Just a place to write

[BigAl]

I realize that my life has been punctuated by periods of destruction caused by a nameless, faceless entity that stepped into my skin and cast stones at those I love. I am aware of some of these episodes, I know that I am not aware of others. I have realized the following day that words were said that materially changed relationships. Bells were rung that can never be unrung. This interloper convinced me to befriend it, talked me into spending time with it, weekends, long drives home, the first spring feeling day after winter. The end result was carnage, but by the time I saw it, it was really almost too late. And even then it kept telling me it was my friend. It still does. I still don’t know if it is too late and I am only beginning to fully understand the undermining that has occurred. What a pervasive animal this thing is. I hate it.

[BigAl]

Re: Just a place to write

Today was a rough day. A sober day as I close in on sunset. A little bit warm but a definite cool evening breeze starting to blow through (lightly). One of those good days for an attic fan in the Midwest. I wish it was just the quit that I had to deal with. Anxiety is high. The kids can feel it and are acting weird. Have you ever had something happen; someone or something close to you die, or something really bad, and you wake up in the morning with the sun and for a split second everything is wonderful. A new day, full of potential, a pleasure to start. And then that split second ends and you remember that this thing occurred and it sucks all of the warmth and brightness out of everything and you are left thinking that you might make it if you could just fall back asleep all day. But you know you can’t, so you get up and exist in the coldness that is this new thing. And you know that the only goodness that you can anticipate will be the split second that you wake up tomorrow before you remember the new reality. Those are what my mornings are like. On top of that I am on day five of no alcohol. I also realize how small my world became as a result of my consumption. I don’t really have any friends at this point. I am not sure how that happened. I used to have an abundance but somehow I look around now and don’t see any. I also just need a hug. A real, hard, arms wrapped around, eyes closed, warm, long hug. One of those where you realize you have been holding your breath for a while and consciously let it out. And it feels good. The only person who I want to turn to is deciding whether or not I am worth any more effort or not. So not only am I not getting a hug, I have contaminated the pure thing that was a hug.

So yeah. It was a rough day. But I have stayed sober. Even though sometimes I just want to throw a tantrum and break all of my toys. You know, because I love my toys. And breaking things you love makes it the worst. Goodnight. Here is to brighter days ahead.

[BigAl]

Re: Just a place to write

A little more clarity today. I may have one last chance to keep my family intact, although I have done so much damage that I don’t know if it will ever be the way I envision it in my head. One thing is for sure, I can never drink again or it is all over. It is such a matter of degree. At one point I was headed in a productive direction, but there was a minor course change. So minor that it was really unnoticeable. And then to that course was another imperceptible change. Again unnoticeable. After a thousand of those I was going backwards and didn’t even realize it. That is a powerful thing, not to be trifled with. So the anchor was lowered, the cannons were fired, everything came to a jerking halt, and here I am trying to get my bearings again. Just never again, ever.

Also, just because (I was drunk), on Memorial Day i dumped my motorcycle over. I have road rash on my upper thigh so bad that I can hardly walk. It is in one of those places that flexes in every different direction so as it heals it tends to tear and re-tear. Ouch. I consider myself lucky that I could get it back upright, get back on the seat, and drive away before any law enforcement came and detained me. Never again will I do that. And as you can imagine, everyone at home was just so proud of me.

Well, that’s enough for tonight. I will fill in the rest of the details that contributed to the final reckoning another time. Goodnight. And thanks for another sober day.

[mollyka]

Re: Just a place to write

Hi Al...you know..what you write brings me back as if it was only yesterday..the anxiety..and for me the almost crippling sense of just gloom and worry of the early week's...not even weeks..days...but each and every day you will start feeling better and more in control. Your self confidence will return and one day you'll wake up and that few seconds of joy at a new day will be brighter and longer

For now just get yourself healthy..nothing else. Don't worry about others yet...what you are doing is...and should be..all consuming. It's big quitting an addiction..huge - but it gets easier and almost fun (believe it or not!) as the days turn to weeks and months..all sorts of milestones..best one for me was the first day I remember NOT remembering alcohol or wanting it..fantastic feeling. Then you can start healing those around you and either reconnecting with friends and family or finding new friends

One piece of advice I would give you above all else..protect your first quit - it is invaluable..2nd and subsequent quits seem much harder.

