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  1. #1
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Hi everyone, it's me again. I don't post anymore, not really, however it's because my mom comes here now more often than I do. She tends to worry/obsess over me and my progress and/or lack thereof. I'm sick of reading about her thoughts of me because it makes me even more depressed than I already am. I'm on my antidepressants, yet to read anything she writes makes me curl up into another ball on my bed. I am doing the best I can, yet if I don't phone every other day she decides it is because I'm back on the drink. I had a slip last Saturday, but other than that I've been ok. Not great or happy, just not drinking. I understand why she doesn't believe me, but I don't want to read about just as she doesn't want me near her.

    My dad just doesn't communicate with me anymore. Nothing. No calls, no emails, no letters, no nothing. I guess it hurts him too much?

    I simply feel like a failure. I have old collage friends who are so successful and engaged with great jobs. Some have gotten married and have babies. I got married and divorced (parents were happy bout that...). Now, I am going back to the same old job I hated to apply for it again simply because I do not what to do.

    All that I have ever wanted to do is write. However, I don't feel I have that special gift when I read something really amazing. So then I get discouraged and don't even try.
    Then I think, well, go to culinary school; I love to cook. Yet, I am still bulimic, so how will that ever work?

    I am in therapy, but I've been in therapy on and off since I was 15 (now 28). Nothing has worked so far. I am the epitome of negativity...
    I try to meditate but my mind goes back to all the wrong I've done each time and ruins it. I can only sleepwith med aids or drink. I can't exercise or be on my feet for too long because my back is messed up from gymnastics (hence the bulimia).

    I am tired of being a sorry sack. I want to feel better again. I still have hope... and I somehow know that I will get there... It just really sucks hairyass balls that I'm not there yet. Sorry for the hairyass balls comment, but I'm sure the lady's who go down know what I'm talking about; It is not pleasant.

    Anyways, my mother being on this site is a put off for me. Although I hoped that it would help her, I truly don't think it has. Nor does Alanon apparently.

    I can't be surprised though, since I hate AA. I wish I was still religious so that I would like AA. Unfortunately though, I am not. Please don't get me wrong; I believe in a God and he goes by many names. I just hate organized religion and I do not believe that Jesus was God's son or reincarnate. I do believe in people who are so selfless that they are considered saints or prophets. Organized faiths are the causes of most wars and I cannot tolerate that.

    I've gone off on a tangent, sorry, but any thoughts?

  2. #2
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Rachelita, I sent you a pm. I think you have some options worth considering.

  3. #3
    Registered User. Cinders's Avatar

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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    I try to meditate but my mind goes back to all the wrong I've done each time and ruins it.
    Rachelita,

    You have to let go of the past or it will keep pulling you back down.

    Today, look towards tomorrow. No negative thoughts. Just thoughts of how you can live your life in a good and happy way.

    Do not look back, except to say "I am sorry, forgive me," and then let it go whether you are forgiven or not.

    You have a wonderful life ahead of you if you grab it. If you continue to wallow in the past, you will be lost.

    Love,
    Cindi

  4. #4
    Registered User. cymru's Avatar

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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Agree with Cinders here. You have to let go of yesterday to live today. There is nothing we can do about our past, but we can better ourselves for the future. Starting today.
    if you ever want to p.m please do, and you can talk in confidence.
    All the best for today, tomorrow and the future. Its in your hands. x

  5. #5
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Cinders;491432 wrote: Rachelita,

    You have to let go of the past or it will keep pulling you back down.

    Today, look towards tomorrow. No negative thoughts. Just thoughts of how you can live your life in a good and happy way.

    Do not look back, except to say "I am sorry, forgive me," and then let it go whether you are forgiven or not.

    You have a wonderful life ahead of you if you grab it. If you continue to wallow in the past, you will be lost.

    Love,
    Cindi
    I do not intend to be rude here at all. I can't be because I don't want anyone to feel the way I do.
    It is not uncommon for people with drinking problems to not be clinically depressed/and or have any other issues.

    Unfortunately I have several issues and have been diagnosed as clinically depressed.
    Although I am seeking professional help on my own I still have sever issues. I am not uss a drunk, I am also a rape victim and a a bulimic. I also have anger issues. I thought about suicide as a young adult but was too afraid of pain.

    Now I do not think of suicide. I simply want to get better. Yet am not sure how. So I need guidance.

    I need to hear about personal experiences. Not more words of wisdom, please!

    Tell me how YOU got better!

    Love,
    Rach

  6. #6
    Registered User. cymru's Avatar

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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    I am also 'clinically depressed' and on numerous pills. But im honest when i say letting go of the past and living for today has been a big part of my starting to like myself. I am only at the beginning of my journey, but setting out a plan of action and following certain rules have also helped.
    Us humans are complex and everyones recovery is different. But this was my turning point.
    All the best rachelita. and as i said, if you ever want to chat.

  7. #7
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    hi Rachelita
    I am wondering if you can ask your family to stay off this site, maybe it is too late now. Your family really seems to be very nice, well-meaning and concerned about you, but I just - in watching from afar, just thought it was too much company. I am not at all surprised it has pushed you away.
    take care!
    Lila

  8. #8
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Lila,
    I know that they care so much. I guess it was a mistake on my part to invite them here.
    All I wanted was support. Instead I got to read about how I hurt them al the time.

  9. #9
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Rachelita,

    I am sorry you are feeling limited at this site right now. I personally would not be able to post if my parents were reading them. I have too many self esteem/judgement issues that are connected with my relationship to them.( and I am 40) Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad, this is just "my" place to heal, and grown, and learn.(...and sometimes even make mistakes)

    There might be a couple of ways around your current dillema. I am guessing wip is trying to offer up some ideas on that as well. Feel free to PM me.

    I also have suffered clinical depression, and I am an alcoholic. This place and the supportive people here have helped me take the first steps I needed to help me help myself away from using drinking as a coping mechanism, and a daily fix.

    I am away today in about 30 mins to go Christmas Shopping. I will look in later tonight.

    Best of luck Rachelita, and never give up hope.
    YOU ARE WORTH IT.

  10. #10
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    I thought it would be a good thing, but turns out I was wrong

    Hi Rachelita

    Sorry you are feeling so low.

    And too bad your family's involvment in the site turned out to be negative for you.

    I think you should try leaving your family out of your problems altogether. Of course it's painful for them. It seems like they treat you like you are younger than 28 too.

    Speaking from personal experience here, the only thing that has helped me with lifelong depression is the philosophy behind meditation. But really the biggest thing is learning to like yourself. The enemy is within. Trust me on that. You learn to like yourself, all of life gets easier. Meditation helps with that. I got a lot out of the book You can heal your life by Louise Hay.

    She advised building self-esteem one step at a time. Find somthing you like about yourself and build on that.

    Thoughts can be overwhelming but they are not your core self. Become your own ally, stop looking outside yourself constantly for validation and you will start to enjoy life more.

    You say you are a rape victim and perhaps that caused some of your self-esteem problems. Victims sometimes blame themselves. But you can learn tolove and nurture that person inside who was hurt.

    Nancy

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