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    1. #1
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      Please help me help my friend

      The first thing I want to say is thank you for having this resource available for alcoholics, their friends and families. I have read many stories while trolling the forums and some are heartbreaking and some are really inspirational. I now have hope that the Woman I love can overcome her addiction or at least bring it under control.

      I am going to give a little history first so this post may get long. But, I need help, so please bear with me and share your advice with me if you can. I have so many questions I don?t even know where to start.

      I met this girl I will call Mary when I was 15. We dated for 3 years off and on and then we broke up and we lost touch for many years. She was my first love. I have thought about her many times throughout the years and she always occupied a special place in my heart. I am now 37 and she is 34. I found her on Facebook a few months ago and I decided to contact her. We texted back and forth a few times and I decided I wanted to stop in to where she works and say hi. She is a bartender. I just thought it would be two old friends chatting and I would see her every once in a while, but nothing more. The problem came when I saw her that first time, I immediately knew that I still loved her and that she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have dropped hints at how I feel but I have not told her everything yet, she has a lot on her plate already. We kissed once but nothing more. I stop in to see her about once a week and we text back and forth occasionally. Now comes the part I need help with.

      She is an alcoholic. Reading back on her facebook, she has been hospitalized with pancreatitis and had many bouts with sickness from drinking too much. Her Mother is an alcoholic and has been her entire life and they are very close. A couple weeks ago we arranged a formal date. I had been trying without success for weeks to get her on a date. She asked me on this date, so I was really excited. Three days before the date she went to her Mother?s house. I think they drank all night but it wasn?t my business to ask so I never did. The next day I texted her and asked how she was and she said she was not good and she thought she would have to cancel our date. I texted her back several times but never got a response. The day after our date was planned, she texted me and said she was doing better but that she had been sick. I asked her if she was hung over and she said no, ?pancreas?. So, she had another bout with pancreatitis. She was just hospitalized for three days over new years for pancreatitis. I am really worried about her health.

      After her last bout with pancreatitis, she stayed sober for 7 days. Then she got some bad health news about her cats, coupled with a lunch date with her Mom and she was drinking again.

      Mary says that she thinks she will be dead before her Mom if she keeps drinking this way. Her Mom?s health is pretty bad and Mary don?t think she will live much longer. When I was talking to her about it, she was getting teary eyed and said she don?t know what she will do without her Mom. Then she said just talking about her made her want to do a shot and drink even more. I don?t want her to feel that way so I am unsure if I will push her to talk about these issues again. After our talk, she did thank me and said it helped to talk about it with me. She is a bartender and she is very social, but she doesn?t have anybody really close to talk to except her Mom. She is a very private person outside of work and I am finding it difficult getting close, although I am making progress slowly. I am patient and I will succeed in getting closer, I don?t doubt that. I just don?t know how to help her quit drinking. She said she wants to do treatment, but that she has too much on her plate right now.

      Two days ago I went to the bar and had a few beers myself. I am a social drinker and before meeting her for the first time, hadn?t drank in 6 months. Now, I only drink when I am with her, but I keep it pretty light. Should I not drink when I am around her? I usually have 2 or 3 beers then switch to soda.

      When I saw her two days ago, she left after work to get her hair cut because she was starting a new bartending job the next morning. I told her I would be in the area for a while if she wanted to hang out after she was finished. I left to get something to eat and she went to get her hair cut. She texted me an hour later and said she was going back to the bar to have one more and she invited me to join her. One more drink led to one more drink which led to just one more drink. Finally the bar was closing. She had planned to be in bed by 11PM and we left the bar at 130AM. She still had laundry to do and her nails. We went back to her place and she did her laundry. I stuck around until the laundry was done and left about 4AM. She had to be out of bed by 830AM. She made it to the new job ok and worked all day. After work, she went back to the bar and she was up until 430AM again that night. I saw her today and she said she was pretty tired.

      Am I part of the problem here? I don?t want to think that I am because she did this before I was back in her life. Maybe I am just in denial mode though, please help me. When I see her, am I enabling or encouraging her by drinking a few beers myself? Should I avoid drinking alcohol when I am around her?

      I have been reading some Bac stories and I think she would be open to trying it out. I just don?t know how to approach her about it yet. I am concerned that with all the added stresses in her life, coupled with where she works, it will make it more difficult.

      The other concern for me is the SE?s. She is under a microscope at work and she can?t be forgetting drink orders or even how to make a certain drink. She works alone so there isn?t anyone else there to help her out if she needs it.

      I love this Woman more than words can say. I know that I am embarking on an epic battle against alcohol that may last the rest of my life, but she is totally worth it.

      I have read an article that say?s to set boundaries, confront them, do a formal intervention, practicing detachment, etc. The problem is that I am new to her life. I don?t yet know how she feels about me. I know that she likes me a lot, I can see it in her eyes. She said she has too much going on right now to concentrate on a relationship and I agree with her. I am afraid that the approach the article tells me to take will not work in my case. Losing her forever is unacceptable to me and I will not risk that. She don?t have any really close friends and those she is close to are alcoholics, except me.