Well done and keep doing what you're doing. The diarying here is a great idea

[BigAl]

Re: Just a place to write

[MENTION=8529]mollyka[/MENTION], thanks for stopping by. Yes, crippling is a good word to describe it. Yesterday felt better but today was another tough one. It is my own brain that works the hardest to sabotage things. I know I have said it before, but if it was only my quit I was dealing with it would be better (well of course it would, what a pointless statement!). I just feel so very sad, and mad, about the state of my familial relationship. While it may not be absolutely destroyed, it is definitely in a poor state. And the alcoholic has such a unique perspective on things. What i mean by that is that everyone around me has been acutely aware of my slide into a state of non-control and unaccountability. They have even tried to help. But, I was not in a state of mind to truly hear their words, or understand that they were real. It was just another little blip on the radar, obscured by my consumption and my singular desire to consume. Alcohol took every ounce. It took me to the line where everyone was just annoyed, and then the line where everyone was mad, and then to the line where there was real concern, and then to the line where ultimatums were made, and then it took me past that line. I feel so sorry for not being aware, for somehow letting something else get in between me and the people I so deeply love. It is only by sheer grace or a cosmic lineup of gravitational forces that I have not lost it all. Even though voices were speaking to me at every line I crossed, it did not register. So, after that long tangent, the unique perspective of an alcoholic is akin to waking up from a coma. It is as though I woke up and quit and now am in the same place I was before I started crossing lines and disappointing my loved ones. They see me through the lens of my actions, and I do not. That may be the hardest part. I just want to start out where I left off, but a lot of chaos has occurred since my slide into destruction. I have to pay a penance for this. But i don’t remember what I am paying a penance for. It’s not that I don’t remember, it is that I was lying to myself that I was doing anything wrong. It’s crazy, and it hurts.

That’s what today felt like. Hurt for things that I don’t really associate with myself, because i was fully held by the sway of my desire to just detach. And hurt that I can’t just start out with the love that I remember before I woke up from the coma.

The end of today will be a sober week.

[BigAl]

Re: Just a place to write

Two weeks sober today. I wish it felt like more of an accomplishment, but not drinking is just a component of my current life as it is. I wish that drinking was all I had to deal with right now. I wish that the people in my life who I care about still cared enough to be enthusiastic and exited. It’s hard to celebrate a milestone with that light. I feel like every day I get my hopes up and am bent a little bit this way, and then a tendril of reality makes it’s way into the light and I am brought right back to the hard present. And I am bent back the other way abruptly. All of this bending of emotion is wearing it thin, is just wearing my soul a bit thin. I am trying so hard and wishing so hard and spending energy in such dramatic amounts for something that may not even be in the cards. It hurts. And it is hard to not let it take the wind out of my sails and just give up. Big emotions. They have such an uncanny ability to change the landscape in such a sudden way that you don’t recognize the place you are in anymore. And you are just lost, listening to the wind blow through the cracks.

Here’s to two weeks.

[Guitarista]

Re: Just a place to write

Well done on 2 weeks + Al.

Others trust in us can take a little while to return. We can't control this of course, nor can we control whether others will trust us again. But i can control what i do and what i think and feel. One thing i can do is be the best man i can today, and walk leading by example towards my best self. It may take months or longer before those around us begin to believe what they are seeing - a new humble man willing to make amends where possible for past behaviour, and turning up for himself and life every day doing his best, available to his loved ones and the world.

Keep it rolling bro.

[BigAl]

Re: Just a place to write

Well said Guitarista. That’s all I can do.

I sat out on the back deck tonight, singing some old songs with the guitar. A month ago a was hammered. The fireflies were out, it was beautiful.