PDA

View Full Version : ItsJustMe’s Rocky Path back to Sobriety



ItsJustMe
December 11th, 2015, 02:48 AM
Hey all –

I am now on day 3 AF. I have been pouring over the MWO site for almost an entire day now. I met up with my old friend Choices and she inspired me to start a personal journal. I think this might just be a collection of ramblings, what I happen to be feeling at the time, thoughts, whatever. But as I was reading the journals, I really could relate to a lot of things people were writing. Hopefully this is also an opportunity to “pay it forward” if I can inspire someone or at least let them know that what they are feeling is not unusual.

So this has been interesting today/yesterday. I went to bed at 9pm – I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Any other time and I would have been three sheets to the wind. I took an Ambien and was out like a light. That is until 2am. Right now it is 2:30am and I am wide-awake. So I figure I am going to run my Friday on about 4 and one-half hours of sleep. Ought to be an interesting day. The good news is that I won’t be hung over.

The last couple of days I restarted going to the gym. I think about 6am I may do that again.

BTW, if you are really bored, check out "my story" at http://www.mywayout.org/community/tell-us-your-story/92178-oh-crap.html

ItsJustMe
December 11th, 2015, 07:18 AM
HOLY CRAP!!! I fell asleep on the couch and woke up just a few minutes ago. I was having a dream that I found a half bottle of wine and drank it down before thinking it through. I knew my wife would be so disappointed so I was filling the bottle back up with water. That is when I woke up. Jeez! I bet I could personally keep a psychiatrist gainfully employed...

Choices
December 11th, 2015, 03:10 PM
Hi IJM,
I found the journal thing good. Just because I need to get out tons of random thoughts. I stopped posting on it because I was feeling a bit silly writing all my crap down and people don't always check these journals... but that's actually not a bad thing. It makes it more yours I guess.. I tried doing this off line but it didn't have the same result. I hate drinking dreams.. And not being able to sleep! I can't get ambian here in NZ but I remember it working really well. I've got Tynol PM's that I stalked up on when I was back in the good ol' USA. Those work pretty good. It's really tough getting through this thing without proper rest! I am on Day 2 AF. Not feeling too great.. but very, very happy not to be hungover! And happy to be really trying to be sober again.. and not just brushing it under the rug. There must be something about the end of 2015. I don't know if you've noticed but there are quite a few making their way back from the 2010-2012 days. I miss some of the old folks that I don't see around... but I'm glad they have maybe kicked this thing to the curb! The gym helps for sure.. I haven't gone in two weeks.. need to get my butt back there. I hope your having a good day, or night.. whatever time it is with you!

ItsJustMe
December 11th, 2015, 03:37 PM
Hey Choice! Yesterday was my Day 2 AF and it was pretty rough. I am pretty sure I know how you are feeling. Just wait till tomorrow morning when you get up without the hung over feeling. Even though I didn’t get much sleep, I still felt better this morning than I have in a while. I’m better today. I was off work yesterday and today. I’ve tried to keep busy today. I have a large salt water reef tank that needed lots of attention. It is pretty needy most of the time – but since my binging got out of hand about a month ago, with no maintenance, it was in a pretty sad state. I can say that my corals and fish look a bit happier now – I even think I saw some of them smiling!

3PM is usually when I start thinking of drinking – My start time is 6PM but 3PM is when I start the debate in my head. And right on schedule, it’s here. Hence why I logged on the MWO. Also, Mrs. IJM is at work, the boys are out doing their thing – so I am here alone with just my fish and dogs….. The perfect opportunity to NOT drink! That half a wine bottle dream was about half reality. There is a half bottle in the fridge…. But it’s gonna stay there. Its strange but I sort of draw strength looking at it and saying “not today… Today, I’m in charge of this rodeo”. Also I want Mrs. IJM to see it and know that the level is staying the same - I could use some positives on the trust side...

It sucks that you can’t get Ambien in NZ. It has got a bad rap because so many people abuse it. It is great for sleep, it pretty much is out of your system in 6 hours and contrary to popular belief, is not habit forming. I don’t feel drugged when I wake up (as long as I’m not recovering from a hangover that is….)

