PDA

View Full Version : Keeping track of where I am



Choices
November 2nd, 2015, 01:35 PM
I'm almost 3 weeks AF yesterday was tough. I got lots of wonderful advice here in MWO. I'm veery happy to be here again, but I wish I'd never left. Feelings of guilt are starting to rise up now on falling off the wagon but at least I'm back. I think this journal will be good. I'm running after a 3 year old and have baby brain half the time so either have to run after her or forget what to reply to. My thoughts are all over the place. But I feel so much better when I get them out.

NoSugar
November 2nd, 2015, 01:45 PM
Hi, Choices. Keeping track is a good idea. I didn't do it and wish I had. I hope you keep posting on GLoamers, though. I think interacting is important, too. :hug:

Choices
November 2nd, 2015, 04:18 PM
Thanks NS.
I'm scared to hijack a thread while struggling like this I'll definitely pop in because I think it's a wonderful thread. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying. Wonderful bunch. I think I will be posting a lot about everything in the next few days ... So figure I can core dump here and not disrupt a rhythm of things. I welcome company though. I just got back from the drop off. Yesterday was so tough... And thank goodness I didn't notice that hubby had hidden two cans off beer in the crisper of the refrigerator. I found them last night. I was a bit annoyed. And was going to say something but left it. This morning I woke up and yep, they were on my mind. After running around getting the shopping done... I just came home and poured them both out into the toilet. I remember a woman from last time blonde who said this was better then down the sink because the smell gets flushed too. I feel so much better with the cans out of the house. I feel bad that I wasted his beer this way but I had said not to bring any in the house. He can be mad if he wants I can't control that. He was quite sharp and annoyed with me last night anyway and I'm kind of just getting use to letting it roll of my back. Really big things on my mind to deal with. I can't let his mood bother me. I think I did the right thing pouring the beer out. I don't want to think about it just sitting in the fridge. I read a post last night about a man on his 3rd day I think turning to AA and going to church. I'm not a church goer but thinking about both AA and church. My timer has gone off now to clean the shower.. Mold be gone!

Choices
November 2nd, 2015, 05:40 PM
I can say this. I am definitely not tired and seam to be on a cleaning spree. I was going to do yoga, but I think I'll just run with this deep cleaning thing. I can't focus on anything. I think if I got to yoga I'd just want to leave. I really feel like being alone. I don't feel as crappy as yesterday though so that is good. I've got this retreat coming up at the end of the month that I am getting pretty excited for. Yep, just checking in here helps to keep me on the AF mind. I was thinking this time was going easier... But now I can feel the thick of it and really regret that I let a slip fall into a relapse. The first time I was terrified of relapse. Probably too much. Fear was my major motivator then. Which is fine. Whatever it takes. Now I'm not so afraid but really humbled at how incredibly hard stopping is. Nothing to be taken lightly.

paulywogg
November 2nd, 2015, 07:28 PM
Choices, I've had the beer in the crisper experience too,I told hubs please don't ever leave any beer in the fridge cuz one bad day I might eyeball it and chug it before I know what's happening, that's how my crazy brain works,he said he forgot it was there,typical normie,I on the other hand knew where all of my beers were!now he keeps his beer in the garage in a cooler and only buys it as he goes, I think its wonderful to write down your feelings in a personal thread,that way you can vent,scream,cuss(me) without feeling like a thread hog,3 weeks is awesome, keep it up:)

abcowboy
November 2nd, 2015, 10:21 PM
Journaling is healthy medicine Choices!

Choices
November 2nd, 2015, 11:30 PM
Thanks everyone. Yes, me too Pauly, I know exactly where all alcohol is how much I would have left... Unless I blacked out and would wake up upset about how much I drank. I'm feeling better. The sun came out so turning into a lovely early evening here. I am obsessed with cleaning today and I actually love it when I get in this mood. (Rare). The house feels so much better clean. We bought a bbq last weekend and I think I'll cook outside all summer now. (I'm in NZ.. It's spring at the moment). Looking at the people on the box of the bbq was a photo of people drinking wine and beer. I had a boo hoo me moment which isn't how I was the last quit. I was very alcohol is poison. Yuck. But I do believe it's poison for me. I'll get my head around this

treetops
November 3rd, 2015, 01:03 AM
Hi Choices - yes it is a great idea to have a personal thread but do keep posting on Gloamers - and dont worry if you feel its too personal there. We all do this.
As for those silly people in the photo on the box - you know what to do, just see it as an ad and remind yourself that they are paid to drink - probably drinking empty cans or tea that looks like beer.
You might have to come to an arrangement with your hubby about no AL in the house. You need support at the moment.
Yes its very hard these early weeks but you are doing well. I

starty
November 3rd, 2015, 01:14 AM
Hi Choices. I too am back after a lengthy relapse. I had 6 years sober and am now on day 9. My hubs drinks too but he will not drink anywhere near as much now that I am not.
I had to go to the supermarket on Sat and wait while he browsed the wine. Normies do NOT get our struggle at all. I think because I did 6 years sober he thinks it is easy for me to quit. It isn't

I remember back at my first 3 week mark, that was a tough time for me as well. I heard somewhere that certain milestones can be a bit tough. 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months etc. I certainly found that true. Whether its because within that celebration there is still a bit of grief I don't know. Whatever it is, it might help to realise that it will pass. But I am sure you know that even though you might not feel that way at the mo.

Hang in there, keep journalling because that helps me too to hear others stories

BTW what is Gloamers?

treetops
November 3rd, 2015, 01:43 AM
Gloamers are the Ladies on a Mission - (LOAM) but we are called Gloamers because there are some Guys. We are under the Abstinence Threads. Do pop in and get acquainted! Six years is amazing. Those of us who have been sober a long time (I am 3 years) know we have to remain vigilant and we are all in this together. On our thread we are dedicated to being sober but we know that its not always as simple as just quitting. Its also a thread where we share sometimes about all the other stuff - called life - that we deal with - as we also deal with AL addiction.

Choices
November 3rd, 2015, 02:12 AM
Your so right about the photo TT they even look really corny! I am still reading along the glomers thread. I'm glad you explained what it meant. Haha.. I was wondering too. I remember you Starty! I was just choice then. I forgot my password and had to start over... But a clean slate is alright considering I'm at the beginning again. You are SO right, thank you for reminding me about the Three's. If I look up my old self I bet I'll see this. I do remember 3 months, 6... Interesting. Mainly because it helps. It's like remembering it's a full moon when everyone is acting strange. I had told hubby I couldn't have ANY alcohol in the house. We discussed it at length. He really thought he was hiding it. Probably because he doesn't look on the crisper. He's home now. And mentioned to me that I found his sneaky beer... And apologized. I just said, you can have beer. I don't think he will do it again... Because I poured it out. Our communication is so crap tonight. I dunno tick tock... I'm missing the second week this is great feeling. And just waiting for it to come back.

starty
November 3rd, 2015, 02:21 AM
You cannot hide booze from an alkie tell your hubs that :)

I am more comfortable with my hubs drinking beer, mainly because it did not "do it' for me.

Your "this is great" feeling will come back. I promise you. Those downers do not last forever, just acknowledge them and let them pass.

Choices
November 3rd, 2015, 03:03 PM
I was hoping to wake up with the mood gone. But it's still lingering. Very grateful I'm not hungover on top of it! It would feel like the end of the world and a marathon to get through the day. It is really nice to wake up in such a clean room haha. I've got the gym today but I think I'll go the hot tub, steam, sauna routine. My back is killing me and I'm still feeling sorry for myself to lift weights. My daughter just switched from daycare to school and has been missing one of her friends terribly. I'd never met the mother, but was able to contact her and arrange a play date for this afternoon with our girls. It will be nice to see them together again. English isn't the mothers first language so I'm excited to meet her and for the experience. I liked being alone the past two days but I'm glad my daughter is home for the next two. She is blowing bubbles at me wanting to watch pippa pig at the moment. Im inspired to get in a better mood. Hope your early days are being kind to you Starty!

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 05:04 AM
3 weeks ago on a Thursday night I scared myself and my family in an alcoholic rage, blacked out and would have have been committed if I'd been in public. It hasn't been an easy cake walk these past weeks sobering up... But it's been really worth it. I'm in a really good place mentally tonight and I feel so grateful I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did a few days ago. A hangover isn't just getting over the immediate physical effects. Especially after drinking heavily the past 6 months... And the build up to my breakdown a year of moderating up to that point. I can only imagine how much better I'm going to feel a week, month year from now. I regret letting alcohol take charge over my life again, but I'm happy I know what to do now. It didn't turn out to be as strait a path as I had thought it was going to be. I truly thought I'd never drink again the first time I quit. Any slip I had as just 'choice' was pretty small and far between. It was nothing like a relapse. When I was moderating I was enjoying myself but I was also lying to myself that I was okay the whole time. I wasn't okay. Not once. I've been scared, alone, and trying to be so strong the whole time. While alcohol was weakening me every sip, glass. Bottle, bottles at a session I drank. Until I became someone who is so far from the person I am, and want to be. For myself, my child, my husband, family, friends... World. I never really thought I could control it.., it's odd I was just waiting this whole time for it to control me again so I could STOP. Alcohol just never stops.. It's never enough.. There is never any rest or satisfaction.

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 05:17 AM
It is such a powerful grip. It's almost like when I did have control I felt tricked. It really is wicked. Haunting. Possessing. Ok.. Now I'm going a bit over the top... But it is.

daisy45
November 5th, 2015, 05:24 AM
You are not going over the top......all true!

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 05:38 AM
What's so annoying is I can wright a post like that, feel resolved. Go downstairs, make something to eat. And actually think, I've got this figured out. Maybe I should just get drunk one more time to say goodbye.. Then be done forever. It's insane. Truly insane. To even waver with thoughts. It must be because I felt passionate about what I wrote. So the emotion was intense. Argh. I know I'm better then I was a few days ago. I hate those slipping thoughts!

daisy45
November 5th, 2015, 07:47 AM
I know exactly what you mean Choices. A drink to commiserate, celebrate, and always just this last time.....the tomorrow we expected to come turns into yesterday again and repeating that cycle.

NoSugar
November 5th, 2015, 07:55 AM
Choice, you write so well and are strengthening me in my resolve not to take what I've got now for granted. I think personal stories are some of the most powerful tools we have. Would you consider sharing your story in this thread:
http://www.mywayout.org/community/general-discussion/73619-relapse-retrospect.html?

Writing the whole thing out could be good for you and others - and something for you to come back and read if you ever start to convince yourself that "this time" you can control what we all know is uncontrollable.

Anyway, I hope you'll consider it. :heart: NS

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 08:02 AM
Exactly Daisy.... Life was getting that way. What a waist. Well, now I swam to have hit an insomnia phase of things. It is nearly 2am here. I am worried about functioning tomorrow. But I am not drinking and so I guess I'll just be ordinary tired. I'm really thinking of going to an AA meeting tomorrow. I feel like I need to see a human. I'm pretty sure it won't hurt. I've never been before. What I really need is my mind to stop thinking about all of this and rest.

