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Roadside
December 12th, 2014, 08:54 PM
Hello, I am Roadside.

I am an alcoholic and suffer from immense anxiety and depression. I am stubborn and determined, faithful to a fault and act without thinking a lot of the time.

When I married, I was an occasional drinker but my spouse was overly engrossed with my drinking. I didn't understand it. He made me feel ashamed about my alcohol consumption but I still had a beer or two, about once a month or every other month; he insulted my family's 'wine choice' one thanksgiving. He talked about the wine he had drank with his previous lovers (Riunite Lambrusco) and apparently those were fond memories but off limits to share with me. He never told me he was trying hard not to drink; he never told me his mother was an alcoholic and an embarrassment to him. He never, ever explained why. There were times when I was humiliated by him; he once poured an entire bottle of wine on me in a stupid fight we had.

Not until he came home from deployment #1, did he crack open a beer and made it acceptable to drink every once in a while. I don't give a shit about the deployment, that is one big excuse, I have military background and in my opinion, the deployment was not a reason for his beginning to drink. What it was, though, was a trigger. It was a trigger of things old and inevitable redundancy in life kicked in. His new wife (me) was no longer exciting, our new duty station and new home was no longer exciting, he lowered his own standards and started with beer. With beer every weekend. With beer every night.

So, we move duty stations. New, exciting things, a new routine, new house to personalize, but then things got old, fast. Second deployment, he comes home, immediately, at least five beers a night. I'd get so mad because he'd leave them stacked up by the bedside, half empty and I got tired of cleaning it up. Of course, an old nagging wife does not provide incentive not to drink. "I'm not an alcoholic, beer, that doesn't make me an alcoholic". Well, beer turned into wine, turned into vodka because apparently vodka can't be smelled by most people and can be mixed in with sodas and no one suspects. An encounter with my one year old knocking over the half empty beer cans on the bedside happened right before the breaking point of our marriage.

But he's still not an alcoholic. However, that is not for me to decide. What was for me to decide was whether it was worth it to stay where I was at, in that toxic environment, raise two kids and survive. So I don't stay in that environment. I get the hell out because I have resources; I have a family to fall back on. I have lots and lots of people back home that are willing to help me with my children.

I move back home, process as much of the break-up as I can (while I was pregnant, which compounded the emotional turmoil because I was off my meds), come to an understanding that he is a sociopath, an abuser and I would have never won, no matter how many love, years and effort I had put into it. I could not change him, I could not make him want to change. I come to an understanding and am at a place of rational, reasonable communication for the children (although I get angry at my family sometimes when I feel they treat him as an 'old pal', facebooking and messaging him) - once again, that is not for me to control.

I get through my pregnancy, through the first couple of months, get back on my damn feet because that is what my various mentors have expected of me. I get my own damn house (through HUD) because I refuse to pay rent, answer to anyone about what pets I can have, etc. Mention, I didn't get this house by myself or made it liveable by myself. My family and mentors provided me with resources to get started.

But after giving birth to my second child, after moving into my own house, the lonely nights followed. I filled them with . . . guess what . . . alcohol! Now I am no perfect person; I have suffered from anxiety my entire life and I swear I was ADHD when I was a kid, it just wasn't diagnosed back then. I was hyper, impulsive, my teachers complained about me, I was in trouble for things I didn't understand . . . My father was anxious and an alcoholic, his father and many cousins were alcoholics. Although alcoholism does not run on my mother's side, depression does. So my cocktail is alcoholism, anxiety and depression all stirred together.

I think alcohol has long been an elixir for anxiety and quite frankly it does a pretty good job of relieving it, considering all factors: cost, accessibility, effectiveness. The problem with it being used for anxiety is dose control. No one thinks, "I am going to take 2 tbsps at 4 PM because that is when my symptoms start" and "1 tbsp at 10 AM will get me through the tough part of the day. They just take the whole damn bottle and keep on because it feels so good, they are afraid the feel good feeling will diminish.

So I started consuming alcohol, on a larger scale than 'occasional' say, around October 2012. And the beer turned into wine because it didn't fill me up so much. Then the wine turned into margaritas because I could make them cheaper than wine. And I was embarrassed, ashamed, because this is exactly what my former spouse was - a drinker, an alcoholic. I craved it driving home from work. Then it became no big deal to crack open a beer while still in the car WITH MY KIDS IN THE CAR.

I don't want to be that person.

I drink to feel the empty void. I drink to feel good at night rather than being anxious of the day's events or what is expected tomorrow. I drink because I get myself so damn wound up about what I want to be, what I want to have and what I am.