I still don’t know what I am going to do about tomorrow night. I really want to have one more crazy night. It’s something I have been planning. I know if I deprive myself then I’m going to be pissed off (my inner child is spoiled). Oh well, I can’t deal with that and concentrate on tonight both. I’m gonna have to deal with things one event at a time.

Hope you are keeping warm up there. It’s actually in the 60’s here in God’s Country (Atlanta).

I may post some more later – particularly if Al starts to buddy up to me.

Take care!

Choices
December 11th, 2015, 04:17 PM
Hi IJM,

It's still morning here and summer... I am in the future lol. As far as the earth turns down under. I'm one spoiled lady at the moment as it's Saturday here and mr. Choices just brought me breakfast in bed while I watch cooking shows and post. It's really nice to have a family who loves me. I think they are my inspiration for being healthy.

We have an aquarium here that I got a pass to so I could go with my 3 year old daughter when I was feeling a bit house bound. I love watching fish. I would love to have a salt water tank someday.. maybe when she is old enough to help with it. I did get a very small tank.. that we got a gold fish and an apple crab. The gold fish died.. but this crab has almost gotten to the size of a fist. Everyone thinks it is disgusting except me. I did the same thing though.. let the tank go and yuck! I cleaned it yesterday, and I swear.. this little big guy is really happy.

I can see what you mean about one last hurrah that's a tough one. Each time I drank too much during this 18 month relapse.. I would just feel so horrid. My husband said.. "Your in control, it starts and stops with you" But I wasn't in control because once I started... even by the first sip.. I wasn't in control Even the thoughts prior.. I'm not so sure I was. 3pm was when my thoughts started too. It was like I was at a job clock watching until 5 when I'd pour my first glass. I'd feel really in charge if I waited until even 5:05. I digress!

I'm just wondering if your trying to build up some trust.. wouldn't pouring the wine out and not smelling like wine be easier for you? That sounds like torture to have it in the fridge! And if you talk about it with your wife how you don't want to drink next weekend, but still want to make it romantic... I'm sure she will more then be on board. But your right. One day at a time!

I actually drank when I was on ambian once and ended up sleep walking... It was Thanksgiving and I was staying at my friends cabin in the rocky mountains and was wandering around in the snow looking for my dog... who was back in the city. But there is the warning not to drink on that stuff.. I'd get it here if I could though.

Well, I hope your evening goes through peacefully and isn't the devil/angel on your shoulder kind of night!

ItsJustMe
December 11th, 2015, 07:12 PM
Jeez, I'm a dumb a$$. You said NZ and I read as Newfoundland.. It just hit me after I read your last post. Well it is 6:54PM. 54 minutes past my normal happy hour. Things are starting to ramp up in my head. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. The house is 71F (Yes, I have the A/C on in mid December...) and feels like a sauna. Last year I was prescribed some Xanax that I never took. I just dug them out of a box in our master bedroom and popped 1mg. Hopefully it will kick in pretty quick. I'm actually afraid to take my BP right now. Mrs. IJM should be home from work in about an hour and a half. I think that once she is here I will be much better. Idle hands - I ran out of stuff to do. Cleaned the kitchen, prepared dinner, made the bed, cleaned the bathroom, wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents... I'm out of stuff. Things I could do I guess:
- Stand in front of a mirror with my eyes closed and see what I look like when I sleep
- Cut open a drum and see what makes the noise
- Go down to the river and watch the blood vessels come in
Weak attempt at humor....
I'll make it but I may end up in a padded room along the way. Been reading MWO post after post for the past hour....

If you decide to set up a salt water reef aquarium, it will make maintenance of your gold fish feel like taking out the trash. It is a very rewarding hobby, but it is very delicate, very precise, your water chemistry, water temperature, etc has to be within a frogs hair of perfect. I would never talk anyone out of it. To me, I love sea life. My wife and I both have advanced open water SCUBA certs and are very active divers. But I have had so many friends get started, get about $2-3K (USD) into it and decide it is way too much time and effort. I always recommend people start with a fresh water tropical tank - it's alot more forgiving and much much less expensive, and see if they are up to the challenge. I can say it is so rewarding to us. When we dive reefs, we point out sea life that lives in our tank. Really cool!