      She is deep in debt, an alcoholic, has these drinking related health problems, Her Mom is not healthy and she works around alcohol all day. I have offered to help with the debts but she refuses all help.

      She has very little self esteem and she says she is disappointed with her life. I consistently tell her she is beautiful and that I am proud of who she is. I am in this until the end no matter what and I am just lost at what my next step should be.

      I am going to see her this Thursday and I am sure she will want to hang around the bar. I am going to attempt to get her away for a meal but I am not confident she will go. I am planning some other stuff just in case I can get her away from the bar, but she will probably want to go back later in the evening.

      I feel that I am her last hope. If I fail, she will die and I know I will blame myself for not helping her when she needed me. There may be someone else that could help her, but at this point, I don?t know of anyone she has let get as close as I am.

      I could keep writing because there is lots more I could say, but I will leave it there. I don?t want to say too much because I don?t know how she would feel knowing that I shared as much as I did.

      Please help me if you can. I am going to try to bring this subject up slowly in the next few weeks and try not to be pushy.

      I love her so much, please help me!

      MP

    2. #2
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      Please help me help my friend

      Hello MP, wow thats a tough one to answer because I dont wish to steer you in the wrong direction I am sure many more people will be along with suggestion and advice and I wish I had some answers for you but I will try to help.
      The first thing that jumps out at me is the fact that she works in a bar, that makes it very difficult for her to even cut back, has she considered other work? Drinking with her is not a good idea as it is enabling but she will drink the with or without you I imagine. Can you take her out of that environment when you meet? Anywhere else but beware she will probably try to work it that you go somewhere where alcohol is available, its a tricky one.
      You say she is open to trying to tackle this horrible addiction, has she taken any action such as AA or contacting sites such as this?
      You are wise in not trying to push her too far or intervene as she will almost certainly push you away, she needs to decide to do this for herself and know that you will be there every step of the was beside her no matter what.
      Low self esteem goes hand in hand with alcoholism, its a merry-go-round of drinking/regrets/feeling low and drinking again. Mostly it is used as an escape to hide from our emotions.
      I dont have any experience of Bac so I cant comment on it.
      Assuming she wants to stop the madness have you thought about showing her this site and asking her to post, what has she to lose?
      I wish you and your girl well, she is lucky to have someone who cares for her as much as you obviously do.
      Keep safe
      KTAB

    3. #3
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      Please help me help my friend

      MP what a lovely person you are mary is very lucky to have you to help and love her. ive never had meds either so cant comment on them. Ithink any alcoholic has to make the decision to try to stop on their own any outside sugestions are sometimes missread as criticsism. if you could get her to post on here (i dont know how you might go about sugesting it tho!)it is a wonderful place and no one judges! Mary is young and has a chance of a great life ahead of her. I Hope she gets help maybe rehab is what she needs to start off i dont know? Iwish you the best of luck and mary too you are a special person mp. Keep posted and let us know of your progress x

    4. #4
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      Please help me help my friend

      Thank you KTAB for your help and your kind words.

      I have tried to get her out of the bar with little success. I will keep trying but I am still being really cautious because I don't want her to push me away.

      She has worked in many different fields but right now she has two jobs and they are both bartending. I think in her current state, she would not do well in another field because she has lost jobs in the past due to her drinking. She already feels like a failure so I want to help show her that she can succeed. I don't want her to repeat that cycle again and then be back to square one. She has said she needs to find some other field to work in, but making that happen right now is difficult. Not to mention a career change in the current economy might be difficult. These are all just excuses, but they have some validity.

      She has not tried AA. She is a very shy girl and this problem is very personal to her. I am not sure she is ready to stand up in front of strangers and discuss her problem. She just told me a few days ago that she is an alcoholic when I told her she was hiding a big secret from me. That was the secret. I already knew it, but she didn't know that I knew.

      Until a few weeks ago she didn't have a computer so no she has never visited a site like this. I bought her a laptop and currently she don't have internet. But she occasionally goes to the cofee shop and gets online. I am going to introduce the subject of this site slowly and hopefully she will be willing to share her story with you fine folks after she see's how open and caring everyone here is. I don't think she even knows what a forum is. Baby steps.

      From now on, I will refrain from alcohol completely. I don't need it. The last thing I want to do is enable her.

      So far I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. But this story is not about me and I will go through whatever it takes to save her.

      Thanks for your great advice.

      MP

    5. #5
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      Please help me help my friend

      Stashia

      Thank you too for your kind words. I don't think that I am special. I think she is the special one and the world needs her, and I need her. I have been very cautious not to criticize or be judgemental and I am taking it very slow, hopefully not too slow. My plan is to get her here and she will see that there is hope.

      I can see that this is a very difficult addiction to overcome. I just want to say to those of you who are here battling it, don't give up. Do it for yourself but know that there are friends and family that love you and want to see you succeed.