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 08:23 AM
Hi NS, thanks, I think I crossed posted. I will dedicatedly consider it. I probably need to just get out of this pit first. But I am so glad this is helping strengthen anyone's resolve to wonder if being AF for a few years might make it okay to have a few drinks on occasion. Although that wasn't what I ever thought. I think it was a perfect storm when I took that sip, or rather small airplane glass of wine. I was under extremely pressure, felt like I was going to explode, traveling with a toddler on a twelve hour flight.., returning from an emotionally charged trip. I hadn't been back to the States in years and I'd gone back married with a baby. I felt let down and abandoned by my family when I was home. But that's not what went wrong... What happened is the small glass of wine worked. I immediately felt relaxed. At ease. It was like reuniting with an old friend. I loved it. I felt mildly confused that it happened so easily. I didn't think about it, it was offered and I took it. (Wine is offered at dinner on Air New Zealand for dinner as part of the meal). If I'd even had to of paid cash or credit card it might not of happened. I was being offered something I wanted and wasn't strong enough to stick to what I know is best for me. I felt like shit, and didn't love myself enough to say no thanks. Probably the answer to not relapsing has nothing to do with fear of it, but really caring about yourself so much that you don't want to hurt yourself.

starty
November 5th, 2015, 08:36 AM
Oh Choices your feelings so mirror my own in many ways. I guess that is what relapse after a long time sober does.

Do you not find comfort in knowing that you CAN actually be happy without al? That is what is keeping me going through these tough early times. I KNOW I will be ok and will be happy. I am very afraid of getting complacent or bored again though.

Choices
November 5th, 2015, 09:13 AM
I think that is a positive of having done this before Starty. Is that I was so much happier without alcohol in my life... The longer the better. Even these past 21 days I'm happier then the past 18 months if I'm truly honest. Man, it's 3am here.. But I just had a cup of coffee. Because I think I'm having an aha kinda night or I'm in the middle of a private personal crisis that only people here know about. I think it was feeling like shit, like I wasn't good enough, like I was a failure that welcomed alcohol back in. I just didn't care about myself. I saw this really good quote on Facebook about not letting others options about you ... I'll have to look it up and post it when I find it. But yeah, life is so much better sober. I don't like how raw I feel right now.., but I'm feeling again. When I was making my cup of coffee just now I was realizing that I just haven't even liked myself for this whole time. I've been trying to do all sorts of things to try and feel better. I have a ton of hobbies that I love, I'm happy with what I have, where I live, my stuff blah blah.., but I don't like walking around in myself. Or haven't since I started drinking again, well even before that. I decided after I finished that cup of coffee that I am going to get better. Everything is in place on the outside. All set up I don't have to look any further out there. I've traveled halfway around and under the world and now I need to feel better truly better inside. That I am good enough regardless of the disapproval of my family and now that I'm 42 I have to let all that crap go. I like what NS said about I don't have to drink anymore. Or something. I like that. It's so mean to do to yourself.

starty
November 5th, 2015, 02:11 PM
Thats brilliant that you are having aha moments. That is when the elusive pink cloud comes I think. I didn't like myself much either, felt depressed for a long while and "is this it" feelings.

Also, if we don't like ourselves, no one else will. So maybe it is time to let it all go.

Eloise
November 6th, 2015, 05:55 AM
wish i was having some aha moments myself Choices.
gonna drag myself out of bed and have a 30 minute walk like it says all over the internet.
take a walk, you will feel better.

NoSugar
November 6th, 2015, 06:42 AM
El, I'm sorry you're so down. It is hard to help from the other side of the world but please know I'm thinking about you, my only literally no sugar buddy around here :hug:.

I hope you're having another good day, Choices! Hi, Starty :smile:.

Eloise
November 6th, 2015, 07:52 AM
thanks NS, much appreciated.

i continue in my search to eat, exercise & feel better, so yeah I feel strongly about avoiding the sugar and focusing on eating for nutrition not comfort.

starty
November 6th, 2015, 08:39 AM
Sorry to hear you are feeling less than chipper Eloise. I wonder if it is to do with the change of the clocks or seasons? I suffer with that SAD thing. I got myself one of those lamps that is supposed to help.

NS, has NS made a huge difference to you? I am curious but not ready to take that step yet

NoSugar
November 6th, 2015, 08:53 AM
Hi, Starty

I gave up sugar and starchy carbs 4 or 5 years ago due to steadily increasing blood sugars. For awhile, I think it worsened my drinking (like many people increase sugar intake when they stop drinking) - the reward pathways of the 2 are so similar, one can "compensate" for the other. That is why so many treatment centers suggest getting everything that stimulates those pathways out of your life.

When I was first quitting drinking and occasionally consumed what is for me "bad" food, it increased my desire to drink. I'm much much better off w/ both of them out of my life entirely. When I don't have either, I don't want either - I can't remember the last time I craved either. Sweet food doesn't even taste all that great to me anymore when I have a small bit to avoid awkward social situations (e.g. after I have refused everything containing gluten or alcohol, I do sample the special gluten-free dessert someone specially made for me, not believing that I really don't even want it). It only takes about a month for your taste buds to change.

There's so much research out there regarding the ill effects of "crappy carb" and sugar consumption - I think we'll see much different eating patterns going mainstream in the coming years.

So to answer your question after all that, yes, it has changed my life (second only to giving up alcohol). NS

Choices
November 6th, 2015, 04:08 PM
Hi everyone. Thank you so much :hug:

It really helped to get that sad hurt stuff out. I was too shy to even check in yesterday. Sorry your down Eloise. I think a walk does wonders. Did it help? What type of lamp do you have Starty? I may need to look into buying one. On the no sugar front. I feel so much better when I eat clean. This mom friend I have does does this just loose it diet weight loss program that I was lucky to be a ginny pig for. It's pretty close to paleo. But yeah no sugar, alcohol, suggested no caffeine.. Mostly green veggies. And a proteins. It works really well. After about a month with no sugar I know exactly what you mean NS it tastes really different and really is a head rush. Same with the carbs. I let myself have whatever I wanted at a birthday party.. And actually had a food hangover for a few days. I'm gearing up to start my friends program again but it's really strict.., so I thought I'd do it once I hit 30 days AF so I don't overwhelm myself and feel stressed.

Yeah so, I didn't sleep at all that night maybe an hour. Yesterday was tough to get done what I needed too and my mind was racing most the day but I luckily got to go to bed when hubby got home at 7:30. And slept 12 hours. Major luxury with a 3 year old. My mind has stopped racing and I feel better but kinda vulnerable. I'm so happy not to be hungover. My resolve to stay sober just is getting stronger. I don't really feel like climbing out of this emotional pit over and over again. I literally am dealing with stuff that I would have done so much easier at the time sober. Nothing is easy when you put things off. Alcohol doesn't make anything go away.., it just makes it all so much worse. It makes me wallow which isn't really productive.

Eloise
November 7th, 2015, 04:52 AM
hey choices... honestly i would just start by cutting back on the sugar until you are a bit further into your quit unless of course it is easy for you.
i find it easy as long as there are no goodies in the house.
my challenge is i make snack for my art program. 80% of the time i make snack with honey.
so, i am not being perfect NS, but i am acutely aware and doing my best.
i think i would like to start a new SF roll call NoSugar..

choices, life may not be perfect without alcohol but it certainly is easier.
these days i cannot imagine going backward and reading here keeps it all in the forefront of my mind.

Choices
November 7th, 2015, 01:55 PM
I'm not sure if I'll go completely sugar free but cutting back for sure when I get farther along AF. I don't really have that much as it is. But I'm constantly at little kids parties where the mother worked so hard on the cake... Etc... And I haVe a sweet tooth so kinda just indulge sometimes, but I feel heaps better without sugar in my system. What kind of art program do you do? I have my BFA in painting. I feel terrible my last show was a year ago and I have done absolutely nothing of my own work since, only more crafty things for my home etc. which is still satisfying, but not my 'work' if that makes since? Feeling good today. Morning is the best sober. I did yoga last night and felt that glow of contentment. Off to RPM this morning and Then yoga again tonight. My husband seams to be in a fantastic mood this weekend and really generous with me taking this time for myself. So I'm feeling pretty grateful and lucky.

treetops
November 8th, 2015, 12:50 AM
Great to see that your weekend has been going pretty well. Even more with a supportive husband - long may this last for you.

I take the sugar route in moderation - when I was drinking I also had an eating disorder but I cleared up the eating one long before I quit AL. Now that I am sober I enjoy ice-cream and sometimes a few pieces of chocolate. But it doesn't get out of hand and doesn't bother me. I have been a vegetarian/pescatarian for c 30 years -although how that actually worked out when I was drinking was pretty unbalanced.
Hope your Sunday has gone well!

Choices
November 8th, 2015, 04:20 AM
That's really cool that your a vegetarian/pescatarian TT. I try to give up meat. But I'm too much of a carnivore. I try to only buy free range meat and eggs, but sometimes am unable too when in a rush. Same goes for veggies and fruit. I love vegetarian cuisine. Vegan and raw food. And really enjoy the challenge of meatless days. Maybe I'll be able to switch... But probably same as with the sugar... Keep these in moderation. Sunday was great. I almost can't believe I was in such a state last Thursday. I did a yoga class tonight and the instructor had an awesome quote at the end of it. It was 'you are the sky, the only thing that changes is the weather.' I think that is beautiful... Hopefully I can think of that if I have a crisis feeling bubble up again. I have been eating ice cream without guilt during my first 30 days AF. I'm ok with it. I'm sorry you struggled with an eating disorder TT. I have along the way had close friends struggle. It's not easy. I luckily had always been able to maintain a healthy weight. But not when I got older.. Now I struggle to not be overweight. Which I am at the moment. Well, mildly obese if the BMI scale is correct...I'm not real happy about it but I keep trying. I gained a ton in pregnancy. Then lost a lot before I went home with my daughter... And so, once I started drinking again.. All the weight came back on. I'm glad I've been at least active, hopefully I'll be able to loose easier not drinking... But I'll probably need to stop with the ice cream. As I've only lost a kg since going AF.