Ok, sorry for all the verbal diarrhea...

Choices
December 11th, 2015, 07:33 PM
Talk away! Whatever helps! I definitely would love the fresh or salt water fish tank as a hobby one day.. Just to much going on with a toddler to focus on the technical side at the moment. I think it's good you took the Xanax hopefully it's working by now. It sounds like you have been really busy! If I came home an hubs had done all of that I'd be psyched! Not long now until she is home like you said.. So go 15 min at a time if you need to. We just got back from swimming class with our kido. And now taking turns relaxing until we go to the playground. I love the sea too. We live really close to the beach and it really can be healing. I think sometimes you can do all the things to keep yourself from drinking and sometimes it's just hard. Your doing great.

I kind of wish I was in Newfoundland One thing I really miss from home (Colorado) is the snow at Christmas time.. And skiing

ItsJustMe
December 11th, 2015, 09:53 PM
So as the night gets later, so does the cravings. So, I figured "idle hands, devils workshop..." so I made up a little surprise for Mrs. IJM for when she gets home. She is an RN and is on her feet all day.

Here it is:

http://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff413/Buttwart/203b4467-b102-487d-b30b-93137e042447.jpg

available
December 11th, 2015, 09:58 PM
Lucky wife!!!

Choices
December 11th, 2015, 10:12 PM
Looks amazing!!! I know she will enjoy that. Who wouldn't?

ssd858
December 12th, 2015, 05:38 PM
Such a sweet thing to do for your wife!

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 12:33 AM
Hi IJM,
How did you get your photo to be bigger? I tried posting a few from my trip to the gardens... but they are really small.

ItsJustMe
December 13th, 2015, 12:40 PM
HI SSD - Mrs. IJM has to put up with a lot from me, so when I can do the little things that are special - I jump on them!

Choice - There may be an easier way but this is what I did:
Upload my jpg to photobucket.com
Once then, I go to edit and then resize
Then I usually change width - the height measurement will automatically adjust
Then "replace original" - if you don't do this you will have both the original size and the resized - in Photobucket, they will look the same. So you might end up selecting your original ""small" picture.
Finally take the IMG tag and paste it into your MWO message. Do a preview and see if that is what you want. If not, just repeat the steps above and use a different measurement.

Let me know if this is confusing and I write it out more detailed.

IJM

ItsJustMe
December 13th, 2015, 01:01 PM
Well, I had one more night to “sow my wild oats” and while I was not AF, I thought that I moded pretty good. I had planned this for a while and I was “hell bent” on doing it. The cool thing is that I didn’t get hammered, just lightly toasted. I was telling Choice that the club we went to was BYOB so I only took a small bottle of Bacardi – that way even if I finished the whole bottle (which I didn’t) not too much damage would be done. And since we went to the club via limo, I didn’t have my car there to run out to get more rum. Finally, I followed each drink with an equal amount of soda water with lime. I did make so many trips to the bathroom that I formed a close personal relationship with the urinal.

It was an awesome night and I now have total resolve to be AF. *Maybe* in a few months, if I am 100% compliant, as a treat I might do another byob club thing with a limited supply. But that is long down the road. At this point, I’m going to work on one day at a time.

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 04:29 PM
Hi IJM,
It's really good you were able to drink safely and be in charge of your intake. I know you were planning it for a long time and it sounds like you enjoyed yourself. Good on ya! It's Sunday with you so have a good one. Maybe check in Monday for the One Day at a Time. And post about more thoughts of your good night out. I think is really cool that you have such a lovely relationship with your wife and you guys do date night with style. But I know you are worried about your health. So don't be a stranger.