I have had problems holding steady employment for the past two years and I was recently let go from my temporary sub job. My problems for not keeping employment are not punctuality, integrity or drinking on the job. My problems arise from my inability to PC my thoughts before I open my mouth and perform my actions. I get overwhelmed, wound up so tight because such and such is not perfect and I am trying my damndest to make it perfect, I say things that are true (to me, in my head) but harsh. I exhibit frustration with other people because in my opinion they play the damn game of 'covering their ass' rather than being efficient or productive. Now that I am supporting myself by myself for truly the first time in life, I am finding money truly does make society go round. I could get into any college I wanted, any training program I wanted, do anything and be accepted anywhere I wanted so long as I could pay for it. Now, that I need a job so I can acquire the money necessary to live on, I am all of a sudden unqualified. I don't understand it. I have the education, but it's the wrong type of education. I have the experience, but the experience is to little, too long ago.

In light of my recent loss(es) (temp job and friend that committed suicide), I am trying very hard to not make excuses to go buy that six pack or four pack (because a four pack is one night's decision; if I bought a twelve pack, that would be three nights' decision and that is a delusional rationale I make to myself; it is only tonight, tomorrow will be AF. 3 out of 5 times the very next night is another four pack.) I don't want to waste my precious money on something that is harmful to myself and my children. I don't want my childrens' memories to be clouded by the neglectful night experienced with mommy. I can change that. I must, there is no other choice. I will put one foot in front of the other, lean forward and march. I just wish I could learn a more charismatic way of marching because my marching is slinging unintended mud. Instead of 'the squeaky wheel' that gets the grease, I am the 'quacking duck' that gets shot. Over and over I quack, I get shot. Tired of getting shot here, but I will still continue to march.

So tonight I celebrate 5 days AF. I celebrate telling my story in supposedly an appropriate place (Our Personal Journals). I celebrate being here on earth with my two wonderful kids, two wonderful dogs, two wonderful sisters, wonderful mother, uncle, aunts; my wonderful house that has been refinished with love from not only me but all those that kindly spent their time helping. I celebrate the continued life of my chaplain and thank God he is here to provide some type of male role model for me; better late than never. I celebrate my drill tomorrow and my guard community. I celebrate anyone here at MWO that is making improvements; backslides are ok and sometimes necessary. May the Goddess of Mercy, Boddhisatva Svarta be with you. :heartbeat: the pain living brings is an acceptable trade for the joy living brings.

Guitarista
December 12th, 2014, 09:06 PM
Thanks for your post Roadside.

I think your life experience and insight would be an extremely valuable asset anywhere. Follow your dreams and go for it.

Congratulations on 5 days AF. That is a huge achievement friend!

Keep it going. G

available
December 12th, 2014, 09:31 PM
What a strong, brave, beautiful woman you are. Keep on plodding Road, that is all we alcoholics can do, one step in front of the other, day in and day out. You will stop slinging unintended mud. The road may never be smooth but it will always be interesting with a few potholes along our path.

Congratulations on 5 days sober.

daisy45
December 12th, 2014, 10:29 PM
Good on you Roadside....let's get this done!

frances
December 13th, 2014, 08:39 AM
So happy you have made this choice! It is so worth it - stick around, read and post, it will be a little bumpy in these early days but you will get by with a plan and support from others.

Thanks for sharing your story. Your struggles will be there but alcohol would do absolutely nothing to help them and would wind up making things worse. You are doing one of the best things you can do right now!

Roadside
December 14th, 2014, 10:38 PM
Seven days, one week. Despite the depressing dark days of winter (ok, not technically winter yet) I have had little desire to get to the store. I will say, I have had headaches and I don't know if this is withdrawal from AL or consequence of being off a schedule in general.

I gotta get my doc convinced I don't like my current anxiety/ depression meds. They've lasted for almost 3 years; doc upped dose, assuring I was on the minimum and upping would be no harm but I don't like it. My aunt told me about rotating meds every three or four years, say, group 1 meds lasts about 3 years before body becomes habituated then you gradually transition to group 2 meds, keep them until you feel effects of habituation, then it is time to transition back to group 1 meds. Tried to explain this to my doc's PA and he eloquently discarded this scenario as a 'placebo effect'. Ok, I got it, you were behind schedule and in the moment it was just easier to keep with the comfortable thought process and up the dose. I'll give you one month to mess with it, then I will insist on trying this pharmacist backed rotation theory. I think upping my meds is honestly a reason for my headaches, I don't know.