Choices
November 11th, 2015, 04:07 AM
Almost to 30 days... It has been really worth it and I'm feeling good. It wasn't worth the agony to have relapsed. It wasn't an experiment to see if I could have just one... But once I did have just one.., I pretty much took all of my hard work and effort I put into being sober for almost 3.5 years for granted. I guess learning I shouldn't drink for sure is a positive I can get out of my relapse because I think there was a small part of me that thought my first quit may have been dramatic... Maybe I wasn't that bad etc... I wasn't that bad for a while... But then I was worse then the first quit... What I feel grateful for is that this sickness, disease, alcoholism, problem drinking, whatever I have... I'm able to stop this time. (Again)..; but if I look back to this time last year...quitting was weighing heavily on my mind and I couldn't... I didn't want to give it up again. Forever was too hard of a word when I'd just started again. I've known I was in trouble for a while, but it was as if I just couldn't help myself and keep caving. So somehow... What might have been a slip.. Turned into 18 months. It wasn't all terrible... But this is so much better being sober. I can't imagine how hard it would be to stop and start over and over again. It would be hell. I know I'm vulnerable to thoughts of granger regarding alcohol. I deal with this daily. But it's manageable and luckily my interests at the moment are more focused on health. I'm excited for what's to come sober.

starty
November 11th, 2015, 08:45 AM
You could have taken the words right out of my mouth Choices. Knowing we are in trouble and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I thought I might drink forever. Forever probably wouldn't have been that long though

Choices
November 12th, 2015, 05:51 AM
I had that same thought when I was drinking Starty ... I thought well, I'm just a drinker, who drinks heavily sometimes. People do that, I need to stop feeling bad that I'm a drinker... I like drinking, the cost of a hangover is worth it... It's only really the morning I feel bad... And when I was really painfully hungover I'd think... Now, this time I really over did it... Don't drink that heavily.. Try and keep it to just one bottle of wine... More then that is too much... The thoughts just became too consuming.. I didn't know that I felt like shit most of the time because it was my normal. So the only time I felt good was when I was buzzed.

starty
November 12th, 2015, 08:31 AM
I h I didn't know that I felt like shit most of the time because it was my normal. So the only time I felt good was when I was buzzed.

That is so very true....scary huh?

Choices
November 13th, 2015, 05:20 AM
Very scary! And really playing with fire. A night turns into a week, month year.... What a wasteland.

abcowboy
November 14th, 2015, 09:05 AM
Congratulations on your 1 month milestone Choices!

Choices
November 14th, 2015, 07:59 PM
Thank you! I feel pretty good :). Congrats on your 10 months! Very inspirational!! I can't wait until I get that under my belt!

Choices
November 22nd, 2015, 09:02 AM
Yep, so can't sleep. I can't stand it when this happens... So here I am. In the middle of a massive rift with hubby. Eggshells all over. It sucks. Not even sure what to say about it. My desire to drink Saturday night was the toughest yet. White knuckled my way.. But I did it. My biggest trigger is conflict with someone I love. This is where I fell off the wagon after my trip home. When I fought with my sister. It's where I feel betrayed and side swiped. I get enraged at how vulnerable I feel, exposed and unable to cope. I'm unable to control my intense emotions and feel pulled to self destruct. Very weak, and impulsive. It's hard to stay calm, rational. I feel like a hurt child who has been treated wrong and unfairly. Especially if I am trying my best and feeling proud. I'll suddenly feel stupid,, ridiculous, ashamed,. These feelings make me ill and disturbed. I start to obsess and get paranoid as if they have it in for me and I'll feel unloved, ridiculous and dumb. It's when I let someone I love hurt me. I'm not quite sure how to protect myself here. I know for sure drinking will destroy me. This will be some new territory for me to carve out how to handle when a loved one hurts me. Because there is no way of protecting myself from that. It's external. So how do I stop it from going internal? On a deeper level. Just thoughts. This trigger is my biggest hurdle. And one I think will shed light on an inner sadness of not feeling truly loved. It may seam obscured but I think I'm on to something I don't quite understand. I can be a teetotaler easy enough once I get momentum but whatever I feel when my heart breaks is where my self destruction kicks in. I think it's betrayal. And I think I'll act tough when it happens. My first instinct is to yell and scream. This need to be understood, it's impossible. Or at least it feels impossible. To be understood, validated. No matter what I need to find a way with in this massive hurdle to keep myself safe, secure, balanced.

Choices
November 23rd, 2015, 01:48 AM
I think yoga is my new addiction. I worked a lot of this out in my session today. It's great because I can focus on my issues but not too much because I need to focus on not falling over or falling down. It is really working for me and I feel like I'm making break through. I only wish it wasn't when I am experiencing insomnia. I am truly much better off sober. The dark space I can go to passes much easier then if I'd been drinking a bottle of wine to those thoughts.

Choices
December 1st, 2015, 06:50 AM
So here I am, can't sleep so figure I'll post. I'm feeling pretty steady now. My emotions have gotten pretty level. And the mood swings have stopped. I'm feeling very relieved. I feel really similar to how I did before my relapse only more self assured about knowing for sure I can not drink. Any questions that may have came up during my first quit have definitely been answered as far as that goes. I really can't believe how challenging it was to come to the decision to quit again. I just couldn't stop. I didn't try very hard at all mainly because I was in its grip. I kind of think worrying about relapse like I did my first quit was a waste of time and energy. Being prepared of course is good.., but if I had to go back and do it again knowing what I know now... I would have worked harder on taking care of myself in a gentler way. Nurture what was sad in me and work through that... But I didn't even know that about myself at the time.. It really is a journey and while I had always thought it was going to be a direct strait path for my recovery.. It just wasn't. One thing I did learn during my relapse was, the effect alcohol has on me in a negative way ... Is the drug, and not me. When I drank before my first quit.. The negatives I thought actually were me... That there was something very wrong with me.. I'm talking about the guilty hangover days etc.. Regrets, embarrassment and shame feelings brought on by withdraw. This time, during the relapse I could separate that even when I was hungover.. I could fight those blues, and see that it was only withdraw that was causing me to feel that way. I never got to sucidal thoughts but my mind was in overdrive and battered working not to. And, it all was taking its toll, the I hate myself thoughts were beginning to win. In saying all of this, and not feeling at all that way now... Or even close sober... I can easily recognize that under the influence I can actually go insane and it really is the alcohol penetrating my mind body and soul and not who I am at all. Having to be responsible under this mind alteration is impossible. And if I had continued like I was.. I really think the damage I was doing would have become irreversible.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 02:32 AM
Tonight is pretty tough. I've been pretty much fighting my mind for nearly 4 hours. This is the worst craving night I've had. To the point of I'm not sure posting will do much good but I'm trying to do the right thing. I pretty much know why it might be happening.. I couldn't sleep last night so I'm really tired.. And I'm in an off and on angry mood about stuff I feel to exhausted to go into right now. And stress. And alcohol in the house left over from my daughters birthday party. And going to a mums night out last night where there was wine,and not posting, and being really annoyed with my mother and law and how she acted at the birthday party, and this overwhelming feeling that I just don't care how far I've come and that I can just start over again once the alcohol is out of the house, I didn't buy it, and it shouldn't be in the house. But it is. My husband took a cab to a work function tonight which means he is having a few drinks and honestly I am just wanting to feel like I don't have a problem. I'm thinking I can handle this my mind is so swayed to drink right now and I just am not sure I am strong enough to completely stop it. The problem my brain is having is.. I just am wanting a break.. A break from feeling so stressed and tired. I just want to relax and to tired to, if that makes any since.

treetops
December 8th, 2015, 03:13 AM
Choices - you are very strong but you are not Wonderwoman. You have been tested in so many ways lately - these all add up. You are very very tired and it doesn't sound like you have a heap of support. Thats why its important to keep posting here - writing it out will help. I have made some other suggestions in a PM - these are pretty straight forward and maybe not what you want to hear.
You can get through this XXX

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 06:31 AM
Things are not good. Not at all. Husband is drunk, I'm drunk just not a terrible scene. But not the best.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 06:42 AM
I am so f up right now. Hubby upset. I'm sick of him. Don't find comfort there. As far as this goes. I'm alone. Yep so he saw me was drinking wine... I was hiding it... But tried to take it away... He is drunk himself.... Blah blah blah... I am intoxicated. Best word intoxicated. =alone. ALONE

kuya
December 8th, 2015, 07:27 AM
Sorry your battle ended this way.

Get back on the horse tomorrow after you get the alcohol out of the house.

NoSugar
December 8th, 2015, 08:11 AM
Choices, please rest and then start again tomorrow, bolstered with the new information this awful day has given you. You can't undo it but you can use it to get to where you want to be. You didn't drink because you're a bad person. You're definitely not! You drank because you're addicted, you are under incredible stress, and you need some more new coping tools. They are out there and you can find what works for you. We all can. I hope you come right back and let us help you. xx, NS

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 08:20 AM
Ok. He is asleep, we r ok. Not fighting. Lots of stuff told to me about stress he has . I welcome this! Honesty. F'd up night as far as me drinking. Just posting. Trying not to loose touch on what I need... To be AF... I don't feel bad now... And will try not to feel too bad tomorrow.,,really embarrassed . Only because I'm posting.

abcowboy
December 8th, 2015, 08:35 AM
Choices, I wish I had something comforting to say. All the old clichés seem trivial right now. :hug: Things will get better, just give them time....and try not to be too hard on yourself! Go through the events of last night and see where you could have made smarter Choices, it's all in your name you know...

starty
December 8th, 2015, 08:41 AM
At least you are still here Choices. That is huge.

treetops
December 8th, 2015, 12:27 PM
Morning Choices. I know you will feel dreadful today. Last night sounded awful. As I said it's a new day. Don't prolong this and make sure you don't drink again. With the festive season it will be hard. I will PM some suggestions of some help you might be able to get ie face to face if that is what you want. You have to deal with your issues with AL and I think you need support here that may be a bit more than only MWO. Especially at the moment. It might take me a few hours to be able to PM as I am dashing out the door. For now rest, hydrate and look after yourself and your daughter. Deal with hubby once you both feel better physically.

treetops
December 8th, 2015, 01:58 PM
Just sent a long PM - so I hope this helps.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 03:09 PM
I do feel horrible today. Probably still a little drunk right now. Yes, alcohol can not be in the house. Hubs has agreed to this and took the rest away. He wants to go AF with me after the holidays. I need to be AF starting now. This quit is harder then the first time. By that I mean the staying quit part. I am addicted to this stuff. I hate that I am.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 03:35 PM
NS you mentioned other coping skills, I agree... But wonder what else would work to help me before I get to that point again.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 03:46 PM
I'm feeling pretty discouraged because I was trying so hard and just gave up. Looking back it was the stress of this birthday party that really got to me and the pressure. I ran out of time to do yoga and work out. My posts today are going to be short blips because I've got daughter at home with me.

kuya
December 8th, 2015, 04:05 PM
When you have a chance come and look at the thread we have in general about the three principles.

It may give you some more choices to explore and mostly calm you.

There are some inspiring videos to watch. At the very least you will be entertained.

And don't beat yourself up about struggling to quit. I must have made the promise to quit every morning for YEARS before I actually did it.
It was the FEAR of being sober which is an anxiety CAUSED by alcohol withdrawal that stopped me quitting. Once sober a short while that went away. I wasted 25 years being afraid of something that nly lasted a couple weeks.

lifechange
December 8th, 2015, 04:07 PM
I'm sorry to read about all the stress you've been under, Choices. I'd been wondering where you were and just now saw this thread .:hug: I agree with the others.. what is done is done. Focus on yourself and your daughter and just get through today without being too hard on yourself. You can do this.. first things first. Today..

