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    1. #11
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Hello Persephone,
      Gee, that could have been me writing some of your words and feelings.
      You have strong motivation and positive attitude . These are great weapons.
      You say you have a fair bit of time on your hands. Do you have strategies in place so that when you find yourself getting bored, you can get going on some activity to get your mind off the boredom?
      The self-loathing is an insidious thing. It can tear you apart. If you search for the reason “why” or “how”, will it bring an ending or maybe set other things in train? Many years ago a friend said tome “I think you’re thinking too much...” maybe he had a point.
      Do you want to cut yourself a bit of slack and allow yourself some time to enjoy and work on not drinking and then you’ll be much stronger to start analysing the other stuff in your life that you want to clear up.
      Just saying that in case you don’t get back to the root of it all.

      Lastly, welcome to MWO. You'll find a lot of help, support and friendship here.

    2. #12
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      day 5...So ASCENT from hell was a bit premature

      I'm really bummed about this?Wayne posted a pic of the family from the party on Saturday and your phone (that supposedly wasn't working) was sitting on your chest! So, the Verizon bill shows plenty of calls and texts to and FROM your phone on all those days you claimed you had no service, claimed to not know that I was worried about and that you didn't receive any of my message. It's all bullshit. You fucking bold faced lied to me?I cannot image your reason for lying about this. I also noticed that plenty of these texts and calls were to and from Jessica. I don't know WTF is going on here and I don't want to. I don't trust you and apparently my 'fear' is quite justified, isn't it. Don't' bother responding.

      Today I am trying to talk myself off the ledge. Woke up in a major funk, anxiety ridden and frantically looking around for my usual 'fix.' I finally decided to NOT buy alcohol and come here to brain drain instead. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired...check, check, check and check! Doing my best to attend to those first.

      It's amazing how many things in my life I've used alcohol as a medication for. I mean, talk about giving power to a substance. I have chosen a poison to be my everything...elixir, poison, and antidote! And typically without stopping to question it. Habitual fix...feel anxious? Drink this. Feel Depressed? Drink this. Feel guilty about drinking? Drink some more. Madness.
      Pitiful. How did I get here? And will I ever be able to really climb out?

      Going to shower & eat?

      Now that I am clean and fed, it has occurred to me that this will never get better, never get easier if I give in to the poison. Starting over, the way I felt 5 days ago will only perpetuate more of the same. I feel as though I'm trying to navigate through a storm. Going to go look through my 'emergency kit/tool box' that I began creating when I was in a better frame of mind. Thanks, BTW, to all of you who contributed to that. Will check in later and report how that went.

    3. #13
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      day 5...So ASCENT from hell was a bit premature

      Today I am trying to talk myself off the ledge. Woke up in a major funk, anxiety ridden and frantically looking around for my usual 'fix.' I finally decided to NOT buy alcohol and come here to brain drain instead. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired...check, check, check and check! Doing my best to attend to those first.

      It's amazing how many things in my life I've used alcohol as a medication for. I mean, talk about giving power to a substance. I have chosen a poison to be my everything...elixir, poison, and antidote! And typically without stopping to question it. Habitual fix...feel anxious? Drink this. Feel Depressed? Drink this. Feel guilty about drinking? Drink some more. Madness.
      Pitiful. How did I get here? And will I ever be able to really climb out?

      Going to shower & eat?

      Now that I am clean and fed, it has occurred to me that this will never get better, never get easier if I give in to the poison. Starting over, the way I felt 5 days ago will only perpetuate more of the same. I feel as though I'm trying to navigate through a storm. Going to go look through my 'emergency kit/tool box' that I began creating when I was in a better frame of mind. Thanks, BTW, to all of you who contributed to that. Will check in later and report how that went.

    4. #14
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Persephone1;1453749 wrote: Today I am trying to talk myself off the ledge. Woke up in a major funk, anxiety ridden and frantically looking around for my usual 'fix.' I finally decided to NOT buy alcohol and come here to brain drain instead. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired...check, check, check and check! Doing my best to attend to those first.

      It's amazing how many things in my life I've used alcohol as a medication for. I mean, talk about giving power to a substance. I have chosen a poison to be my everything...elixir, poison, and antidote! And typically without stopping to question it. Habitual fix...feel anxious? Drink this. Feel Depressed? Drink this. Feel guilty about drinking? Drink some more. Madness.
      Pitiful. How did I get here? And will I ever be able to really climb out?

