem as though some alien will just take me over without notice--I don't think, I don't reason--I just go. I will be going along feeling better, doing things I love--and then I destroy it within a matter of hours. I can literally feel this little alien laughing at me.

My mother called my hubby today and told him to leave me. Leave me, take the kids and "teach me a lesson". My sister called to give him a lecture. I am starting to push friends away because I can't trust myself. Except for my husband I have no rocks left to lean on. I know that it is what my addiction wants. Pretty soon it will destruct what we have and then it will have me all to itself.

That just all came out--really I just wanted to say that I am sorry--and Kathy if you read this--please let anything I said roll off your back because there wasn't a grain of truth in it. Don't let anyone determine how you are going to feel about yourself or ruin your day. Its not worth it.

I am going to go huddle up in bed and see if I can hide from the alien. Too tired of him winning and too tired of playing his game.

Hugs to everyone.

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

I know I've said things to people close to me, that were mean & hateful, .... and have had them remind me of the words I'd spoken. I've had my Husband ( the kindest, most patient man, I've ever met, be at his wits end, ready to leave...& walk out, on "us". He's even threatened to video me at my worst... thank God(I pray- that's not happened)

There is no question in my mind that alcohol can bring about a completely different pesonality in some of us. Unfortunately, it's not our best side.

In fact , I don't even think it is "us"... I think there's a point, where, the alcohol, takes over, and we become a hurt child or an injured animal... lashing out...

Sorry to hear about your friend...

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Hugs Discovery..

You are going through the hardest part of it, or maybe have already... we are here for you!

Allie

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Oh Kim,
I'm so sorry this is happening. That night... we talked, laughed...I'm thinking everything's OK, then 0] aliens, huh?
OK, been there.
If there's ANYTHING... you know how to reach me.
Bec

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Kim,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time! I hope you will find the inner strength it will take to heal yourself and your family. I also hope that you will have the love and support of those around you as you do so!

I know that the support of all of us on this board is here for you when you are ready! Best of luck to you Kim!

Donna

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Hang in, Kim.

Keep posting.

Helen

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thanks guys

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It may be the injured child that comes out. My father drank heavily for years and basically missed my life--all the while letting me know how worthless I was. My mom added to that truth by doing nothing. I sent her a very short e-mail basically stating that I have tried over the years to forgive and move on, but a phone call like that one brought it all back into focus. They have blamed me for years for putting a wall of eggshells around myself. Finding out more from my husband later I found out that she told him how she is an expert at this type of thing (coming from a woman who never even confronted her husband on the damage he had done)--and she just knew all this stuff. She made some really awful accusations that simply are not true. She accused me of going to my friend's house after the funeral only to drink, accused me of drinking the in the car the 5 hour ride home etc. I went to my friend's house after the funeral and set up all the food before anyone got there-never had a drop the entire time there. I did not drink in the car etc--but she accused my husband of lying when he said that did not happen. I told her not to call me or my husband. Somehow all I feel is relief. After all these years of pretending with them--pretending all is well--that I forgive them for all their hurts--I don't have to pretend anymore. Truth be told I could almost forgive my Dad because I understood what alcohol could do--but her standing by and practically supporting all the awful things he said is too much at this point for me to forgive. After her 'expert' advice-which could literally be downright dangerous I just need left alone for a long while.

Donna--I saw that you are having a hard time. Death is such a hard thing and I don't think you ever really get over it. You try to deal with it the best you can. Sending you prayers!

Thanks everyone!

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Dear Kim,

You are here and that's what really matters. I know Kathy is a very beautiful and understanding person. She will press on through this. The important thing is that you didn't bolt.

Sometimes I have felt the biggest loser since joining MWO. Sober, drunk, sober, drunk etc.. The only thing I've done right is stay here. I have committed PWI (posting while intoxicated) in the past but not anymore. When I'm drinking, I won't post...ever. I'm too afraid in the morning to see how it came across. No doubt you're feeling the same way, we ALL know the feeling Kim. That's what we came here for...peace. Relief from the horrors of our actions while drinking. I wish you that my friend. I wish that for all of us.

Love,
Lori

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

I am not going to make a long post because I don't have the time (I wish I did) but this was a big step for you and this was very big of you- and you definitely made Kathy's day. We're all human on here....

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

I'm so sorry for what happened with your mother--wow!! I'm at least very glad that the truth of all of it is out, and now you can begin to deal with it and heal. I hope that we all can help you with your journey.

As far as what happened between us, well, it really is water under the bridge at this point. Had I not been attacked so roundly and soundly by someone else on a dry drunk last Thursday, I would have taken your posts for what they were and not taken them so personally. I was just so raw that I couldn't do that at the time. I'm sorry that I overreacted. On a better day, I might handled it better.:rolleyes .

At this point, Kim, I am glad to see you back here on MWO, and let me reassure you--I have had to delete a few posts, and thankfully, the good Lord has sent a few into cyberspace for me too!!

Welcome back!

Kathy

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Actually discovery - you made my day too in a funny kind of way. I might stop hiding under my pillow now ...

[Guest]

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Pillows

Use pillows to sleep on, a good pillow fight or to suffocate aliens . . . .

[Guest]

sincerely sorry

Re: Pillows

Hi Discovery
Glad to hear you are facing some of the things that have haunted you for so long. I understand all too well. I can tell by your posts that you are a highly intelligent person who has been hurt one too many times. Don't let them - or the aliens- destroy your spirit. We are here.
Hugs
Jen