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 04:18 PM
I think today I'm going to try and do what has been suggested. And try and post as much as I can with what I have going on at home with a three year old. Who is being really good this morning and cute. (someone is looking out for me... as far as that goes.) I'm thankful for that. I drank two bottles of wine last night. It actually felt good while I was doing it and it felt like just what I needed... argh.. gotta go

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 04:26 PM
At this rate I can at least see the number of my posting go up! Yes, and so it felt good... and I knew I'd feel this way today... and did the pros and cons and decided to do it anyway. I think there is something to figure out here so I don't do it again about how I just reach my limit coping wise and then choose to hurt myself because that's what I'm really doing by drinking. Yesterday i was even thinking that I understood cutters. The feeling is so intense when I can't cope.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 04:39 PM
What took me over the edge was Christmas shopping with my 3 year old and trying to make sure she didn't break anything in these stores. Bad idea to even think I could take her. Too much pressure on her too. The only reason I even had her with me is because I invited this woman and her child to her party... they forgot the kids backpack.. this woman I don't know well.. and our girls adore each other. She is from a completely different culture and while I find her story interesting it is maybe a bit to tough for me to be trying to get this play date stuff happening. She asked if I could bring the backpack to where our kids use to go to daycare together which is a real pain.. She is in this arranged marriage and doesn't have a car.. etc.. came to the party late, left early was on her phone the whole time... I think she felt uncomfortable at the party.. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.. and felt bad for i have no idea! So I ended up bringing this backpack through traffic.. which really, really sucked. I was worried about my daughter falling asleep in the car.. because if she did.. (which she did... ) She can't fall asleep at night until seriously midnight. Since we were going to the daycare that she use to go to.. we got out said hi to everyone.. it was stressful because she was acting shy.. and everyone wanted a cuddle and to just do what I guess is normal stuff... my daughter did enjoy seeing everyone.. but maybe it was a bit too much for me? then we went to the mall.. because I knew traffic was even worse.. was worried she would fall asleep... all of the above! The mall was stressful... as I said. I was trying to just kill time.. something I don't have much of in the first place... and in an annoying atmosphere. This is where the thoughts came in about the wine I knew was in the fridge at home

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 04:46 PM
The night before i had gone to a mums night out with women from my daughters new school... there was hardly any drinking involved. but it was at a restaurant/ bar and there was wine, and wine glasses. we were there for hours and every woman except one made their one glass of wine last for the entire time.. which amazed me. I had soda water with lime. but honestly it was tough to be there. And I probably should have come up with an excuse not to go. I liked the women. And met one that also has a paddle board with no one to paddle with like me so we decided we should do this together.. so I am glad that happened.. but yeah.. probably could have done without the social activity in a bar atmosphere.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 04:50 PM
The evening also overstimulated me... and I couldn't sleep... which led to me being over tired yesterday.. instead of taking care of myself I frantically ran around Christmas shopping spending money i don't really think we should.. and trying to get it all packed and ready to send to my family in the states before it's too late. So long lines at the post shop and the overall annoying stuff that goes along with it... and that stupid backpack on my mind! Trying to figure out how to get it to her. I kind of regretted inviting her in the first place because of how the whole thing went! As I type... I'm seeing all of these things were out of my control... but I somehow knew the outcome of my daughter not sleeping.. and me going nuts.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 05:30 PM
I am so ill. I've called hubs and he is going to come home early. And call and check on me every hour. He mentioned going away next weekend which I think would be a good idea. We have a battle ground of kids birthday parties and he's got one for his work... that I was trying to find a sitter for so I could go with him but now I'm glad that I can't find one. I'm thinking it's too hard for me to see my husband drunk or even smell beer on his breath. I think I'll tell him this when he comes home. I think he thinks I'll be alright. He keeps thinking this. I don't think he realizes that I really can't stop. That I actually need his help and support. I'm expecting too much from myself. Maybe on everything but especially from abusing alcohol.

NoSugar
December 8th, 2015, 05:34 PM
Hi, Choices

You are really really busy, in body and mind! I can see why you were feeling totally overwhelmed and just wanted to get away from all of that.

It is a bit trickier when you have a child, I know, but it was so helpful to me to slow my life waaayyyy down during the first few months of my quit. I interacted a great deal on MWO but not in my real life. I didn't go out much -- didn't even talk on the phone. It turned out, there isn't all that much that we absolutely "have" to do. Maybe you could give yourself a break -- meet your family responsibilities but otherwise, take it easy on yourself and just do what you want to do - things that make you feel good.

I'll echo what Kuya said - those 3 Principle's might give you a new way at looking at all of this that really takes the pressure off.

:hug: NS

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 06:48 PM
Thank you NS. There isn't much more I have to do re Christmas stuff. It is super tricky with bubba. Her new school has all this parent stuff etc. it's just insane. School holidays are coming up which will be good but then she will be home with me so busy. My first quit I was on MWO almost all day sometimes. When I feel better I'm going to back out of these birthday parties for kids for the rest of 2015. It's just too much.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 06:53 PM
I am so sick. I seam to be getting worse. My girl has gotten into my makeup which is not something I'd really want on a normal day. But today I can't do much about it. I can not handle a tantrum. I'm trying not to vomit. When I posted a few posts back I said I knew I'd feel this way... I actually didn't know I'd be this bad. How I drink is so dangerous. I can't even really post right now.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 07:07 PM
I told hubs about how I need more support as far as him really curbing his drinking. I told him I can smell it on his breath, how I've scene the cans in the recycling... That it's tough to see him buzzed or drunk. Beer at restaurants etc. I just said I'm not strong enough to handle it right now. I'm just not. It does come down to me but I do need a little help, well probably a lot of help

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 09:29 PM
Thank heavens hubs is home. Finally. My girl was so good today, and sweet. Which I was so lucky for, because I could barely do anything to take care of her. I was thinking, no one knows what I'm going through and no one sees me like this, except for the very one person that I don't want to see me this way. hubs brought me something to eat as well so I finally have something in my stomach. And I think I might take a pain killer soon, I always worry when I'm this bad, that more chemicals in my system will shut it down. I shouldn't have stopped posting or doing yoga, and the gym. But I can't get too hard on myself now... I'm just going hour by hour. Hubs is being really nice to me which I appreciate. my girl and I feel asleep on a recliner and she is sleeping now. which isn't good because it means she will be up until midnight again.. but today, there isn't a lot I can do about that.

I don't know why writing my thoughts down keeps me focused on staying quit. It must be how I'm handling stuff. The day to day stuff altogether that build up. I might need to become really regimented on yoga and posting.

I had a horrible time at my daughters birthday party. I was so stressed out for days building up. i did want it to be perfect for her, and it was as far as I know from what people have said... but it all doesn't madder if I feel that stressed out. I did that last year too. And melted down on Christmas day. and was drunk at my inlaws place slurring and falling out of a bed.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 09:42 PM
Also, the irony that my child's birthday party, is where I caved for the alcohol. Its just stupid. She is such an innocent little girl who needs her mom to be okay. I am overwhelmed. This time of year, no madder what I do to try and go though it with more calmness.. I'm mad at that too. That I put myself in the situation to become so stressed. It's just the constant e-mails and reminders for stuff. The I should... this and that. I loose sight of what I even

Inthesky
December 8th, 2015, 09:46 PM
Don't be so hard on yourself. Pick yourself dust off the AL and move on. Don't let guilt stand in your way of what you really want..I've done that I'm only on day 2 and don't have very many proud moments over the past 10 years where AL was involved. Love yourself

abcowboy
December 8th, 2015, 10:21 PM
Choices, you have to look after yourself first to be the best mom you can be for your daughter. Tearing yourself apart right now for what could have been is pointless. You have to use the last 24 hours as a reminder of the place you don't want to go back to, start focussing on all your positive qualities, and be grateful that you have another chance at getting it right :hug:

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 10:23 PM
Thank you Inthesky. I can't wait until this day is over. My mind has been racing for pretty much a week solid now. Man this time of year is killer. I just had a long talk with hubs because bubba was sleeping.. and we talked more about how I just don't want AL around me. Not as a judgement on him, or his drinking.... but because I just can't handle it. Hes fine with that and wants to go AF in January. He still has a work function Thursday, Friday and Saturday. He is under a ton of pressure too and said he just doesn't feel up for the 3rd degree and just wants to get though it and then say.. new years resolution stuff. He can do that just fine.. he probably will drink too much when it's all said and done but nothing like what I did last night. So I understand that and it makes since to me. He is more of a set a time and date type of person. I am really glad I am getting out of these birthday parties coming up. 3 year old parties are flippin chaos. And my kid actually gets along and plays nice with others. I have monkey mind! I can't wait to feel healthy again and do yoga. Meditation... it's like all this stuff I'm typing has built up and I need it out of me.

Choices
December 8th, 2015, 10:26 PM
Thank you Cowboy... it is hard to think of my good qualities. I feel like a fake. but I'll try.

I'm nice to people
I'm helpful
I'm a good cook
I am giving
I'm talented
I'm strong
I'm a good mom, wife

abcowboy
December 8th, 2015, 10:35 PM
There you go! Now build on those qualities and keep adding to the list. You are a good person who deserves all the things you want. They are there for you, you just have to reach for them and do what's necessary to get them...

treetops
December 8th, 2015, 11:52 PM
Glad to see that you and hubs have had a talk. Think about also getting some face to face specialist support - as I mentioned. You are vulnerable and you need as many support systems as you can get. We can give you a heap of support on MWO but I think other options might really help here.
I hope you have a restful evening and dont agonize about what happened. Really try to reduce your social commitments - at this time of the year it can get out of hand. Much of it isn't really necessary and when you feel stronger you might be able to pick up your social life a bit. But I wouldn't worry about it at the moment. If you were sick with a virus or something - it wouldn't be an issue to back out of many expectations that others have. This is no different. You are still there for your daughter and your husband and thats important.

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 12:27 AM
Thank you TT. I agree that I need some face to face support and thank you for the pm on where to go. My head was/is too jumbled so I'll have to re-read when I get myself together. Yes, that's me done for the rest of December. I am just too sick. A while ago I booked a batch that is sorta close to where my in-laws live for the 23-27. I didn't want the stress of staying at their house where my daughter and I both struggle to sleep.. and my mother and law and sister in law are very strong alpha heartland women. They can be quite bossy and opinionated. So I just booked and told hubs after... he normally works X-mas eve and boxing day... so I said we could take two cars and he can come up when he is able. But he decided to take time off... which is kinda surprising... but good too I hope. Maybe two cars still is a good idea.. he just doesn't quite understand how stressed out I can get there... and gets mad at me for it. But that's been getting better as he is realizing they stress him out too.. and doesn't like the rift him and I can get into. Life can sure be a battle ground for me at times. Just trying to feel okay inside when I don't like whats going on outside. And I'm unsure how to stop it.. so I work around it, I guess. I know that being sober has really helped in that area. Even in the way I want to raise my daughter. I'm a lot more confident in my views.

