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aquamarine
March 7th, 2016, 02:43 PM
I have decided to come back here to this place because it really helped me tremendously in the past. My mind is in such a dark place right now - a combination of disgust, fear and disappointment. I need to stop drinking permanently but I just never can seem to accomplish that goal. My story is not unique . I had a great childhood, have a great husband and kids, have a good job etc..Yet I have this overwhelming addiction to alcohol. Just about all my drinking is done alone and secretly which is so stressful and pathetic. I think journaling could be a very beneficial thing to do. I think deep in me I don't think I am capable of stopping and this just sabotages me. I can have extreme self control and discipline with other things but not with this and it's killing me. I am going to try to be more mindful of what I am doing. This is short but it's a start.

Quit wining
March 7th, 2016, 03:22 PM
Hi Aqua and welcome!

Day 1. This is one of the hardest days of your quit. Coming back to MWO is the second great decision you've made today.

A lot of us were secret drinkers and devised (what we thought were) clever ways to hide our addictions. The thing is, we weren't fooling ourselves.

Aqua, I'm sure you're familiar with the Tool Kit. Newbie's Nest Roll Call is a great way to keep accountable. Please post your Day 1 success there Aqua.

And don't forget to lean on your fellow Nesters in Newbie's Nest! You'll find lots of supportive, non-judgemental folks there.

Again Aqua, welcome, we're glad you're here!

NoSugar
March 7th, 2016, 06:18 PM
I have decided to come back here to this place because it really helped me tremendously in the past. My mind is in such a dark place right now - a combination of disgust, fear and disappointment. I need to stop drinking permanently but I just never can seem to accomplish that goal. My story is not unique . I had a great childhood, have a great husband and kids, have a good job etc..Yet I have this overwhelming addiction to alcohol. Just about all my drinking is done alone and secretly which is so stressful and pathetic. Hi, AM, You're right in that you're not the only one. I wrote essentially the same words a bit over 3 years ago - I had none of the "excuses" like a bad childhood or abusive marriage that would allow me to at least understand a bit of this overwhelming desire to drink each day that was destroying my life. I was sneaky about it, too, and because I'm apparently married to Captain Clueless :wink:, I got away with it to a great extent (my kids were grown and gone before things got way out of control so there were fewer witnesses). Secretly acquiring wine, hiding the bottles, drinking alone, getting rid of the bottles and all the while so stressed that I didn't have "enough" was the real story of my life even though it didn't look that way to others who thought I had it made.


I think journaling could be a very beneficial thing to do. I did my 'journaling' on MWO - put a lot of stuff out here that I hadn't even admitted fully to myself because I was so humiliated. Somehow it made it less awful to confess to people who understood, weren't shocked, and didn't judge.


I think deep in me I don't think I am capable of stopping and this just sabotages me. I can have extreme self control and discipline with other things but not with this and it's killing me. I am going to try to be more mindful of what I am doing. This is short but it's a start. I tried unsuccessfully to quit on my own for quite awhile - much of 2012 - but always let myself down. Given that like you, I'm a very disciplined person, it seemed like maybe there was no hope, especially because I wasn't willing to go to a public program such as AA.

I thought I was surely the only person on the planet who thought and did the things I did so when I found this site, it was such a relief to know I wasn't alone and that the smart, funny, kind, empathetic, and wise people here were just like me. It made the whole mess so much less scary and I thought, if they can do it, so can I. AND SO CAN YOU!

We all can change our thinking, literally change our brains, and be done drinking for good. As soon as you truly take the option of drinking off the table, you're done. The tools here and the support that is available to you can help you keep that promise to yourself. There's a healthy person in you, AM -she just can't get out when you're caught in this trap.

All the best, NS

available
March 7th, 2016, 06:45 PM
Hi Aqua and welcome

Oh god i never thought i could stop drinking, ever. some days i still think that but 2+ years later i am still not drinking each day. Its not easy but i am of the opinion that something worthwhile never comes easy.

My diary was MWO and each and every day i logged on here and still do. Each and every day i am accountable for my sobriety. If i dont post i read.

We all know what you are going through and our addiction sucks but we all take this day by day or minute by minute. There is always someone here to lend an ear too.

Head over to the newbies nest and settle in.

aquamarine
March 16th, 2016, 11:06 AM
Today would have been Day 10 for me but I failed again last night. I had the day off and was fine then started thinking about having a glass of wine in the afternoon. This led to 3/4 of a bottle and 4 little bottles. Now I am back to this terrible dark place in my mind. I truly hate myself right now. All day I will think about my husband and how mad he will be when he gets home from work and how dissappointed my son will be when he gets home from work. I can truly hardly stand this feeling.I should have come on here when I clearly started going down that path of thinking. I am an idiot. All I can do is start over today and I will.

NoSugar
March 16th, 2016, 11:20 AM
You're not an idiot AM, you're a smart, important, worthy person who is addicted to an addictive substance. I suspect every one of us has had the experience you wrote about many, many times. I certainly did and pretty much lived in the dark place you're talking about.

I agree that you should have come on here -- if an online peer support group is your main tool for getting out from under this, you've got to use it!! We can't seek you out but if you speak up, you will get help. Plus, the time it takes to organize your thoughts and type might just be enough to get you past the craving because I promise you, if you give it time, it will pass.

You can do it AM - I hope you let us support you. All the best, NS

aquamarine
March 16th, 2016, 11:34 AM
Thank you so much for your reply NoSugar. It means the world to me.

NoSugar
March 16th, 2016, 11:41 AM
Keep talking, AM. What's the plan for today?

aquamarine
March 16th, 2016, 12:06 PM
I'm off today and spending the day paying bills , then making dinner. I know I won't even want to drink tonight. I never do for a little while after I have a night like last night. The craving will sneak back up in a couple days and then the difficult part begins. I have a few days off and am going to start back in a workout plan as this has helped in the past.

NoSugar
March 16th, 2016, 12:30 PM
That happened to me towards the end, too. I made myself so physically ill, just the thought of drinking made me quesy. At one point I even thought maybe that would be a way to end it! But, no, after a day or so the thought/urge/craving would return and I didn't realize I had the power to ignore that thought. It seemed more like a command.

If you have some extra time on your day off, the ARMY thread this week has been very open, raw, and motivating: http://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?t=92513

One suggestion I would make is to involve yourself here over the next couple days while you're not struggling with not drinking so that it will feel right to come here if and when you need help in the future. I know you've posted in the NN before - your odds of getting a response there quickly are pretty good.

Maybe your talk with your husband this evening could focus on the future and how he can best support your quit.

Take good care of yourself, NS

PS I just noticed your signature - what a good positive sign of the commitment you're making to yourself. xx

lex
March 17th, 2016, 12:59 PM
aquamarine- how are you doing today? lex

aquamarine
March 17th, 2016, 01:43 PM
Hi Lex. Thank you asking. I feel good in that I don't want to drink . This is what always happens. In a few days when I'm feeling good is when the cravings kick in and I give in .
Went to the gym and worked out. It's been a long time since Ive worked out so it was really hard but anytime I have had success with being AF I have paired it with getting in shape. It's always depressing getting back into it because it takes so long to see/feel results. That's one of my big problems. I'm really good at doing things 200% over a period of time but not good at doing things at a steady pace over time. I wonder if this is true for other alcoholics.

Guitarista
March 17th, 2016, 06:32 PM
Hi Aqua,

Here's the toolbox link in case you haven't discovered it. Best wishes, G.

http://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?t=24253