ItsJustMe
December 13th, 2015, 07:15 PM
Well, a new Day 1 AF in the making. It's 7PM and generally I would already be ending my second rum and diet coke or 3rd glass of wine. Will, I just finished my 6th glass of tea and am thinking about a cup of decaf coffee in a bit. Right now the cravings are not terrible - don't get me wrong - I'd freaking love to have a little something (of course we all know that little something turns into a big something) so I'm not gonna head down that road. Instead, me and Mrs. IJM are setting on the couch doing some last minute on-line Christmas shopping. 95% of every gift we purchased has come from Amazon. I have dinner in the oven (2 delicious Nutrisystem dinners...). I think I will head to bed around 9 and read for a while.

Just a quick shout out to all the get folks that post on this site - you are all an inspiration that really helps me. It's amazing how I can start reading a thread and the next thing I know, I've been into it for a few hours. I just downloaded a couple of Kindle books that I am looking forward to starting. If you have a Kindle, join the Kindle unlimited book club. It more than pays for itself!

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 07:44 PM
Way to go! Didn't think I'd see you until your Monday. Your evening sounds lovely.. I bet you are going to be feeling great in the morning. No more worries about the weekend, went down a success. Same as Sunday. Now I am going to try and do the photobucket thingy.

ItsJustMe
December 13th, 2015, 08:22 PM
Way to go! Didn't think I'd see you until your Monday. Your evening sounds lovely.. I bet you are going to be feeling great in the morning. No more worries about the weekend, went down a success. Same as Sunday. Now I am going to try and do the photobucket thingy.

Cool. If you get stuck, PM me or give me a shout on FB. I can do a Web-X from my desktop at work where you can see what I am doing on my screen so I can walk you through it. But it's really not that hard once you get into it. Like I said earlier, there may be an easier way, but i found that one to work well for me.

And yes, As much as I enjoyed last night, I'm glad it's behind me. It was really on my mind how it was going to go down... Would I get sloppy drunk? Embarrass Mrs. IJM? Not be able to stop once I started? etc. Now I have nothing in the near future that I can think of that puts me in a situation where I have to make those choices.

Talk at ya' later....
IJM

Choices
December 13th, 2015, 11:42 PM
Thanks IJM,
I got it! I've got some picks of my trip to the garden up from Sunday with the fam. So go check it out on my journal if your bored.
It's good you have a break from trying to do the what if's.

ItsJustMe
December 14th, 2015, 07:56 PM
Coming up on the end of Day 2. I’ve been really really busy all day long. Got up early and went to the gym. Then at work I am dealing with a huge acquisition for one of my customers that has lots of challenges. So I just got home a few minutes ago and I am physically and mentally drained. This is the point where I would be pouring my first rum and coke. But not tonight. I really really really want one though. I just poured a huge glass if tea and am about to start dinner. I find that once I eat dinner the cravings pretty much disappear for the evening… Not sure what is up with that but not gonna question it. I’m wondering how I am going to make it through the week. Then there are no plans for this weekend which is dangerous. But I am not going to worry about that now. Now I am going to worry about now – the next 5 minutes – and think of how good I will feel about myself in the morning.

Byrdlady
December 14th, 2015, 08:01 PM
Its, head on over to the newbies nest, I put up my I Have A Plan Speech this morning, maybe it will help you, too! Link is in my signature line. Congrats on Day 2! B

Choices
December 14th, 2015, 08:33 PM
I've been posting in the nest a little bit, and it's helpful. A lot of people coming and going. Day 2 is one of the tricky ones. I hope your evening is going well, and getting easier after you've eaten. I've been really trying not to let myself get hungry this first week. Early night? Any good movies to watch? I'm not really craving today. But not feeling so good physically.. I can't wait to feel better.. as the days go on. I love how the more days the better you feel. I've been keeping busy with my photos thanks to you. It amazing how going through 7 years of digital photos can take up so much time! What was it you said... Idle hands? Take care, L

ItsJustMe
December 14th, 2015, 10:34 PM
Hey Byrd – Thanks! I loved your “I have a Plan” post! Some of the things you list I am doing and others are good ideas for me to start doing. Here is the big thing that I am really working on. All day yesterday and today I keep telling myself that I am not denying myself from drinking. Hell, I CAN drink if I want to. But I CHOOSE NOT to drink. It is totally my choice. No one is making me do this. So my choice is to get healthier. I can’t cheat if I am choosing. It’s sort of like getting up at 6AM and going to the gym. I don’t have to go – no one is going to make me go. It is my choice to beat my own a$$ out of the bed so I can feel better today. I hope that makes sense.