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 12:38 AM
So, I've also checked out the 3 principles thread that was suggested... Um... I'm thinking my many posts today kinda are a perfect example of the opposite of that! I can see how this maybe a good way to help me cope. It all makes since, (from what I've scene or read so far) for me it would be a madder of really practicing it and not forgetting to do that. I do get stuck in my thoughts and they almost become a broken record. Its so annoying. But part of me feels like I need to stay stuck. It's bad programming and punishment from my well meaning parents. My mother has actually said and still does say... you have to feel bad to change it. This can be true, but I like the concept of feeling good to change. I think it will be less painful. I've also listened to The Untethered Soul... and reading Radical Acceptance. Which are both amazing. Especially Radical Acceptance for me. Thanks for the support today.. I am beginning to feel slightly better.

starty
December 9th, 2015, 12:46 AM
Hi Choices. I am glad you are back in the game once more. Well done!!

The 3 ps I am sure will help. It is more of a realisation rather than something you need to practice. Take the pressure off yourself and simply read, watch you tube clips and relax. That is all you really need to do. You don't need to add another thing to worry about in your already pressured life.

NoSugar
December 9th, 2015, 07:30 AM
Hi, Choices.
I'm glad your getting the poison out of your system and feeling better. It really is a poison and if it weren't already legal, there is no way alcohol would get approved for sale today. It is bad for everyone, not only those of us that are addicted.

The cool thing about the principles is that once you read, watch, and discuss enough to start "getting it", there is nothing to practice - it is just how we naturally operate! Many of the videos are quite short and clear. I'm so glad you're willing to look into the topic. Understanding that those horrid thought/worry loops are not at all real and are under my control (they really are!) has been so liberating.

Like TT said, if you had a virus, you'd slow down and not expose others. No one is going to catch this but for us, it's worse than a virus and you need to take the best care of yourself you can.

Could you, your husband, and daughter have your own Christmas at home this year?

:hug:

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 01:49 PM
Thanks NS and Starty,
The Bach (cabin) will be much more relaxing then staying at home and it's my attempt at protecting myself so we'll see how it goes. (I've also already put a no refundable deposit on it). I would avoid going to my in laws for Christmas If I could... But this one day I can't get out of. I would hurt too many feelings and it would mean a stressful fight with hubs. Hopefully cancelling everything under the sun before Christmas will help. We are meant to be at my daughters kids club (daycare at the gym) party today and I am so happy we are not going. It's the last week for that as it will shut down for a month for school holidays. I won't be able to go to the gym... Which helps me... But it will be nice not to have to be somewhere at a specific time.

daisy45
December 9th, 2015, 01:55 PM
Glad to hear you are feeling more optimistic Choices. Accepting that you need to put yourself first! This will benefit yourself and those around you in time to come......nice and gently does it.

NoSugar
December 9th, 2015, 02:27 PM
Choices,

It seems odd to me that there are so many activities for 3 year olds. Most children that age just like to be with their (content, calm) parents.

Our kids needed quite a bit of "down" time. There was a lot of pressure to enroll them in all sorts of enriching or fun activities, lessons, and sports, but thank goodness we listened to what they wanted and everything turned out alright.

Your daughter may be too young to express herself about all of this but in terms of all these parties, would she even know what she is missing? If she could choose, I bet time with loving parents would be her choice everytime.

I'd just encourage you not to involve your daughter in things because others expect you to and make you feel like it is what you "should" do to be a good parent and provider. Listen to your heart and gut everytime. xx, NS

treetops
December 9th, 2015, 02:33 PM
I hope you are feeling better today Choices. We are also hiring a bach for Christmas and thats partly to avoid the need to deal with big family gatherings, lots of driving around and me doing lots of work on Christmas Day. But We did the big thing last year and it was fine (but drawn out and exhausting) - partly because we did not stay 'on site' where all the festivities were. Children of course dont like to miss out - but sometimes I think the parents expectations are really what sets the agenda. I have heard quite a few adults complain about big children's parties lately - maybe its time to scale back. (I just see that I echo what NS posted). Kids really do enjoy down time and the little things.


Anyway I hope you practise lots of self care today as this is serious and you need to heal.

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 07:23 PM
It's not normally like this. Every one of daughters friends I met while pregnant so they are all born this month or last month. And she just goes to Montessori 3 days and kids club so I can work out. Everything else is downtime. We are at home a lot. She does do swimming but we all love that.

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 08:24 PM
I think the problem was, is that I started drinking again. Most of these activities are manageable and easy to back out of. I didn't really have friends or know anyone before my daughter was born. When I was pregnant I met some awesome women and formed support groups. This was really critical when I had baby because I suffered terrible post natal depression. And to be honest, a lot of the activities I did were so I could be around other mothers who had babies the same age. These things only met once a week (coffee groups and in a church). I think all of my mum friends are feeling similar now that our kids are hitting 3 years. It's too much. I've cancelled so many this season, and I feel just fine doing it. And didn't mind cancellations for our party.. Etc. I think what got on top of me was being newly sober and navigating all of this. Also, each stage with these kids is wonderful but eye opening how crazy this age can be. What use to work doesn't etc. Also my daughter just started at this Montessori and I'm finding it to be quite full on for the parents. I'm use to daycare where I told them what I wanted.. This is the other way around. I feel like I'm in school kinda... It's a transition for me. I'm seeing that I'll need to say no a lot more in this situation. But I'm still in that desire to fit in with the mums at the new school. My daughter technically doesn't need to go to school. But to be honest.. I am a stay at home mom and I actually need breaks from being at home with a baby/toddler. The gym is the same for me. I need to burn off steam and have me time to take a shower without a door open. The swimming has always been fun we go together as a family and it's great. Also we live by the beach and our neighbours have a pool.. I just want her to be able to swim for safety reasons.

Choices
December 9th, 2015, 08:31 PM
I already know I'm not having a party next year. At least not one to the scale we did. And I am really thinking about if this Montesorri is a good fit for me. It seams there is an obligation... Every week for me. We could stop going to kids club, give it a try and see how we go... It's good advice NS and TT.

treetops
December 10th, 2015, 12:57 AM
Glad you are on the mend. Dont worry about next year and whether or not you will have a party etc. Things will be winding down with preschool soon and you can reassess in the new year. Now is the time to concentrate on your health and wellbeing. I can see that its important that you connect with the other Mums and that sounds like it was a good strategy esp after the PN depression. Those connections are positive so keep them there but just take a back seat at the moment. Enjoy the lovely spot you live in and the weather. It sounds like yoga also is good for you -and even if you can't schedule a class, i am sure you can do some at home. Hope the evening goes well.

Choices
December 10th, 2015, 02:08 AM
Thanks TT. I feel 100 times better then I did yesterday. I think I was having a melt down/ breakdown type of thing leading up to my breaking my sobriety and the compounded my problem by drinking and when going through withdraw just racing with my thoughts. I keep a lot pinned up. I was thinking of doing some yoga at home. I love yoga. I've been doing little utube ones with my daughter she loves it and has her own mat. It's pretty fun, I think I can at least do the sun salutation each day. It doesn't take long. Thanks for all your support. Today was good. Might sound strange but I did a ton of ironing. It felt really peaceful to me and I got the linen closet looking incredible. My daughter helped with the folding. She loves folding. The evening is going well. Hubs is in a good mood playing with daughter and we are watching cricket. Daughter didn't have a nap today thank heavens, so she should nod of earlier.. Not sure if this tickling her dad is doing will help... But it feels good to see them smiling and me not in physical pain anymore. Tomorrow daughter is at school. I have some running around to do but trying to do the bare minimum and all close to home. I've sent my apologies for Birthday party Saturday. Hubs is at a work function tomorrow night and I'm excited to watch chick flicks. He can't get out of this party his boss is having for her partner who is turning 50 on Saturday.., which kinda stinks.. Because he will be home late and be really tired Sunday. We'll have Saturday morning swimming together so that will be fun...

treetops
December 10th, 2015, 02:17 AM
What a lovely post Choices. Your daughter sounds so sweet - long may it last! Just let hubs go to the parties and you make sure you have some treats at home for yourself. It will be so worth it.

lifechange
December 10th, 2015, 02:21 AM
hi Choices!
I'm so glad to see that you're feeling better, not so down on yourself. It's great that you're writing it all down, figuring out what happened and what led up to your drinking.. and how to avoid making too much/deal with the existing stresses of life better so that it doesn't all get to such a breaking point. December birthdays are hard! We have a late November and 2 in December and, especially with kids b-days, it's a lot of extra work, isn't it? I'm dealing with that tomorrow and this weekend.. though it's getting easier as they get older! Sounds like a lovely day yesterday with yoga and ironing with your daughter! Ironing can be such a calming task.. so nice that the little one likes to join you.
I'm wishing you a wonderful day.. which chick flicks do you have lined up? Bliss! An evening alone with good films and popcorn.. my dream date!!:happy2:

Choices
December 10th, 2015, 03:04 AM
My daughter is really a sweet heart. I think when it comes to parenting it's more figuring myself out. And how to cope, handle things, handle myself.. She actually is very rarely the problem. I was this way before I had her. I could freak out and crash over things building up. I think I have gone to lots of extremes in my life. Like complete isolation just longing for friendships, to over social. I definitely need good people around me and have good friends but sometimes I get overwhelmed and desire to be completely alone. This is how I am when I paint. When I'm working no one can be in the house. I kick hubs and daughter out to stay at the In laws. The only person I can talk to is my mom and a few close artist friends that I trust ... Mainly for advice on product, technique and when I get overwhelmed and stuck.. I completely absorb myself.. And the house. This is usually as a lead up to a show... Then it's the same pressure of performance at the opening. I get overwhelmed and my mind races. Doing the Thanksgiving talk kinda set me off too. My daughter and little family is overwhelming. But also gives me a ton of purpose in life. And I am so much better then I was alone and single. Both of them inspire me to be healthy..

Choices
December 10th, 2015, 03:49 AM
I just had a massive bowl of ice cream. It was heavenly. I asked hubs to pick up dinner tonight and had wonton soup,, it definitely helps not to be trying to worry about food right now. Both hubs and daughter are asleep.. So, ML I have time to think about my chick flicks. I'm thinking maybe a Christmas theme to start,, with Its a Wonderful Life, then Breakfast at Tiffany's and then Rosemarry's Baby.. By that time bubby will be asleep if I'm lucky. Or if something really cheesy speaks to me on netflex then do that. My husband and I have been watching Narcos and I fell asleep last night but told him to just keep watching.. So I'm about 3 episodes behind. I'll probably watch that tonight though.. I'm so thankful I'm feeling better. I also like the idea of having treats while hubs is going to parties. And I am really relieved a babysitter never got back to me about Saturday night. I guess if she does I'll take myself out to a move Saturday night. I really like going to the cinema by myself. I need to think about the treats for bubs and I.