Nonetheless, today treated me well and drill went well. Now tomorrow, car off to body shop!

Roadside
December 17th, 2014, 10:44 PM
Ten days AF tonight. I don't really know what happened but I have had little desire to drink, compared to my nightly cravings before. Now, it seems like time is flying by, since I am not starting over at one, two, one, one, one . . . I hope this keeps up.

Was seen by a pretty good doc today (talk therapy). He was sharp, was different, didn't have me take a bunch of paper surveys right away; one hour and he is really banging around the nail. I hope this goes well.

I am glad to be here and feel good (despite the rainy weather, ugh). What a great way to end the year, sober! I will do it!

Roadside
December 26th, 2014, 05:03 PM
8-18 Dec 14, 11 days AF. I think I can slow down time by starting my count over. Heh heh, gambling precious life in the hopes to find a wormhole.
513
God, give me the courage for 24 hours.

abcowboy
December 27th, 2014, 04:45 PM
Hi roadside, nice to see you again! I saw your post on the Holistic thread and can understand your feelings about the Nest. I stay out of there now as far as posting goes, but I do read it as there is some very good information there. I go to a couple of other threads now, "Anyone in the first week of their umpteenth quit" and "Ladies on a Mission" (now ladies and gents on a mission) both a bit slower and more personable for me. Maybe you have an idea for a new thread? I'd love to help you out with it if you do!

MossRose
January 1st, 2015, 07:29 PM
Road - the anxiety will lessen as your body and brain detox. I've talked to so many people here on MWO who have GAD. It's a chicken/egg situation. Do we drink because we are anxious, or are we anxious because we drink? I believe the former is true, at least for me, although drinking certainly exacerbates the problem. Unfortunately, I still had anxiety after getting sober. I tried prescription meds, and of course, they work. But, I have found holistic ways that work better. First, you must get sober, and wait for your mind to clear. Then we can work together to help you achieve health. There are some people here who really know a lot about these things. I took their advice, and I no longer suffer from anxiety. Who would have thought that was possible? Not me :)

It sounds like you have endured a lot. Your ex sounds like he is troubled, and you are definitely right to get your children out of that situation. You are obviously a strong woman, so I have no doubt you can do this. It's tough. But you are tougher. And we will be standing here by your side every step of the way. Every single step, ok? Take care of yourself. And give us an update. We're here to listen.

ps - just as an aside - life got so much BETTER when I recently deactivated my Facebook account. What you can't see really can't hurt you. xx

narilly
January 2nd, 2015, 11:41 PM
Hey Road, how are you doing? I hope your hangin in there. Come join us on the Loamers thres under monthly abstinence. It's a good place to hang out.
Don't drink today ok?

Your story is amazing. You have been through so much.
Xo

NotHappyHourHappyLife
January 3rd, 2015, 12:36 AM
Hello, Roadside- just dropping in on your journal to introduce myself.

I'm Patty, and I was a single mom when I get out of the Army- I was fortunate that, at the time, I had no alcohol addiction.

Congratulations on your commitment to sobriety. You have 2 gorgeous reasons to stay alcohol free. :)

Roadside
January 7th, 2015, 12:08 AM
Road - the anxiety will lessen as your body and brain detox. I've talked to so many people here on MWO who have GAD. It's a chicken/egg situation. Do we drink because we are anxious, or are we anxious because we drink? I believe the former is true, at least for me, although drinking certainly exacerbates the problem. Unfortunately, I still had anxiety after getting sober. I tried prescription meds, and of course, they work. But, I have found holistic ways that work better. First, you must get sober, and wait for your mind to clear. Then we can work together to help you achieve health. There are some people here who really know a lot about these things. I took their advice, and I no longer suffer from anxiety. Who would have thought that was possible? Not me :)

It sounds like you have endured a lot. Your ex sounds like he is troubled, and you are definitely right to get your children out of that situation. You are obviously a strong woman, so I have no doubt you can do this. It's tough. But you are tougher. And we will be standing here by your side every step of the way. Every single step, ok? Take care of yourself. And give us an update. We're here to listen.

ps - just as an aside - life got so much BETTER when I recently deactivated my Facebook account. What you can't see really can't hurt you. xx

MossRose, these are such kind words to read, you and Narilly and HappyLife, so very kind. Eh, you know, ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows. But to see these kind words and promises really do help, I just gotta have faith in myself.

