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  1. #1
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    11th February, 2010.
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    I could really use some advise...

    :new:
    I have been with my husband for 28 years, 6 years prior to getting married, 22 years of marriage. About 6 or so years ago he started drinking pretty heavily. Mostly on week-ends, so he could function during the day at work, but we'd both go out on the week-ends with friends - I would always end up being the designated driver. It was about six years ago that the week-end use changed into nightly use at home. Just a drink after work, to help calm and relax him.

    Then two drinks. At two drinks - I put my foot down and said no more. That was okay for a LONG time, but his "Two" drinks were more like the equivalent of 4 and then 6 - he just increased the amount of rum and decreased the amount of coke or sprite or whatever was the mixer.

    Then, I got pregnant. I was 40, and I lost the baby. That loss just about killed us both - there is a lot to this that I don't want to go into here, but after we lost our daughter, he started drinking even more heavily. I admit - I drank too. Soon I realized that it wasn't helping me and I stopped. I was never drinking THAT much, and I do not seem to have an addictive personality (except maybe being addicted to him!)

    Then his mother was diagnosed with ALS. He tried everything to help her, but nothing worked. He continued to drink and get worse. Then my father died suddenly of a heart attack. 13 days later, his mother passed away. We have a home in Belize and we both decided we needed a fresh start. We moved here almost 2 years ago.

    Last year he was drinking about 12-16 beers a day - he switched from rum to beer thinking that it would be less "bad" if it was "only beer" I finally had enough and I was ready to leave. I almost did. He promised to stop drinking and as of New Years eve 2008, he stopped drinking - for about 5 months. He had 1 drink at a family reunion in May of 2009, but it made him violently ill, and he stopped drinking again until August 2009 when a man from the states moved in across the street who drinks heavily.

    Now they both drink. My husband just started in again on a daily basis - he was only doing week-end binges until last week. He told me he needs to quit on his terms (which I KNOW is true) but he won't set any goals or limits for quitting. Right now - he is using the excuse that HE need to do this, and he will quit when he can come to terms with his inner demons.

    While I know that it is true that HE has to be the one to quit - instead of actually setting any goals or limits, he is dringking MORE! He went from 3 drinks to 5 drinks (stiff tripple shot rum & coke drinks) in less than a week!

    I am pretty much stuck here. We have 1 car. I have 3 large dogs that I need to take with me when/if I leave. He is verbally abusive and I am afraid it may turn into physical abuse. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to get him to stop again. I don't understand why he started drinking again, other than the man who moved here influencing him. He says that it was his choice and not to blame it on the "new guy" but that is the only trigger I can figure.

    Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to get him to realize what he is doing? Will it really help him to go on something like Antabuse? He says that If I leave him, it will END our 28 years together. While I don't want to do that, I just don't see that I have much other choice - he is hurting himself and he is hurting me every day - verbally. He doesn't realize how much the verbal abuse hurts. I honestly don't know what to do.

    I feel helpless.

  2. #2
    Registered User. hippie37's Avatar

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    I could really use some advise...

    Alias, your husband sound very much like me in many respects. I can so relate to your story. I just wanna give you a big hug and tell you "I know how you feel". It took me so long to finally put myself in the shoes of my ex partner and see it from her perspective. That didn't happen overnight though. I ended up going through an addiction treatment center where I became aware of what my behaviour was really like while wrapped up in active addiction. The blame I put at everybody's feet but my own. The rationalising that if I just drank beer and not spirits I would be OK. The justifying because I'd had such a hard time of it that I deserved a drink. They say this is an illness and one of denial. It's very much like a person who suffers with bi-polar disorder who thinks they don't need to take their medication because they're feeling OK again. The mind can play very harsh tricks on us alcoholics because we can convince ourselves we don't have a problem in the first place. I don't see it as denial today I see it more like delusion.

    I'm not one to offer 'advice' as such but just share my experience with people as I don't think advice is what people need. They need to make an informed choice themselves. If that is based on something I may of shared then so be it. But waiting till the demons have been faced before putting down the drink is slightly putting the cart in front of the horse if you ask me! The demons will not be dealt with whilst still in the madness and obsession of using alcohol to escape them. It just doesn't work I'm afraid.

    I really hope he decides to do something sooner rather than later because YOU have a life too and you're being stripped of that day by day. The alcoholic is very self centered and forgets that their own drinking effects EVERYONE around them that are close to them. I put my mum through a living hell. I put my ex partner through the same because at the end of the day I didn't give a shit about anyone because I was so consumed with getting drink and taking drugs. On the surface I would be the complete opposite because I wore a 'mask' to hide how I was really feeling inside. So my life became very superficial in many respects. I was a complete Jekyll and Hyde to be honest.

    I'm just over a year sober and without that treatment center I would still be thinking I was the one that was right and everybody else could go to hell because they're all wrong.

    http://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ity-37641.html

    This is a post I made a while back about taking responsibility for ones actions. hope you find it helpful. And please feel free to send me a private message if you want. I've done a lot of soul searching around my own addiction and have a good awareness today that keeps me on the straight and narrow.

    Love and Light
    Phil
    xx:l

  3. #3
    Registered User. LVT25's Avatar

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    I could really use some advise...

    Hi Alias,

    Your husband is right, he has to be the one to decide to quit.

    You do have some choices though. You can distance yourself from the situation. You could check out an Al-anon program, you could go to counseling. A book I highly recommend is "CoDependent No More".

    It can be very frustrating and miserable loving an alcoholic. But you have to live your life as well, and you do have choices.

    Best wishes.:h

  4. #4
    Registered User. gyco's Avatar

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    I could really use some advise...

    interesting

    AliasOne;804421 wrote: :new:
    we lost our daughter, he started drinking even more heavily. I admit - I drank too.fresh start. We moved here almost 2 years ago.I am pretty much stuck here. We have 1 car. I have 3 large dogs that I need to take with me when/if I leave. He is verbally abusive and I am afraid it may turn into physical abuse. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to get him to stop again. I don't understand why he started drinking again, other than the man who moved here influencing him. He says that it was his choice and not to blame it on the "new guy" but that is the only trigger I can figure.

    Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to get him to realize what he is doing? Will it really help him to go on something like Antabuse? He says that If I leave him, it will END our 28 years together. While I don't want to do that, I just don't see that I have much other choice - he is hurting himself and he is hurting me every day - verbally. He doesn't realize how much the verbal abuse hurts. I honestly don't know what to do.

    I feel helpless.
    hi AlOne,i cut some of your thread out,my wife went thro pretty much the same with me,ive done the drinking thing on my own for 10 years now,stopping and starting it dont work on your own,she hasnt left ,i dont Think ? she would unless i got physically abisive,when im like in that state i don t no what im doing, your husband sounds the same,again just b4 new years ive stopped again,i dont have a problem stopping,staying stopped,is the goal,of every ,alchoholic,i cant say your husband is,i dont have that rt,he has to decide,ive been in and out of hospitasl,ove r the last 10 years,found out life has a lot to do with it,people you associate with,death,even watching interventions has helped,knowing what i no,if you were my sister,i would look into the finances,i beleive half of everthing is yours, and i no this is easier said then done,forceful hand,that is what my work did to me,either that or lose eveything,beleive me when i say it,someone snitched on me at work,and it was the best thing that happed,treatment ,is sometime the only way to understand what your going thro,what we heavy drinkeer never new,was drinking the amounts we do is not normal ido so this helps gyc

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