Choices
December 10th, 2015, 05:13 AM
Overwhelmed seams to be a word I'm using a lot. I'm pretty sure that is why I love yoga and working out. I need that physical activity to calm my mind and if necessary exhaust myself. I don't like being overwhelmed. It might be a good idea to work out how to handle it when I feel it's happening to be pro active at stopping how acute it can get. All I can come up with is deep breathing, meditation, I do hypnosis, yoga, exercise ... These are things I didn't make time for the week leading up to my slip. It was only a slip, I am back now. Thoughts did come in around dinner time but passed quickly. Luckily cooking doesn't trigger me at all anymore. Even if there is a tantrum during the witching hour. That mum camp retreat really helped with that. It's amazing how much more confident I feel as a mother when I apply what I learned there. I guess my biggest mistake was not making time for me that week. I didn't even make time to post. I did spend heaps of time in the garden.., which I loved.. But it was kinda like painting .... And I got a little obsessed.. Throwing in the sun salutation would have helped.

kuya
December 10th, 2015, 06:05 AM
Choices I used to find it very helpful to take some glutamine during that hour or so before dinner.
As your blood sugar drops AND you become tired AND the kids are annoying AND you are coping alone..you are at your MOST vulnerable.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

The four horsemen of the alcoholic will ride into town.

Glutamine is an amino acid that the brain utilises directly as energy, it works on everything except lonely.
If you have glutamine, take it. If you haven't got any, get some!

Choices
December 10th, 2015, 01:48 PM
Thanks kuda, I will get some today. I bought some to take before I quit and took it everyday. I didn't notice much of an affect but, I wasn't trying very hard to quit either. I am really familiar with HALT. I knew it was happening to me at the time. If glutamine could have helped me at that moment I am all for it! I'll just start taking it daily again and keep some in my purse. Because I'm really wanting to stay quit this time I won't work against what could have helped me in the past. Thank you for the suggestion.

Choices
December 12th, 2015, 07:27 PM
This helped me heaps from the nest today, helps my chin to go up.


Hi Nesters,

I haven't been posting here much this last couple weeks. It seems you guys do such a good job supporting each other.

Sorry to read about your mum Overit, my condolences.

One realisation that made (makes) a huge difference to my life is that I am NOT an alcoholic with a life to manage but a NORMAL human being with a problem with alcohol.

I have no issue with the word but the effect on people by defining themselves as the problem can be huge.

If an 'alcoholic' relapses they have 'failed'....it is huge , they can feel devastated and worthless.

If a normal person with an alcohol problem drinks it is serious, but does not devastate.

I quit smoking 8months ago. I smoked for 44 years, 2 packs a day.

It was my primary addiction and it was harder than quitting drinking, which was very hard but smoking was truly a nightmare.

Smoking was doing just as much harm to me and my life health wise and financially.(? More)

No one would have referred to me as a SMOKEAHOLIC though.

I am overweight....but I am not a FOODAHOLIC either.

I am a human being with problems I solve in the best way I can, whilst giving and getting the support of other human beings.

I am NOT my addictions. And neither are any of you.

Hm.. I didn't get the quote thing right again... it was Kuya who said it.

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 08:19 PM
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc2/loricameron/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2893.jpg (http://s217.photobucket.com/user/loricameron/media/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2893.jpg.html)

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 08:37 PM
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc2/loricameron/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2894.jpg (http://s217.photobucket.com/user/loricameron/media/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2894.jpg.html)

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 10:03 PM
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc2/loricameron/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2884.jpg (http://s217.photobucket.com/user/loricameron/media/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2884.jpg.html)

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 11:22 PM
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc2/loricameron/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2886.jpg (http://s217.photobucket.com/user/loricameron/media/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2886.jpg.html)

ItsJustMe
December 14th, 2015, 07:44 AM
Beautiful pics! That has to be more than your standard camera phone. I really like the macro detail. Do you ever get winter there or is it like that year-round? Oh, and before I forget, happy day 5!!!(or is it day 6 for you..... I can't keep this +16 hours thing straight!). I think when I roll out of bed at 6:15am on Monday, it's 12:15am Tuesday for you.... That makes my head hurt to think about it... :-) Anyway, have an awesome AF day!

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 01:32 PM
Haha, I know! It's a pretty big time difference! Day 5 is feeling good like I'm getting some footing. I am drinking a lot of coffee. But I'm not going to worry about that. I think it's probably helping my mood to be fair! Yeah, when I was all bummed out, hubs asked if I wanted to go to the botanical gardens on Sunday because he knows I love it there. So I dusted off my SLR. I haven't touched it since I got an iPhone around April. So it felt great. And thanks to you IJM I am organizing all of my photos and uploading them onto photobucket. I did have an account but hadn't touched it or looked at it in almost 7 years. It was great to see some old photos I'd forgotten about! Some were from a lot of parting.. But nothing made me wish I could drink.. Just good memories of my early 30's. Funny, I thought I was old then! I look so young.

Auckland definitely has four seasons, but not sever by any means. Winter is just really rainy. And cold, but no snow or ice. What makes it cold is there's no heating in the houses or buildings. Except for heat pumps really.

Eloise
December 14th, 2015, 06:32 PM
The old me would have definitely gotten drunk tonight.
The new me just cried, realized I cant feel like this forever, and tried to distract myself.
It is amazing how I can torment myself.

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 06:38 PM
Day 5
Really tired. Doing okay but feeling overwhelmed easily. So taking it very, very easy. There is nothing that needs to be done. Nothing pressing. Except me being calm. This is the part that I regret about breaking my AF journey last week. I am back at square one. I'm not in a place where this makes me feel sad, or mad at myself.. It's more just noticing that I feel a little depressed, physically yucky, mentally not as strong. It is all in my head.. and as I know, will pass. But this is why it's not really great to stop and start. Alright! Enough of that for now. I'm just writing about it to be posting. I am not feeling hard on myself. I am looking forward to day 7. 30, 90, and beyond. It actually is challenging to slow down a bit. I cancelled so many things that I'm a little amazed at what a good decision that was. Hubs thinks it's a good idea to just get out of the city for the weekend. He's had it up to his ears with his own work functions and parties as well. So we are out! Reservation made. I am really happy about this. He arranged for us to take a train ride in the morning with our daughter which will be really fun too. Yep, so all good.. just building strength again. And no thoughts of self inflicting pain (aka drinking for me). I was thinking it shouldn't be called liquid courage. It's really liquid weakness for me.. I just fall apart on that stuff. But I'm strong, stronger then it's pull. I'm lucky, I love my life, and know how to get there with sobriety. This is just one of those focused times. I'm up for it. Because it's worth it.

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 06:40 PM
Hi E,
I think I cross posted with you! It is amazing the torment. Crying helps a lot. I'm sorry your sad. I feel for you. It's good to know it won't last forever.. but when your in the middle of it seams like forever is a long way off. hugs. Is your avatar a drawing of yours?

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 08:21 PM
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc2/loricameron/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2904.jpg (http://s217.photobucket.com/user/loricameron/media/botanic%20gardens/IMG_2904.jpg.html)

ItsJustMe
December 14th, 2015, 10:45 PM
ALMOST DAY 7!!!!!!! You gotta be patting yourself on the back at this point. Getting away from it all is an awesome idea. I really wish I could do that – but this is the busiest time of the year for us. I was scheduled to be off this week but things changed – so I will be giving 40 hours of time off back to the company. But I’m making up for it. In the late spring Mrs. IJM and I have a big trip planned.

I hope you really have a blast on your trip! Be sure to post some pics here or on your FB page.

Take care,
IJM

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 10:54 PM
Trying to pat myself on the back and not look at where I would be if I hadn't done what I did.. Yes, I'll just go with the positive I'm tired of feeling like stink. Sorry you have to out in the hours. My hubs is the same right now with that. Too much! It's good to have the things to look forward to. I can't think of anything much better then travel! Ending day 5 at 5 pm.. The thought of a glass of anything kinda makes me ill. I am drinking coffee though. I haven't drank this much then when my baby was born. And I'm eating a fair bit of ice cream... I'll probably put back on the weight I lost during my month AF but just going with the whatever it takes at the moment. It's hard to slow myself down on the I want to be healthy front. But I'm looking at this as an injury at the moment.... A set back.. Nothing more. I'm still moving forward.

daisy45
December 15th, 2015, 06:18 AM
I am with you on the coffee and eating front Choices.....but you and I both know that, given time that will straighten itself out. If we need to eat our way through at times then that is ok.
I never had a sweet tooth, yet I have eaten more chocolate this past week.....back to the exercise!

Choices
December 15th, 2015, 06:44 AM
Thanks Daisy,

I actually am letting myself do that because of your advice Daisy. And how you explained how you road out your craving on your thread. That you did everything even cried. It seamed so strong to me, I thought I can do that. I try and keep this I'm okay front. But if I'm not, then I need to do whatever it takes. I wasn't expecting that to happen. I thought it would just go like my first time with sobriety. I started and didn't look back for years. It was not easy! And I did do exactly what you said.. anything, everything. I think this go around being a parent.. I just had that stiff upper lip thing going on.. but I think my daughter would love to have ice cream at any point in the day or night.. so I could always downshift there if need be. I can throw away my to do list for the day and just play with her. We can just get McDonalds and I don't have to worry if I lost a voucher, sent an RSVP. All these things will get done.. or not... the roof isn't going to cave in... unless.. I forget the number one thing on the list. ....Don't Drink......I don't need to appear okay to my daughter I need to be okay. If I do that anything is possible. Just not all at once. I'm with you on this, those things will even out in time.. now it's just a eyes on the prize kind of thing.

And a learning experience. I'm being my own (nice, kind, loving) parent at the moment... and see myself as a kid trying to do to much.. needing the parent side of me to step in and tell myself to slow down! don't run to fast! Watch the pavement! You've got it! You can do this! Your running so well! (This is all because of the parenting books etc.. my love of information on raising children.. at the moment) just applying it to me because I'm learning, falling, figuring it out) And this is how I talk with my 3 year old.. all day long. I am so happy to wake up on day 6 tomorrow. I'm grateful to be feeling better.

And very thankful to coffee, ice cream, chocolate. I am going to the gym tomorrow.. but I am not stepping on a scale. And I'm lowering my weights.

abcowboy
December 15th, 2015, 08:33 AM
Hey ladies, nice to see you sticking with your last quits! Being positive and grateful is such a big part of staying sober. In my first few months I was going at the ice cream and chocolate bars like a wild man lol. Bubba substituted the ice cream with flavoured frozen yogurt (can't tell the difference) and the chocolate with trail mix or peanuts, pistachios, and almonds. All I needed was to be eating something sweet, might as well do it as healthy as you can! :hug:

Choices
December 15th, 2015, 03:06 PM
Ok this is kind of cool. I miss calculated... I am day 7.. One week AF... I think I didn't count my first day because it was a hangover and the dates are different on the forum because I'm a day ahead being in New Zealand. I only noticed because of what we normally do on Wednesday.. No big deal.. But I yeah.. I'm a week now and counting the hangover day. Especially because it was the hardest. I know non of this really matters.. But at this stage .. I'll take a victory where I can get it.