      MP

    6. #6
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      Please help me help my friend

      Hi MP, your abstaining from AL is a good call and will no doubt help Mary. I totally understand her reluctance to stand up in front of a room full of strangers and speak about something so personal.
      I think if you can get her to take a look at this site it will be a big step forward. There is absolutely no requisite for her to tell her story or even post if she doesnt want to. Just reading and seeing that there are people like her who do truly understand what it is like will maybe open her eyes to the fact that she can beat this. There are far more ladies here than men so I think that too may be a bonus. Nobody will judge her just offer advice and unconditional support.

      Here are a few threads that she may find useful
      http://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html
      this one has loads of great tips and advice.

      And this one is a great place for newcomers to start
      http://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...est-30074.html

      Good luck, I hope Mary decides to give it a go.

    7. #7
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      Please help me help my friend

      mpdaddy;1095273 wrote: Stashia

      Thank you too for your kind words. I don't think that I am special. I think she is the special one and the world needs her, and I need her. I have been very cautious not to criticize or be judgemental and I am taking it very slow, hopefully not too slow. My plan is to get her here and she will see that there is hope.

      I can see that this is a very difficult addiction to overcome. I just want to say to those of you who are here battling it, don't give up. Do it for yourself but know that there are friends and family that love you and want to see you succeed.

      MP
      mp dad, i think many would say run like hell ,but love is strange and blind too,your rite on when you say she needs help,if she doesn't like to socialize, , this place and others like it on the net are a good start,detoxing can be difficult, should be done under supervision, depending on her with-drawl symptoms,she might even have to be hospitalized . you also said she doesn' t have to quit, there is moderation,or medications that can help. but she has to want to change, have to realize most people with this addiction, aren't very healthy,and there is hope, i wish you well

    8. #8
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      Please help me help my friend

      KTAB thank you again for more great advice. I will show her the site and I hope she takes advantage of this great community. If she don't, then I will just keep slowly working on her and together we will find something that she is willing to try.

      special. I agree that love is blind. I actually walked away from a potential relationship about a year ago with an alcoholic, or heavy drinker. I didn't want the hassle. Mary is different though and I knew it the minute I laid eyes on her, again. I have already heard from my friends that I should run like hell. When it comes to Mary, that is not an option for me.

      Before she even attempts with detoxing, especially if she tries BAC, she will see a doctor first. I would be the one footing the bill for the BAC and I won't do it unless we have tried other options first. If the doctor won't help her, then we will do what we have to do but I will monitor her very closely.

      I think she truly wants to change. I may be biased to believe her when she says it, but I do in fact believe her. If she is not ready yet, then so be it. I will be here until the end, and when she decides she does want to change, I will be there to help her.

      Thanks Again

      MP

    9. #9
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      Please help me help my friend

      Hi MP. I always feel sad reading about any alcoholic still suffering out there. Alcholism is so insidious. I am so grateful to be sober today.

      I am so glad you have decided not to drink when you are with her. That will not *make* her stop (there is nothing YOU can do to *make* her stop) but it is important support.

      Does she want to stop drinking? Sobriety was not easy for me to achieve even though I wanted it. Before I was sure I wanted it, it was impossible. Every day I would wake up telling myself I wouldn't drink that day, only to be drinking by 5PM or earlier if possible.

      Also, I used to tell myself and others I was drinking because of events around me. If I didn't have "all these problems" I wouldn't need to drink! That was not the case for me. I drank because I'm an alcoholic and that's just what we do. There will always be a "reason to drink." A change of circumstance does not solve the problem of alcoholism.

      I cannot stay sober alone. I need my friends here at My Way Out. I got my own start to sobriety here at this site and I downloaded the book, bought the starter kit, took all the supplements, listened to the hypnosis CD's, and followed the diet and exercise recommendations. I found some like minded people here on this forum who were striving for abstinence, and checked in with them every day.

      That wasn't enough for me.

      I still do all that stuff (except hypnosis CD's) and now I go to AA too. This is what works for me. If I can manage to stay sober for another month, it will be 3 years AF for me on May 22.

      I had to be willing to go to any length to get sober. I had to get out of my comfort zone. Drinking is what went on in my comfort zone. I couldn't stay there and get sober.

      I wish your friend all the best and hope she decides to come here. She is blessed to have your support in this journey.

      DG

    10. #10
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      Please help me help my friend

      does she want to stop

      Hello

      Sounds like you are going though a lot. I guess one thing that struck me is that you don't seem to mention whether she has any inclination to stop. Sticking around someone who is failing at stopping I think is different from someone who is not aware or in denial. Either you haven't talked to her about it or she has not shared this with you.

      If she does recognize it as a problem I think there might be hope, but if not, well things don't look very good and I think you need to move on.

      Also, is this woman really attracted to you romantically? Or do you get the sense more maybe not, that you are more of a friend, despite this one date. And in that case, you really need to move on. It's hard to move on, but we all have to do it sometimes.


      Nancy

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