Choices – Now that I have had dinner, the cravings have totally gone away. That is awesome! The only problem with watching a movie is that that is a huge trigger for me. I used to have my drink while watching Netflix, Amazon or Apple TV. I could watch Fox news, but hearing the state of our country doesn’t make me want to drink – it makes me want to throw up! ☺

If you get done messing with your photos and run out of stuff to do – here is another fun activity. If you don’t have a Mac, get your hubby to go out and get you one – heck, a month of alcohol would pay for a good portion of one. Then using the Photos App you can go in and use the ‘Faces’ option to tag everyone. The app gets smarter the more faces you tag. That lets you pull up pictures by person. Then tag location and other categories. I have started working on that and not only does it occupy your mind, it is pretty fun.

Oh well, day 2 behind me so headed to bed and looking forward to an awesome day 3.

IJM

Choices
December 15th, 2015, 02:41 PM
Hi IJM,
Happy day 3!

I am finding hunger to be one of those things I just can't let happen. Might even carry snacks with me where ever I go. Totally against my diet that I just kicked to the curb until after these holidays!

Looks like you won't be watching TV for a while :-). We have netflex on our apple and I am in love with it. I haven't tried Amazon. I'll have to look into it! I do have a Mac. Here is a question for ya... How do I delete more then one picture at a time in iPhoto? For some reason.., I have heaps of doubles sometimes up to five of the same thing.., and I am painfully deleting one by one. Kinda getting over it! I was grouchy my day 3 hope this isn't happening to you. I do like your thinking on its your choice not to drink. It's more empowering. I got a little tripped up on that one though this past year, because the addiction was driving that choice. Only I thought it was me. Deprivation sucks! But unfortunately I don't think we can escape that terrible feeling sometimes. It's crazy though.. If you are able to not give in.. It does go away.. But if you do give in.. Then it kind of just sticks around driving the choice... I am rambling! I don't know if what I'm writing even makes since to me even! Anyway! Hope your having a good one!

ItsJustMe
December 15th, 2015, 10:06 PM
Yup it makes perfect sense! You are not rambling...

Ah, the duplicated pictures!!! I have the same issue. There are a couple of third party apps that will clean this up for you. I’ve been looking at a few. Once I settle on one and try it, I’ll let you know how it works.

If you have Amazon Prime, there are lots of free movies and tv episodes. I am a total Amazon junkie – I get at least a package a week from them. I have vitamins and other stuff set up on auto-order. I have the Kindle Unlimited…. I single-handendly keep Amazon in business!

Yea, I was grouchy today – not sure if it was the Day 3 being pissed off or all the stuff that hit me. But I capped off on a group of engineers in a meeting today. I was trying to explain a concept and no one was getting it. I told them that I felt like I was presenting at the UN and no one had their headphones on! Seriously….. I tend to keep our HR dept busy. Not the most PC person around.

As far as diet – I am on Nutrisystem. I have been since 1/1/15. I’ve lost a ton of weight. The good part of it is that I eat all the time – so I can say that I am never hungry. I actually forget to eat sometimes. I’m eating like every 3 or so hours. I have snacks in my desk at work, in my truck, everywhere.

Well, I’m headed for bed. I have a big ol’ fun filled day tomorrow with a big project. And the start of day 4!

Hope you are doing great! You sound like you are.

IJM

Choices
December 15th, 2015, 10:59 PM
Hey there, I saw your asap.. Post. Sorry you had a shitty day! Hopefully it will be better tomorrow! I'm good.. Just getting through the 5pm hour. I don't feel like I want a drink.. But I do feel like I am missing something.... No idea what though