Choices
December 15th, 2015, 09:49 PM
Hanging in there today.. nothing is really too bad. My daughter is doing normal 3 year old testing stuff that I'm not in the mood for .. but that is normal. I went to the gym but just dropped her off and window shopped. I'm really glad I'm done with my shopping.. Of course.. because I'm done.. I have time to buy more.. always kind of a little trap.. But I bought my girl some Christmas books. I really enjoy children's stories. My mother use to bring out these special Christmas books at Christmas time and read them to my sister and I. I just loved it. So I've been starting a collection for my daughter. It's as much for me as her really.

And I'm really angry at my sister at the moment. My mother moved out to be close to her because she has two kids one with autisum and really needed my moms help. My mother was going through a divorice from her second husband and it kind of fell into place I guess.. But I know my mother is very lonely and sad. And isn't very happy how things have ended up for herself. Anyway.. My mom spent Thanksgiving alone because my sister went to the beach with her in laws and they didn't even invite her.. so she took care of their dogs.. and then I just found out they are leaving her alone at Christmas too.. flying out to see my Dad. And again, my mother is taking care of all of their animals.. (Which of course she would do but this just stinks to think she is still helping in someway!) I think my sister could have spent one of these major holidays with my mom? ,,, Especially since my mom is a bit depressed and constantly babysitting, even if she is really tired and not up for it... UG! nothing I can do this far away..


I'd bought my mom some perfume a while ago, because she use to always send my grandmother that and I know she is watching her money and probably not buying herself much. But a week ago.. when I went to send it.. learned that you can't mail perfume.. So, I frantically ran and got her some really warm merino socks.. (She was complaining how her feet were cold.. and loves socks) I had to send them just after the deadline.. So I'm not sure she will even get them... And when I found this out about her being alone (yesterday) I cringed at her not getting anything.. and if she did.. all it would be was just socks? How depressing!

So I feel really good about what I did. I found a flower shop online and ordered her a huge bouquet of flowers with pine cones, a huge basket full of fruit and goodies, crackers, cheese.. the works... and chocolate. My mother hasn't been cooking much for herself.. and eating cereal most meals.. I know she will love this. I sent it to arrive the 22nd so that she is feeling loved before Christmas.. I was going to add a bottle of wine.. but just didn't because I'm not allowed to buy alcohol.. (my own rule from now on). She's not a big drinker anyway.. So I'm feeling quite in the spirit. It cost a pretty penny, but she deserves it.

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 12:03 AM
Ok?..Massive craving wave. I'm posting, I just took lglut.. Had something to eat. Called hubs to pick up fish and chips as this wave hit in the kitchen once I started to think about getting dinner ready. My kid is driving me nuts... Ok.. Typing is helping. I don't have alcohol in the house, not getting in a car, my girl is downstairs crying that she wants to come upstairs but I need to post and she will grab this iPad.. Ug she is hitting a high pitch... I better go. I am going nuts. My head hurts, I feel sick, I've got tunnel vision and dizzy. I tried taking my shoes off and walk in the grass.. Parenting tip when your kids are driving you crazy nothing is working. I want to be alone and sleep.. She is really crying.. I need to stop posting. I'll check in when this passes. I will not drink.

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 12:38 AM
Okay, the craving is still there.. Strong, and I'm highly irritable. Just talked w hubs he should be home in 20 min and even though the weather is a bit windy we r going to the beach to have fish and chips there. I said I needed out of the house that little choices was driving me nuts and I needed wine. I said it joking.. Even though I wasn't. Poor little choices was crying so hard and said she was tired. I surely believe that! She is exhausted but if I let her nap I'm up with her until midnight. Did I mention I made myself a huge ice coffee with sugar and whole milk? This seams to be helping. And now she is sitting on my lap on the recliner watching Dora the explorer. I can not stand the sound of this but it's better then crying.. And it feels good to be cuddling her. My iPad has a big Christmas tree glued with glitter glue on the back.. I can't get the glue off.,, my husband cooked something in the microwave that looks like 4 burritos exploded.. - and there is cottage cheese showed in the crack of my couch. Thank goodness it is leather. So I can clean it out. Pretty first world problems! But really putting me in a foul mood. Also.. My daughter played with a sharpie after her bath.. And it is all over her face, arms legs and tummy... The Christmas concert is tomorrow.. Not sure if it will be faded enough by then.. It will be funny... Ok that will be pretty funny.. Just posting trying to just hear the door open. There is nothing in the house.. This coffee seams to be helping. This craving is a physical one more then mental. I was always a drunk once a week person for years. If I was sober for two I considered myself good. Ok.. Daughter is getting pissed off at me on the iPad

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 12:49 AM
And hubs is home! Baby is up with him while he gets ready to go to the beach she sounds happy he does too... And the best thing is I could turn off that f'n cartoon! I'm going to make it. F$&@ that was tough.. I'm not sure how long that lasted. Thank heavens no work function tonight! Next one he has is a week fro tomorrow..before we leave for the holiday to go to the batch.. I better make sure I have ice cream in the house and order a pizza.

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 05:12 AM
Posting, posting.. I'm a little scared to surrender to sleep tonight. I'm not craving at all now. But it gave me a scare. I didn't like feeling so edgy.. That might be a normal feeling though for me that I've just been avoiding by drinking in the afternoon after a day of parenting. I was sober my daughters first year and I would get edgy like that. It might just be something I need to accept. And it passes too. I'm a very emotional person. And different ones come in so strong.. I get overwhelmed, ungrounded. I use to carry a stone in my pocket for this.. Maybe I should do that again... It was just something I could feel if I was uncomfortable.

Mike!
December 16th, 2015, 06:56 AM
I hope you've made it through the night without a drink, that's a big step. You're bound to feel edgy, just keep chipping away at the need to drink when you can x

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 01:55 PM
Thanks mike. I made it through. Now just getting ready for my daughters Christmas concert. Which would be torture if I was hungover. Hope your well today.

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 06:53 PM
I'm feeling really tired today.. but so glad I got through last night. I didn't feel like I was going to drink but I was very uncomfortable. My daughters Christmas concert was SO cute. I didn't feel social at all... I did my fare share of talking with parents but I felt pretty shy. I've just got a lot going on in my head.. Shy isn't bad. I don't think anyone cares anyway. And I was glad I bought something store bought for the shared plate.. I'd wanted to make something, but ran out of time and in my state last night.. couldn't handle the pressure. I used my camera that I fished out last week and did a video of the whole thing.. I really am enjoying being behind a camera.. Might ask for a small camcorder for Christmas.. as I have no idea what I want.. Might be really fun to start making small movies.

treetops
December 16th, 2015, 06:59 PM
Hi Choices and glad you made it through. You can do this. I have to get my Christmas stuff organised and our travel.

Choices
December 16th, 2015, 07:08 PM
Good luck getting your Christmas stuff done TT and your travel. xx

ItsJustMe
December 17th, 2015, 07:22 AM
Choice – That is really cool that you were able to go, be sociable, and do it on your own (No AL). I mentally put myself in that situation and it really feels uncomfortable. At the very least, I wouldn’t be sociable. Case in point – my youngest is a senior and plays HS football. I can count on two fingers the number of parents I talked to at games or other football events. It’s not that I am unfriendly, I am terrible at making small talk and afraid I am going to say the wrong thing. I think that is why I am pretty good at doing speeches and presentations – I know what I am going to be saying.

But anyway, I know that was a big step for you and I am really happy that you did it; and on your own!!!

Have an awesome day. This has to be day 8 or 9 for you (freaking time zones….. Makes me think too hard)

Choices
December 20th, 2015, 03:01 AM
Thanks IJM,

How have you been? Hope all is well with you! I haven't been posting as much as I was but still going. This sure isn't the easiest time of year to quit.. but I'm glad I can count on not over doing it and making a fool out of myself.

Choices
March 17th, 2016, 04:14 PM
Alright time to journal again so that I can keep track of where I am and don't just say F--- it. My goal is to go one day at a time for a week because I know this week is going to be a test. And I am not going to throw away all my hard work and start over!!! So I'm just going to keep typing here and get through this. Getting my daughter ready for school was tough because I couldn't find anything.. ie... shoes... we were out of bread.. all the simple but critical stuff to get out the door and have her ready. I found myself beating myself up? And had to remind myself that I had escaped a pretty tricky fall off the wagon situation the past few days.. and especially last night. I kept reminding myself... your doing your best... ease up!!! I'm relieved I did not drink last night. Thankful to all that happens here in MWO and grateful it exists. I'm strong but fragile in my sobriety... which I guess makes since. Over the past month I haven't checked in as much as I haven't been thinking about alcohol at all really and when I do check in.. I think about it.. It didn't feel healthy.. for me...and I found myself getting depressed so kept my head up and just looked forward to the things that are helping me right now. Yoga, paddle boarding, my new course, my daughter, keeping a clean house, food cooked for diner... enjoying friends.. etc... I've been writing about my father here in MWO since I came here the first time.. and needless to say... I become very vunerable to drinking when I have too much to do with him... That's all I'm going to write..about that. I literally feel like I need to keep grabbing for the life saving devise at the moment because if I don't I fear I will drown. One of the things my yoga teacher talks about is mental strength.. How we can remain strong mentally during tough times and not shake.. I like this so I am going to do some deep breathing after I type.. and not put too much pressure on myself today. I'm going to honor that this is really hard for me at the moment. and not just brush it aside.

NoSugar
March 17th, 2016, 04:38 PM
Is whatever your dad did that upsets you still happening, Choices? If it isn't, you don't have to keep replaying it in your head. If it is, maybe you need to reset your boundaries with him. You shouldn't have to feel threatened.

I'm glad you're posting and taking care of yourself. Love, NS

lex
March 17th, 2016, 05:48 PM
choices- you have a great attitude! You said just what I needed to hear. Thanks!

Rusty
March 17th, 2016, 06:51 PM
Choices-you don't know me, but Hi, I'm Rusty, and I've been sober almost 4 years...and I was just lurking on this thread when I saw the post about your father and I hope you won't mind if I just pop in and weigh in on this:
I've been writing about my father here in MWO since I came here the first time.. and needless to say... I become very vunerable to drinking when I have too much to do with him... That's all I'm going to write..about that. I literally feel like I need to keep grabbing for the life saving devise at the moment because if I don't I fear I will drown. For several years, I was associated with a much older man (who had been my best friend's partner for 30 + years) who had a big heart in most ways and was a total piece of trash in others. He reminded me of my own father, because he was my father's age...except this guy was a lecherous snake who treated my best friend terribly. I cut him out of my life completely several years after my best friend died because he was a HUGE trigger for my drinking. I set boundaries with him that he broke every time, having no respect for my time at all. Cutting him out of my thoughts and not giving him my time made staying sober SO much easier. NoSugar's comments about the boundaries are right on. I admire your strength...and absolutely, vent away!!

Choices
March 17th, 2016, 07:39 PM
Thanks NS, Rusty and lex.