5 days AF (again) today; been pretty depressed but trying to 'fake it, fake it till I make it. Fake it 'till I make it'. Trying to be kind to myself and not let negative thinking dominate. Some days are easier than others.

Saw the movie 'Wild' with Reese Witherspoon recently, ah the urgings just to take off like that and leave the real world behind ... I will have to be content with day long retreats for now, and that is perfectly ok.

Roadside
January 7th, 2015, 08:28 AM
Ok, what the heck happened?
7Jan15 - wake up and pleasantly surprised I have been upgraded to senior member . . .
Do I get discounts? Is this a sign I spend too much time online? (Nooo.) Just cool.

abcowboy
January 7th, 2015, 08:41 AM
Roadside, congrats on over 100 posts, your are now officially a "senior" lol

Roadside
January 13th, 2015, 06:59 PM
Roadside, congrats on over 100 posts, your are now officially a "senior" lol

Does this come with a discount? (Heh heh)

On a serious note, I have been sporadically CRAVING AL. I don't know who told me this, maybe Pie or Guitarista, said cravings would come in longer and longer waves (true) but at this rate, I don't see how anyone goes months and years .... Agggh. Ok positive, we have a warm weekend coming up in OKC, supposed to reach 40 deg F, I can get outside and get some things done!!!!

Roadside
January 19th, 2015, 11:16 PM
Made a conscious decision to interrupt my sober streak yesterday - I made it 16 days, some tough but the majority of the days were relatively AL craving free. So... I am 'on the bench' once again.

I don't know if it is realistic for me to be completely AL free - I do know that 100% sober is the safest and healthiest alternative, I guess some residual fear keeps me from commiting to this alternative.

I do know I have made considerable progress: 2013 and most of 2014 consisted of binging more days than not, generally with 5 to 7 day stretches before an AF day. I spent a month or two with 3-4 day AF breaks, finally in Dec 14, making my first double digit break for as long as I can remember. This last stretch was 16 days!

So without making plans for tomorrow in fear of sabotaging today, my standing report is:

+11 -5 (or so) +16 -2 ----> 19 Jan 2015

abcowboy
January 20th, 2015, 08:41 AM
Hey Rs, why a "conscious decision"?

GradeT
January 22nd, 2015, 01:21 AM
hi rs, what do you mean about your conscious decision?

Roadside
January 27th, 2015, 07:45 PM
I consciously chose to drink.

I am continuing to consciously choose to drink- feel like I am at the end of my friggin rope. I am not happy with anything I am doing with my life right now.

Roadside
January 27th, 2015, 07:54 PM
671

Byrdlady
January 27th, 2015, 08:37 PM
Roadside, I am sorry you are having a tough time.
The vast majority of my issues disappeared when AL did.
I think it is safe to say that none of us here wanted to give up AL completely, I know I didnt. The problem is, we have crossed the line, once a pickle, never a cucumber again. Observations from one alkie to another. The first Alkie Loophole that will sabbotage you is saying that you had X many sober days abd that's not so bad. What is wrong with this? It keeps you stuck in the loop. It helps you justify drinking. For us, anything that justifies AL is nonproductive. I guess first things first, would ypu say you are an alcoholic?

abcowboy
January 27th, 2015, 08:45 PM
roadside, if it will help, I'll pm you my phone # to call when your AV gets you to accepting AL as the way out...

Roadside
January 28th, 2015, 09:27 PM
What's AV , ABCowboy?

2 nights ago I drank chloraseptic and cough syrup I was so desperate. Chloraseptic?? You can't even imagine how shitty I felt the next day.

abcowboy
January 28th, 2015, 10:04 PM
Alcoholic or Addictive Voice

Roadside
February 1st, 2015, 04:52 PM
Good second half of week, ready to start another and start a new month.

Feels good to be in a position to care for myself and my kids; I am going to continue making that more stable.

One thing I enjoyed today was taking the dogs for a walk.

abcowboy
February 2nd, 2015, 08:47 AM
It's amazing what can happen when we think positive roadside, keep thinking that way!

Roadside
February 10th, 2015, 09:54 PM
I have a sister. She lives in Texas. We are 14 years apart. She is my only sibling.

abcowboy
February 11th, 2015, 08:52 AM
Roadside, I am down to one sibling as well... I lost 2 brothers to heart attacks, only one remains and he lives an 8 hour drive from me. I was the only sibling that left the home town, the other 3 brothers all stayed there. Now that 2 brothers and both parents have passed on, part of my emotional problems are to do with guilt, sorry that I didn't phone, text, visit more often. I can't change that now, but I am communicating with my remaining brother a lot more. Don't make the same mistake I did, why not pick up the phone and call your sister right now....