      Going to shower & eat?

      Now that I am clean and fed, it has occurred to me that this will never get better, never get easier if I give in to the poison. Starting over, the way I felt 5 days ago will only perpetuate more of the same. I feel as though I'm trying to navigate through a storm. Going to go look through my 'emergency kit/tool box' that I began creating when I was in a better frame of mind. Thanks, BTW, to all of you who contributed to that. Will check in later and report how that went.
      There is lots of great ideas in the tool box that can really help you.

      The definition of insanity must be ...doing the same thing over and over and expected to get different results (This time). That was what I did for years. I tried to believe that if I drank I COULD STOP. NOT!!! Every Time I got deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit of alcoholism.

    5. #15
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      OK...Let's watch a movie. What's your favorite movie? ...or maybe we can listen to music and dance? :band2: Just keep busy doing something that makes you feel good and don't drink alcohol. Let's have tea instead! OK? OK!!!

    6. #16
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Persephone1;1453749 wrote:
      Now that I am clean and fed, it has occurred to me that this will never get better, never get easier if I give in to the poison. Starting over, the way I felt 5 days ago will only perpetuate more of the same. I feel as though I'm trying to navigate through a storm. Going to go look through my 'emergency kit/tool box' that I began creating when I was in a better frame of mind. Thanks, BTW, to all of you who contributed to that. Will check in later and report how that went.
      Yes, yes, yes. The only way for this to get better is to be right where you are right now; doing the hard work. If you drink you're going to have to go through this all over again. I'm coming up on a year and I swear to you it does get better. You are navigating into uncharted territory. "New" always takes a while to get used to. You need to learn what your new normal is. It takes time for anything new to become established as normal. The only way to the other side is to go through this. You are on your way. Just hold on for a little longer. :l

    7. #17
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Hang in there Percy.....it gets easier.....it would have to or nobody would quit if it stayed as hard. Day five is the WORST

      BE BRAVE

    8. #18
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Haha Hippy, thanks for the song and dance

      First of all, I have to share what a monumental difference simply eating a meal made for me. Seemingly unimportant when overwhelmed, but the whole HALT 'check box' really does help.

      Yep, so did the Urge Surfing and that helped a bit. Although the waves are still surging, I'm riding them out for the moment…will keep sifting through the toolbox…

      Ok, here's the one that's helping: Why am I thinking about drinking? and what's going on in my body and mind? I was so wound up that I decided to do a binaural meditation that I downloaded first to try and get centered. It's a ten minute meditation and I listened to it five times before I was able to empty my mind a bit. The interesting thing is that it wasn't the urge to drink I was actually flooded by, it was an issue that I have been actively avoiding for 2 days now. This situation keep filling my head up and presenting itself as the anxiety I was caught up in. So, the logical thing to do was stop avoiding and confront it head on. I might add, the person attached to this issue is also one of my biggest Triggers, so it all makes sense really. The outcome is yet to be seen, but for now I'm holding firm.


      Cheers to another day, poison free! Barely...

    9. #19
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    10. #20
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Persephone1;1453881 wrote:
      Ok, here's the one that's helping: Why am I thinking about drinking? and what's going on in my body and mind? I was so wound up that I decided to do a binaural meditation that I downloaded first to try and get centered. It's a ten minute meditation and I listened to it five times before I was able to empty my mind a bit. The interesting thing is that it wasn't the urge to drink I was actually flooded by, it was an issue that I have been actively avoiding for 2 days now.
      This situation keep filling my head up and presenting itself as the anxiety I was caught up in. So, the logical thing to do was stop avoiding and confront it head on. I might add, the person attached to this issue is also one of my biggest Triggers, so it all makes sense really. The outcome is yet to be seen, but for now I'm holding firm.
      And this is part of the reason that getting sober is so hard. We (the universal drinker) are used to not dealing with situations/emotions/people. We avoid all of that by drinking and numbing ourselves out. Take away the booze and suddenly we have to deal like a grown up! It's hard and we have to learn how to do it. It's all part of the path.

      You're doing great. You should be proud of yourself.

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