I don't see my father very much. I live very far away from where he lives. Yes, it's still going on. I am not comfortable talking to him about any of it. I've tried before and it is to scary. We've been to therapy together, to work it out.. nothing works. Except for me to keep working at not letting what he does bother me. When I tell people what is happening they can't believe how weird he is with me. My husband is so angry with how he is. I was thinking maybe I can lie and have food poising for this bbq. Something is really wrong with me. How my father attacks is so very quiet. so it feels like it's all in my head. Maybe it is? Only I don't think it is.. I feel so unstable.

treetops
March 17th, 2016, 08:05 PM
Hang on in there . if it's so bad why not pull out of the BBQ. Say you are sick. Protect yourself. And if you do pull out don't feel guilty. At least you have dinner sorted out for tonight!

Choices
March 17th, 2016, 10:32 PM
Thanks TT, yes, tonight is sorted and in the works. I may just pull a sickie. The thing is he is 73 not in the best health or worst.. I just don't want to regret not seeing him down the road. But I have time to decide this. Just aw my paddle buddy at pick up and told her about my problem briefly.. Not the alcohol problem, all she knows is I don't drink. But the family one. She's got some family problems of her own, as we all do, and double checked if I still wanted to go for a paddle Sunday before the bbq. I said definitely so I could have fun and be in a good mood for whatever comes my way. It's impossible to be upset on the water.. I'll loose focus and fall in if I don't pay attention. And if I fall in its a nice cold attitude adjustment. I can just look forward to my course tomorrow and paddle boarding Sunday... There will be so much to learn tomorrow.. I will snap out of this. During it and it's a reminder not to drink tonight no madder what because I would be so disappointed if I missed the class.

Choices
March 22nd, 2016, 06:35 AM
Falling off... I would say I'm not sure why I'm doing this but I am pretty sure. I am drinking. Because I'm in pain. I do this. yes I want to stop. But I'm not sure tonight.. this wine is helping me with emotional pain. I don't want to black out and make a mistake with my husband.. but yes for right now it is helping. Also, we had a fight tonight. I thought he was a jerk. sometimes he is.. sometimes I am ... I'm overwhelmed.

Guitarista
March 22nd, 2016, 06:38 AM
Choices. Can you try to limit any more potential damage by stopping, and grabbing a cup of water and calling it a night?

Choices
March 22nd, 2016, 07:38 AM
Thanks G-man I have done just that. I actually wanted more but my body was not having it. I dumped the rest down the drain. This is new. I usually would have poured the rest of my glass into the bottle and saved it. So all up I found a beer hidden in the fridge. And 2 huge glasses of wine. I don't feel great.. but I don't feel too bad. Not blacked out. But I'll see what I wrote tomorrow to make sure. I'm in bed with a huge glass of water. that has lemon in it.

Choices
July 6th, 2016, 11:44 PM
I am going to attempt to try this again. I've been away... Been drinking, and it's not working out. Today I am as hungover as I was in October when I came back to MWO. I don't even want to go into the unsafe amount I had last night. I don't feel scared or overall depressed...I guess I wouldn't say I feel as doomed. I'm just really concerned physically about what I somehow seam to do after months of drinking... Not always too much.. But too much overall. And I'm tired of feeling like crap.. Really over it. I am going for two weeks because I know I can do that.

Choices
July 13th, 2016, 04:21 AM
Wow, I do not have Al in the house and my girl is sleeping so no way of leaving to get some, but if I did.. I probably would cave. In saying that I'm not giving myself a lot of credit.. But I'm wanting to write something down to either take my mind off of it and find some peace. I know I can make it two weeks. I don't know if I can make it past that, or if I want to. I know I should, but ahhh! I don't know if I need to freak out.. I said two weeks so thats what it is and I really do not have to think about it until then. So I will stop. I think what I have is monkey mind! Whatever that is. It would probably be good to do some yoga and meditate. If I wasn't so tired I would... I've also started trying to go to church. I wasn't raised religious. But I did find some real peace there. My last hangover I just kept praying and praying I wouldn't have to take myself to the hospital and that I could get through the day. I prayed I wouldn't feel so ill. I prayed for my organs. I promised I wouldn't drink again if I could just get through that day. Last night and tonight I prayed that I would stop thinking about drinking for strength. All I can say is it helped and there was peace in it. I actually do not know how I feel numb? About trying to quit. I'd love to have the vigor I have had in the past.. but because I find myself here again.. i just need to feel calm and steady. I am really thankful I don't hate myself like I have in the past.. during this part of the process. That has to be progress. I'm typing to type. I'm not struggling as I have in the past.. there is nothing here to trip me up, and I did that. I made sure of that. We were out and about and even at a mall where I could have easily picked something up. But I didn't. At the mall we had a stressful and fun time with another parent.. two mums and two 3.5 year olds .. tricky.. this would have sent me off getting a bottle on the way home.. to just float off into the evening. But I didn't do it. I really love my daughter and husband. And I am trying to love myself more. I can feel pretty good about myself a few drinks in. Life feels meaningful and intense.. but it really can turn.. and for the worst more often then not. Even if it doesn't it's taxing on my soul and I know it.

Choices
July 13th, 2016, 09:22 AM
I have insomnia boo-hoo me! I feel a lot better then I did a few hours ago when I wrote that post! That's for sure... I've been just wasting tons of time on FB, watching the good wife, and looking at photos of my girl and videos I've taken. I should be studying for my course this Saturday. It is in permaculture. I love it but just have not been able to focus! And I had two huge bowls of cornflakes with sugar on top. I've been kinda avoiding sugar because of all the info out there about it.. but i was peckish and really wanted cake or a cookie something sweat! The cereal with sugar on top it the spot. Might be my new treat. Sounds so innocent! Holly crap.. and I can't believe I felt guilty about it eating after 9pm. There really is too much information about everything out there nothing is good for you or what is good for you all of a sudden isn't! I get overwhelmed with it all and tryign to be good all the time. I need to go a lot easier on myself. That might have something to do with why I drank too much too and why I had a hard time stopping once I started.. or couldn't stop if there was too easy access to more. I just needed to fricken relax. Calm down. I can do this without AL for sure but I forget how. Ag.. I wish I could sleep. I was planning on hitting the gym tomorrow after drop off but seeing as it's 2:16 am.. I will happily give it a miss and maybe just organize something. Maybe a few shelves in my closet. Hubby is home tomorrow.. so back to cooking proper again.. I'm glad he is coming home. He sounds in a pretty good mood and it will be nice to all be together again. My girl misses him terribly.. and doesn't want to sleep in her room when he is gone. So sleeps with me. It's actually really nice.. OK>> I'm going to try again to fall asleep.. I'm not thinking of anything upsetting or bad.. just monkey mind.. Thank God I'm not drunk right now and out of wine.. that would really suck! And then to wake up in the morning and for a split second feel good.. only to realize I drank the whole bottle again and then a bunch of cheese and crackers. This is all worth it.

Inthesky
July 13th, 2016, 10:09 AM
Oh Choices,
Hang in there! I get to over thinking everything too :( Take it for what it is just that. Our minds have been currupted by the poison we struggle not to ingest. For what it is worth I say a prayer every morning and night of gratitude trying to find my peace also. I think I read you used the Allan Carr book to quit smoking (I'm currently reading it) and it worked right? Do you regret not smoking? Well the same applies to not drinking alcohol, in 5 years will you regret it? No of course not! Lol Our brains are funny that way.
Hang in there and arm yourself with whatever it takes to protect your AF right now ! I'm only on Day 5 again so I'm not the most knowledgeable at all but I have learned some hard lessons.
Sky

Choices
July 13th, 2016, 04:25 PM
Thanks Sky,

Your completely right. It's morning now and I am now 7 days. I can remember last week this time I thought I might die. I love the gratitude idea. So I think I'll add that to my routine. I am so tired from insomnia.. but I'm SO relieved I didn't drink anything!

Choices
July 14th, 2016, 11:36 PM
I am having a pink cloud day. Not completely sure what it means because I haven't been to AA but I'm pretty sure this is it. I just wanted to document it because it is these kind of days that can be just as tricky for me.. Very confident, can do anything I put my mind to sort of feelings.. like I can handle anything.. Even AL if I wish... I'm home, DD is in the tub... we are in for the night.. .it's raining cats and dogs... SO, no way I'd pack us up into the car to get booze. And no way I'd tell hubby to pick me up any either... SO just going to ride this cloud.. it is nice, may as well enjoy it.

Choices
January 6th, 2018, 11:59 PM
Well here it is years later and I am looking to find out where I am again. I am wanting to get healthy this year, I miss my health and drinking just gets in the way of that. This past year and a half I have drank somewhat in moderation, which is more than likely overdrinking.. but less than I have done in my past. I didn't drink to black out stage, which is progress. But what I hate about drinking is loosing my motivation to become fit and healthy. It just ruins it. I did a two week AF right before Christmas, a tricky time for sure, but also I was just really sick of feeling yucky. I don't drink every day, I probably have about a bottle of wine a week. (Typically) Sometimes this esclates, sometimes its less. I'd say, at this stage, I do not feel pulled to drink. I actually don't want to. Here is where I get stuck... I get on a good track, and an event comes up, not a big one.but there is drinking involved... and I decide out of lazyness to join in. There isn't a heck of a lot of pressure, maybe some. But I just decide not to say no. Then I don't care for a while.. and I'm a drinker. Then I feel like crap, bloated and fat and decide to loose weight, which always leads to knowing if I drink I won't be able to do that. Anyway, I'm rambling... I'm posting... and I'm not sure where I'm at. But, I don't want to drink for a while. I'm going to try 30 days.

Lunarer
January 7th, 2018, 04:24 AM
Hey, Choices.

That's what I did. I thought that forever seemed like such a long time that it was better to just try for 30 days. Once that was done I tried for 90.

I'll soon be three years. Might as well try for four after that.

Bests. ;)

Choices
January 8th, 2018, 06:14 PM
Well, here I am day 3. I'm pretty down. Not because of wanting to drink or because of anything I did while I drank.. but because emotions are just hitting me filled with sadness today. Maybe I have been pushing them away to try and get through this past year with alcohol. All be it not as heavy... It kept some sadness at bay. It could be I have a make up test in an hour that I am not going to take. This means I failed this course for the year. I just can't lift my head up. I need a break from all the stress of school and pressure.

Choices
January 9th, 2018, 01:50 AM
Evening here. It is so hot! I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier today. I still have a paper to finish and turn in by Friday 9 am and then I am officially done with last semester. I think it was that and the test that I chose to forgo that are playing on my mind. Everything is good on the homefront. My daughter started back to school today. It feels like a long time ago since I saw her sing in the Christmas concert, but it wasn't even a month ago. What a huge month! So many things to come down from.

I am very glad to be doing this January alcohol-free. I can not wait to feel better. Drinking is such a waste of time. It might be fun briefly but it's not worth it. I hate feeling hungover. It is the worst. I'm thankful that I don't have any massive upsets about my drinking that are scaring me strait as I have hated how that felt aswell. Very out of control. I feel in control. Just done. It's nice to be back here. I miss how busy it was when I first came to MWO.

I stuck to my diet again today and I am feeling better physically already. I also made healthy ice popsicles with my daughter after school. She took such delight in our new gadget. She is such a lovely child. I am very lucky.