Roadside
February 13th, 2015, 09:21 PM
My former spouse lives in Texas, is re-married, and we have two kids together. He sees them periodically, most holidays, used to be long weekends, but visits are now waning. He got out of active duty military, got a civilian job in Texas but got into a reserve unit here in OKC (we will be drilling out of the same building, unbeknownst to him). His first drill is March and he concocted this idea I let my sister have the kids for his drill weekend and he crashes on her 'floor' so he can see the kids at night. My sister sees nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Firstly, I was the one abused and she constantly fears I am goin to keep the kids from their dad.
Secondly, this is a classic tactic of him to get a free place to sleep, see the kids (ok cool for him) and continue to wedge himself in my life.
Thirdly, my sis has repeatedly violated our relationship by having undisclosed contact with former spouse. I am trying to heal and she doesn't 'get' I will not consider taking him back.

Lots of non-traditional families come together and celebrate birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas.... Super for them. I am not one of those altruistic people. I will do good getting through a jointed graduation and wedding, that's about it.

So my sis, being as unpredictable as my former spouse, is preventing me from healing and ultimately being in a position to take on another healthy, romantic relationship.

I have tried communicating my position, she has communicated hers, I am not willing to compromise down to her level because I think it is dysfunctional and handicaps me. I cannot change her or force her to be what I need her to be.

It is time to reconsider our relationship and adapt it appropriately. I am capable, I am no longer a child, it is time for me to stop acting like one and time for her to stop treating me like one.

(I have two sisters; the oldest lives in Texas and the middle lives 7 miles from me. I am sincerely glad all three of us are still alive. I said I only had one because at the time I was hurt and angry.)

available
February 13th, 2015, 10:27 PM
So my sis, being as unpredictable as my former spouse, is preventing me from healing and ultimately being in a position to take on another healthy, romantic relationship.

Road, what struck me is you saying that your sister and spouse are preventing you from healing. You are the only one preventing yourself from healing. When i became sober, i walked away from a few people, i still will if it affects my quit. If these people think enough of you and respect your decisions they will come back into your life.

I could and did blame anyone and everyone for how my life was headed but ultimately I could only change myself to change my life and that is what i did.

Being sober is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your children, the rest will fall into place. It is amazing how much clearer everything is when al is not involved in the equation.

abcowboy
February 14th, 2015, 01:53 PM
Hi Rs! I have to agree with Ava, and you probably do as well. We all use other people, places, and things to give ourselves the excuse to drink. But we know better, that is all they are, excuses! We are the only ones holding ourselves back, no one else.

I did/do have an extremely hard time dealing with my ex. We went through a rough divorce which left me extremely bitter and it was very hard to even look at her when I picked up the kids for the weekends/holidays that I got them. It has been almost 20 years, and I still feel the same way! I did put up with her through graduations/weddings etc, but after what has happened over the past several years, I refuse to be in the same room as her now.

Did/does this affect me? You bet it does! I know that I will never recover from my addiction until I can let it go, completely. I am slowly learning a new way to deal with it, she is non-existent, she is ďdeadĒ to me, no more important than a complete stranger, and that is how I think of her!

Family issues are probably one of the toughest to deal with, and being a single parent canít make things any easier! But you have to let it/him go or youíll have a constant struggle trying to remain sober. Your sister has no idea what you are going through, just like my kids donít have any idea, and there are many things about their mom that they have no idea about, and Iím not going to share with them either. It was a harsh way for me to deal with it, but it is the only way for now. Maybe one day Iíll be able to forgive her and move on, but for now, if I have to miss certain functions to stay away from her, so bet it, my sobriety has to come first! Donít give up on your sister, family is one of the most precious things we have!

Roadside
February 14th, 2015, 07:31 PM
Road, what struck me is you saying that your sister and spouse are preventing you from healing.

Ava, absolutely. When I typed this, I didn't consciously think I was playing the 'blame' card. It is me, how I choose to interpret things, how I choose to react, not what the other chooses to do. Guess it just hurts. But, the more I grow, the more 'hurt' seems to be relative; arbitrary. I can be a little disappointed, but not so mopey I think nothing of controlling my sister's choices. Who has energy for that?

You called me out in a non confrontational way- I appreciate your dedication of honesty. Thank you.

Roadside
March 5th, 2015, 07:27 PM
So here we are, at the beginning of March, and although Feb was far from perfect, I need to post some facts so I have something to measure progress by. So, here it goes:

15 of 28 days AF. Longest stretch was 9 days (3 day stretch spilled over from Jan), then 2 to 3 day AF stretches.

Weather should be changing for the sunnier and it no longer gets dark at 5PM; sunset now around 6:45- manageable. Then DST this coming weekend!

Roadside
April 1st, 2015, 11:53 AM
18 of 31 days AF. Longest stretch was 5 days. Some tough relationship situations navigated, always room for improvement on how I handle these situations but overall my response has 'improved', been more 'thoughtful' or less 'dramatic'; all three descriptions are accurate, to include always room for improvement.

Just about time to plant, I am waiting on my local HS to have their FFA plant sale.

Every day is an opportunity. Today I had the opportunity to enjoy my children, to enjoy housework (huh?) and to simply enjoy being. I get to go to church tonight and help with the youth group. This weekend I get to enjoy Easter with my family.


A little more accepting every day; a little more grateful, a little more mindful.

Roadside
April 1st, 2015, 12:15 PM
923

Roadside
May 1st, 2015, 11:02 PM
16 of 30 days AF. Longest stretch 5 days.

Sometimes I am disappointed of my apparent lack of accomplishments and then sometimes I am grateful to not have some of the pressures of 'affluence', whatever that is. More recently, I am not satisfied with being a mom; too trying, too much work. Would I walk away, absolutely not. But it isn't supposed to be this hard.

On a positive note, the longer days and warmer weather have improved my mood.

Roadside
May 3rd, 2015, 10:28 AM
So I am in this ASAP (army substance abuse program) briefing that is given to everybody to deter overall substance abuse and although there are good intentions, I think it is all a bunch of bullshit. Firstly, they liken a checklist for a piece of machinery to a checklist for our body and there are supposed 'low risk' standards for drinking (I.e. One a day Ok). Bullshit. I had a chaplain ask me recently what I drink and My response was 'it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be drinking at all'.

Another piece of bullshit is the apparent motivation to drink or do drugs is to 'get high', according to this brief. there is no mention of anxiety or other stressors as a motivation to drink. Bullshit.

I guess this brief is for the laypeople out there and not for an alcoholic. Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh.

Roadside
June 1st, 2015, 10:21 AM
May Report:

23 of 31 days AF (8 days AL use).

4 and 5 day AF stretches.

My son keeps on putting stars for each day on the calendar (stars are AF days) and I have gotten confused. He saw my stars, caught on, now he asks me "Mommy, did we put a star on today? We forgot to put a star on yesterday". These kinds of things are what will put me in tears years from now. If this isn't a sign from God then there are no signs.

I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for my health and I am so grateful for my two beautiful, healthy, intelligent children. I am also grateful for my family, friends, dogs and chickens.

Roadside
June 13th, 2015, 02:52 PM
13 days in a row AF, 13 stars in a row, now back to routine as I know it. I have a good start- I have lost a bit of weight, I am stronger, I am calmer (except at this very moment, I feel a noose is choking and dragging me [anxiety]) so I need to keep it up. Early morning walks, shorter naps and healthier meal choices are ahead. I feel pretty good, I gotta keep this momentum up.

** right now, I am laid down for a nap. It will probably be a long one. But this is my only day for the next seven, I will nap for longer than 30 mins, lord willing!

Roadside
August 13th, 2015, 11:22 PM
Well, it has been a bit o' time, and my habit of not following through with goals reflects itself once again by not posting; or even tracking, my AF time.

The summer has treated me well, overall. Lighter depression because of longer daylight, but the lack of schedule has led to daily napping, which seems to put on the guilt, I 'shoulda done this' and my waistline is growing. I am entering that stage in a woman's life where her waist expands but her breasts don't; there is a tubelike appearance all through the torso. I don't have any desire to balance this 'tube' with bulging out the boobs, no sir. I sorta understand where masectomy patients grieve, it might not be the fatty tissue itself, but the feminine shape that is lost - they have been immediately, not gradually, cast into premature tube-dom.
Back to summer - although temperature is returning to nightly 'window opening' in 37 deg latitude, the sun is so fierce during the day, I desire it to recede (and I will no doubt complain in 2 months about not enough sun).
But the crux of this post has yet to materialize; children require my attention at this moment. I need to come back and finish, hopefully I will.

abcowboy
August 14th, 2015, 11:28 PM
Great to see you back Roadside!